The Worst Goodbye I Could Imagine.

[merickso]

Hello,

 

well, if any of you read my other post, my girlfriend broke up with me last friday because she wants to better her relationship with God and she feels that she focuses too much on me when we're together.

 

So last night I called her. I wasnt going to. I had promised myself not to. I worked late, I met up with family, I talked to friends. Then, I was alone. So, I picked up the phone and called her. It was so nice to hear her voice. I asked her to come and meet me somewhere and, after her saying "sorry I cant, its too hard" for 30 minutes, she agreed. We met outside a coffee shop and, when she pulled in next to me in her car, it felt so nice to see her face. She hopped in my car and we just sat there, staring at eachother for about 10 minutes. The the talking started. I told her I loved her and that I didnt want to let her go and that we could do it together if she could just trust me and give me a chance.... she cried and cried and kissed me and kept telling me that she loved me but she she couldnt... she was so sorry.

 

I didnt know what to do. So many thoughts were in my mind... i started rambling about old times and not so old times and how I wanted the girl I knew 2 weeks ago back, the one who kept asking me to marry her. She kept hugging me and saying she was sorry. She said that she loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs to find god first... I fould myself getting angry at times because I was so frustrated. She told me that I needed to talk to people, and I said I had been (this forum, my friends, my family) but that I keep coming to the same conclusion - I love her and I want to be with her. I told her that I feared she would meet someone who would have the spiritual drive she is looking for, and that she would just jump right in thinking that is all she needs (her brother did this with his wife after only dating for 6 months, and now they are having a tough marriage). So, after I basically beg for another little while (pathetic, I know), I ask her what she wants me to do. I asked her if she wants me to call, write, etc, or if she wants me to leave her alone. She said that she wants to talk to me everyday, but that it wasnt what she needed and that she didnt know what I should do.

 

So, I told her I loved her and that I felt that she was making a mistake because she will put time in between her and I, which will slowly put surely dull her feelings for me. She said that it was too hard for her to be talking to me and seeing me, so she got out of my car and walked back to hers. I got out of my car, she ran back and hugged me, told me she loved me, she was sobbing, and then got in her car and drove off as I was standing there in the rain, watching her until she was out of sight.

 

It was heartbreaking all over again. I should not have contacted her, but I did. Anyway, after some advice from friends and from this forum, I know I have to leave her be... but if I dont hear from her in a week, do I send her a quick email saying hi and that I miss her? What about if I dont hear from her in 3 weeks... do I keep waiting for her since she told me that she wants things to work out and she loves me and wants to marry me???

 

Up and down, up and down, up and down... one minute I feel I can get through it, the next minute I see myself 10 years down the road alone.

 

Thanks for reading. I had to share my experience with you guys.

[NJRon]

Don't wait for her, don't contact her. Maybe, one of these days she'll realize that she can have *both* a relationship *and* God in her life... but, for now, she can't. You are not going to be alone for the next 10 years. Not if you move on. If she does follow in her brother's footsteps, well, she'll probably just end up in the same type of situation. Nothing you can do to rescue her. Rescue yourself.

[lgirl]

sorry to hear the pain you're in, but forget her!! she is making the most lame excuses (how hurtful!). she wants to better her r/shp with god? is she for real? leave her to it. i am not religious myself, but i know many people love their partner AND god at the same time.

 

sounds like she's giving you the brush-off. (why do you want to be with someone who doesn't put you first anyway?). don't waste your time waiting for her. you will regret it in the end.

[lunatic]

Your not going to like my advice but, if you continue to pursue her the way you are well your going to push her away completely.

 

LET HER BE STOP CALLING HER! Give her the time she wants and start NC ASAP! Respect her wishes and cease all contact immediately. You are acting like a little boy here that did not get what he wants. Sometimes in life we DON'T GET WHAT WE WANT. I too had someone I loved more than the world itself that I almost married but, I had to let her GO and I did.

 

Please if you want to save ANY CHANCE you have in the FUTURE YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACT! Life is not fair all the times and when you keep hounding someone to stay with you the only thing you accomplish is to push her further away.

 

My advice is this...

 

NO CONTACT and that means NO TXT messages, NO EMAILS, NO PHONE CALLS, NO CARDS, NOTHING!

 

If she means that much to you then let her be. If she does love you then she will be back on her own.

 

Please stop what your doing NOW!

 

Be strong and take the power back with NC!

 

Hub

[theantibarbie23]

I agree with the other posters. There is absolutely no reason why she can't find god and keep her bond with you. It's just an excuse to end things.

 

She sounds emotionally unstable to me. It's not normal to be asking to marry someone one moment and then telling them it's over because you have to find god the next. Has she always been this flighty?

 

In any case, you need to stop having contact with this woman and start working on healing your wounds. If you continue to try keep this woman in your life, it will end up prolonging the pain, misery, and drama. Let her go.

[merickso]

NJRon, I have felt like "rescuing myself" from a doomed relationship with her in the past, and I am trying to focus on those feelings.

 

lgirl, I am not an overly religious person either, and so I agree with what your saying about her not putting me first. The tough part is that I love her and I have had her put me first for the last year, so I feel that she can still do it.

 

Hubman, I do agree with what your saying... I know I am acting like an idiot and that I should man up and just move on and let her have what she wants. I am a very outspoken person who usually does not let people walk all over them (not saying she is doing that now), but for some reason love always has this power over me... as I know it does for everyone. Anyway, I will work hard and stick to NC... It just makes it worse that my best friend is married to her cousin, because their family loves to share things with eachother so I hear it from my best friend!!

 

I suppose the hardest thing for me about NC is that there is always something else that I want to say to her... there is always "one more thing" that I need her to try to understand, and "one last time" I need to tell her that I love her. Question: Does NC make it worse before it makes it better? Also, could this just be something she is going through for a short period of time... or it is bound to take months for her to figure her feelings out?

[merickso]

antibarbie... over the year we were together, this has been an issue about 3 times. I mean, instead of talking to me about it and trying to change the way she lives, she just busts the "we cant be together because God isnt first" card on me. so yes, she has been like this for quite a while i suppose. the tough part is that she is a great girlfriend... she loves me, she is kind, she is funny, she loves my family, she loves my friends, i have never been worried about her with someone else or jealous with her, she has goals, dreams, etc.... so its like there are 1000 good things and 1 not-so-good thing... whici is god. I dont mind having to go up against another human, but I dont think I can win over God.

[Itsok]

If she wanted to she could have a relationship with God and you. Couples do that, it's normal.

 

If she really believes God wants the two of you to be separated, there's nothing you can do about it. Move on and do strict NC.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think God wants this as much as she does. If you aren't religious and it's that important to her that you are, you two are just not meant to be.

[heloladies21]

Ok, it's good you talked to her and got that out of the way. Like I wrote before, it's a bottom you needed to hit before you can climb back up.

 

Now hopefully you can go NC and that means not picking up or calling back if she calls either for some time. You've said all you have to say and now it's her time to make up her mind about you. She can only do this without you in the picture to cloud her thinking.

 

Pick yourself back up, get to the gym, and get out and talk to other girls. That's if you wanna make this easier on yourself...

 

And don't buy the God excuse. That's a flat out lie.

[lgirl]

one other thing: is she manic depressive (does she have bipolar disorder?). that would explain the sudden see-saw in her emotions...

 

the other thing i forgot to say was you may have to face the fact you're not compatible and go your separate ways.

 

love is not about pain or confusion or waiting for someone to realise they should be with you

[Hope75]

she just busts the "we cant be together because God isnt first" card on me.

My uncle is a minister and he is married. God is a very important part of his life, and he preaches God's word in church every Sunday. His wife, my aunt, is also very important to him. They have been married for 25 years and raised 2 children together. They are best friends.

 

Why can't she have both?

 

Is there something in your relationship that she feels conflicts with her beliefs about God?

 

Are you sexually active? Is that a conflict for her? Anything else?

 

I'm just trying to make sense of her reasoning.

[theantibarbie23]

so its like there are 1000 good things and 1 not-so-good thing... whici is god. I dont mind having to go up against another human, but I dont think I can win over God.

I honestly don't think that it's really her search for god that's causing her to behave this way. This sounds like an excuse she is using in order to rationalize pushing you away.

 

She may have serious underlying emotional issues that she's not willing to deal with. She may not be trying to run from you per say, she may be trying to run from herself.

 

She needs to work on fixing whatever it is that broken inside her before she can give you or anyone a relationship that has some security. Otherwise the person that's with her is going to be on an endless rollercoaster of having to wonder when she's going to end things again and if it's going to be for good this time. Eventually, if she doesn't change the person she's with will likely become a nervous wreck to the point where they'll be constantly on edge. A walking panic attack waiting to happen...

 

That is no way for you to live my friend. No way for you to have to live at all.

[merickso]

to answer some of the questions.. she's not depressed, although she faces huge pressure from her family to be a full blown christian... she lived on her own for 5 months and things were great, then she moved home and it was like I was 16 again... i had to have her home by midnight, she couldnt sleep over with me. Yes we were sexually active... actually it was great. we didnt have sex all that often, but we fooled around basically every night. when we did have sex (maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks) afterwards she would talk about how it wasnt right for us to have sex before we were married.

 

I couldn't understand how someone could be perfectly fine with doing everything else in bed, but sex was a huge no-no.

 

I asked her why should couldnt have both me and god and she said that she tried, but that she always ended up putting me first, she was in love with me and, regardless what should wanted to do, she would end up thinking of me, talking with me, being with me.

[theantibarbie23]

If this really is a religious issue, you really might have to consider finding someone whom shares your values and doesn't have all those hang ups.

 

It's extremely hard to make people see past thier relgious beliefs enough to see things from another perspective. It took me years to get my mom step back from the whole Jehovah Witness religion enough that she could view things without blinders on.

 

I really wish you the best of luck. Try and stick to NC, it really does help!