insecure wife

[azul]

my husband ha an affair five months ago. He ended it as soon as I found out.

My problem is if he said that he loves me and that the OW did not meant anything to him, why he had sex with me one night and the next day he had sex with her, if there is any men who could answer this to me, I will appreciated.

[Relationship Coach]

Hello Azul, Welcome to ENA. After reading your short post I had to wonder, what's being left out. If your husband cheated on you, there are/were problems in the marriage. A happily married man would not behave in this manner. Were there any problems between the two of you prior to all of this happening? Did you notice any change in his behavior such as his attentiveness towards you, affection levels or unusual time away from which broke any normal patterns? I'd really like some more insight on this before shooting from the hip.

 

RC

[yeawutever]

And ur still with him?? Wow

[azul]

Well, we were having some problem, my problem was that when I was angry at him, I went to sleep to the sofa for two and sometimes three weeks. I was angry at him because he was always with his friends, especially on Saturdays. He always told me that we should look for some couple therapist.

I told him that it was ok with me, but the only problem that had with him was that he was not spending enough time with us, we have two children, one is three and the other ones is 13. When he was with the OW we were having sex three times per week as usually. He never change, he just make few mistakes but I was so naive that I did not see anything.

[azul]

He went out normally every Saturday since I came to US, to fix his car and hang out with his men relaties. Our sex life was good as far as I know and he told me that. The women is seven years older than him. As far as I know because he told me they had sex five times. They were together for two months. I would like to know if he would be with her today if I did not find out about it. He told me that he only saw her one other week, but he gave her almost all his information, cellular phone, email, office phone ect. We took four seccion with a couple therapist it really worket out. Now I'm seeing a psycHologist because after five months I still think about it and talk with him about too. I always ask him how he could do that to me. He says he love me, but I don't understand how he was with me making love and said that he loves me and the next day had sex with her. This is tha part of the affair that really hurt me most.

[azul]

Hello Azul, Welcome to ENA. After reading your short post I had to wonder, what's being left out. If your husband cheated on you, there are/were problems in the marriage. A happily married man would not behave in this manner. Were there any problems between the two of you prior to all of this happening? Did you notice any change in his behavior such as his attentiveness towards you, affection levels or unusual time away from which broke any normal patterns? I'd really like some more insight on this before shooting from the hip.

 

RC

well, now he is the husband that I wanted, since that day he is no longer seen his friend anymore, now he is home with us, he cares about me, about how I feel. Before the affair we were having some problems because he was always out, especially on Saturday since we got married, he was always hanging out with his friends and men relaties. I always complained aboutet and I ended up sleeping in the sofa for two sometimes three weeks.

He never asked me why I did not sleep with him on our bed, I was the one who forget about it and return to our bed like nothing happened. I tried to talk with him about how I was felling, he was coming home early but the next week he stay late with his friend again. The last time that I was separeted from him in the house was for one month. We did not talk that much, he did no care about. He said it is the first time he cheated on me, I don't believe it.

But now he is a angel, I don't know for how long, I don't know who he is anymore. We have sex and I feel if I'm with a stranger men. He is really comitted to us now and very sorry. He has been in pain as well as I'm now and before. The problem is that I don't feel the same, I don't know If I should stay or leave him. I forgot to say tha many of his close friend and me ralatives are cheater men.

[Relationship Coach]

I can't offer any excuses for him as to how he could do that to you and your family. You either will have to forgive him and never bring it up again or sadly, divorce him for your own sanity. Recovering from this is a very difficult thing as you have found out by now but it can be done. Your husband needs to answer the question, not us. Only he would have the correct answer. As a part of the forgiveness phase you are allowed to ask him any questions with out him fearing your reaction to his answers. First everything has to be brought out on the table and then one thing can be dealt with at a time. If you explode when he responds with an answer, he will be reluctant to continue to answer your questions. Now you have every right to explode, this is an emotional and traumatic event for you to deal with but sit back and get all of the answers from him you need and then vent. Again if this is too much for you, get out of the marriage. Good Luck.

 

RC

[yeawutever]

Sadly, but from reading ur post, it doesn't look like he's had an only one time thing, chaces are he might have still been at it if u had not found out. It seems to me that he misses the ride he had for a while and that he's just saying she menat nothing just to be along with you, doesn't seem like he loves you, it certainly is like him saying "Well since she took me back, oh well, guess I'll work on it, if not, guess not". It's like he's just going along with it, that's wut I'm sensing. One time well, BUT HE DID IT 5 TIMES, it's the aventure he's missing, doesn't seem to be concern about ur feelings. He's an angel u say, he's just acting it out.

[Bethany]

He was able to carry on as normal because it was like a separate world removed from yours and his world i.e. every day life. It's an 'exciting' secret but also a guilty one so he would do carry on as normal not to arouse suspicion.

 

It's only when the two worlds collide that things start to crumble and they finally see the pain and destruction around them by their actions, feel the guilt and remorse etc.

And if it's any consolation, if you see your man in the above.... I think men like that can change.