Cheats? Am i going crazy??

[locolady]

Hi guys - having recently broken up with my boyfriend after he cheated, i've become increasingly disheartened as i've found out that more and more people i know have been cheated on or have cheated themselves. Please help - am i the only one who thinks this is despicable behaviour?? I've actually surveyed my friends and i am the ONLY one who hasnt done it to someone? I'm so so gutted, i'm despairing that i'll never find someone loyal. Can anyone reassure me i feel so lonely.

[Hope75]

While there might be a concentration of that behaviour going on around you- not everyone cheats or has been cheated on, I can assure you.

 

I have been cheated on myself, but I have also dated several men who were completely faithful, including my bf of 3+ years that I am with now.

 

Don't lose heart, there are alot of good men and women out there who want to love and be faithful to their parnters.

 

Are most of the people you are dealing with around your age? 21 is a pretty flighty age; not too many people know what they want. Not that it makes it any easier, or even acceptable, but hopefully with time and more maturity, you will find your peers not getting into that situation so much anymore.

[blukangarou]

hi,

i know from my own experince how it feels to be cheated on, it's not the nicest thing in the world,

i have never cheated on a boyfriend, and i too think that it is wrong, i know alot of friends who have cheated on their boyfriends/girlfriends, but i guess that the realationship that they were in didn't mean that much to them, as the other person.

my view if you want to be single, be SINGLE! if you want to be in a relationship be in one, only two people neded, NOT THREE!!!

blu x

[theantibarbie23]

Please help - am i the only one who thinks this is despicable behaviour??

 

No, you're not the only one. I have never and WILL NEVER cheat on anyone because I find it so loathsome and disgusting that I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It is horrendous behavior and to be honest I have very little respect for cheaters and those that knowingly get involved with people that are attached.

[coollady1957]

NO you are not the only one that feels as you do about cheating. I have been cheated on , and am going on the one month point after the break up with my EX BF. I think it is one of the most horrible, nasty, things that someone can do to another. I have never cheated on anyone and would never ever do such a thing. I know the hurt from what it does to people. There are great people out there that do no cheat. I was married for nearly 28 years to one man, and we had a great marriage, with love , respect, honestly and fidelity. We were committed to each other for life. My husband died in 2003 , and 2004 I became involved with a man that seemed to be a great person. However he started his cheating 6 months into our relationship. At least that is when I found out. So I have had in my life one great person that loved me and cherished our relationship, and on the other hand I have had a horrible nasty man that crushed my heart.

[locolady]

Thanks - yep most of my friends are around my age which i do appreciate is a difficult time - lots of opportunity to go out, lots of change etc but i also think that since we consider ourselves adults our morals should have developed by now! I guess i'm just feeling particularly sensitive as i'm still reeling from being cheated on myself - i never thought my guy would do it so am suffering from humiliation and the disheartening realisation that you judged someone all wrong. We had been together 4 years, i went all through uni living 3 hours apart and was faithful throughout - it was just so far from my mindset that regardless of how much i drank (that old excuse!) it just would never have happened. So, it was a shock when he did it to me.

 

Any others? comments from men? Thanks

[RayKay]

No sweetie, you are certainly not the only one to believe it is despicable, and whom will not do it or tolerate it!

 

While it may seem your peers have all done it to some level, this is not reflective of the entire population. I also find many people at younger ages (teens and early 20's) have higher incidences of it, though many of them actually DO learn to never do it again (especially once they are cheated on). This may be partly due to the inability sometimes to "relate" or know how much it hurts others.

 

There are also some personalities whom seem more likely to treat such as narcisstics, or people whom do not share the same values as you that cheating is wrong or the same commitment may also be more likely.

 

But do not despair, I have a couple long term relationships with absolutely faithful men. I have also known many other couples whom have had the same committed experiences. It is most definitely possible.

[locolady]

Do you think its an age thing or a generation thing? I look at my parents and all their friend have been married 30+ years but i just cannot imagine my peer group having the same commitment. It feels like we've grown up with instant gratification and always being taught to selfishly persue our desires - i'm scared that people just wont be prepared to work hard at a relationship. I know theres no way of knowing this yet and we'll all change as we grow but with the increase in divorce etc it is a worry. Also seeing as everyone just hops into bed with anyone cheating is a much bigger deal that it once was. I mean, before "cheating" could have been having feelings for or sharing a drink with someone else - now it seems its always fullblown sex - that simply cant be taken back. I dont think you need to wait for marriage to have sex or anything but i very strongly feel you should be in love with the person i would asbsolutely never have a one night stand. Why do people have sex so easily? I'm scared i wont be able to find a guy who respects sex more than this?

[RayKay]

Well, honestly, I think if you looked at those generations you may find there is still a lot of infidelity, I often hear more of long term, emotional and/or physical affairs in those cases. You would be surprised perhaps how many of those older couples did have cases of cheating in their relationship and worked to reconcile.

 

How hard you work, how committed you are, all depends on the individual, their values and morals and beliefs in love and relationships.

 

Same with sex..not everybody hops into bed easily, or does not value sex.

 

Even divorce rates need to be looked at reasonably..it carries less stigma which may be part of the reason, I know of many older couples whom don't want divorce due to that stigma, or are too scared to, but are absolutely miserable together.

 

Maybe I am just a "the glass is half full" kinda person, but I think if you doom yourself and believe in the worst before you even start, it will be a self fulfilling prophecy!

[novaseeker]

I know theres no way of knowing this yet and we'll all change as we grow but with the increase in divorce etc it is a worry.

 

Actually the divorce rate has been more or less stable at around 50% for a while now ... reaching well up into the baby boomer generation in their late 40s and early 50s. It doesn't appear to be moving much, perhaps decreasing slightly actually in the past few years.

 

Also seeing as everyone just hops into bed with anyone cheating is a much bigger deal that it once was. I mean, before "cheating" could have been having feelings for or sharing a drink with someone else - now it seems its always fullblown sex - that simply cant be taken back. I dont think you need to wait for marriage to have sex or anything but i very strongly feel you should be in love with the person i would asbsolutely never have a one night stand. Why do people have sex so easily? I'm scared i wont be able to find a guy who respects sex more than this?

 

There are men who also feel the same way as you do. As a man, I also never had any interest in one-night stands ... I don't enjoy sex that is separated from emotion. If I were you, I would worry less about the general trends you see in those around you and focus more on finding a man who shares the same ideas about love and sex as you do ... believe me they do exist, among your generation as well undoubtedly.