I Have No Idea What To Do

[Rickster]

Im kind of stuck in this situation. I call my ex quite regularly at times. Maybe twice a week. Something around there. But most of the time she replies me quite rudely and there is disrespect. But there are some times when she talks to me very nicely. My ex has a bf. Im just getting confused. I talk about things that happened recently and news and some gossip. I noticed that I do call her at wrongs time most of the time. Like shes out somewhere, or shes doing something, or watching tv or something that she is occupied. And most of these times when shes busy shes normally quite rude. I can understand that shes busy and its not the best time to talk, and I do respect that. I know how it feels like when I talk to people on the mobile when Im out doing something, its not very comfortable. But there were a few times (quite rare) that she would actually be interested and sounds like she wants to talk to me more than I want to talk to her. And I do notice it when she is free or bored. My sister says I should ask her why she talks to me with disrespect. I don't really know whether I should actually ask her that question. I feel that she might get angry that I even thought of such a question to ask. And I feel that she might be talking to me like that because she's trying to protect the interest of her bf. Im not sure what the reason is. Most of the time when I do call her at the wrong times, she says shes busy or not free and I have to go.

 

Do you people think I should ask her this question?

 

Thanx

[newts]

Why do you call her?

Do you want to get back with her?

are you just trying to be friends?

How long ago did you break up and for what reasons?

Does she every initiate contact?

 

When your ex has a partner they usually do try to protect the interest of this person.

 

Maybe she just doesn't really want to speak to you?

[Ms Omaniac]

i can relate to this but from your gf side.

which is why im stressing to you...do NOT call her anymore.

there is this guy i used to like a lot. he dumped me twice. NOW he really regrets it. it's been years and he's still trying. i am sooooooooooo over the feeling though. i would never go back. it's to the point i dont even know what i saw in him.

but when he'd call...if i have nothing better to do...i would feel like im doing him a huge favor by allowing him to hear how i was doing. i would be irritated if he called too much. and some days....i was just in a good mood or i want a self-esteem boost and i'd talk to him.

once i realized what i was doing and how i would HATE for this to happen to me...i stopped talking to him altogether. i realized i was stringing this guy along and it was best for both of us for us to stop talking altogther. he kept hoping for more. and i realized i kept him there to help my self-esteem when i needed someone to make me feel better....WHICH WAS VERY WRONG OF ME.

when i chose to stop talking to him....he took it awfully. i didnt because i had a great bf that i adored. i started to feel guilty though...not because i hurt him...but how could i be so callous and not even feel a thing that i was hurting someone.

im not proud of it. but the reason why im telling you this is because it sounds like your ex is doing the same thing. and it's downright mean.

[hockeyboy]

rather then asking her this i really think you should tell her (calmly) that she disrespects you and that you have no need to speak with her and leave it at that.

[lillady898]

Don't ask her. Do you really want to give her the satsifaction of knowing that you even care she's being nasty?

 

It's your ex. You'll never find out why she does the things she does. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you (for whatever reason), maybe she really is just busy, or maybe she's seeing someone new. Even if you did ask, she won't tell you.

 

No contact should be your new best friend. Obviously you're not getting the reaction you want out of calling her, and I doubt you ever will. Why prolong the pain anymore?

[annie24]

1. You broke up.

2. She has a new bf.

 

Of course she's not going to be friendly to you on the phone. I think you should stop calling her. Clearly, she isn't interested in talking to you. And, she's moved on. I think you should lose her number and stop calling her.

 

If she wanted to have a friendly relationship with you, she'd call you equally. Does she ever actually call you just to chat?

[Lady Bugg]

Rick

 

I agree with the others. She's your ex...why are you even CALLING her at ALL...let alone a couple times a week?? She's not your g/f..that's what women do!!

 

I am not trying to be harsh but she obviously has NO respect for you and

she probably finds you annoying...even worndering WHY you can't move on??

 

I am sorry, but I would feel this way....

 

She is probably rude because she doesn't know how to come out and say "STOP CALLING ME!!" She's hoping you'll just get the hint....

 

So my advice is to take the hint. Stop calling.

[PrincessLinzay]

Unfortunately I have to agree with the other posters.

 

She is your ex girlfriend who has a boyfriend. She is not calling you.

 

Stop calling her and move forward. She obviously has.

[Rickster]

Ive done my fair bit of NC. Had enough of it. I enjoy talking to her as a friend. And now I would like to be friends. After the breakup she offered to be friends but I couldn't accept such thing at that time (was depressed and couldn't think properly, don't want myself to be reminded of it). But now I really do want to be her friend. I think that by losing a friend I'll be the one losing out in the end. She's a great friend. Not to sure about now. I see your points. Fair enough. She used to text me and call me by that was rare. Now she's totally stopped. Im the one who initiate contact first at the moment. Luckily she responds. I can't see why ex's can be friends? Is there some kind of rule saying that ex's can't be friends? I think thats really absurb. I can understand that she may not want to talk with me for the reason of protecting her bf's interest. I'm really loyal myself, and I don't think I'll ever steal her away from her bf (unfortunately I've never told her this, if she could remember my personality in the past them maybe she would still know). I fully understand that, and hence Ive noted it down on this forums. And maybe she might not know that I just want to have her as a friend, and she might have this feeling that Im still after her.

 

And for that person who asked me why we broke up and how long ago. Well 10 months ago. She broke up with me cause I went for further education abroad and she felt lonely by herself and later she broke up and she had someone there with her to take that lonliness away from her. And I wasn't there for her at the time. So I became paranoid and suicidal (which is probably why she's scared of me and a lot of people hate me because of this and I'm sad that I actually done something like this to myself, and it's totally my fault, so I'm sorry to those people who cared about me but I couldn't help it, because of the pain and the suffering I was going through). And so now Im back in my country and given up studying abroad. Im currently studying in my homeland. Very long story cut short and I don't want to talk about it I'm over that phase.

 

I was thinking of telling her calmly that I talk to her because I just want to be friends, and I'm not talking to her just so that her bf gets jealous, and just so that I'm trying to get back with her. And that I feel we shouldn't stop being friends even though what has happened in the past and I couldn't think properly about what I was doing and it just wasn't me back then. And Im sorry for what I've done in the past. And I know she's got a bf, and I would never do anything to hurt her and her bf. And maybe this might clear the things between us, because we never got the time nor the courage to talk about it before. And it all seems like as if we that part in time never happened when it was monumental. I know she's not my gf, I've accepted that, and that's why I can't say much, or else, she'll be thinking why I'm controlling her. I have no right what so ever. I guess I've sacrifaced alot, my future and my present.

 

I do get this confusion sometimes. Cause the other time I told her that I went out (not date) with her used to be best friend and one of my other friends both from school. And she got angry that I didn't invite her. And there was another time when she was at home, I'm guessing she was bored and lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Cause she started talking to me and asking me all sorts of questions and talking more than me, and there was this point when I was about to say I'm abit busy, but she continued talking about things. That day we must have talked for 20 to 30 minutes until I ended the conversation. I've no idea what hapened that day. Was weird.

 

Thanx for listening

[annie24]

I personally don't like to be friends with my exes, because it messes with my head too much. And I agree, I wouldn't want to disrespect or make my boyfriend uncomfortable by having a close relationship with any of my exes. It's one thing if I work with an ex and have to maintain civil contact with him, but otherwise, if I can avoid my exes, I do.

 

I notice that you posted your topic in the "Getting Back Together" forum. However, it seems clear that she has moved on.

 

By your own admission, she rarely calls and texts you, so if this is a friendship, it is EXTREMELY one sided.

 

I think you should just leave her be. She knows your number. If she wants to get in contact with you, she will. I think you should focus on moving on now.

[Rickster]

Well, I posted stuff here before and I feel more connected to this forums than the other ones. If there was a chance given to me to get her back, hell yeah I would take it, you would, anyone would. To be honest, I'm lonely. And I have a small circle of friends. And if you can imagine that, then you can imagine how small my group of close friends are. Personally, I don't like big groups of friends, I enjoy having a small group of close friends. But after school and after me going away, everyone has seem to have forgotten about friendship and all my friends have gone their own ways and have their new friends. But me Im just stuck in a hole, cause I don't have any close friends in college (I can't see anyone of my small group of friends in college being close to me). And if you were going to tell me to get a new gf, I would never do such a thing. I made a promise to her and I will not break it. I will not make her think and feel that my love for her before was fake. That is how loyal Iam.

 

After this breakup Ive become really lost, Ive lost alot of my personality and character. It shows towards my parents, and I rarely respect them now. Ive really taken this breakup really badly. Currently, I don't know what I want to do next; no future plans. Im leaving the future to be decided when the time comes. I don't know where to move to and I don't know what I want.

[PrincessLinzay]

I can certainly understand the pain and lonliness that you're experiencing. Breakups are hard...period.

 

The thing is, a one-sided, imaginary friendship with an ex is no friendship at all. You say she's a great friend, and she may very well be, but not to you.

 

People give unspoken messages all the time. By not calling you and and acting annoyed when you contact her, she is telling you that she is not interested in maintaining a friendship. Hurtful, I know, but unfortunately, we can't make anyone be our friend.

 

Also, despite what you're saying, there is an underlying desire to win her back. You aren't going to be able to move on so long as you're continuing to contact her. Not getting the response you want is just going to make things more difficult and painful in the end.

 

Spend some time getting back to what's really important, yourself.

 

I know it hurts, and I promise you that no one on the boards wants to see you miserable. But we see things from an outsiders prospective and as such, see that this is not a real friendship.

 

Hang in there.

[Rickster]

I have already figured out through experience that expectations make me feel bad when they don't get want they expected, and hence I don't try hard to be her friend nor to get her back. It's not like I'm longing to hear her voice. I want to talk to someone like her (well maybe that same person before I met her). And I don't want to tell people that all I did for the weekend was watch tv, and do some work. I know getting her back is almost impossible, and if Im ever going to get her back I must first start with being friends. Even if I don't get her back, fair enough, but I would like to be her friend. I think that calling her and not calling her is not going to make me move on. Because at this moment, I have nothing planned in mind, honestly speaking, I don't know what I want. Im just taking on everyday as it comes. Im over the phase that I cry about her and miss her alot and having this strong desire to win her back. I know this is just going to take me further apart from being friends with her. As I was saying, if there was a chance given to me to be back with her, then why not. Why waste a perfect opportunity? But theres no such thing as luck in the world.

 

I don't hurt because she isn't treating me like how she used to. I hurt because she doesn't talk to me with much respect. As I said Im over that. I just want to be on talking terms with her. Can you give me some examples that is really important to myself? As I really can't think of anything that I want.

 

Thanx PrincessLinzay

[Lady Bugg]

Rick,

 

You talking to and trying to "be friends" with your ex, is exacty WHY your ex is NOT talking to you with respect. I know that sounds mean, but it is probably the truth. She broke up with you, is with someone else, and you

are STILL not over her, and still talking to her under the guise of being her "friend. She's NOT stupid. She, at best, PROBABLY feels sorry for you right now.

A "friend" or someone who WANTS to talk to you will NOT be disrespectful, sorry. Do you think she speaks to her current b/f like that??

 

WHY would she find it "disresepctful" if you found another girlfriend??? That is crazy...she is probably WISHING you would, so you would stop calling her!!

How do you not see this??

[PrincessLinzay]

I've found through experience, that the happier I am with myself and my circumstances, the more people want to be around me. I think this is true in most cases. People in general are attracted to positive, happy people.

 

There is a healthy amount of selfishness that everyone has to posess. You have to be willing to put yourself first sometimes. This involves discovering what it is that makes you happy in the first place.

 

For me, I am one of those people who gets great pleasure out of little things. I love to read, so buying a new book and curling up with it makes me happy. Watching a good movie with a friend or chit chatting over coffee makes me happy. Is it going to solve my financial problems or tell me what I want out of life? No. But it keeps me from dwelling on the negative aspects of my life.

 

I can't say what it is that would make you happy, but I'm sure there are some small things that you take pleasure in. Start with that, and then build your way up. The happier you are with yourself, the less it will matter to you the way other people behave.

 

When you're unhappy with yourself, everything else sucks too. I know it sounds hollow to say, "go do things for yourself", but it really is true. Things start to fall into place and you stop dwelling on things that aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.

 

 

[lillady898]

She broke up with you. You'r loyalty no longer belongs to her... She already broke that agreement.

 

Think about your situation. Are you really planning on staying single the rest of your life because you've given her undeserved loyalty that she has already decided she doesn't even want?

[annie24]

How long did you two date and why did you break up? How long have you been broken up?

 

there was a chance given to me to get her back, hell yeah I would take it, you would, anyone would.

 

Of the people that have gotten their exes back (and that's only like 3% of people), most did it by NC. I got my ex back. I dropped off the face of the planet for 3 years and he came back, crying and begging for me back. He found my contact info by doing some detective work. In the end, I decided not to take him back.

 

Were there times when I would get lonely? Yes. But ultimately, I know that my exes were never quite right for me. I'd rather wait to meet Mr. Right than spend time with Mr. Good enough for Now.

 

Why did you two break up? If you got together, why would things be different this time around?

[Rickster]

Lady Bugg,

Of course she wouldn't speak to her bf like that. There is a clear line between friends and your partner. I understand that. Would you treat your friend as good as your lover? Of course not. Then theres no difference between both, hence there is no point of calling your boyfriend, your boyfriend. If my ex was still with me she would have done the same to other guys. So what makes me so different? Im not asking her to respect me like a lover, but just as friends.

 

 

PrincessLindzay,

If I could find my future goals and objectives then maybe I would be slightly happy. But even still. I do keep myself occupied a little here and there, play sports, watch abit of tv, college. But it's nothing beter than spending time with someone who can understand you and talk to you when you're lonely, and someone telling you how their day was, and listening to their feelings. Nights, are the hardest to live through. I feel so lonely during those times.

 

 

lillady898,

For me, it's not a matter of she not accepting my loyality, this loyality does not belong to her. It is in myself that I'm humble and loyal. This is not about her, but about me. I don't know what the future has in plan for me. This is very strong in me, and that's why I felt very sad when she broke it off. It was crushing the best of me into crumbs. It hurt my pride.

 

 

annie24,

We dated for 2 years and abit more. I thought I told you why she broke it off and how long ago this was. It was 10 months ago that she broke it off. And I was studying abroad, she felt lonely, and there were friends there for her. And soon she found someone that could be there beside her.

 

 

I went out last night with one of my old friends from school. He was telling me that I shouldn't bottle things up, and I should ask her whether she feels uncomfortable talking to me. And that alot of misunderstandings happen because of not talking and clearing things up. I don't think any of us would know the reason she is doing this. Only she would know. We can give possibilities but we still wouldn't know if it's correct.

I guess you guys are right. I will probably give another 2 weeks or a month of NC. Then her birthday is coming up... Ive got her a present. Just like how I got my other friends from school presents on their brithdays.

[annie24]

I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but I just want to help you move on.

 

What's sad is that you posted in "getting back together" and are trying so hard to get back her friendship when it seems pretty clear that she isn't interested in being friends with you. Being friends takes effort on both sides. Sometimes 50-50, sometimes 30-70, but it doesn't even look like she's giving you 10%.

 

I like what Princess Linzay said, I think you need to go back and find things that make you happy.

 

You can try really hard to make someone your friend, but it doesn't always work that way. There was a girl who lived next door to me that I chatted with in the elevator. She seemed really cool and I thought we could be good friends. (By the way, I'm straight - I just thought that we'd be a good friend match for each other.) She told me to "drop by anytime." So, I tried knocking on her door a few times, and she never answered. I know she was home (Ok, fine, maybe she was busy.) I slipped a christmas card under her door, she never acknowledged it. One day, I saw her and we chatted, and I suggested getting coffee sometime, she said ok, and again, I knocked on her door, and she didn't reply. I was having a dinner party, I knocked on her door to invite her, she didn't answer.

 

Basically, that was me doing all the effort and little or no response from her. Eventually, I gave up, and she moved without even telling me. Oh well. Whatever.

 

Depsite my best intentions, for whatever reason, she didn't have an interest in being my friend.

 

Sometimes, you just have to let things go. I know that your situation is different, because this woman is your ex, and you feel that whatever you shared, that it could at least be a friendship now. But, it seems to me that she has a bf and enough friends in her life, and for whatever reason, isn't needing your friendship.

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Rickster, hun I think it's time for you to move on and find other "friends", that aren't rude to you or make excuses why they cannot talk. You've been posting about this girl for months and it's bordering on obsessive, regardless of WHAT you say your intentions are with her. Let it go hun.

[Rickster]

Ok... after reading what you guys said. Yeah it's true she just might not want to be my friend for whatever reason she might have. But Im not going to give up just yet without atleast asking her what this reason is. I would atleast like to know this. I find it hard to believe people can love someone and then all of a sudden just hate that person. And maybe if she just doesn't want to talk to me, then i guess you're right. I'll move on.