boyfriend going travelling without me

[kutekat100]

My boyfriend of two years broke up with on new years eve after a series of rows that were just going round in circles. I was obviously so upset and so was he and we talked a bit on the phone but didn't see each other. Anyway, three and a half weeks later and we are back together! He said he loved me deeply, he was so so sorry and things had just got on top of him and he wants more than anything to work things out. So were are! Both however are being cautious and so far I have seen him twice and it feels weird, I guess we are both still hurt, but I know we truly love each other and with a couple of weeks it will all be okay.

 

However he dropped the bombshell on me, that if we got back together I had to know that he is going travelling for five/six months in September. I was really hurt by this; we had talked a bit about going together but I have always known he wants to do it. I can understand why he wants to go, but I am so hurt that he does not want to go with me, even knowing that I want to go travelling too. He is going with his best mate. He says he does not want o go with me incase we have a huge argument

 

I said I was okay, that I was going to do a bit of travelling as well and my flatmate wants to come, but I thought this would be three months max. Five/six months seems like a long time to be apart. He says he will remain faithful but I am really not sure how easy this is to do when you are travelling, especially with another single guy. For our whole relationship he has said he can't bear to be apart from me for longer than three days and we have always seen each other a fair amount and it's always him that is the first to say he misses me. So I am confused as to how he thinks it will be so easy to go for six months without seeing me, especially when I am willing to come. I'm not sure what to do. As a compromise I suggested whilst I am also travelling with my flatmate, we meet up in Australia for five to six weeks and he said that sounded like an amazing idea. So it still leaves me wondering why he doesn't want to do more of it with me/ how he thinks we will survive for those six months etc etc.

 

Any input/similar stories would be great.

[xxx]

He says he doesn't want to go with you in case you have a huge argument. Is he worried that that will ruin the relationship or simply worried that his trip will be f&cked up?

[Itsok]

Don't be offended. It sounds like he just wants some space to himself, to go out and explore on his own. He said it would be an amazing idea for you guys to all meet up in Australia, so I don't think there's a problem. If he would have said "no way" to that, then I'd be a little more concerned.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he just needs space, and if the relationship is worth having, you will get back together feeling more in love and close than before. He doesn't think he will miss you, but he will Don't worry If it's meant to be it will work out.

[Darketernal]

My rule is simple 'NEVER WAIT IN LIFE' life is too short to wait. For all you know he'll be dating another girl at the end of those 6 months that he meets at wherever he is going. A guy can pack his bags and leave anyday. Since you have ZERO garentee that it will work out, and you two are already on the 'verge' of splitting up, i say forget it.

 

Basically he's saying 'hey i want to waste half a year of your life'

 

This guy who you are dating has something we call 'bad timing' , breaking your heart at new years eve, then getting together again, then saying im gonna leave you for 6 months. I know trashcans that get a better treatment then you get from this guy. So my advice is.

 

Sure you can let him go on a vacation for 6 months, but tell him your gonna date other guys meanwhile he is away. Say you need time for yourself too and want to explore what more is out there for you. And that after the 6 months are over and thing haven't worked out for you, you two could always still get together again. (but my honest opinion is that i don't like this guy and his ways,what a heartbreaker)

[shes2smart]

My college bf and I booked a cruise about a year in advance. We'd dated for 2 years and lived together for a total of 5 years. A few months after we booked the trip (in year 4 of living together) we started to figure out the relationship was coming to an end. But here we were, stuck with these cruise tickets. He offered to give his ticket to my best friend so I could go with her (this was in the early 90's, before there were so many restrictions on transferrabilty of booked travel). He and I were barely getting along, but due to financial considerations, needed to live under the same roof for a few more months. In order to live together peaceably, we went to a few counseling sessions.

 

We were able to negotiate a lot of things in counseling, including going on the cruise together. Much as I would've liked to go on the trip with my best friend, I didn't think it was fair he give up his trip just because we were breaking up. (Don't ask me to explain it, all I can tell you is it made sense at the time)

 

Anyway, we went on the cruise, had a reasonably good time, but it was kind of sad at the same time....we both knew it was sort of a "last hurrah" for the relationship. I moved out a couple months after we got back. I don't know that it would've been better if I'd gone with my best friend or not. This is all more than 15 years in the past at this point, and, yeah, I'm glad we were able to stop bickering long enough to have one last good vacation together, even though the awareness that it was going to be the last one together was incredibly sad at the time.

 

Your bf is not leaving until September, and that's a good 8 months away. A lot can happen between now and then. Given the recent rockiness between the two of you, it seems reasonable to me that he wouldn't want to invest time and money planning a trip with someone he's not sure he's still going to be with.

 

I know this will be hard, but try not to take it personally...he's probably trying to be practical. After all, who wants to get stuck with non-transferrable tickets for a long trip with someone who may be your ex? It probably feels like a safer bet to him to book the travel with his friend. If it hadn't been for the counseling sessions I had with my college bf, I probably would've opted to go with my friend instead.

 

Depending on the content of the arguments that lead to your break-up, he may not see himself staying in a relationship with you in the long-term. I don't know him, you, or what those arguments were about. What I'm suggesting to you is that you might want to entertain the idea that he's not sure how long he's going to stick around, and make some plans for your own life accordingly.

[Vanilla]

I dont know about you, but I dont know a lot of guys who will travel with their best buddy for 6 months and not have the desire to hook up with foreign girls.

 

the above poster is right, a lot can happen in the time up until the trip.

 

however if he does go without you....don't sit there waiting for him to come back...just go on about your life. I can see 1-2 mos....reasonable if he had planned this way before....but 6 mos? remain faithful while traveling alone with a single guy?? what does he think you were born yesterday? do you honestly believe that two guys traveling alone are just going to go out places alone and ONLY meet other men?

 

Seriously...your boyfriend is funny.

 

when people need space they see eachother maybe once a week, or go away for the weekend....not for 6 mos alone traveling everywhere witha single pal.

 

it's up to you. I wouldn't put up with it. to me its just wasting your time.

[RayKay]

I don't think him travelling with his friend is a sure sign of he is wanting to hook up with others, or he does not value his commitment. When I was 19, my boyfriend of one year went away for a year (continents apart!) and we were committed right through it and were together for another 3 years after that until he passed away. Another of my partners accepted a temporary job in another city for 6 months away from me. And again, the commitment was never in doubt.

 

For both it was a way for them to do things they always wanted to, to build their own identity, to explore the world and themselves.

 

Now, I of course cannot say your situation is the same, but I don't think it is so out there that he would want to travel with his buddy. Yes, he has said he is not sure about travelling with you the whole time (but did agree to do part of it with you in Australia) due to fighting - which may show he is not sure of your compatibility at this point and face it, it would make the trip really stressed if that did happen, but this may not be about you as much as it is about him. He may want to have some freedom to just be his own person.

 

Of course, there is also the fact that he may not want that pressure. Travelling together for 6 months, and being around each other 24 hours a day may be a BIT too much for him at this point after a recent breakup, and he cannot predict the future. You just got back together, and promising to travel together for months on end may be a promise he just is not ready to make yet. You are still having to work on the issues together and rebuild things. If this has been a pattern (fighting) I can see his hesitation.

 

He will miss you, as you will miss him, but it can be done. Sometimes it even brings you closer together.

 

I know it is difficult, but ultimately when we love someone, we also realize they need the room to be their own person, and stretch their wings. If he is not truly committed, he would not be even if he was living in the same room. If he is going to cheat, he will do it overseas or next door...if someone is the faithful type, he will remain so no matter what opportunities are thrown his way. If he is not, he will look for opportunities. There are no guarantees either way, it's what you believe in him.

 

If your relationship is truly strong and meant to be, it will be distance and all. If it is not, it won't be whether he stays or not. It is possible he does not see you there in the long term, given the arguments and the break up, maybe this is him trying to see if he can be without you or if he can't...but if so I promise pressuring to go with him won't help you in the end then. I don't know, I can't predict the future. But you have to be confident in yourself that no matter what happens, YOU will be okay.

 

Go on your own trip, and have fun yourself. Meet him in Australia, catch up on how it is going, and continue your journey's.

[kutekat100]

Thank you for all your comments. I understand what some of you are saying by he's basically having his cake and eating it! When we split I had been giving him a lot of grief and we had been arguing for at least two months, so something had to happen to stop it.

 

He is very honest and wouldn't get back together with me unless he really meant it and was serious. So I don't doubt that he loves me. Obviously this sounds contradictory to me then saying I don't think he can remain faithful for six months…but I still believe even if you love someone, its very hard to do when you are seeing new places and having lots of new experiences.

 

This is really my fault because I know if we hadn't argued for the last two months he would probably still want to go with me. I just wonder if over the next seven months, if we son;t argue at all, if maybe I can persuade him that it would still be lots of fun to do together. But perhaps that's just me having wishful thinking. I know that sounds like I'm putting my life on hold for him, but its really not like that. I think he had just been very hurt by the break up and the arguments…and perhaps if we have a glorious seven months together he may want to go with me still. But maybe its not that easy to change his mind…

[xxx]

 

This is really my fault because I know if we hadn't argued for the last two months he would probably still want to go with me. I just wonder if over the next seven months, if we son;t argue at all, if maybe I can persuade him that it would still be lots of fun to do together. But perhaps that's just me having wishful thinking. I know that sounds like I'm putting my life on hold for him, but its really not like that. I think he had just been very hurt by the break up and the arguments…and perhaps if we have a glorious seven months together he may want to go with me still. But maybe its not that easy to change his mind…[/font]

 

Bloke's perspective: Either you are difficult to have a relationship with or he is one lucky son of a * * * * * as you think you are in thre wrong!!

 

It takes two to fight - and unless you are being completely unreasonable in your treatment of him, it seems that you blame yourself for all the fighting!

 

Think about the fights. Were you completely to blame or does he share the blame?

 

I currently get the impression that either you are too clingy or he is a selfish bastard who wants everything his own way.

[Zimetra]

This is a good test for your relationship: If the two of you are truly committed, it will be

1) a great travelling experience for him - I can totally understand why someone would want to travel without his partner, I have the same desire at times, and it has nothing to do with a desire to be unfaithful (I can do that in my own country if that's what I want ); this need to travel on my own or with friends arises from the need to have genuine experiences on my OWN and a meaning to my life that does not depend on him. It does NOT mean that I love my partner less!

 

2) a great experience for both of you - being apart for more than just a few weeks can teach you so much about your relationship and bring you much closer together afterwards. In fact, if you make the best out of it, it can have a similar effect on you like the effect of travelling alone I described before. Two strong individuals with their own autonomous lives make a much stronger and longer-lasting couple. These 6 months could be the first step on this path.

 

It could also be the contrary - it might not work out. But hey, if he doesn't travel because you are upset about his plans, his unfulfilled wishes will be eating him, he will blame you, and in the end it won't work out anyway. So the best way to deal with this is to accept the test and make the best out of it.

 

Zimetra

[snugglemufin]

Ok, there are a few issues here....

 

(1) He needs some space. if thats the case, then a few WEEKS is enough, not months. If he can't bear to be without you for three days then he wouldn't even consider going away for months.

 

(2) It sounds like he is holding onto you as an "insurance" policy. What this means is that he wants to go away with his mates, meet more girls, have his wicked way, and if he gets all that, he will break up, if not, he will come running to you.

 

(3) He really wants to break up but doesn't have the guts to admit it so says he still wants you just to make himself feel better when he jets off. Knowing that you are "his girl" makes him feel good and happy when he leaves, rather than sad and upset if he dumped you BEFORE he leaves.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds so negative but I am a guy and I know how our minds work, I'm ashamed to say.

 

In my opinion, you deserve better. Look at the "writing on the wall" with all your arguments and aks yourself if you really LOVE each other , or ar just so used to each other's company that you don't want to be apart simply because it feels to different,

 

This 6 month trip MAY be the biggest favour he can ever do for you

[kutekat100]

Thanks for all your comments. Snugglemuffin I ehar what you're saying and these thoughts are obviously going through my mind, but I think RayKay and Zimetra, your advice is very good. In the past i have believed negative things about our relationship rather than positive and thta has been so detrimental and came somewhat towards breaking us up.

 

I really wnat to trust him on this an dhave faith and believe in us...it's just that leap of faith that I am having trouble with. I don't think he is the type to get back together with me if he didn't want to remain committed and create a better relationship than w ehad before. And I spoke to him on the phone and he says I surely don't know him that well, if i think he will be unfathful just because there are a few hot girls around.

 

I guess this really is a test of our relationship. It just seems that evryone aorund me has really easy relationships with no tests!! But maybe thats just me thinking they do.

 

I wonder has nayone else got stories of how they survived when their partner decided to travel? thanks! xxx

[xxx]

I am guessing that the "xxx" at the end of your post is kisses for everyone and not asking me if I have such experience?

 

Anyway you are at risk of over-analysing everything. The relationship either feels right and you trust him or it doesn't and you dont.

 

BTW I have had one long distance relationship. I was sure that she was unfaithful to me - but only because she was really hot and I know that blokes would give her every opportunity! In the end we drifted apart and I met my one true love shortly after. So I guess everyone who says that fate has a way of delivering you the right cards is kind of right.

[patience]

Six months???

 

I'd consider that a break up. He wants to live a separate life, then he should do the right thing and break it off with you first...not keep you hanging. Anything could happen.

 

The question is, is this the sort of relationship you want? Personally, I would feel very hurt and it would be a deal-breaker for me for sure.

[Zimetra]

He wants to live a separate life, then he should do the right thing and break it off with you first...not keep you hanging. Anything could happen.

 

Anything could happen anywhere. People can grow apart even when they live in the same town or the same apartment. The temporary distance will not make it worse or better, it will make the situation different. It's up to them what they make out of it. I have seen couples who were closer than ever after a long period of apartness; in fact it even saved their relationship. I have seen others who went separate ways after that period.

 

That's why I say this is a test. They may pass it, they may fail. But it would be a waste of time to 'prevent failure' by not travelling - if it won't work out, then why stay together for another year or two? Life is too precious for that. - On the other hand, if it does work out, this test will make the two of them a stronger couple than ever.

 

I'd consider that a break up.

This quote has to come from someone who is not in a mature relationship. Some people seem to believe as a couple you constantly have to stick together. Totally wrong approach. Sooner or later, one of them will feel enchained. The more space and air to breathe you give each other, the better the chances are that you will stay happy together as two strong individuals.

 

Zimetra

[kutekat100]

I have to say, as much as I am upset about the whole thing, I also think patience is a bit immature to say that six months is classified as a break up! I'm hurt by it, but lots of relationships come up against distance and I really appreciate what zimetra is saying. Plus we are only 26! Of course we are going to want to travel! I think I can understand his wanting to go with his friend, boys will be boys and all that! But lots of people face distance. I really thank you for making that clear in my head.

[patience]

I said that I would consider it a break up. It has nothing to do with maturity. Different people have different ways of viewing what it is to be a couple. Everyone has unique needs in relationships. What would work for you might not work for someone else. For myself, I would not want to be in the sort of relationship you are describing, as that would not meet my relationship needs. It's not a judgement. Take it as you will. Some people like to live in the same city as their partner...some people are cool with living hundreds, if not thousands, of miles apart. Some people do not need to see or physically be with their partner. It all depends on what you need. Can you see what I am saying here?

 

How do YOU define a relationship? What does being in a relationship mean to you? That is what matters here. Are YOUR needs being met by this relationship? Will YOUR needs continue to be met if you travel separately for several months?

 

Whether or not you want to be in a LDR is your decision...but be realistic about it.

 

I don't view this as a 'test', but hey, if that makes you feel better, than go ahead and see it that way. Again, focus on your needs. He is choosing to leave without you. How does his choice make you feel? Honour your feelings. Honour what you need. How much emotional and physical closeness do you need to stay in relationship with him?

 

You asked for input. I am offering a different perspective. Think what you will, feel what you will.

[kutekat100]

Oh yes, I see what you are saying, but I don't think relationships are as clear cut at that. Sometimes people make decisions that may not be in 'your plan' of how things should go, but surely as long as you trust in them and stick by them and know it is making them happy, then you create a better relationship. x

[patience]

Your happiness matters too. Your needs matter. His needs matter. It seems that you may have different needs right now, and that can be difficult to deal with.

 

Hopefully the two of you can find a compromise, so that both of your needs are adequately met.

[Zimetra]

Kutekat,

I am not saying you should just let him have his way and suffer through it but actually it is completely against your beliefs. If you just let him go "because HE needs to spend time with the boys", you will constantly blame him for your unhappiness and loneliness.

 

I have been trying to explain to you that this period of separateness (it is not a LDR, 6 months is too short for that) could also have positive aspects for you and might have positive effects on your relationship. If you can't see that and if you feel as if you're just making a sacrifice for him, then that's not the approach I am talking about. I am talking about a situation both feel comfortable with.

 

Wishing the two of you all the best,

Zimetra