sonyah35

Well, time certainly does help... things have gotten better. I'm less inclined to think about those thoughts. Couples' work has definitely helped! And in therapy, we did arrive at the fact that it was not his idea to go skinnydipping.. .it was something she suggested to make them both feel more comfortable. This makes sense that he didn't say no.. it was an uncomfortable situation for him, and he's too much of a people-pleaser. One thing he did tell me that as screwed up as his boundaries seemed to be at the time, he did not look at her naked aside from the 5 minutes when he was photographing her naked - and during that time, it was more about photo composition rather than her body. He said that it was awkward, and he felt like looking at her would have been inappropriate. And for everything else he's admitted, I really do believe him. We both still blame him, and we both know that he was wrong in the situation no matter what. (And, yes, he's going to pay dearly for it.) But I've recently seen some of his classmates' photos for this assignment in the workshop. And it seems like his photos of her were the most "innocent" of the entire workshop. All his photos of her naked were while she was swimming in the water, so he never once saw her fully naked, head to toe. But some of his classmates' photos were taken while the other was showering, or just lying on a bed completely naked... a lot more risque. And not to take the blame off my boyfriend, but it's gotten me wondering about the assignment put forth by the teacher. It's a documentary photo workshop, and body forms was never part of it - why almost forcefully suggest such an intimate setting with colleagues? Why suggest that it makes both parties more comfortable for both of them to be naked? I know my boyfriend needs a lot of work in his boundaries, lying, and saying "no," but I know he would not seek out a situation like this. I'm just starting to feel that the inappropriateness started before they took their clothes off. Comments? Thoughts? Thanks again, everyone.

Thanks to those who have replied... it really means a lot to get other people's opinions, it makes me feel a lot less isolated. Just to clear up a few questions some of you had... We're both 25 years old, and we only recently made the decision to live together because we were so strongly committed to each other. My Mom was actually against it at first, but he talked to my Mom and once she felt confident enough in our relationship, that was that. In the first year of our relationship, we talked about the idea of getting married and having kids... I brought it up because that's an expectation I had out of a serious relationship, and I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't want those things in their future. Over the years, marriage has become more of a casual thing that we're both looking forward to. In fact, he's the one who has brought up wondering what our kids will look like, and how excited he is to have kids. Marriage and kids is still a few years off, but it's more recently been something we're both comfortable about. I've loved living together... it's brought us closer, and has brought a lot more honesty and openness to the table. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to work while he was gone. He's been crying and we've been talking about it non-stop for a few days now. He's reading these comments too, and I think it's good for both of us to see these sides of the argument from a 3rd party perspective. He's been in two other relationships, one in high school and the other in the first few years of college. He actually ended the last relationship because his girlfriend at the time was cheating on him... so he knows the "punched in the stomach" feeling when you first find out about the cheating. As of now, I have chosen not to end the relationship... I've been able to see the good in him, and it's much easier now that he's no longer defensive... and that he knows what he did was wrong. He knows that he has a LOT to do to earn my trust again and to make it up to me. But I'm seeing this as a long process for both of us. What's worrying me at this point is that I can't get these pictures out of my head... I keep going over and over it in my mind. When I'm with him now, I'm happy again. But when I picture what happened.. how he was naked with another woman because he chose to be... I just feel sick to my stomach and want to cry for an hour. Any advice on how to deal with all of this? Does it take more than just time to heal these wounds (these images)? Further advice on this situation in general helps so much... any wisdom you may have will help more than you know. Thanks again, Sonya

Hi... this is my first time posting, and I'm feeling very emotional right now. I'd really appreciate your help... sorry if it's a bit long... just trying to get it all out. Thanks. I have a boyfriend of over 3 years... we've been living together for 6 months, and have been talking of marriage and kids. He's a photographer, and a few weeks ago he went to an out-of-state photography workshop. I was upset that he'd be away for a little over a week, but I knew it was good for him, so I supported him in his decision to go. He called every night, and I knew he was getting a lot out of the workshop, so I was happy. He said his photography was really improving. When he came back, he didn't seem that happy to see me. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I became suspicious when he brought out an expensive necklace that he bought me as a souvenir. (He never buys me expensive stuff.) Anyway, over the next few days, lies upon lies were told. I finally pulled something out of him... he said there was an assignment on the human body. Initially, he said it was required to be a nude portrait... he lied about that. He was paired up with a girl a few years older than me and he never told me about this assignment. To "get comfortable," they went skinny dipping in a nearby lake. They each went on to photograph each other naked, both of them being naked the entire time. They talked and swam together naked. He maintains that there was no touching or anything sexual, and I believe that much. But he did say that she was pretty and that she had a "nice body." What's more is I asked why he did it.. why he crossed that boundary.. he said a few things: 1. it was a photographic challenge 2. he wanted to see her naked 3. he was lonely and wanted an emotional connection to her If he wanted to do the assignment in a truly photographic way, he could have explained it to me on the phone, and I would have been more understanding of it. This way, I feel betrayed and deceived. He was hiding it because he knew I would react this way. Again, all of this had to be forced out of him. This is when I really lost it... we have had a completely monogamous relationship, no desire for others, nothing. I was lonely when he was gone as well, but I would never have sought out someone else. So, he did not truly "cheat" on me... it was an assignment. But he did not have to do it with either of them being naked. That was his choice. He said that he didn't even think about me the entire time. What can I do? I love him more than anything... I've been waiting for a proposal of marriage, and kids... and now I feel like my entire world is crumbling down. Also, I'm embarrassed to tell any family members or friends... so I've come here. Please share your thoughts... any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Sonya