What do i do

[mlchildr]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. we were apart for a year and that got back together. We have always talked about getting married and having children. He loves children and really wants to have them. I want to have them but I want to get married first. We are both 28 so it's not like we don't have time. Last night he dropped a bomb on me and told me that he would not get engaged to me unless I got pregnant first. It just makes me feel like that he really doesn't love me but just wants a child from me. He has been married before but I haven't. I want to get married buy a house together travel a little and then start having children. It saddens me that he would give me a stipulation in order to get engaged. What happened to getting engaged because you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life together. Any thoughts would be helpful.

[NJRon]

I think that what he is proposing is really bad. It strikes me as selfish and, if I were a female in your position, I would imagine I would feel the same. If you don't want to have children until you get married, then that's the way it should be for you. I don't understand someone who can supposedly commit to the huige responsibility of choosing to have children, yet not to the mother that will bear them.

 

Go with your gut on this one.

[starfish]

mlchildr,

 

I was in a similar position with my ex. He would keep talking about kids, but would never talk about marriage. For me it seems natural that marriage should come first and like you said, you need some time together before you have kids. He didn't feel that way though. Every conversation we had would revolve around kids, and I even brought it up a couple of times, saying that I thought it was weird. Finally, I cracked and told him to stop talking about kids because he was freaking me out. So he said, well then you should stop talking about marriage. weird huh? Anyways, he stopped talking about kids and two months later we split up (for several reasons). But he made it a point to tell me that the day I asked him to stop talking about kids had marked the end of our relationship. This is a load of crap because he knows that I wanted kids, but I wanted to do it the right way. Like NJRon says, he was nothing but a selfish, self-centered * * * * *.

In your situation, what guarantee is there that this man will be around for you after you get pregnant? He is acting rather immature if you ask me. Don't give in to anything. Having a child is a huge responsibility and I am not so sure that he understands that.

[RayKay]

My first reaction to this is NO NO NO!

 

While SOME people are fine having children with long term partners (not spouses/fiancees), and sometimes accidents DO happen, if you do NOT feel okay about it, there is no way you should go along with it.

 

It almost sounds to me like he is either putting the stipulation on knowing you won't go for it (so he gets out of marriage), to "keep you" or to not have to truly commit. I am astounded by how many pregnant women find their partners suddenly deciding they did not want all of this...and leaving..

 

I also wonder what his views on marriage are...if it's ONLY because of children coming along....I agree it should be as you love one another and want to build a life together, and bring children into that loving union when you are ready.

 

Pregnancy is stressful without the added stress of wondering if he is going to propose or actually get married or not. I would be concerned he SAYS this, but then once you are, you will find he won't propose at all. But you will be "tied" to him with a child.

 

Children are a HUGE responsibility in themself, and you should wait until you are in a stable, balanced, healthy relationship. If it is important to you to be married first, spend time with your partner first (I feel the same way, so I know what you mean about wanting couple time first and being married a bit first!) do not compromise.

 

I am really perplexed even at his suggestion...WHY that would be the case.

 

Have you talked to him since he brought this up about how you feel about that, and what you want?

 

You need to sort these things out NOW.

 

PS....make sure your birth control pills don't suddenly taste like Tic Tacs....

[may55]

Yeah my ex (we also we together 5+ years) did the same to me. We would argue all the time about children and when I was going to get pregnant, he wanted kids right there and then and kept pressuring me to go off the pill.... but he would not marry me. Finally we started ring shopping, a month later he panicked and told me he was not sure if he ever loved me after all this time. We went into couples therapy then ended 6 months later. It was horrible.

 

No idea what goes thru men's heads when this happens, but I do know that if he is not into marrying you for you, you are probably not getting the kind of love and respect from him you deserve.

 

Strange thing too, he is now living with his rebound woman (he starting seeing someone during that 6 month interval of couples therapy that I later found out about) and she never wants children. Go figure.

 

Sit your man down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you love him but feel like marriage is the only way to have children if that is what you feel. Good luck!

[Itsok]

Absolutely not. If he isn't willing to marry you first, he isn't worth it. Then he feels he can walk at any moment. Forget it!

 

Tell him that if he loves you he will commit to you then the child will come later. If he won't budge, time to break up and move on I'm sorry to say. That is too big of an issue to sweep under the rug.