Abortion...how to decide?

[heavensent]

Okay, I'm sure some of you remember my post about my fiance not wanting the baby that I'm pregnant with. Well, he was just really scared about it and about a week after letting it sit he came to me and cried telling me how there's nothing in the world he'd rather do with his life than to have a family with me and that he was just so scared of things changing with us that it made him not want a baby yet. Now he is excited and all concerned over everything (if I'm sick, if my stomach hurts, etc) it's really so cute. But now I have been thinking about not having the baby, after being so offended by the suggestion he made of abortion, how can I tell him this? Especially now that he has come around and is happy to be a daddy?

Gosh, I'm so confused right now. I want a family with him so bad, just not NOW. I work full time and am attending college at night full time, I have about a year and half left until I have my bachelor's degree and I really want to finish my schooling..but with a baby, that will be so hard. Plus, we have had our share of problems because of my trust issues, which I am going to counseling for. Bringing a baby into the mix might just make things even harder on our relationship and the thought of losing him makes me so sick and sad. I just can't bear the thought of being a single mother, or even worse, not having him in my life. We are getting married in 23 days and are very much in love but I'm so confused. Our love is so strong, but our relationship does have a lot of work, which we are both putting 110% into it, but if we bring a baby into this world, it might just break us.

Do you think I'm just scared or do you think we really just aren't ready for this responsibility yet?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

[spiderman_56]

If the baby is not 'good news' for it I would strongly suggest that you abort. A baby takes a lot of time , energy and love , it does not fix / repair ' loose ' relationships.

At this moment you still have lot of things to accomplish specially finish your bachelor you can't really get anywhere in this world without at least a bachelor , finish school and then you can have a baby if that's your desire.

 

But really the whole question is do you really want that baby , if the answer is anything other that a crysal clear YES without any doubt , don't have it.

[RayKay]

It's a tough choice, it really is. I can see why you are considering it, and stressed out about being able to do it.

 

I can't tell you what to do, as ultimately it is your body, and your choice, and it will be you whom has to be able to accept the decision you make.

 

I will say though, we as humans are pretty adaptable and amazing people. Fear sometimes is more scary then the reality....it's normal to feel scared about being able to raise a child, absolutely. But, you definitely CAN, if you want to.

 

There are many women whom have PLANNED babies and still go through periods of doubt and worry about being able to do it.

 

I will also say....one should not have a baby to keep someone, but nor should they not have one to keep someone. I can't predict what will happen if you have this child, but what would happen if you did not have it and your relationship still disintegrated? What if aborting the baby pushes you two apart (and yes, I have seen it happen many times too). Will you feel good about the choice then?

 

Ultimately if your relationship is strong enough, it will survive either way, if it's not, it won't survive either way. So do what is best for YOU & THAT BABY, not for matters of keeping your partner around or not.

 

You CAN still finish school. My mother went back to school with three young children (7, 5 and a few months old) after she was divorced, and I know many other women whom have done the same. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it.

[annie24]

Don't forget - adoption is always another option....

[BellaDonna]

Bringing a baby into the mix might just make things even harder on our relationship

 

This is true for any couple- whether it's right now or 10 years from now. Havign a baby will put a bit of a strain on any relationship because a baby requires a lot of love and care. A couple has to re-arragng their time differently. Waiting until later to have a child will not change that.

 

Keep in mind if you have an abortion- that can also put a strain on your relationship if either of you have regrets about it.

 

It seems like now you are the one having doubts and you're scared. That's normal.

 

Ulitmately, it's your decision- but honestly, my opinion on it is that I just can't see the need for it in your situation- especially if your fiance is now being supportive and you are getting married and you WANT a family anyways. Maybe this is sooner than you planned, but I think you can make it work.

 

I'm pro-choice- but I just worry that you might have many more regrets than you realize, based on the information you gave us about you originally wanting the baby, the fact that you are marrying the baby's father, and the fact that you want to have his child one day. These are all thinks that can really create a huge inner moral confilct if you have an abortion now. Just be prepared if that's what you ultimately decided to do. And remember, it is irreversable.

 

Can I ask you a very personal question? (please don't take offense- it's just an observation)

 

But now I have been thinking about not having the baby, after being so offended by the suggestion he made of abortion, how can I tell him this? Especially now that he has come around and is happy to be a daddy?

 

Do you really want to marry him? Or are you trying to push him away?

 

It just really sticks out to me that before you wanted the baby and he said he didn't- and now that he wants this baby- you don't. Do you think you're trying to push him away and distance yourself from him by doing the opposite of what he wants? The only reason I ask is that there's been a huge shift in your views, and the only thing I can see that correlates with it, is your fiance's shift in his views. Again, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be mean, but it seems like there's a part of you, maybe at the subcounscious level, that gets gratification from doing the opposite of what he would want. Because to fight to have this child, and have him finally get happy and excited over it, only to tell him you want an abortion afterall, seems almost like torture or punishment for him. Is this pregnancy a way to exhibit control over him or your relationship? Are you hoping deep down that it can split to 2 of you, or be used to hurt him?

 

I'm just throwing that out there- but I could be way off. Again, I don't want to upset you- but just ask yourself those hard questions- you do not have to answer them here.

 

Whatever you do, I hope you are truly comfortable with your decision.

 

Ultimately if your relationship is strong enough, it will survive either way, if it's not, it won't survive either way. So do what is best for YOU & THAT BABY, not for matters of keeping your partner around or not.

 

You CAN still finish school. My mother went back to school with three young children (7, 5 and a few months old) after she was divorced, and I know many other women whom have done the same. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it.

 

I agree with RayKay on that one.

 

I hope everything works out for you,

 

BellaDonna

[heavensent]

I know adoption is an option but if I went through with the pregnancy, there is NO WAY I'd ever be able to give my child up...I'd just be way to attached.

[hockeyboy]

If the baby is not 'good news' for it I would strongly suggest that you abort. A baby takes a lot of time , energy and love , it does not fix / repair ' loose ' relationships.

At this moment you still have lot of things to accomplish specially finish your bachelor you can't really get anywhere in this world without at least a bachelor , finish school and then you can have a baby if that's your desire.

 

But really the whole question is do you really want that baby , if the answer is anything other that a crysal clear YES without any doubt , don't have it.

 

im gonna avoid turning this into a poltical issue...but just because the child will make your life harder does not mean you should "abort" it.

 

And yes, adoption is another alternative. My little brother is adopted. There are so many families in this country that want a child. My parents were on a waiting list for 2 years!! It is something to consdier.

[hockeyboy]

I know adoption is an option but if I went through with the pregnancy, there is NO WAY I'd ever be able to give my child up...I'd just be way to attached.

 

ok then. you have to make a choice then...its either your child or an easier life.

 

just something to think about...i'd be everything i have that if you have this child...down the road you'd be sad at the thought of not having him/her. its weird to think of my brothers biological mother contemplating an abortion...i thank god she didnt.

[BellaDonna]

I know adoption is an option but if I went through with the pregnancy, there is NO WAY I'd ever be able to give my child up...I'd just be way to attached.

 

I had a friend of mine have an abortion recently. She didn't want to do it- her BF did. There is still an attachment that can form during the pregnacy- even in the early stages. Right now my friend feels a huge sense of loss. Abortion, in essense, is giving one of your children up as well.

 

All I can say is that I see what one of my best friends is going through- and I don't wish it upon anyone. Please think long and hard about this. If there's even an ounce of doubt- I think don't you should have an abortion.

 

 

BellaDonna

[heavensent]

I do not take offense to this in any way and I can completely understand how you could form this observation. However, that's not the case. If anything, I'm most scared of losing him. I love him so much and I want this perfect fairy tale life and I'm just so scared that with work, school, and a baby I'll have no time to dedicate to him and then he will be unhappy. I mean, we have only been together for 9 months, we never really had time to be just "us" and we won't really have a chance to just be a husband and wife, plus I am working on some inner trust issues still (which he is so supportive on) I just want to give our baby the best life possible and make sure at the same time I'm not neglecting my marriage or letting it fall apart.

[Bethany]

. But now I have been thinking about not having the baby, after being so offended by the suggestion he made of abortion, how can I tell him this? Especially now that he has come around and is happy to be a daddy?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

You DON'T tell him. His first reaction was one of fear and to 'run away from it' by wanting it all to go away, and that's why he said it. Infact YOU now are the same as he was. Are you to blame for thinking this way, of course not, everyone gets scared of such an enormous change in their lives.

 

If you want this baby, is it possible that HE stay home until you have finished school or you could ask for help from your family? There is always always a way through difficulties if it's what you really want so think long and hard before you take drastic action that cannot be reversed.

[Boricua7]

Wow. Your in a pickle. Here's what I do whenever I have an issue: write down the pros and cons. As stupid as this may sound it really does put things into perspective for you and you can make the right choice based on FACTS not just emotion (we all know feelings can sometimes get the best of us).

 

My mother's best friend had an abortion when she got pregnant. Her boyfriend is black and her family does not approve AT ALL. To this day she gets depressed when she sees a child that would be around her son's age and her tears are insatiable on what would have been her son's birthday. My mom's friend is also having difficulty getting pregnant now and may not be able to have kids...ever. There is more to this than you think. Do as much research as you can on abortion. You need to learn as much as you can about it's affects on your body and mind. You're considering abortion because you think it's the best thing for YOU but be as close to 100% sure as you possibly can; there are more consquences from having an abortion that you may not have thought of.

 

I would suggest talking to a professional about it. Go to a doctor or even a counselor and discuss with them your situation and your options. You need to tell "the father" about what is going on too. You would be amazingly selfish in not telling him. As horrible as the circumstances may be the child is half his and he deserves to know what is going. He has just as much say in the well-being of this child as you do.

 

One last thing, education is something that NO ONE can ever take away from you. Only you can stop yourself from pursuing your education. My mom was pregnant with me a year after she received her Associates. She knew what was important in life and left the college life to raise me (and then my sister, who was born 15 months after I was). When my sister and I were in school my mom returned to get her Bachelors. She took her classes during the times we were in class as well so that she would not miss being a part of our lives. I was in the 3rd grade when she graduated and it turned out to be a good thing because not only did she get her Bachelors, but she was being an amazing role model at the same time.

 

You really have to consider what is important in life. As RayKay mentioned, if things were meant to work out they will no matter what the circumstances.

[BellaDonna]

I want this perfect fairy tale life

 

Heavensent,

 

Don't ever get married under those contentions! LOL.... A marriage is never a fairy tale. There are up and downs, challenges and also great moments. But real life is far from a fairy tale.

 

A baby will stress a relationship no matter what- the question is- how will you deal with the stress as a couple- that's what matters. And aside from the stress- there is a lot of JOY too.

 

I'm just so scared that with work, school, and a baby I'll have no time to dedicate to him and then he will be unhappy

 

So you're afraid he might get unhappy and leave you? He is excited about this baby now. Not only that- he is taking marriage vows to you in 23 days, to be with you forever. He has come through so far- and has now began to support you wiht the pregnancy. I think he'll be a great dad- and the 2 of you will be just fine. Have a little faith- you are stressing yourself out about the prospect of things going wrong. You can't live life like that.

 

As RayKay said:

Ultimately if your relationship is strong enough, it will survive either way, if it's not, it won't survive either way. So do what is best for YOU & THAT BABY, not for matters of keeping your partner around or not.

 

BellaDonna

[heavensent]

Okay about Ray Kay...if our relationship isn't going to survive either way then I'd rather it not survive without a child so that our baby doesn't have to grow up with a broken family. I'd rather not be a single mother...I'd rather if our relationship failed that it be without a child invovled.

[Boricua7]

I am pro-choice ALL THE WAY.

 

I do, however, have some concerns with abortion because I think women need to think more before getting them. It seems to me that most just do it because they don't want things to get "hard" as opposed to really having thought things through. I'm not saying that you are doing this I'm just stating something I believe to be a fact.

 

I want you to ask yourself this question and you do not need to answer it here but please do think about it: Which is more fair do you think? A) denying your baby a family period or B) having your baby and allowing it the chance to have a family (whether broken or not)?

 

Have a little faith- you are stressing yourself out about the prospect of things going wrong. You can't live life like that.

 

I agree 100% with BellaDonna. It is good to consider the "what ifs" but not to live by them or allow them to take over like you have been. You will never know exactly what will happen so don't stress yourself out over it. There will never be a point where there is no "what if" or "maybe".

 

Remember what RayKay posted earlier, if it's meant to be it will be NO MATTER WHAT.

[GymSweetie]

I did the ab thing when i was 16 yo. i am now 46. 30 yrs later, i live to regret my decision. i still feel the spirit of my unborn child. i sooo wish i had chosen another option, like ad-option. the guilt is something i have to live with for the rest of my life-abortion attaches bad karma. if the father wants the baby, the decision should be mutual. i would definitely seek input from him.

[WildChild]

I wonder if your fear is not so much about losing him, but losing your life. He came to you and told you he wants this baby. If you are working on your trust issues with him, now is the time to put what you have learned into play. Trust him that this is what he wants. If he didn't, he wouldn't have changed his mind.

[Hope75]

Okay about Ray Kay...if our relationship isn't going to survive either way then I'd rather it not survive without a child so that our baby doesn't have to grow up with a broken family. I'd rather not be a single mother...I'd rather if our relationship failed that it be without a child invovled.

You are getting MARRIED to him. This is a risk for the rest of your lives that it might not work out. Is that going to hold you back forever, the fear of being a single mom? Do you plan to have children with him at some point?

 

Now may not be the best time, but think seriously about it, because being afraid to be a single mom now isn't going to change later on...

 

My girlfriend had an abortion 13 years ago at age 17. I drove her to the appt (we were room mates at the time) and she cried all the way home. At night, for weeks, she had nightmares and thought she heard babies crying. Her bf didn't want the baby and it wasn't a good time in her life to be having a baby. Is it ever?

 

13 years later she still regrets her decision, and thinks about what her child would be like if it had lived.

 

The decision is irreversable, to please choose wisely.

[Boricua7]

If the father wants the baby, the decision should be mutual. I would definitely seek input from him.

 

It takes TWO to tango. Because it takes TWO, you need to include him in your decision-making process. You are being selfish in not allowing him to be the father he obviously wants to be. Set aside your fear and allow him to do what is right. No matter how old you are and how good the relationship is, you will still have fears and doubts about having a child. Are you going to let this fear control your life?

 

How could you be upset that he didn't want your child and now that he does you push him away? Are you sure you're not just considering abortion because you don't want to have responsibility for your child? I mean, you are getting married in 23 days. Isn't having a family what getting married is all about?

[theantibarbie23]

There is a website that may be helpful to you. It's a pregnancy options workbook that I personally have found helpful in the recent past to sort out my feelings about my own unplanned pregnancy.

 

 

[The door mat]

Hello,

It is very normal to be scared. First he was scared and you saw him through it and showed him that this can be a positive thing and that the both of you can do this together. It is natural for a human to be scared about new things, but thats the amazing thing with this change you are going to be bringing a beautiful part of both of you into this world. I am a strong believer in that things happen for a reason. For whatever that reason may be you were ment to be pregnate. What you chose to do is your decision but to me you sound like a strong person I think you and him will get through this just fine, and as far as you still going to school I think that someone can do what they want to do as long as they put there mind to it. Yes having a baby will make it harder but in the long run its all worth it. This guy im glad that you said we both are putting in a 110%, what makes you think that when your going to school that he will not be there to help you.... Like i said this is something that is very important and you can never undo whatever you choose, But somewhere along the line this happened for a reason... Please dont forget the option for adoption..... I wish you well...

[RayKay]

Okay about Ray Kay...if our relationship isn't going to survive either way then I'd rather it not survive without a child so that our baby doesn't have to grow up with a broken family. I'd rather not be a single mother...I'd rather if our relationship failed that it be without a child invovled.

 

Sweetie, getting married and waiting a few years to have kids, is not going to guarantee you won't be a single mother. Not to be a pessimist, but there just are no guarantees like that.

 

My own mother had two children, and was 7 months pregnant with her third child when my father - her husband - decided he would rather be with someone else. This was after being married for almost 8 years.

 

Of course someone would "rather not" be a single mother, but children don't discrimate where there love comes from. If it comes from two parents together, wonderful, if it comes from them apart, wonderful. If they end up with four parents due to blended families, wonderful.

 

My original family is not together, but I hardly consider I grew up with a "broken" family.

 

Again, I can't tell you what to do, but be VERY sure about this. People do bond with their babies before birth. I think they bond the moment they know in some way. Planned or not. There is a reason parents say that the instant they saw their child they knew true pure love.

 

Whatever your choice it won't be easy, abortion, adoption or keeping that child, but you need to make the one YOU can live with. And yes, your fiance should be part of the decision too.

[annie24]

Ditto to what raykay said. I don't want to imply that this will happen to you, but a relative of mine had an abortion during her first marriage. Then, a few years later, she was (and still is!) married to a much better man, they tried for a while to have a baby, and when she finally got pregnant, she miscarried. That was very hard on her, she felt guilty and felt like she was being punished about the abortion. Well, they eventually had a healthy baby.

 

Just make sure that this is what you want, whatever choice you make.

[BellaDonna]

The website theantibarbie23 posted with the pregnancy workbook is a very good one. I was looking it over, and it really covers all bases.

 

I think that website can help you to begin to sort this all out. It's definitely worth a try to do that workbook,

 

 

BellaDonna

[MUST_LOVE_DOGS24]

well like hockeyboy said i dont want to make this a political issue but how would you feel if your mother aborted you because she didnt want you? Killing a inocent baby jsut because your selfish desire such as not wanting to ruin your relationship is wrong in my view. You both made that baby together out of love and all that baby deserves is the love you to share. Whether or not you believe this aborting a baby is murder to an innocent child. Im pregnant and 15 years old and I would do anything to keep my baby safe, alive, and healthy even though its not born.

 

Aborting a baby is a very tough decision i know. But think of better and happier ending options like giving it up for adoption or keeping it and having a family together. If he is really excited about the baby why dissappoint him after it has takin a lot to finally realize he is going to be a father and have to care for another and love them too with all his heart. I see no reason to have an abortion. YOu have to think of all the pro's and con's of the situation and alot of praying that you will make the right choice for all of you!

ERica