scared, hospitalization

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

By chance, I came acorss an article on bipolar disorder yesterday. Ive had Depression and Aspergers given to me as diagnosises (spelling?) over the past couple of years but it only felt half-right, like ... i could identify with some of aspergers synmptoms etc, but bipolar..is completely me.

 

Ive done things in the past that definitely constitute reckless, damaging and inexplicable behaviour (wandering the streets in pajamas...why did my parents NEVER pick up on all the crazy mad **** i did?)

 

Ive been *UP* the past few days and now im coming down. Its been insane. When im manic, I get / feel very religious. I work like crazy. I want to out socialiozing ALL the time, I spend a lot of money , like, 80% of all my bank account in 1 day. i exercise to point of stupidity. I feel hostile, mad, very critical.

 

i do art and admittedly mania helps sometimes with that as I tend to have a lot of ideas...but that crosses the nasty line into Racing Thouights.

 

usualy its not this bad and Id be back into depression by now but today, this time..it feels different, like i may .. *do something*. I need to sleep physically but my eyes are ringed from insomnia. Ive lost weight through behaviours that are anorexic but i strongly suspect is linked to my *ups* or manic/hypo or moderate-manic phases.

 

my eating is all over the place. everything is. im actually having a few visual hallucinations, mainly in forms of lights etc.

thanks for listening and i am using any willpower I have to get to someplace vaguely stable I really really dont want it to get to hospital stage because itd kill my parents for a lotr of reasons i dont have time to explain now, im holding out till I leave home (in a year) but what if i cant? i really dont like this at all

[newts]

Anti, This is so horrible. I am sure your parents would understand and be more than happy to support you through hospitalisation. 12mths is a very long time for someone who is experiencing the emotions you are, and it may all just get too much, your parents would much rather have you around than not.

 

Please ask them for help.

[darkblue]

What medication are you on, if any?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I am unmedicated right now/not on any.

[darkblue]

Have you any thoughts of considering medication.

Something like Lithium can dramastically help bipolar sufferers.

 

Of course, a doctor would have to find what mood stabilizer is best suited to you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

yeas, I would consider it because ythis makes me suicidal

 

Its not ythe meds or going to the doctors tnat I have a problem with. If i was over 18 or living away from my parents id have walked into doctors' by now. but whilst Im with my parents I dont feel its an option. Last time i sought help for asperger-related depression, i was assured confidentialty...they wrote to my parents! and my father seemed fairly unaffected by it by my mother just about lost it.

 

its not just grief she shows, its a horrid mix of anger-panic. if i show signs of being depressed, i dont get nice or even neutral treatment, i get hostility. to give you some idea, my mothers way of handling my anorexia when I was 14 weas to sit on my bed at night and for an hour hiss at me in graphic language how my body would eat itself and how selfish i was.

 

I have a few anger issues towards her, I guess (haha...I *guess*. I *know*)

[darkblue]

As you are in the UK, confidentiality laws should protect you.

However, there is a catch:

The confidentiality agreement states that the doctor(s) can inform your parents/guardians if you are of danger to yourself, or others.

 

In that case, they would let you know.

 

Make sure to tell them that you would not like for your parents to know that you request medication - if you do not want them to know.

 

Do you think your parents would take it badly, if you told them you would like to try medication?

Surely they must understand that medication could help ease your symptoms, and it would probably be for the best.

[Dako]

My bipolar brother found amazing relief from medication.

I wish those meds were available when he was young.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well i did something fairly brave today

 

I was hyper, somewhat, in a store earlier with my mother.

 

I dont know how, but I said id like to go back to shrink that diagnosed me with aspergers nbecause Id been having other issues

 

I said *Ive been thinking that maybe I might suffer manic depression*.

 

And She..Laughed and said *Yeah, it looks likely you have something along those lines* but she was not nasty. She was a little strange about it, but hey its progress, so in next fortnight I should be getting helped more.

 

She is anti-meds, but I said just telling my shrink cant hurt can it? So I think shes reluctantly agreed. She then pointed out how lucky I was to be able to function in day to day life! Dear me....im NOT really functioning hence my seeking help, but ... oh well whatever. important thing is, i got somewhere

[theantibarbie23]

its not just grief she shows, its a horrid mix of anger-panic. if i show signs of being depressed, i dont get nice or even neutral treatment, i get hostility. to give you some idea, my mothers way of handling my anorexia when I was 14 weas to sit on my bed at night and for an hour hiss at me in graphic language how my body would eat itself and how selfish i was.

 

Yeah, some people seem to think that certain disorders or conditions would end if the person just "snapped out of it!" She may not have a real understanding of these types of disorders so she might regard them as something you "could stop or control if you really wanted to". She may also be in denial about you having anything wrong with you at all.

 

My mom had that going on a lot when I was younger. She refused to believe that I was really depressed. She didn't even believe what the therepists told her (and I had quite a few). It wasn't until I was hospitalized from a suicide attempt at fourteen that she finally came to terms with it.

 

All that aside, sacrificing your mental health for this long a duration in order to make mom happy is NOT a good decision. It really doesn't matter if she doesn't like it, the bottom line is that you need to take care of yourself. You deserve the chance to feel normal again. Your mom may not understand the steps needed to get you there but that is not your issue, that's hers. Do what you have to do to work through your disorders. Your mom will come around in time.

[darkblue]

That's great, Antilove.

Make sure you arrange an appointment as soon as you can, so that your mum hasn't got much time to consider it!

 

Keep us updated, and you know where I am if you want to talk.