Was I wrong?? Need advice....

[Echo]

Hey Gang!!! I have a dilemma...but I am not sure if I am right or wrong.

 

There's a guy I have known for over 3 years.I'll call him R.

WellI I have had a crush on R for years...but it's harmless. I usually email him once in a while...maybe every month or so, to say hi, catch up or whatever. On occasion I will see him out because he works in production for a local radio station...and he meets loads of people. No biggie.When I see him, I say hi, flirt a little then go about my business. He KNOWS I have a crush on him and it's sort of an ongoing joke between us.However I know it's not going to go anywhere...so I am ok with that.

 

Anyway, I saw him Friday at this concert event. I knew he'd be there so I swung by to say hi. He was cool....but something bothered me. I could tell he was on "guard" with me...just being "cool"...making a point to NOT talk to me too long...but a few other things that irked me.

 

This woman was there hanging around....then she walked over and said soemthing to him (I was standing right there) he said 'Did you get my message"? I called you, maybe we can go for dinner " She said, "No I didn't but definetly call me I'd love to go to dinner with you". I was irked because I thought he did it purposely...to "give me the hint". To me it was disrespectful and plain rude. I wasn't jealous...I just thought he could have had a little more tact. I didn't say anything...

Then I noticed when he'd greet people he knew, he would say "Hey are you coming to the party later"?? He never ONCE asked me....so I felt invisible and stupid for even going there. So after a couple drinks) I decided to tell himI thought he was being rude to me. He said he didn;'t have time for my "games" and walked away.

 

So I left....hurt and upset.

Was I wrong for feeling the way I did and saying so? I want to email him this letter...but I thought I'd post here first. Thanks...

 

 

 

First of all, I don't want a reply from you.

 

I'll make this as brief as possible.

I will apologize for being out of line the other day...if I was.

 

I don't think you really even realize your attitude toward me.THAT

is my issue with you...period. I used to think I was being over sensitive, but

truthfully I don't think so.

 

The fact is I have known you for about 3 years...and by now you should

know I am harmless. My intentions are totally all about fun. You always accuse me of "playing games' with you. I hardly see you enough for that...so that in itself is a ridiculous statement.

 

My issue with you is your cold guarded attitude with me. Do you think I do not know you are subtley trying to blow me off? Is that not playing games? If that's how you feel then just say it. Say "f off" and be done with it. Your atttitude says it, so why not just say the words?

 

I don't and have NEVER expected to be your best friend by any means...but at the same time I feel like an idiot for even taking the time to see you...(and yes I know it's my choice) then get brushed off. How do I feel "brushed off"? Hmmm well, for starters you asking another woman out for dinner right in front of me. No it's NOT a jealousy thing..it's an ettiquette and RESPECT thing.

Asking other people if THEY are "coming to the party' after whatever it is you're doing...but never even bothering to ask me. So to ME this makes me feel stupid and invisible.

 

The sad thing about ALL this is you probably don't even KNOW you do this...and knowing you, you'll say I am just "insecure"....or whatever.

That simply goes to show you how ignorant you really are about me.

 

That said..I will do my absolute best to "gracefully' ignore you, shall I see you again..please extend me the same courtesy.

 

Have a good day.

[Bethany]

Please DO NOT send that mail. Just the first bit where you say 'I don't want a reply from you' was enough for me to know that it is not a good idea. It sounds like your giving him a peace of your mind and he may very well decide to give you a peace of his mind....right back at ya!

 

Let your reactions and your emotions calm down BEFORE you do anything. If in doubt, do nothing.

 

Maybe it's time that this crush was crushed. It could be a sign for you to move on and although you need to vent your anger I feel sending him that mail will just make things worse.

 

He seems to think your playing a game with him. End that game idea by doing nothing, show him that you are hurt by his actions by NOT going back for more. He will get the message louder and clearer than any letter.

[DN]

What do you hope to achieve by sending this letter?

[Scout]

Please, don't send that letter. It's going to make you look really odd, considering you have never had any kind of relationship with this guy. I think you should try to accept the fact that he simply is not interested in you and leave him alone. And try not to take it personally - it sounds like you're having a hard time being rejected by him. I can understand that, it's never fun to be rejected, but it doesn't mean that no one likes you. It just means that one particular person, for whatever reason, doesn't reciprocate the same feeling of romantic interest.

 

If you send that letter to him, I can almost guarantee he'll be freaked out by you. To be honest - and I hope you won't take this too hard - this letter almost comes accross as "stalkerish." Based on what you've written about this guy, he doesn't come accross as disrespectful towards you, he just seems uncomfortable with the fact that you have a crush on him he doesn't feel in return. In fact, are you being respectful towards the fact he's not interested? Or are you persistently continuing with flirting with him, letting him know you still like him, even though he has plainly shown he doesn't feel the same way? Hard question, I know, but I think right now you're considering this situation more from an emotional point of view, rather than reasoning it out.

 

I am glad you asked for opinions first before you sent it. Maybe just the act of writing it will make you feel a bit better. But again - I strongly recommend you don't send it.

[Echo]

Thanks.

 

I want him to know WHY I was upset...period. I don't think he thinks before he speaks soemtimes....

 

At one time I was much more interested in something more with him...but that has since passed. I think, for some reason he thinks I still want more than that, but I don't. It's just hurtful that he brushes me off like that.

[Echo]

I agree Scout...and with Beth. Perhaps me sending the letter will make him see me as "stalkerish"....but truthfully I am FAR from that. We have talked for over 3 years..and if thats how he sees me after all this time, then he certainly has the wrong idea about me. I have NEVER done anything to indicate I am a stalker. I email him MAYBE once or twice a month. If that.

[Scout]

Oh, I don't think you're really a stalker. If you were, you probably would have dashed off that letter without second guessing the wisdom of doing so.

 

Look, I understand how you feel. For three years, you've made overtures of friendship to this guy, maybe a little more...and he just simply is not responding in kind. I can understand that this would hurt your feelings, but if after three years you keep expecting him to see you in a different way, or care a little more...and he hasn't...well, I think you might be being a little stubborn.

 

It doesn't mean he's a jerk, and it doesn't mean you're undesirable...it just means he's not interested. You can't change that, so try and quit putting yourself in situations where your feelings end up hurt. Let go of this crush. Stop contacting the guy. You'll get over it, I promise.

[Echo]

LOL...you're 100% right Scout. I realized the other day I need to stop this stupid "crush"...I saw it as "harmless" but the reality it isn't harmless, since it continually hurts my feelings.

 

If I happen to see him again in the future..what's the best way to act or react..IF we should talk? I don't want to come accross as pissed off, but I also don't want to give the impression that I am carrying a "torch' either.

I plan to avoid him altogether for a long time if possible....in hopes that in itself will send the message.

[DN]

Take the high road. Be pleasant and polite but distant. Treat him as you would any other comparative stranger with whom you must interact.

 

One thing: if he treats you like this when there is no relationship, imagine what he must be like to someone with whom he does have a relationship. Seems to me you have had a useful revelation about his character.

[Echo]

Soooo true DN..he is 43 and never been married. Now I see why.

I should see this as a blessing for sure.

 

Thank

[Scout]

I agree with the first part of DN's post, but not the second part. No offense, DN - I just don't think he's really done anything that bad. If anything, he's tried to convey as indirectly as possible he's not interested, and finally had to be a little more direct. I don't see this as a bad reflection on his character.

 

And Echo, at the same time...I don't see his rejecting you as a bad reflection on you. We just don't live in a world where everyone we are ever interested in reciprocates that feeling. Hey, I've been rejected too - and my pride and ego really struggled with that! But, you eventually just have to shrug it off and say oh, well. Otherwise, you lose sight of the fact that other people find you desirable and you end up missing out on more tangible opportunities.

[Hope75]

Hey Echo,

 

The others are right.

 

The way this guy is behaving, he won't understand or care why you've sent it or what you've said anyway.

 

He's not worth the effort.

[DN]

No offense taken Scout. I was taught as a child you never invite people to a party in front of people who are not invited, I would never do that to anyone because I wouldn't like it if it were done to me.

[Scout]

No offense taken Scout. I was taught as a child you never invite people to a party in front of people who are not invited, I would never do that to anyone because I wouldn't like it if it were done to me.

 

Yeah, you do have a point there. I agree.

[LiquidCherry]

I just wanted to add what I think about his actions towards you that night.

 

I don't think he was doing anything wrong by asking the girl out to dinner in front of you. From what you wrote it seemd to me that he was interested in her just as she was interested in him. Perhaps he did that as a way to convey to her that you were not a threat. (my boyfriend is a horrible flirt but will do similar things to make it clear he is with only me)

 

I do think he was being rude by inviting others to a party in front of you. I think that would make almost anyone feel very left out and my feelings would have been hurt. Like DN I was also taught that you don't invite people to a party in front of someone who is not invited.

 

If I were you I wouldn't send the letter. I think he is trying to send a message to you, being that he probably doesn't want any sort of relationship with you, not even a friendship. It certainly doesn't reflect badly on you. In fact, I think his lack of tact in relaying this message to you reflects badly apon him. I'd just let it rest.

[LiquidCherry]

Hmm.. I just re read your post and it seems like you dropped by an event you knew he would be at. Even though it is a public affair you weren't invited by him and it sounds like you didn't come with your own group of friends either. It might have been obvious to him that you came there with the intention of seeing him. If this is the case I can understand a little bit why he may have been acting rudely towards you. Perhaps he felt threatened and rather then simply telling you how he felt he made it clear by his actions. Not the best method and still rather rude.

[Echo]

Thanks to ALL who posted.

 

I agree with pretty much everyone. While he wasn't overtly "RUDE" ..he got his point accross. Although it hurt my feelings.

 

I think it's pointless to say anything to him about it because as a few of you said, he probably won't see it as it is intended..but rather as me being "stalkerish" and feeding his already over inflated ego.

 

I have decided to just simply walk away from this one sided "friendship"..if you can even call it that. If I see him again, I will do my best to be cordial but "cool" with him...and ONLY of he initiates contact with me. If he doesn't, I've lost nothing.

 

I have realized this whole thing has been about my ego...and my inability to deal with this "rejection". The funny thing is once last year, he did somethng similar to me...I forget exactly what...and I sent him a pretty scathing email, then didn't contact him for about 4 months. When I saw him at a local fair, I said hello, then walked away..and he came to ME..asking if I was still angry at him. That's probably the ONLY reason I continued my correspondence with him.

 

At any rate..the advice has been extremely helpful, so thank you

[Scout]

You're welcome. I'm glad you were able to learn something from this...It says a lot about you that you were able to chalk this whole situation up to a learning experience. And for what it's worth, honestly, I could really relate to how you were feeling.

 

But please, please know that one person's opinion of you is not representative of everyone else's. Sometimes, inexplicably, people just don't respond to us the way we'd like them to. Who can figure out what makes some people tick. I used to fixate on stuff like that, then realized it was a fruitless endeavor.

[Echo]

Thank you Scout. I appreciate the non judmental support.

 

I. for whatever reason took this SO personal...and truthfully this guy is NOT all that great. He is 43..never been married. A "playboy" of sorts. I doubt I am the only person he treats this way...and I am almost certain any woman that gets involved with him probably feels the same frustration I did. The fact is..I was just TOO nice to him, when he didn't even deserve it. I almost hope he DOES meet a stalker.....LOL..maybe that will teach him a lesson

 

Thanks for helping me see this situation from a new perspective.

I'm glad I didn't send that email.

[DN]

I second what Scout said. You seem like a great person to me.

 

Sometimes it is really helpful to write a letter to someone who has been mean to you. It can really relieve your feelings, it helps you put things into perspective and it feels good to tell that mean person what you think of them

 

But mostly it is better not to send it.

[Echo]

Awww thanks DN you're a sweetie

 

This guy is a jerk isn't he? lol

Maybe you can email for me!!! hahaha... j/k!