JGolds29

Now that I have had a good chance to think everything through, I definitely see what melrich is saying. In relation to what melrich said, another thing which I have thought about concerning my ex is commitment and stability. My ex has never really had any stability in her life with the exception of me. She has had a lot of trouble getting along with her family, as she is somewhat close to her mom, but she has virtually no relationship with her father. Her parents are together, but my ex and her father hardly ever speak. For some reason, he disapproves of her and the choices she has made, so they don't really have a relationship. She also has an up and down relationship with her younger sister. They used to be very close but over the years they have grown apart. Nowadays, they either spend a lot of time together or they don't even speak. The relationship my ex has with her sister mirrors the relationships she has with her friends. What I mean by that is she maintains relationships with her friends for a brief period of time before forgetting all about them. For instance, in the span we were together, she must have shuffled through 4 or 5 "best" friends, and different sets of friends. In contrast, I have had the same best friend and group of close friends since I can remember, and though I meet new people, I always have the same close friends. My ex, on the other hand, hangs out with certain friends for a time then moves on to a new set of friends and so on. I know it is especially frustrating for her friends because they never know how close they are to her and if they will spend time with her again. So, throughout our relationship I was the only person who provided her with some stability and commitment. I don't know if her breaking up with me was a rejection of the stability she is not used to having, but that may very well be part of the reason.

melrich, oneboardus, itsok, thank you very much for your advice. It means a whole lot to me to receive your support and encouragement, and I feel that your help is what is going to keep me going in the right direction at the moment. It's extremely painful to have to go through this for a second time, the first being when we initially broke up, especially after I thought I was over her, but with your support and the help of others, I know I can move on. So thank you very much for your kind words, and any more help is appreciated.

Hello everyone. First I want would like to say thank you for any advice I get; I sincerely appreciate it. My situation is long and complicated, so I apologize for the length of my post. My ex and I were together, on and off, for 4 years. We were high school sweethearts, and we stayed together for the first year of college (we go to schools just minutes away from each other). During the summer between our freshman and sophomore year of school, she broke up with me, citing constant arguments and just general unhappiness with our relationship. I agreed with her that it was right to take a break, but soon after we broke up, I desperately began to miss her. I continually begged her to take me back, but she needed her time and space. During this break-up, which lasted 5 months, she began living the college life, partying and dating a bunch of guys, who all treated her like crap. She joined a sorority, and it seemed that she had moved on with her life. While she was doing these things, I was completely miserable, and I continued to try and win her back. It wasn’t until I decided to move on with my life that she finally began to miss me. I cut off all contact with her (blocking her from AIM, e-mail, not answering phone calls, etc.), and when I stopped pestering her, she realized how much she missed me, and we ended up getting back together. Things between us were great, and we progressed to the point where we talked about getting engaged and married after we both graduated. We still argued once in a while (what couple doesn’t?), but overall things were great between us. She was still able to have fun with her sorority sisters, as we only saw each other once a week, and I never kept her from spending times with her friends or going to parties, etc. I don’t mean to brag, but I feel like I was a great boyfriend, and she often told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. She has had trouble in the past with her family and friends so I was basically the only person there for her when she needed someone; I was also her first love. Like I said, things were great between us. However, after 6 months and completely out of the blue, she decided to end things. It was extremely shocking to me that she would just break up with me, especially since we had just talked about seriously getting engaged the week before and she seemed extremely happy with us as a couple. She never really explained to me why she broke up with me, instead saying that we were arguing a lot (which was not true) and she just wasn’t happy (she showed no signs of being unhappy since we had gotten back together). After spending almost four years of my life with her, and being dumped by her twice, I decided that enough was enough, and I immediately stopped talking to her again. I felt like I had done everything I could to make her happy, and if it wasn’t enough for her then there was nothing more that I could do. I did everything I could to get my life back together (spending tons of time with family and friends, keeping busy, etc.), and eventually I got some semblance of a life back. I was able to look at the future without her in it, and I looked forward to finding someone who I knew would appreciate everything I did. Once in a while my ex would contact me to see how I was doing and we would talk (just short conversation because I didn’t want anything more). I figured that she too was moving on with her life, but it still bothered me that after everything I did for her she didn’t miss me (or at least she didn’t show any signs of missing me). I have talked to my close friends and, even to some of her friends, about this and they all feel that she just needs to continue to live the college life and be single, and when it comes time for her to want a serious relationship again, I will always be what she looks for because I treated her so well. But here is where I come to a problem. Just a few days ago, I found out that she is seriously dating this guy who has had a crush on her for years, even before we got together. While we were together, he constantly asked her to go to dinners and movies but she always declined because she only thought of him as a friend. Since we have been broken up, however, they have spent a lot of time together, and now she says that she has begun to like him. Although they are not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point, because they both want to take it slow, they do seem intent on reaching that stage. Well when I found out about this, I naturally got extremely jealous. It has been 8 months since we broke up, which is certainly a significant amount of time, but when I found out about her and this guy, I started to feel like I did when we first broke up. I thought I was completely over her but now I feel like I want her back. I know it is just the jealousy that is making me feel this way, but there is nothing I can do about it. I now have the feeling that no matter what happens, my ex will always be the one for me. I have made many efforts to move on in the past, but if they haven’t worked, does this mean that my ex IS the right person for me, or am I just holding on to something that is never going to happen? I have once again cut off all contact with my ex in the hopes that I can again move on, but I don’t know what else to do. Any help, advice, insight is greatly appreciated.

As if things weren't complicated enough, I talked to her today and told her that I wanted to be friends again. I basically said that I realized I was being selfish by possibly giving up a friendship because of my feelings and that I promised not to let my feelings for her get in the way of our friendship. I told her that I was going to leave it up to her if she wanted to be friends again and to what extent she wanted us to be friends. She told me that she wanted us to be friends all along (after I had told her how I felt), but she thought I was being kind of ridiculous about the whole situation. I told her that I didn't know what to do because things had gotten a little weird and awkward (it seemed like she didn't want to talk to me certain times while other times we had spent hours talking to each other and getting to know each other) even before I told her how I felt, but that I really wanted things to go back the way they were before I let her know how I felt (with us just talking, joking around, getting to know each other). She told me that was fine. I really don't know though because I don't see how things will go back to normal especially since we haven't had a normal conversation the past few times we have talked. She just seems like she doesn't want to talk to me, at least not very much, anymore, and I am wondering if this has to do with the guy she is involved with or some other factor. I just don't know what to do.

atraceofblood, after reading your post I have had a change of heart, and I thank you very much for your reply. I think I have realized that it has been pretty selfish and stupid of me to risk losing what could become a great friendship because of my feelings for her. I do think it will be hard at first to be friends again, especially if we discuss relationships and stuff along those lines, but I need to suck it up and be there for her as a friend. I'm not going to lie and say that I have given up hope that we might end up together, but that is not my motive for wanting to be friends with her again. I really do think she is a wonderful person, and I feel a whole lot better with her in my life, even if it has to be as a friend. So I am going to try and regain her trust and friendship, and I hope we can continue to build on the relationship we had.

smilie, I think that is a very good point. However, I have only known her for a short time so I don't know if my feelings for her are that strong. There was definitely an initial attraction for her on my part based on her physical appearance, and once I got to know her, those feelings intensified. I am not in love with her or anything like that because, like I said, I have only known her for a short time, but I definitely do care about her and think she is an unbelievable person. With all of that being said, I do not know how long it will take me to move on and get over her, and I am taking the risk that I could lose her friendship in the long run. But I think that if we remain friends while I still feel strongly about her, I will harbor some jealously because I can't be with her, and I wouldn't want that to affect the friendship we have/had. I think if these feelings go away (which is certain to happen sometime if we don't talk) then it will be much easier to remain friends and build on the relationship we had before. Lastly, I asked her if she wants to be friends once my feelings die down, and she said that she definitely does. So I hope when I can move on that we can still be friends.

For those of you who have respnnded, thank you for your advice. After sleeping on my decision to not talk to her for the time being, I really believe that no contact is the best way to go about this. I think if we continue to talk and remain friends while I have feelings for her then I will only get jealous and upset, and I really don't need that in my life right now. Above everything else (my attraction and feelings for her included), I really think she is a great person and I hope that when my feelings cool down we can work on being friends again. It is tough though because I believe that she does care about me as a person and she wants us to at the very least remain friends. And of course, there is always the thought that things may not work out with the guy she is involved with, which would make me hopeful. But I have to fight those thoughts and just focus on moving on right now. If anyone has any other advice, encouragement, similar stories/experiences, etc., it is greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

Hello everyone. First I want to apologize for the length of this post, and I want to say thank you in advance for any help or advice I get; I sincerely appreciate it. Here is my situation: I am currently in college, and for the majority of this semester I have been extremely busy with work. I haven't had much time to think about dating, let alone getting involved in a relationship. That is until I met a beautiful young woman in one of my classes. We recently started talking and we hit it off right away. In the span of about 3 weeks, we talked pretty much every day, and some of our conversations got really deep. We discussed past personal issues that were quite serious and we also discussed past relationships. It turns out that she has never experienced love, and many of the guys she has had relationships with have treated her poorly. As a result, she has had some self-esteem issues and other personal problems. So basically she has really opened up to me about some personal things, and she feels like she can really trust me (She said she could pretty much trust me from the beginning and that was weird to her because she has trouble trusting guys). She has also been quick to point out that we have a lot of things in common (except for the fact that she is really outgoing, flirtatious, and a partier while I am not so much of any of those things), and we have really enjoyed getting to know each other. She has even said several times that we should hang out, and she was excited about the opportunity to become close with me and to get to know me better. With all of these things being said, I figured that she might be interested in me as more than a friend. However, things changed just a few days ago. We didn't talk for a few days, and after those days of not talking, when we did talk it was awkward. She seemed disinterested in talking to me, and as a result, I asked her about this. She said that things were fine with her, but I didn't really believe it. Not knowing what else to do, I told her that I had feelings for her. She told me that she was very flattered by that, but unfortunately, she has recently (within the last few days) become involved with someone. Her exact words were along the lines of "I wish you would have brought this up sooner because I am kind of involved right now. I plan on settling down and dating one person in the very near future." Unfortunately, that person is not me. She did, however, say that she thinks I am a really cute and great guy, and she would consider dating me if she didn't have someone else right now. I was pretty crushed by this, and all I could say was that I thought it was best if we stopped talking for the immediate future because being friends would be too hard for me. She said that she was sorry to hear that, but I need to do what I have to. I wrote her a nice e-mail telling her that I really think she is a great girl and I care about her as a person, and although it's hard for me to talk to her and be friends with her right now, when my feelings for her do die down, I really want us to be friends again and continue the relationship that we had building. As much as I want to date her and am crushed that I do not have the opportunity to do so right now, I do want us to remain friends when I don't feel so strongly about her. I have already told her that it's too hard for me for us to talk right now so I can't really go back on that so I figure I will wait until my feelings for her die down or go away. Does any think this is the right thing to do (stop talking for the immediate future), or should I continue to talk to her, which would probably be less (in terms of time and content) than before because she is now interested in someone else, and be there for her as a friend? Thanks again, and any help, advice, or similar situations is greatly appreciated.