Dad has cancer. Do I keep the ex updated? Please help!

[luckycharms]

Background: My ex and I weretogether 6 years. We were college sweethearts and moved in together right after school ended. The first 4 years of our relationship were AMAZING. We were just two peas in a pod...never fought, had similar viewpoints, and just loved each other a great deal. We lived together for 3 years, but the last year things became somewhat stagnant and we were definitely both guilty of being codependent about certain things and weren't really moving forward with our lives independently. When our lease was up this past June, we got our own separate places but continued dating (with the hopes that we would grow and become more independent). It was his call, and I initially resisted, but in the end it was definitely for the best.

 

I REALLY used that time to get myself together and figure out who I was. Took that yoga class, finally learned to cook, read interesting books, etc. I was really happy about the changes I had made and felt the relationship was getting back on the right track. By New Years, things were going great between us for the most part. We were back to enjoying the small things (like poking around the grocery store) and bigger things (like taking mini vacations). There were a few things that he did that weren't cool though, and at times he didn't quite seem like himself. After New Years, I finally had the "where is this going talk" and he admitted that he didn't know. He said he hadn't really grown in that time personally (and in fact admitted he had gone backwards) and was confused about who he was. He said he was lost and had just sort of lost his inner confidence. Then he said the dreaded words..."I think I need space". He also said "I'm such an idiot because I love you so much, and you are perfect, and I know this is all a big mistake" as tears were streaming down his eyes. We decided to give it a couple of months of little to no contact to see how it worked out.

 

So after going through a weird week and 1/2 of this weird back and forth stuff, I cut it off completely. Since then, he has left a message saying he thinks about me often and really cares about me, and also sent a few lighthearted e-mails but I hadn't returned any calls/e-mails. I'm not necessarily angered as much as disappointed and really sad. He really hadn't given much of an effort to improve himself or find himself in that time, and I had been giving 100% to myself and the relationship. He seemed to love me, but obviously had got himself to a point where he couldn't really give enough to the relationship. I came to the conclusion that if he wanted space he could have it...meaning no contact. I'd tried my best to support him, but for whatever reason, this is something he needs.

 

So during this whole time, my Dad has been getting radiation for cancer. While the radiation is going well, we are still waiting on a CAT scan to determine whether the cancer had spread to his lungs. (The doctors found spots in his lungs a 1 1/2 months ago but couldn't be conclusive so they decided to wait a few months to see if the spots grew, multiplied, etc). It's a pretty extreme and scary situation because this type of cancer often spreads to the lungs first, and if it does, even chemo can't really touch it (just potentially slow it down). It's very scary and doesn't look good.

 

The CAT scan wasn't supposed to occur until March, but now they have pushed it to next week. Honestly, with everything that is going on with my Dad, the relationship has taken the backburner in my mind.

 

So bottom line, how do I handle this? My ex is not a bad guy at all. Actually he has a great heart, (and despite the fact that he's disappointed me and wasn't completely there for me right toward the end, I don't harbor any bad feelings). He lived at my parents house for a few summers during college and often went home with me when I visited. He's close to my family. Tonight, I called him and left him a message to tell him the date was pushed to next week. I assume he was out, because I haven't heard back.

 

Although I hope we may be able to figure things out one day, it's honestly not the top thing on my mind. I just need some advice. Should I keep him in the loop on my Dad's health, or do you think it would be a bad thing in the long run. I felt like NC is probably the best thing for me right now so that I can focus on myself and on my family, but he was also close to my family and has a personal interest in my Dad's help (an interest that seems to transcend our relationship).

 

Any advice?

[luckycharms]

P.S. I honestly don't feel like I need him to help me get through this. Thank God I have awesome friends and a wonderful support system outside of him, and because of the way the relationship ended (with him not being able to give 100%) I just don't know if his support would even seem all that sincere. I just also know that he cares about my Dad, and I want to do the right thing. Not thinking AT ALL in terms of the relationship...just trying to do the right thing and be a good person.

[LostInMyThoughts]

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I wish you and your family all the best during this difficult time.

 

Think about it from your dads perspective. Would your father want your ex-bf to know about his personal health issues?

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything to my ex.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Oh, Im so sorry to hear about your father, my boyfriend's dad has a terminal form of it right now

 

As for the ex situation...if he is a good person, then he deserves some kind of...explanation, but you dont have to go into detail. Tell him that at the moment, you and your family are going through a very rough time and you arnt looking for a relationship right now, and that you honestly dont know how things will work out? Theres no easy answer to this one though.

 

again, so sorry to hear about that.