Is this my fault or his?

[adidas7fire]

Hi.. I'm new at this forum board but I have had lots of things on my mind and need some other people's opinions besides by family and friends' advice. Here's the scoop --- I've been dating this guy for 2.5 years. We go to the same college and work together at the same job and I see him everyday. He's in a band and has a love for music which I'm totally cool with. The only thing that really bothers me is that when I go to his shows, he rarely talks to me... and even invites his ex-girlfriend. I had a roommate recently that was pretty/tall/blonde and my bf and his brother would always find it funny to mack on her, even though they said it was just a joke. But it really made me feel like I was just an extra wheel to the party. This had been happening more than just a few times and when I confronted him about it, he said that I was overreacting and had nothing to worry about. But he does this with a lot of his girl friends from his hometown (everyone from that town is really close to each other as friends). Should I really be worried about this or am I overreacting like he says? I also asked him a question that has scarred me in this relationship but until I get a response for this message.. I'll leave that to be untold...

[crookster_man]

Trust your gut, follow your intuition. You can't be happy unless you are confident and secure in yourself and your relationships. Do you think that his behaviour is uncaring or do you have deep-rooted insecurities that are causing this problem? Different people view love differently.

 

Some people want their other to be focused on them and not on anyone else. Flirting with other people is unacceptable to these people. Others have no problem when their other flirts. It all depends on finding someone who shares this similar idea.

 

It would appear (if it's harmless) that you both have a different view of this situation. Would you flirt with other guys in front of your BF? Would he get upset? Chances are he doesn't understand how this really makes you feel. Chances are he probably won't change. This is his personality. You're going to have to either learn to accept it or try to find someone who shares a similar view of affection and flirting. Good luck with it.

[Always Hopeful]

This sounds a little touchy feely, but if he cares for you and you've let him know that certain actions hurt you or make you uncomfortable, then he should acknowledge that and stop doing those things (or at least make it very very clear that he is trying to change). Now, some would say "well why should he change who he is....can't he still care for you and live his life?" I never understood that response. "Caring" is just a word if it doesn't manifest itself in some sort of action. Caring is also sacrifice. We're not talking about changing religions, jumping off a cliff or cutting off a right arm. It does mean changing behaivior that is hurting someone you supposedly "care" for. Nothing hurts more, and it's my opinion that nothing is more cynical and disengenuous, than someone who says "But I do love you and care for you" and yet acts in a way that does not indicate that love or caring (i.e., ignoring you at work or at play, cavorting with others especially specific individuals whom you have already said make you uncomfortable). Nothing kills me more. If they really do care for you, they should act like they do, not just say it.

[bzborow1]

I tend to agree with Swingfox on this one. You need to set some boundaries for yourself what is acceptable behavior while he's at his shows. This is to say that it's ok to go and have a great time, but flirting with other women is not the way to have it.

 

You've also got to make sure you're not trying to change him, just tell him not to hit on the ladies. As for the not talking as much to you, I dunno if i'd worry too much about that part of it as i'm also a musician. When you go to a show some people are just so focused and hyped up about getting on stage it's the only thing that matters to them (at the moment).

[secret_agent_man]

I myself have been in bands for 6-7 years, so I feel part of your pain. When you are at the show, there's a lot going on for him, and it's easy to feel left out. My girl felt the same way. It's tough to understand and balance. You need to give him space there, he needs to be friendly and not closed off to just you, for the band's sake. I know that sounds lame, but read on, I know what I'm talking about.

 

Him flirting with girls is not acceptable. It wouldn't be acceptable by me, either. You are not wrong there. You need to let him know this, though. By just being nice and outgoing to others, he is keeping the public relations up. You need to do that in the music biz. It's just a part of it.

 

Make sure that what seems like flirting, really is flirting. I'm not doubting you, just make sure. It may be harmless. Either way, have a talk with him, and tell him where you draw the lines. It's his decision whether to cross those lines or not, and then you will know what is more important to him.

 

It's hard for him, too. Trust me. Just keep talking about it, he may see it a whole different way than you do. I know I did...

 

S.A.M.

[adidas7fire]

thanks.. that will help me. i mean, he doesn't go up to girls and say "hey, what's going on, beautiful...".. that's his brother and that's totally cool since he doesn't have a gf. i understand about the PR and that is important to me because i give my 110% support. but i just wish that sometimes he would come up to me and give me a hug or something. i'll try to work on my feelings with this whole band thing. Thanks for your input.

[secret_agent_man]

Well, that's what I'm talking about!!! Now you're helping yourself. You see, you just said, all you want is a little attention. He doesn't need to focus on you the whole night, but he should notice you! That seems more realistic (to me).

 

Tell him that! There's nothing that should stop him from that!!!

 

Hope this all helps!!

 

S.A.M.