Its been 1.9 years since she left and Still not over her!!

[metalheart]

Ive read many posts here but finally ive decided ask for some help... im really worried about if its something wrong with myself because, im not over my 4 years ex Gf.. she broke with me at August 2004 and im still feel lost, sad, angry, hopeless .. alone.. disappointed..

 

Its a long history (That why i havent post it, to not boring you) ..

 

Their parents arent allow her had a Bf, she moved to another state (for familiar problems) and started to work.. leaving us less time to spent together and i had various trust issues to her.. (she kissed with and old ex bf who was very friend of mine.. and other stuff like that ) but besides of all that.. i loved her and wanted leave behind all these things to be with her...

 

the point its.. that i never cheated on her, never mistreated her, always was there for her... trying my best to treat her as a queen and always stand open for talk/ discuss about any problems/fears/etc about us or whatsoever ... (even we were planning spend our lifes together... how dreamer i was ..!)

 

The time when the broke up came was the worst for me... i had many troubles because my grandma died (she was almost like my mother) my mother was unnemployed..(im son of a divorced parents.. my father lives near -one block- but he just help us "economically" to me isnt an emtional support) very bad notes at the university.. almost to to reprobate the semester, not having someone to talk about it.. i denied to myself let me down because ive became my Mom and my Sister's "Emotional Pillar", didnt wanted talk with her or my friends openly because i didnt wanted that she and my friends become involved with these negative spiral... ...

 

Feeling abandoned by God.. by the life.. and a half dead by grandma's death.. so when she told me that, i begged on my knees (Thing that ive never had done in my life) dont do that.. because she was the only part of me that makes me feel alive in that moment.. all my dreams, hopes, efforts had a only begin and and only one end..SHE...

 

We had a 5 years friendship relationship before we started to date .. and she left me behind and went with his "work-mate" 2 weeks since we broke up... and ask me that never look for her/calling .. nothing! ... i went to her university after breakup as my last attempt to trying to she came back and told me

 

"just happened"... (So this all that means to you all this 4 yrs that ive gave it to you)

 

"things arent working 1.5 yrs ago, so leave me alone" (I asked to myself.. 1.5 years ago.. since you started to work.. and all this time you make think about a commitment, about a life together.. AND ALL THE LAST YEARS YOU WERE FAKING!? )

 

"i had someone in my life" (myself telling me again...Someone new of course.. that guy who i was suspecting but "was only a friend to you" that guy who never see you cry.. never make you smile like i do.. )

 

"never call me again" (hmm i see.. like the said: "When there's a new Saint, the old ones doesnt make miracles".. So he's good looking, have money and spent almost everyday with you, im useless.. i cant believe it)

 

Since this day i ve never talked to her.. but the next months we started to meet at the metro station almost every morning (She always with his new Bf) when i was going to work and she going to the univ... and every time i saw her.. these mixed feelings are there.. ( because as ive seen and heard from common friends.. that guy doesnt treates her as good and 70/100% are always fighting, even in public) and she ignores me, or sometimes just see me like embarrased.. i dunno.. maybe its some kind mind game..

 

All i want is recover my self esteem ( inexistent at the moment) my dignity (that ive give it to her, kneeling and begging), the respect that she stoled to left me in a "Emotional Bankruptcy" where im.

 

Like ive said at beginning, ive readen many posts and books for depression/ healing/ relationships/self help.. and still feel bad.. somedays dont think in her but, other days, its like a ghost.. who haunts me at every moment(thinking / studying/ sleepping) and i want stop it for once!

 

Any read for help,comments and advices will be appreciated

[healinginnyc81]

I know you must feel so betrayed by her. 1.5 years she says she was unhappy? My ex told me she was unhappy for 1 year out of our 3 years together. It's hard to understand and accept that the person you loved has changed. Sometimes when you're in depression, you can't treat yourself. You need someone else to see how you're behaving and thinking to help you overcome it. Is it possible for you to see a therapist?

 

I've been seeing one and he's helping me a little bit.

Maybe you haven't really accepted that she's gone and you are still thinking you can get her back? Think about what you really want right now in life.

 

Take care. Keep posting about how you feel and we'll try to give you support and insight.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my opinion from an outsiders point of view on things you may not have thought about:

 

i had various trust issues to her.. (she kissed with and old ex bf who was very friend of mine.. and other stuff like that )

Those are all red flags that she had lost interest in you, was testing you, and you were supposed to dump her. A woman (or man) does not cheat on their partner if they care for and respect them. The problem is that most women cannot and will not initiate a break up, but they can do things to upset you and get you to dump them. She clearly was trying to get you to be mature and dump her, but you didn't recognize the signs. This seems like it happened because you are unskilled in relationships and are treating romatic situations like you are with your mother, trying to please her. When a woman cheats on you, there is no reason to reward her - you punish her by dumping her. Otherwise you have just rewarded her for cheating, and now she'll do it again. This is basic psychology.

 

the point its.. that i never cheated on her, never mistreated her, always was there for her... trying my best to treat her as a queen and always stand open for talk/ discuss about any problems/fears/etc about us or whatsoever ... (even we were planning spend our lifes together... how dreamer i was ..!)

So basically you were a slave, a shadow, and not a real person to challenge her, to provoke and intrigue her, you just did everything for her? No one wants a "yes man" following them agreeing that everything they say is perfect. If I were to tell you that everything you did was right and she was crazy, sure - you *might* like hearing it - but it's not the truth. And you'd get tired of the BS being fed to you. Quite frankly, you need to improve your social and relationships skills before you will be able to get over her.

 

not having someone to talk about it.. i denied to myself let me down because ive became my Mom and my Sister's "Emotional Pillar", didnt wanted talk with her or my friends openly because i didnt wanted that she and my friends become involved with these negative spiral... ...

Well, you DO have to talk to people about it (welcome to the site!) and you have to also understand that if you've only been exposed to your sister and mother then your view on being in a relationship with women is going to be skewed. You have to be your own person, and you have to make your own decisions, and you have to get more out of it than just doing everything for her. She has to do things for you as well. Remember, it's give AND take, and if you're not taking ... believe it or not, it won't work. You have to be more like a mature adult, a man, a potential father than a kiss-up little boy.

 

We had a 5 years friendship relationship before we started to date

That's a bad way to start most relationships. You have to start out by dating FIRST, friends second. By being friends first you were already relegated to the "non-sexual" pile by her.

 

that guy doesnt treates her as good and 70/100% are always fighting, even in public)

believe it or not, you need to take a lesson from him. He is more exciting, has a backbone and stands up to her (hence the fights) and is more mature. He obviously lacks self-control and respect for her, though, so it probably won't last either. He's too far on the other end of the spectrum. But he is doing a lot more things correctly than you were, so pay attention.

 

and she ignores me, or sometimes just see me like embarrased.. i dunno.. maybe its some kind mind game..

No, she's trying to not lead you on so you get over her.

 

All i want is recover my self esteem ( inexistent at the moment) my dignity (that ive give it to her, kneeling and begging), the respect that she stoled to left me in a "Emotional Bankruptcy" where im.

You've lost nothing, but you do need to spend some time learning how to be a more mature, responsible, challenging, and confident man. Right now you are acting like a baby and that's just not attractive. But don't worry, we ALL start out like that. We've almost all done this at some point, but the trick is to move on, learn how to be a better man, and grow up.

 

Like ive said at beginning, ive readen many posts and books for depression/ healing/ relationships/self help.. and still feel bad.. somedays dont think in her but, other days, its like a ghost.. who haunts me at every moment(thinking / studying/ sleepping) and i want stop it for once!

So why not pick up some books on dating, flirting, charm, sex, etc., and study the finer arts of being an adult? You could learn a lot.

 

You might want to read a few of the articles I've written on my site - I bet some things apply to you in most of the articles.

 

link removed

 

Good luck.

[metalheart]

Hi Poco Diablo i just wanna make things more clear in some points

 

Those are all red flags that she had lost interest in you, was testing you, and you were supposed to dump her. A woman (or man) does not cheat on their partner if they care for and respect them. The problem is that most women cannot and will not initiate a break up, but they can do things to upset you and get you to dump them. She clearly was trying to get you to be mature and dump her, but you didn't recognize the signs...

 

I had those issues with her almost since the relationship started, because she was getting over her ex-bf... but i still tried to give a chance due to all the time that we had known each other and the kind of person that she used to be..

 

 

and are treating romatic situations like you are with your mother, trying to please her.

 

Im not trying to please my mother and for me thats another context very different than the "romantical" one.. for me not makes sense it all these comparison... but i understand what you tried to said...

 

So basically you were a slave, a shadow, and not a real person to challenge her, to provoke and intrigue her, you just did everything for her? No one wants a "yes man" following them agreeing that everything they say is perfect.

 

When i talked about to do everything for her i was talking about to make the effort for the relationship works and makes her happy.. we arguing in many times too because i didnt agree many things, BUT always trying to be most comprensive and open to talk about it with no offense/ making feel bad to the other... just expressing what didnt like it and how to avoid to those things happen again..

 

if you've only been exposed to your sister and mother then your view on being in a relationship with women

 

Its not the first long time-relationship that i have but im really hurt with this one because this is the 3rd time that this happens to me ... and besides.. with we're friends since long time and (at the time when we make a couple) we swearn to each other that we/d never hurt to the other because... we had experienced the same things in the past.

 

..He is more exciting, has a backbone and stands up to her (hence the fights) and is more mature

 

How i was supposed to be excited/ happy when all the world in my eyes was falling down and i didnt know what to do?.. how raise my mom and sis from the depression? how make money with bad notes and no work experience? .. he just take the chance to make his move..

 

You've lost nothing, but you do need to spend some time learning how to be a more mature, responsible, challenging, and confident man.

 

Lost nothing? ive lost my own peace.. my self confidence, my dignity... and the ¿respect? that this person had me.. if these things to you doesnt mean, i' ll respect that but.. to me means one of the most importants parts of my being..

 

This comments may look like some kind of reclamation but i wanted to clarify those points where you maybe get a misunderstanding of my words...

 

In other way.. i wanna thank you by all the advices about improve on myself that you wrote next each "mistake" mine because it help me to see the things from one perspective much distant/ colder / and real from another person. ( Some of these tips i had already started to do before XDD)

 

I've visited your site too.. its awesome all the Common Question's section, but i wanna make you a suggestion.. please put more articles.. your site its very interesting.. but i think that needs to be more "open"..

 

And... one more time, Thanks for all.

 

 

PD: Excuse if my English isnt good enough.. im practicing again in this forum

[metalheart]

I had some mixed feelings this morning.. i dunno, maybe its cause its raining outside and that brings to me some memories from my ex gf..

 

Its kind curious, you know? Cause im trying to vent this feelings here posting but at this moment.. I've just forgotten what i supossed to write!

 

Bah! .. I guess i'll pass over this feeelings for a while, until i get some ideas about what to post..