does one always fall first?

[brownigirl]

so I have been dating this guy since the end of October...and he's wonderful...he treats me great...but I've been burnt in the past...so I am pretty guarded so things have moved slowly, not to mention the death of a loved one slowed things down, I was unable to give our relationship that attention that I would have normally...but this past weekend we got into a huge fight, over something small and stupid and it eventually came out that he is in love with me and it's killing him because I don't feel the same way, it's not that I don't think I could down the road...the thought has crossed my mind a few times...but I'm just not at that point yet...so now I don't know what to do, because it seems like the fact that we aren't in the same place is hurting him and our relationship...how do we get past this?

[DN]

I guess he has to decide if he wants to wait until you either catch up or if he thinks he is better off to walk away. It's important that you don't hold out a hope to him that you may not be able to fulfill. You will be aware of that of course and not want to burn him in the same way that you were burnt by someone else.

 

I think you should also take a hard look at what you want - don't take too long or you could lose him and regret it.

[brownigirl]

Thanks for responding...you reminded me...that while I shouldn't (and won't) do anything to purposely hurt him...it's not my fault so to speak if he is hurt because I am not in the same place as him...we all have different speeds.

[Relationship Coach]

BG,

Unrequited Love is a terrible thing, you must be gentle with him. It's not your fault but you should still have some compassion for how you lay this out to him. He's going to be hurt with anything short of telling him that you love him and PLEASE don't tell him you love him as a friend! Now that he has made his feelings clear to you, it's going to be very uncomfortable around him. He's waiting to see, hear and feel something that does not exist. What a horrible feeling it must be for both of you. If you see no future with him, it's probably better to end it before it gets worse.

 

RC

[Caterina]

Having someone love you is something that everyone wants. But when it comes at the wrong time, when its viewed as a remedy and fails to be that- it can make something that was normally wonderful into a burden. Follow your heart and don't stress over it. The answer is bound to come with time.

[Bethany]

You have to either tell him that your coming, please wait for you. OR you decide that you don't think that he is the one for you and you set this man free.

Only you can know what's in your heart and only you can decide what's best for you but if you decide to go with the first option, you really must then put the past in the past and move on and be with him.

[brownigirl]

You are absolutely right..it does feel like a burden...but only because I do care about him and that he is hurting.

[DN]

Assume for a moment that you would never see him again - how would you feel about that?

[brownigirl]

I would be sad...he is a great guy...he makes me laugh..and treats me better than any other guy ever has.

[DN]

It is noteworthy though, that you don't say that the prospect of that happening focuses your mind on whether you love him or not.

[valenski]

Its an awful place to be, to love and not be loved in return, then afterwards to be told that you cant see each other anymore because she finds it hard to trust? Its a dark cold place, I hope he'll understand like I did, however, I really feel sorry for him maybe it wont hurt him like it hurt me.

 

Nothing can soften a blow like that

Good luck.

[brownigirl]

hmm...I have had loving thoughts about him on several occasions...but I am not confident that is that unconditional love that a couple should have...I need more time.

[brownigirl]

Its an awful place to be, to love and not be loved in return, then afterwards to be told that you cant see each other anymore because she finds it hard to trust? Its a dark cold place, I hope he'll understand like I did, however, I really feel sorry for him maybe it wont hurt him like it hurt me.

 

Nothing can soften a blow like that

Good luck.

 

 

I appreciate that. I don't want to stop seeing him, however I'm worried that this awkwardness and hurt that he is feeling now will stunt our relationship, cause problems, and slow down the process of getting to where we want to be.

[DN]

I appreciate that. I don't want to stop seeing him, however I'm worried that this awkwardness and hurt that he is feeling now will stunt our relationship, cause problems, and slow down the process of getting to where we want to be.

But the problem is that you don't know where you want to be and while you are waiting to find out he may decide to move on. I agree you should not rush yourself but you should be aware that there are two people making decisions in this relationship and he may make a decision to walk away.

 

It is important that a relationship be balanced and that when a commitment is made both partners feel equally loved. You can't quantify that, or even define it well, but if one person feels that they are giving more than they receive, then that can corrode a relationship. Once someone has made a declaration of love that is not reciprocated in more or less the same way, it becomes immensely difficult to overcome that 'deficit' later on and be convincing that the love is now returned in equal measure.

 

Bottom line: don't assume that he will wait for you, and even if he does wait, don't assume that the relationship might not be damaged enough to cause problems in the future.

[hellokittykitty]

GREAT QUESTION DN!!

 

I don't believe in love at first sight, only lust at first site. I honestly think sometimes people need to take their time. There have been a few times I haven't felt the same thing for someone who has feeligns for me, but when they went away, I missed them and I discovered I really did want to be with them...but then it was too late.

 

Right now I am dealing with someone who has feelings for me but he's not at the same level and I know he wants to just be friends and see how things go. It's killing me, but I love him so I will let him have his time and I pray that he will love me back the same way I do... but right now he doesn't seem to love anyone, not even himself.

[brownigirl]

GREAT QUESTION DN!!

 

I don't believe in love at first sight, only lust at first site. I honestly think sometimes people need to take their time. There have been a few times I haven't felt the same thing for someone who has feeligns for me, but when they went away, I missed them and I discovered I really did want to be with them...but then it was too late.

 

Right now I am dealing with someone who has feelings for me but he's not at the same level and I know he wants to just be friends and see how things go. It's killing me, but I love him so I will let him have his time and I pray that he will love me back the same way I do... but right now he doesn't seem to love anyone, not even himself.

 

 

I think that is so important....every must know how to love themselves for who they are...and it's hard thing...so often people validate who they are by how others feel about them rather than how they feel about themselves. It's hard to let someone else really love you if you don't love yourself.