Should I even ask the question?

friendly00069 · February 2, 2006

Hi All

I would like a neutral opinion.

My fiancé went out to dinner last night with a male friend and co-worker. I really did not give it much thought; we both have professions that require dinner meetings and such. This night struck me as odd however. Historically, if we have a meeting like this, or a social gathering, we will call each other after to touch base, say good night, etc. In this case, the dinner was at 6:30pm or 7:00pm, and when she did not call to say good night by about 11:00pm or so, I called her to make sure all was well. She was giggly happy, and seemed to be on top of the world. I was not as happy as you might guess, given I was a bit worried about her and had been expecting her call.

In any case, despite my best intentions this got me thinking. She had mentioned a week or so back that a male co-worker had been given gift cards from a client to a local restaurant and offered to take her to lunch. Again, I did not think anything of this.

When we spoke earlier in the day yesterday, she mentioned that she had been invited for a dinner meeting by several team members. She called me later in the day, and kept asking me if she should go or not, and that she was not sure if she felt like it. At the time, I told her she should go, always a good idea to keep in touch with fellow workers. She then called me on her way to the dinner, and told me that the dinner was with co-workers from one client location (thinking about it now, I believe she only has one team member at this particular client), or that it might just be one person.

When I called her, she told me just the one friend had shown up. She went on to tell me that he was a "goofy" guy, very funny and that she had a really nice evening. I said good night and left it at that, as I did not want to sound like the "jealous" boyfriend. I also do not want her to feel that I don't trust her, or sound accusatory.

I thought about it all night, and I can't help but think her story is a bit fishy. My cynical side tells me in reality a male friend invited her to dinner, she accepted - and did not want to tell me she was going out with someone else. I am also a strong believer that there must be trust in a relationship, and I will not spend my days looking over my shoulder. A small lie often turns to larger lies, and then the lawyers get involved.

So, what to do? If I ask her about it, she will more then likely take it as an accusation, and I may just be making something out of nothing. On the other hand, I hate nagging questions.

WildChild · February 2, 2006

Well, I tend to be a suspicious person when 2 + 2 don't equal 4. It's always easy to look for the bad in everything, however it is not to be taken for granted that everything is always good. In my experience if I have been up to no good, I would figure out ways to make things happen and in the most innocent way possible. That way I have a defense that it wasn't my fault, it just happened or was a coincidence.

I don't want to be a cynic, but 2 + 2 are not equaling your normal 4. She tells you a week ago about this gift certificate (preparing for: she mentioned it to you and paving the way for this dinner); She isn't sure who all is going to attend (preparing for: no one else showed up and it was just us 2 but it was still nice kind of thing); She calls and isn't sure if she should go (preparing for: getting your permission to do it, unbeknownst to you of the intentions); she doesn't call (preparing for: nothing, she just didn't call); Tells you he is goofy, nice etc...(preparing for "I told you about him, remember? He is the one who had the gift certificiate.").

Now, again I am not trying to be a cynic, but this is exactly how I went about things. Ironically, it was right before my marriage, but I wasn't happy in my life either. I'm not suggesting she isn't happy, but I am suggesting that maybe she may be getting nervous etc... How long before the wedding?

WildChild · February 2, 2006

OK, you know what? I just read the other threads you posted because I wanted to make sure I wasn't off base on this. After reading this thread, as well as your others, this isn't the first time you have had this problem with her. Is the bloke you mention before the same one she went to supper with last night? If so, you are lying to yourself. You want to be wrong, but you know in your mind, heart and soul she is up to no good. Evaluate your life. You are divorced, you do not need to get mixed up with anymore crap. What exactly is it about you that draws her to you? Give some details about when and how you met and what stages of your relationship you have gone through. It doesn't sound like you are living together, how often do you see her and spend the night? What great excuses she has: last minute things and always with clients. Also, who was this close male friend she wanted to invite to your party a while back?????

RayKay · February 2, 2006

Alright, well, this all sounds very very very very fishy.

She knew darn well in the start only one person was showing up I think, and I think she also knew a week in advance...but she was testing the waters to "feel you out" and see how you would feel about her going.

She also knew she was being sneaky, and which is why she was trying to "back out" of it the day off as she was feeling guilty. This way she can also say "well, I tried to get out of it but you told me to go!".

The way it seemed all planned out, was so she could actually absolve herself of the guilt and blame for how it happened, when she knew all along what was going on.

Can I ask how old you both are, and how long you have been dating, and engaged?

Are you in premarital counselling (I highly recommend it in any situation, but especially in yours as well).?

I honestly think it sounds like she is "feeling" other things out. It may be as she is nervous about the wedding/marriage, but I think she also is seeking male attention elsewhere, and she was flattered at the interest....she knows it was wrong so tried to cover it up, but she still did it.

I am not even sure she will be honest about it all, as she really did try to "remove her responsibility" to point she may even "believe" she did nothing wrong.

There is definitely something amiss here...I don't necessarily think she cheated or anything, but I DO think there is some dishonesty and sneakiness that is suspect. If there was really only an innocent meeting, she would NOT have gone so far to cover her tracks or behave the way she did, I firmly believe this from other experiences.

friendly00069 · February 2, 2006

We are plannng on 05/13 - so things are getting close.

There is still the question, do I ask her about the whole back story? It could just be that it was just that, a friendly dinner and she did not want to be straight with me about it fearing I would be upset or worried? I could also be I have gotten myself all balled up for nothing.

To your other questions.

This is not the same person as my previouse post - but it is much the same issue. RayKay mentions "but I think she also is seeking male attention elsewhere" and I think there is some truth in this. I have watched her interact with other people. Most, if not all her friends are male - none of them close. She likes the attention, but keeps at a distance.

We are not living together, although spend a great deal of time together. There have not been incidents of her not being avaliable or last minute client meetings - this I would have picked up on immediately. In fact, with very few exceptions - she has always been their for me. We met at work, in fact I was one of her clients (LOL that sounds bad). Started out with a dinner, then dating and so on.

She is a wonderfull person. truly caring, and would do anything for me. I am 38 and she is 40, we both have had a single previous marriage - hers 10 years + ago, mine in the last two years. She is in many ways truly sweet and innocent, with a smile that would melt your heart. She can also be distant, or distracted - most of our arguments have been as a result of her simply being unwilling or not knowing how to "reach out" - little things, that can make a person feel insecure.

So thats the scoop, guess nothing is easy.

CluelessGuy321 · February 2, 2006

I'm come to realize that my own gut intuition is right 90% of the time.

It may be the case. Now, I do think you should ask a bit more into it, but do it tactfully, because overt criticism/accusations will just put her on the defensive.

Can't exactly tell you how to pry though...

onmyownagain · February 2, 2006

Well, if you don't ask you might never know. On the other hand she may get angry and say you don't trust her etc. and use it against you. She might also be looking for an excuse to tell you she wants out and this will play right into her hands.

Only you know how she will react so you need to make this decision yourself.

WildChild · February 2, 2006

Quote from friendly00069 on 10-13-05: When I am with her, she is warm and caring – talks about the future and our relationship and we simply click. She is my best friend as much as my greatest love. When we are apart, it’s almost like I no longer exist. She does not call, or drop me a note or reach out at all. If I call her, she is often distracted, focused on other things – just not really “there”. This of course, gets me upset and I start thinking – what’s going on, why, how, etc…. In one example, she calls me to say she is stepping out for the evening as one of her client companies is having a get together. I though this was great and asked some general questions, like what company, who is going, where – not really thinking anything of it. She made a point of telling me that she would see me the next day and we would do something special, that this was all last minute and unplanned, and that although she had already eaten by the time the plans were made, she would just have coffee. I did not ask her for any of this detail, and did not really even register it as odd the she felt the need to provide it until later.

Quote from friendly00069 on 11-15-05: Since that time, we have had several arguments. All over small things. She wanted to invite a close male friend to a family event and I objected. She started making comments about not having enough time to do anything and that I was eating up all of her time. These comments, stung, and I reacted badly - getting upset, saying silly comments like "if you don't have time for me, then fine, I won’t see you....".

hmmmm, I'm wondering if I should add to this, or let you absorb the words you wrote.

Scout · February 2, 2006

I don't know what to think about this situation. One red flag is that you say she sounded giggly and on top of the world when you called her after the dinner.

Do I think she's cheating? No. But I do think she might be getting cold feet about 100% committing. Does that make her a bad person? Again, no. Does it mean you two need to talk about your intuition that she's maybe not 100% ready to commit? Indeed it does.

You say you're worried she'll be angry if you bring this up. Well...if you bring it up in a frank but non-accusatory way, for example, concentrating on what you're feeling, not on what she's doing...then, she shouldn't be angry with you. If she is anyway, then that's a whole separate issue about communication problems (sorry, hate to add another issue to the table).

NJRon · February 2, 2006

I think I would be more ocncerned about the fact that I felt like I didn't exist to her when she wasn't around me. I could see how that, combined with her actions, would lead me to feeling a bit insecure in the relationship.

Bethany · February 2, 2006

My gut's alarm bells would be ringing loud and clear.

She seems to think it's ok because she told you. She may not be lying to you but she is avoiding telling you the whole truth. I think maybe her head is being turned by a sweet talking charmer and I too would be concerned.

Better to look a nagging fool and be wrong than ignore your own nagging gut feeling that something is not right. Tak to her about it.

MiaMorr · February 3, 2006

Has she ever given you a reason NOT to trust her? Pay attention to your instincts, I had no clue my husband was about to leave me but the night he cheated he never had to say a word or be close to me, I knew it when i saw him.

Yes you do have to have trust. Maybe she just had a really nice time. I have enjoyed time with male friends that did not involve anything other then talking. Maybe they talked and it made her feel good about herself. Who knows. My dad always said " believe nothing you hear and only 1/2 of what you see". Things are not as they always appear. Just keep an eye out and if you start to worry, just point out nicely how things seems to be changing, but that you trust her you just like knowing what to expect and that she doesn't do like she did before. If she loves you she will ease your fears. Good luck.