Is It Wrong to "Hope"?

[merickso]

Some of you have heard my situation, and I am sure that this question is asked by many people going through a breakup. I would like to hear what all of you feel about "hope" in terms of ever getting back together with our ex's.

 

I suppose that I am finding that, while I am sticking to NC, I am filling my time "hoping" that she will call. Each time the phone rings, the door knocks, my email lights up, or I get a text, I hope its her. When I picture my future, I hope its with her and we are happily married. When I picture next week, I hope she has contacted me to at least say that she misses me. How can this be good? It seems like I am just hanging on and prolonging the hurt.

 

I was left "hanging"... my (ex)girlfriend says that she loves me and wants to marry me, grow old with me, be with me... but not right now. She says that she wants it if its Gods Will. In the past, my former girlfriend of 4 years left me because she wants some time to "grown up" (she was 22). What I am trying to say is..... why do people leave you hanging and give you just enough to hold on to and give you just enough that you actually want to wait for them??

 

Is it wrong to hope? Is hope setting me back in the healing on moving on process? I agree with all the reasons that you guys have given me that I should move on, but I still hope... and its making every day feel like the previous one.

[Itsok]

They are trying to break it off with you nicely. Obviously you would be very hurt if they said "I hate you and never want to talk to you again. See ya!"

 

It's not wrong to hope, but it can prevent you from moving forward if you dwell on it. It's best to move forward, and if things are meant to work out, they will in time. Sitting everyday waiting for her to return isn't getting you anything but behind in healing.

 

Just let her go, and start to focus more on yourself. You seem like a nice guy, and there's a reason you are attracting women who aren't ready to commit to you. Perhaps you should take some time to look within yourself and figure out what that is.

 

It's time to start new activities, regain your inner strength, and enjoy your life. What did you used to do when you were single? How did you enjoy your free time? It's time to rediscover yourself and put yourself first. Then take those values into your next relationship.

[RayKay]

I don't think it's "wrong" to hope, I think it is part of the process we go through, and a way to protect ourselves as will. Without hope, we would not really gain the strength to get through many of life's challenges.

 

I do think hope can become very unhealthy though when we go against better judgement, and allow hope to hold us back from moving forward in a sense. When we ignore the greater signs and run back to the security of that hope so we can ignore them.

 

I think in time though common sense takes over, and we learn that "hope" is not so much that we are reconciled with our ex, but the hope comes in the form of us seeing there is a life ahead of us with or without them, that without them we can still have fantastic lives and futures.

 

As to why people give you that hope....I think sometimes they themselves are trying to absolve their own pain and guilt, sometimes they even believe it themselves but then also don't realize what they are doing to you, sometimes they really want to make sure you stay around as a backup, sometimes they believe it when they say it, but time shows them differently as they get removed from the situation and move on too. They don't want to find they made a mistake and come back to nothing, so they hope you will still be there if they did, there are many reasons why so it's hard to label everyone doing it for the same reason.

 

I really think the best idea though is to move forward, heal and take care of yourself. Sometimes what we hope for is not what we needed at all, and in time what we are given is exactly what we had hoped for all along without ever even knowing it

[Strandysmommy]

I spent a lot of time the first month or so hoping that my ex would come back, but after that month or so, and NC, it just started to fade. I know it sucks to hear the "T" word (as in Time) but it does give you some perspective. It's like you have your nose up against a tree, and this tree is full of disease but you can't see it because it's further up. You're so close to it that unless you take some steps back you can see that "oh, wow, this tree is going to fall over soon." (Weird analogy I know).

 

Hoping is not bad per-se. It gets to be bad when it gets to be a month or two from now and she hasn't called or contacted you and you're still holding on, or you meet someone you find yourself interested in they're interested in you...if you prevent yourself from meeting that person because you're hanging on to your ex so tightly...then it's a problem.

 

Just step back a little and gain some perspective on things. You may start noticing little things that you were blind to when you were with her...or you weren't blind to...you just chose to not see. Something like that.