Lying, crossing boundaries... but not quite cheating

[sonyah35]

Hi... this is my first time posting, and I'm feeling very emotional right now. I'd really appreciate your help... sorry if it's a bit long... just trying to get it all out. Thanks.

 

I have a boyfriend of over 3 years... we've been living together for 6 months, and have been talking of marriage and kids. He's a photographer, and a few weeks ago he went to an out-of-state photography workshop. I was upset that he'd be away for a little over a week, but I knew it was good for him, so I supported him in his decision to go. He called every night, and I knew he was getting a lot out of the workshop, so I was happy. He said his photography was really improving.

 

When he came back, he didn't seem that happy to see me. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I became suspicious when he brought out an expensive necklace that he bought me as a souvenir. (He never buys me expensive stuff.) Anyway, over the next few days, lies upon lies were told.

 

I finally pulled something out of him... he said there was an assignment on the human body. Initially, he said it was required to be a nude portrait... he lied about that. He was paired up with a girl a few years older than me and he never told me about this assignment. To "get comfortable," they went skinny dipping in a nearby lake. They each went on to photograph each other naked, both of them being naked the entire time. They talked and swam together naked.

 

He maintains that there was no touching or anything sexual, and I believe that much. But he did say that she was pretty and that she had a "nice body." What's more is I asked why he did it.. why he crossed that boundary.. he said a few things:

1. it was a photographic challenge

2. he wanted to see her naked

3. he was lonely and wanted an emotional connection to her

 

If he wanted to do the assignment in a truly photographic way, he could have explained it to me on the phone, and I would have been more understanding of it. This way, I feel betrayed and deceived. He was hiding it because he knew I would react this way.

 

Again, all of this had to be forced out of him. This is when I really lost it... we have had a completely monogamous relationship, no desire for others, nothing. I was lonely when he was gone as well, but I would never have sought out someone else.

 

So, he did not truly "cheat" on me... it was an assignment. But he did not have to do it with either of them being naked. That was his choice. He said that he didn't even think about me the entire time.

 

What can I do? I love him more than anything... I've been waiting for a proposal of marriage, and kids... and now I feel like my entire world is crumbling down.

 

Also, I'm embarrassed to tell any family members or friends... so I've come here. Please share your thoughts... any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Sonya

[secret_agent_man]

Yea, I see the predicament. I think you should be glad he admitted it at all. If he didn't care about you, he'd probably be able to get away with it and never tell anyone else.

 

You have to look at why he told you. He probably didn't tell you because he was afraid you'd find out, but more likely from the story you gave, he felt aweful, and was afraid to tell you. I'm sure it was a scary time for him. There's a lot of unknowns there. I cheated once and I did the same thing because I couldn't live with myself. I learned a lot about myself and It ended up working out very well for us. She trusted me more afterwards for the fact that I could be honest. I made a mistake, and that mistake was; getting out of control at a party. I let myself get too drunk to the point where I barely remember it. I knew I couldn't hide behind the booze lie, because it's no excuse. So I told her everything.

 

Just be glad he believed enough in your relationship and told you. It's your choice what to do in your situation, but just please see that side of it. I am really glad I got that chance.

 

Now, I feel more in control, because I learned so much about myself. It's definitely not in my nature to do anything like that, but now I realize I'm human, and I make mistakes. I know how to prevent things like this from happening again. And I also never want to feel that horrible again. I'm sure he would agree at this point.

 

S.A.M.

[kdreger]

I'm of mixed emotions.

 

He told you about it. He didn't have to. It's unlikely you would have found out. thereforeeeeee, he cares.

 

Problem is that it sounds like he is burning to experience other things. How old are you two? Has he had many girlfriend before you?

 

It's possible he's looking at marriage and kids as a scary thing. It really depends on your age but don't rush things. You could in your race to get married and have kids lose him.

 

My advice is to make sure you are at peace with it. If you're not, talk to him about it. Once you are at peace PLEASE PLEASE never bring it up again in the heat of the moment or during an argument. I've see so many relationships die because someone brings up something up over and over again. Deal with it NOW and then let it go.

 

Let the future decide if you two are meant together based on his future actions, don't let this one ruin everything.

[Genesis]

I think that he did more than what he said , but that is just my opinion. I do not know what I would do if I were in your shoes. Ask him what he wants to do, you do not want him to make a habit of this.

 

May be the two of you guys should take a break from the relationship, Shacking up does not make it any better. The two of you should have a serious talk about marriage and or a future if you are not going to get married then you SHOULD NOT BE LIVING WITH HIM! Do not play house with someone honey.

 

He seems like an OK guy I mean he told you, and a lot of men would have lied about the whole thing. God Bless you honey, Give him a chance to make it up , and MAKE HIM PAY FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!

[sonyah35]

Thanks to those who have replied... it really means a lot to get other people's opinions, it makes me feel a lot less isolated.

 

Just to clear up a few questions some of you had...

 

We're both 25 years old, and we only recently made the decision to live together because we were so strongly committed to each other. My Mom was actually against it at first, but he talked to my Mom and once she felt confident enough in our relationship, that was that.

 

In the first year of our relationship, we talked about the idea of getting married and having kids... I brought it up because that's an expectation I had out of a serious relationship, and I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't want those things in their future. Over the years, marriage has become more of a casual thing that we're both looking forward to. In fact, he's the one who has brought up wondering what our kids will look like, and how excited he is to have kids.

 

Marriage and kids is still a few years off, but it's more recently been something we're both comfortable about.

 

I've loved living together... it's brought us closer, and has brought a lot more honesty and openness to the table.

 

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to work while he was gone. He's been crying and we've been talking about it non-stop for a few days now. He's reading these comments too, and I think it's good for both of us to see these sides of the argument from a 3rd party perspective.

 

He's been in two other relationships, one in high school and the other in the first few years of college. He actually ended the last relationship because his girlfriend at the time was cheating on him... so he knows the "punched in the stomach" feeling when you first find out about the cheating.

 

As of now, I have chosen not to end the relationship... I've been able to see the good in him, and it's much easier now that he's no longer defensive... and that he knows what he did was wrong. He knows that he has a LOT to do to earn my trust again and to make it up to me. But I'm seeing this as a long process for both of us.

 

What's worrying me at this point is that I can't get these pictures out of my head... I keep going over and over it in my mind. When I'm with him now, I'm happy again. But when I picture what happened.. how he was naked with another woman because he chose to be... I just feel sick to my stomach and want to cry for an hour.

 

Any advice on how to deal with all of this? Does it take more than just time to heal these wounds (these images)?

 

Further advice on this situation in general helps so much... any wisdom you may have will help more than you know.

 

Thanks again,

Sonya

[secret_agent_man]

sonyah,

First off, we're always here for you on the board. Post if you're having troubles. That's what we're here for, so you don't have to go through it alone.

 

I'm glad to hear you are working on it for both of you. You will be surprised in time how strong something like this can make you. I'm very glad to see that you are talking. I understand the crying, like I said, I've been there before. There's not much else you can do.

 

Forgivenes first, trust second. Take it one step at a time, and don't tell him that you're over it until you really are. You must be honest about that even if it takes a long time. You also must realize that if you don't think you CAN get over this then you shouldn't drag it out. Seeing that you are still there tells me you probably can. Just don't lie to him or yourself and keep the communications open. If you repeat yourself for months about it, he'd rather hear and discuss it than have you leave because of frustration that you held inside.

 

As far as those thoughts, I wouldn't wish them on anyone, but it's a natural thing. If you didn't have these at some, it would mean you didn't love him. The fact that he made a mistake affects both of you greatly, but as I said, it takes time. They will pass when you better understand and trust him.

 

Best of luck, hold on...

 

S.A.M.

[sonyah35]

Well, time certainly does help... things have gotten better. I'm less inclined to think about those thoughts. Couples' work has definitely helped! And in therapy, we did arrive at the fact that it was not his idea to go skinnydipping.. .it was something she suggested to make them both feel more comfortable. This makes sense that he didn't say no.. it was an uncomfortable situation for him, and he's too much of a people-pleaser.

 

One thing he did tell me that as screwed up as his boundaries seemed to be at the time, he did not look at her naked aside from the 5 minutes when he was photographing her naked - and during that time, it was more about photo composition rather than her body. He said that it was awkward, and he felt like looking at her would have been inappropriate. And for everything else he's admitted, I really do believe him.

 

We both still blame him, and we both know that he was wrong in the situation no matter what. (And, yes, he's going to pay dearly for it.) But I've recently seen some of his classmates' photos for this assignment in the workshop. And it seems like his photos of her were the most "innocent" of the entire workshop. All his photos of her naked were while she was swimming in the water, so he never once saw her fully naked, head to toe. But some of his classmates' photos were taken while the other was showering, or just lying on a bed completely naked... a lot more risque.

 

And not to take the blame off my boyfriend, but it's gotten me wondering about the assignment put forth by the teacher. It's a documentary photo workshop, and body forms was never part of it - why almost forcefully suggest such an intimate setting with colleagues? Why suggest that it makes both parties more comfortable for both of them to be naked? I know my boyfriend needs a lot of work in his boundaries, lying, and saying "no," but I know he would not seek out a situation like this. I'm just starting to feel that the inappropriateness started before they took their clothes off.

 

Comments? Thoughts? Thanks again, everyone.

[secret_agent_man]

I think you are a VERY strong person. In a situation like this it is extremely hard to keep your head as grounded as you are. I am very glad to see that things are beginning to work themselves out.

 

When you said, "he is going to pay dearly for this", I think that is appropriate as well. He definitely does need to see what it does to you, not just his own guilt. The fact is, if you show him how much it hurts, but you still give him everything you've got, he'll see how much you love him, and things will grow stronger with time.

 

From the way you wrote this last post, I agree with you in the sense that he seemed uncomfortable and was slightly pressured into it. Don't let it become an excuse, but I'm glad that you can see past the initial sting that it has left you..

 

Keep your head up, have faith! I know you'll be fine.

 

S.A.M.