Not completely over my ex?

[JGolds29]

Hello everyone. First I want would like to say thank you for any advice I get; I sincerely appreciate it. My situation is long and complicated, so I apologize for the length of my post. My ex and I were together, on and off, for 4 years. We were high school sweethearts, and we stayed together for the first year of college (we go to schools just minutes away from each other). During the summer between our freshman and sophomore year of school, she broke up with me, citing constant arguments and just general unhappiness with our relationship. I agreed with her that it was right to take a break, but soon after we broke up, I desperately began to miss her. I continually begged her to take me back, but she needed her time and space. During this break-up, which lasted 5 months, she began living the college life, partying and dating a bunch of guys, who all treated her like crap. She joined a sorority, and it seemed that she had moved on with her life. While she was doing these things, I was completely miserable, and I continued to try and win her back. It wasn’t until I decided to move on with my life that she finally began to miss me. I cut off all contact with her (blocking her from AIM, e-mail, not answering phone calls, etc.), and when I stopped pestering her, she realized how much she missed me, and we ended up getting back together. Things between us were great, and we progressed to the point where we talked about getting engaged and married after we both graduated. We still argued once in a while (what couple doesn’t?), but overall things were great between us. She was still able to have fun with her sorority sisters, as we only saw each other once a week, and I never kept her from spending times with her friends or going to parties, etc. I don’t mean to brag, but I feel like I was a great boyfriend, and she often told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. She has had trouble in the past with her family and friends so I was basically the only person there for her when she needed someone; I was also her first love. Like I said, things were great between us. However, after 6 months and completely out of the blue, she decided to end things. It was extremely shocking to me that she would just break up with me, especially since we had just talked about seriously getting engaged the week before and she seemed extremely happy with us as a couple. She never really explained to me why she broke up with me, instead saying that we were arguing a lot (which was not true) and she just wasn’t happy (she showed no signs of being unhappy since we had gotten back together). After spending almost four years of my life with her, and being dumped by her twice, I decided that enough was enough, and I immediately stopped talking to her again. I felt like I had done everything I could to make her happy, and if it wasn’t enough for her then there was nothing more that I could do. I did everything I could to get my life back together (spending tons of time with family and friends, keeping busy, etc.), and eventually I got some semblance of a life back. I was able to look at the future without her in it, and I looked forward to finding someone who I knew would appreciate everything I did. Once in a while my ex would contact me to see how I was doing and we would talk (just short conversation because I didn’t want anything more). I figured that she too was moving on with her life, but it still bothered me that after everything I did for her she didn’t miss me (or at least she didn’t show any signs of missing me). I have talked to my close friends and, even to some of her friends, about this and they all feel that she just needs to continue to live the college life and be single, and when it comes time for her to want a serious relationship again, I will always be what she looks for because I treated her so well. But here is where I come to a problem. Just a few days ago, I found out that she is seriously dating this guy who has had a crush on her for years, even before we got together. While we were together, he constantly asked her to go to dinners and movies but she always declined because she only thought of him as a friend. Since we have been broken up, however, they have spent a lot of time together, and now she says that she has begun to like him. Although they are not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point, because they both want to take it slow, they do seem intent on reaching that stage. Well when I found out about this, I naturally got extremely jealous. It has been 8 months since we broke up, which is certainly a significant amount of time, but when I found out about her and this guy, I started to feel like I did when we first broke up. I thought I was completely over her but now I feel like I want her back. I know it is just the jealousy that is making me feel this way, but there is nothing I can do about it. I now have the feeling that no matter what happens, my ex will always be the one for me. I have made many efforts to move on in the past, but if they haven’t worked, does this mean that my ex IS the right person for me, or am I just holding on to something that is never going to happen? I have once again cut off all contact with my ex in the hopes that I can again move on, but I don’t know what else to do. Any help, advice, insight is greatly appreciated.

[melrich]

since we had just talked about seriously getting engaged the week before

 

So often we see statements like this, "just the week before our break up we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together"

 

What a lot of people I think fail to see is that once you start talking about these things, you start to think about them. And when you start to think about them you start to ask serious questions of yourself, like "Is this what I really want?" etc.

 

Talk of engagement, marriage etc tends to focus the mind and it can have the effect you have experienced, that is, it can make one party consider more carefully whether this is the relationship they want.

 

Just my 2 cents but my guess is that your ex had a long think about how committed she was getting and decided that the answer was too committed. Perhaps at the back of her mind was that she wanted to experience the single life for a while.

 

Unfortunately there is little you can do about her current arrangements but grin and bare it.

[oneboardus]

Hey...JGolds29

I read your whole issue with your ex and I have to say this is a simple case of you being her SURE THING. I think she knows that you aren't going to move on. You are her fall back plan...that's why she calls you when things are "dry" for her. It's selfish but your letting her do it. I know you care for her but your letting her control your life. The more you talk about her to her firends or your friends the more control she has over you. It's good that you blocked her from your email, and phone but you have to cut her out of your conversations. What I mean by that is quit talking about her or listening to her talk about what she's doing. This is makes her feel special and important to you...and you obviously aren't so special to her so if you don't stop she will continue to use you when she needs you. Let it go. Better yourself and don't look for someone...because when the time is right that someone will find you! Have fun...you sound young and your only young once. Hope this helped you...it may not be what you wanted to hear but that's how I see the situation. Try to have a great rest of your week!

[Itsok]

Don't feel bad, and don't feel that you've done something wrong. The truth is, what you're feeling now is normal. Of course you'll feel jealous and upset about this.

 

Just because it seems things are going well for her doesn't mean it's so, and also, just because she has found someone else doesn't mean she didn't value the time you spent together, but the relationship just wasn't meant to be forever.

 

Of course it's hard to see her move on, and it's hard to start questioning things all over again. It will be alright, and you are moving forward as best as you can.

 

There is someone else out there for you, and it will be alright. Keep up your 'no contact' and continue on.

[JGolds29]

melrich, oneboardus, itsok, thank you very much for your advice. It means a whole lot to me to receive your support and encouragement, and I feel that your help is what is going to keep me going in the right direction at the moment. It's extremely painful to have to go through this for a second time, the first being when we initially broke up, especially after I thought I was over her, but with your support and the help of others, I know I can move on. So thank you very much for your kind words, and any more help is appreciated.

[DN]

The fact that you heard she is with this other guy is just the final realisation that your relationship is really over. It will hurt but it will also help you because now you can close that chapter of your life and open a new one. Make a fresh start and go find the real love of your life.

[sukerbut]

i feel you bro..i think meldrich hit it right on the head...my ex was crazy over me..talks of marriage, moving in etc. that was july..as soon as we got back from vacation.(mid august).she started to change..once they start this process..kiss them good bye...i am starting to think that when this happens there is nothing the counter party can do. things get clearer as the the breakup gets longer. i am sitting here killing myself trying to figure out what i did wrong..if i was to clingy or insecure..of course we all are at towards the end of the relationship..the person we love is behaving differently towards..our premitive instict tells us there is something wrong..she no longer calls as much..you see her less...she holds grudges...and i think they start this process because theyrealize "hey i cant be commited like this right now" (in my case she was 22 out of college..i am 30) so they slowl start pullig away .. we go crazy (if you love some one what else are you going to do..i know i tried to hold on for dear life. i am sure even if i played it cool she still woudl of straied. meldrich you are so on the money.

[JGolds29]

Now that I have had a good chance to think everything through, I definitely see what melrich is saying. In relation to what melrich said, another thing which I have thought about concerning my ex is commitment and stability. My ex has never really had any stability in her life with the exception of me. She has had a lot of trouble getting along with her family, as she is somewhat close to her mom, but she has virtually no relationship with her father. Her parents are together, but my ex and her father hardly ever speak. For some reason, he disapproves of her and the choices she has made, so they don't really have a relationship. She also has an up and down relationship with her younger sister. They used to be very close but over the years they have grown apart. Nowadays, they either spend a lot of time together or they don't even speak. The relationship my ex has with her sister mirrors the relationships she has with her friends. What I mean by that is she maintains relationships with her friends for a brief period of time before forgetting all about them. For instance, in the span we were together, she must have shuffled through 4 or 5 "best" friends, and different sets of friends. In contrast, I have had the same best friend and group of close friends since I can remember, and though I meet new people, I always have the same close friends. My ex, on the other hand, hangs out with certain friends for a time then moves on to a new set of friends and so on. I know it is especially frustrating for her friends because they never know how close they are to her and if they will spend time with her again. So, throughout our relationship I was the only person who provided her with some stability and commitment. I don't know if her breaking up with me was a rejection of the stability she is not used to having, but that may very well be part of the reason.

[friscodj]

Hey JGolds29-

 

I read your post and I feel for you man. The first love is usually the toughest to get over...

 

A few thoughts:

 

1) Because you are jealous does not mean she is "the one" for you.

 

2) I've never been the type to interfere with someone else's releationship. This "friend" of hers who was asking her out while you guys were going out is a piece of work. I believe he'll get his at some point...

 

3) She is definitely using you as the "security blanket", whether on purpose or not...

 

4) My advice is cut all ties with her and live life as if she didn't exist...NC all the way...until you truly no longer have feelings about the situation...you said you felt like you did everything you could for her and look forward to finding someone who appreciates you...focus on those points during your recovery...