Greatest relationship I could ask for but ...

[Coffee]

NO SEX!

 

I`ve talked abd talked, and have done everything that it was that seemed to be the problem. It`s been almost 2 years now, and the only time we seem to have sex is when we are on holidays.

 

I don`t know what to do, I don`t want to leave her (especially because of sex, how after school special is that?) but I am so stuck and frustraded. She says I am attractive, her friends say I am attractive, she loves me, she cares for me, but she never wants to have sex.

 

She has a SEXUAL HISTORY. So when she tells me about Orgy this, HJ that, public sex this, I think about it a lot. I feel left out, resentful and I feel like I am being neglected. It sucks cause I have nothing for a history, I`m left jealous. I think it would be different if she didn`t have a history, in that cause I would feel like it is something that we can work together at. It just seems to weird now.

 

Is it possable she is just keeping me around for other reasons? How would I find out (there is no way she would tell me of course so ASK HER IF SHE IS USING YOU seems a little out of the question).

 

I don`t know what to do, but it is causing a lot of problems, and I feel really stressed out about it.

 

 

Should I stay or should I go?

[Itsok]

Something doesn't seem right here. This girl has a sexual history and somehow you're not included...either she has another horrible secret that she isn't letting you in on, she's lying about her history, she's getting it somewhere else, or she's just no longer interested in sex after her long history of too much of it.

 

Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't give you sex because those other relationships were meaningless to her and she associates sex with that? Maybe she thinks all men are after is sex (and by saying you're staying especially because of the sex, you're proving her right) so she doesn't give any to see if you really love her.

 

If you love the girl, work through it. If all you can think about is sex, then think about if you really do love her.

[RayKay]

My first impression is she is both very insecure, and also not very interested in sex.

 

The first is because I find only those that are insecure and seeking "approval" would brag or share details of their past that explicitly. I had partners before my bf, he had partners before me, but we would never throw the details or those experiences in one anothers face. I think those experiences were from low self esteem, and now she looks for validation in part.

 

The latter is, she just is not interested in you sexually. Now she may not really be interested in anyone sexually. This may be due to a low libido, or it may be to prior experiences, or to never really having an experience where she felt cherished or more then "a piece of meat". Maybe she does not see you that way...she cars about you, but sometimes when we are losing interest, we no longer want sex. It could also be due to birth control, or just a naturally low libido or poor self image. There are many factors, but she should consult a doctor and a therapist to discuss them and rule out issues.

 

It could also be as she KNOWS you disapprove of her past, and knows you do not accept her, so she can simply not feel sexual and free to be herself around her.

 

I do think as a couple, that if nothing is changing after 2 years, you need to have a true heart to heart about this and decide if it's really the relationship you want. Because things are NOT going to magically change on their own or fix themselves. You can both choose to attend counselling even. Does she seem to see it as a problem and is willing to work on it?

 

However, I would suggest if things don't change, it may be a good idea to consider whether you two should remain together or not. When the sexual intimacy is gone, it erodes the rest of the bond too, resentment breeds and causes more issues, it becomes a never ending cycle unless there is some active action from both parties to work on the issue and decide to make it work. Don't settle if you are not happy though, sexual intimacy and satisfaction is important in romantic love bond.

[Coffee]

I do think she is tired of it. And I have been working through it. She has even told me I am better at pleasing her then anyone else she has been with. She has baggage from past relationships and It seems like she feels abanndoned a lot.

 

It turns into a sex thing when there is none of it, I still try to not be an alphamale about it, I still strive to make her feel secure it`s an issue now. She told me last night "I don`t know what it is... I can`t blame anything for it".

 

I think it is her past, baggage that she can`t get over. It`s getting to me.

 

So If I`m a jerk for thinking that way I am sorry, but I feel this way for a reason. I`m not some pot smoking beatnik loser. I am a very supportive, kind, and strongly devoted boyfriend. Every single aspect of the relationship is under control besides the sex.

 

The catch 22 is that if we break up, she is going to meet another man, and have sex with him.

 

I don`t know what to do, I just know that it has been slowly mutating my feelings towards this relationship. If there is no intimacy,romance, what can I do?

[LiquidCherry]

In New York there are only certain grounds for divorce one of them being spousal refusal of sex for a continued period of time. I'd say 2 years is a loooong time and I don't blame you one bit for the way you feel, married or not.

 

If she were wanting to wait until marriage until she began having sex again I'd advise you to either leave of wait it out depending on what you wanted but I don't really think this is the case as you said you've tried changing everything that seemed to be the broblem.

 

Perhaps there is a medical condition that it causing her libido to be low? Would she be willing to see a doctor? Is she on birth control or other medications? Many can decrease sexual desire.

 

What are the reasons she's given to you for not wanting to have sex? Depending on her answer is how you can determine wether to stay or to go.

[Coffee]

"It could also be as she KNOWS you disapprove of her past, and knows you do not accept her, so she can simply not feel sexual and free to be herself around her."

 

 

I NEVER BRING UP HER PAST LIKE THAT EVER. The only reason why I think of it now is comparing it to what it is then for her. Questioning then with now. It is only an issue when there is lack of it, so there being a lack of it now in my own mind I start making these judgement calls that get me all worked up trying to figure why or what is going on. I swear I`m not a bad guy, I just feel like the bad guy for having everything come to me thinking this way.

 

It is really frustrating for so many different reasons. I totally feel like a jerk too for making it an issue.

[Itsok]

I`m not some pot smoking beatnik loser. I am a very supportive, kind, and strongly devoted boyfriend. Every single aspect of the relationship is under control besides the sex.

 

The catch 22 is that if we break up, she is going to meet another man, and have sex with him.

 

I don`t know what to do, I just know that it has been slowly mutating my feelings towards this relationship. If there is no intimacy,romance, what can I do?

 

I'm sorry I just laughed out loud reading that you aren't a pot smoking beanik loser I'm glad to hear you are such a good hearted and devoted boyfriend...you'd have to be after 2 years with barely any sex!

 

What makes you think she'd have sex with another man if you broke up? There's nothing wrong with you, it's her.

 

If this is an issue you've tried to address over and over again, and it just isn't getting resolved, don't feel bad about ending the relationship. There's no way to change her mind, and you've tried everything you know how.

 

You don't have to feel 'shallow' for breaking up over this. Relationships involve sex and intimacy, there's no reason this issue is any less important than any other unsolvable one in a relationship.

[Coffee]

birth control

 

And its funny, she stopped taking it last year, she broke up with me, and when we got back together she talked about how" When I stopped talking birthcontrol I was more H****".

 

So how does that make me feel right? Thankfully nothing happened with both of use when we were separated so she didnt act on her impulse (or so she tells me). Shes back on it.

 

And it is not a marrage until sex thing

 

And the reasons have always changed. The newest is "I don`t know why, I know as much as you".

 

Like there isn`t even instigation of foreplay on her part. Even foreplay would be great. It`s just not there. Nothing is there, just lots almosts. Almosts being, she will have her hand placed near somewhere I get excited, and the signals are there, I pick up on the signals and then all of a sudden its this complete U turn to something not in the same direction.

[RayKay]

So If I`m a jerk for thinking that way I am sorry, but I feel this way for a reason. I`m not some pot smoking beatnik loser. I am a very supportive, kind, and strongly devoted boyfriend. Every single aspect of the relationship is under control besides the sex.

 

The catch 22 is that if we break up, she is going to meet another man, and have sex with him.

 

I don`t know what to do, I just know that it has been slowly mutating my feelings towards this relationship. If there is no intimacy,romance, what can I do?

 

I don't think I called you a jerk at all, or even thought that. I stated a few times sexual intimacy is VERY important, and that for me that is a valid reason to end a relationship. At the same time, I suggested some possible causes.

 

Like I said it takes both people, if she is not making an effort you are not a jerk for wanting sexual intimacy with someone you love. She may not know what it is, but she should be exploring what it is and not just telling you to deal with it either.

 

The fact is sex only counts for 10% of the relationship when you are having a healthy sex life. When you aren't, it matters 99% it seems.

[RayKay]

I never said you brought it up, I just think maybe she feels it from you. It was just a suggestion, not an attack. I don't think you are a bad guy, I don't get the impression you are all and I think the way you are feeling is completely normal.

 

You are not a jerk for making your relationship health and sexual intimacy an issue.

[RayKay]

Well, birth control does lower libido in many cases, however she should talk to her doctor about other methods if she is concerned about it.Not all of it has that effect.

 

I am concerned her "reasons" change, it seems she is skirting the issue, and this is a bigger concern then a low libido....it's nothing to be ashamed of, but when you are in a relationship, you need to also confront these things and do what you can to sort them out and find answers.

 

I have seen other couples take this path, and when one partner loses interest, it really has to be that partner whom does something to fix it - doctor, therapy, whatever...and then there can be a happy ending....when they skirt the issue it just gets worse unfortunately.

[DN]

You are not being a jerk at all to want a healthy sex life. It has nothing to do with being an alphamale - don't let that nonsense cloud your thinking. Sex is normal and the desire and need for it is normal as well.

 

This issue will not get better unless it is dealt with. I think you should tell her that refusing to do so is jeopardising the relationship and insist that she see a doctor or a therapist if she cannot come to terms with her problem on her own.

 

You can be as gentle and kind as you should be but as firm and insistent as you need to be in order to get the problem resolved.

[CarnelianButterfly]

My friend was quit heavily 'used' by frat guys and for her all the sex was meaningless and really very sad. She had severe self-esteem issues and had a very serious wake up call when she found she was on a 'score sheet'. She spent the next several years alone and only recently started dating again. She took it very slow because she was VERY insecure about sex with someone she really cared for. She has alot of issues and most can only be healed with time. Her boyfriend was supportive and caring, he's helped her through her pain even without sex. She told him everything and it wasn't bragging. Why would you be jealous of how much sex she's had, why does the quantity really matter? If she's STD free and commited to you, you should try to work through this. Sex isn't a reason to end a relationship, if it is then she doesn't need you.

[Bethany]

I think you're missing out on intimacy and you have to talk to her about it. In a healthy relationship, sex is very important for expressing this love. Tell her that you want to make love to her not just have sex with her and it goes deeper than she can imagine and it's why you both have to talk about it and deal with it because you lover her and need to show it.

[Coffee]

Maykay

 

hahaha, sorry if I was sounding defence, I was not at allll in the slightest way

[cb2000]

I think the good news is that she loves you, but unfortunately she probably doesn't associate love with sex like you do. She has issues around sex in a loving relationship and until she can recognise this and wants to work on fixing this it will probably happen eventually in every relationship until she does. The question is are you motivated enough at your age to help her work through this issue? One big problem is that sexual starvation in a relationship is that it lets one person feel justified in escaping into porn, masterbation, fantasy and even affairs. Its time to sit down and have a serious talk about sex tell her what you expect and find out what she expects out of you.

[ehm doubleyou]

Sex isn't a reason to end a relationship, if it is then she doesn't need you.

 

if there is not any sex in the relationship...then all he has is just a friendship. Sex is part of the package when being in a relationship...If she was waiting for marriage then fine I can deal with that, but this is not the case. He has been supportive of her for 2 years...I think he has proven his loyalty towards her. if there is no sex then he has a reason for ending the relationship...Guys have needs just as women do, and sex is part of a mans needs. This situation is a recipe for cheating on ones partner, and it has to be dealt with asap if the relationship will last. I believe from experience that the birth control is part of the reason why her sex drive is low to non existence, and its something he should look into...I do not think that she doesnt love him or anything like that.