She won't talk.

[confusedmale]

Hey everyone, I am in a difficult situation right now. A week before Christmas, my girlfriend of 3 1/2 yrs said she needed space. I took it as "its over" and demanded reasons and her only reason was that she was feeling overwhelmed with life and career. She just finished University and was struggling w/ her career. I wrote two letters trying to get her back but they were filled with such emotion that they confused her more than anything. On Christmas eve we were having a nice phone conversation when I went off saying "Why? Why are we doing this?" and she did not respond very well. Then a few days later I called her and told her that I would be there for her during this time off if she needed and would wait for her. I didn't really get a response except for "Ok." Now its been two weeks and we have not talked. I used to talk to her every night almost. I want her back but at the same time I don't want to violate her space and I am worried someone else may sweep her off her feet. What should I do? Do you think that she was telling me the truth?

 

We had plans to go to a hockey game in the next 2 weeks but I worry that if I call her she may get upset with me. I really want this to work, any suggestions?

[RayKay]

My suggestion is to leave her be.

 

Honestly, she is not going to get sweeped off her feet unless she WANTS to be, and there is nothing you can do to actually prevent that.

 

It is possible she is feeling overwhelmed, but she also made a choice to take you out of the equation, so as much as she says its about career, it's also about the relationship too. There are plenty of people whom are balancing careers, school, family, hobbies...and relationships.

 

I think it was not a great idea to say you would wait around for her.....and her response of "ok" shows me she really does not worry too much about it if you do or don't.

 

I think you need to let her make any contacts.........she has even from what you wrote in the post made it clear that she is going to do her own thing. She knows how you feel about her, she is not going to forget, and trying to contact her to "remind" her of you is likely to only feel like pressure.

 

I honestly believe you should start considering it over. Set a deadline, if in a month you have no idea where things are going and have not heard from her, consider it over. Honestly....unless you two sat down and talked about what this "space" means and that it is temporary, to me it sounds like a cop out. She is either seeing what else is out there, or has lost feelings.

 

People who want a relationship to work will work on it TOGETHER, they will come to you, tell you how they are feeling, offer to go to counselling, look for solutions. They don't tell you "they need space" and disappear.

[ocrob]

It is so hard, but give her space. Do not contact her at all. If she wants you back, then she will contact you. Your situation does not sound over, but you need to give her time. Don't wait around either. If she knows you are sitting around waiting, then she will have no reason to make a decision. It's hard, but you have to move on and get rid of the hope.

[Itsok]

I completely agree with RayKay...leave her be, she needs the space.

 

If she wants to be swept away, she will be. If she doesn't, she won't. It's a sad but true fact.

 

Don't worry, if it's meant to be, it will be.

[heloladies21]

Perfect time for No Contact. In the meantime, keep busy and start talking to other girls. It will take the pressure off the situation and sober you up.

[confusedmale]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Its hard leaving her be, but I have been moving on with my life, however the nights are sometimes difficult. I haven't done anything yet, but friends of ours are telling me to call her b/c she is a shy girl and she was upset with herself over the holidays and thought she had made mistake. They also think it would be good to find out just what is going on b/c everything was left in the air. I was very emotional and didn't really listen when she asked for this break, but she did say she hoped everything would work itself out but couldn't give me definite time frame.

 

Now, I have written a letter that discusses us and more importantly my behaviour the last couple of months, but has no mention of "I love you" in the letter and no pressure points to get in contact with me. Should I send this letter? and do I really have to wait for her or can I give her a call sometime and keep the conversation short and sweet no relationship talk, I will let her bring that stuff up. Because we were good friends before this relationship, I almost feel like I lost a big part of my life.

 

Help pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.

[Cecelius]

No. I would leave it completely alone.

 

1) You will not have any significant healing until you can just leave it alone (closure is for movies, in my opinion).

 

2) At the risk of being sexist, when a woman backs off this much, it is over and she is just trying to be nice to you while you figure out that it's over.

 

3) If you are still having emotion-laden correspondence with her this far after the bombshell, at some point in the future, you will feel dopey for having gone out on a limb, which will make you either less confident or will make you dislike her.

 

Just let it be and work on yourself. You deserve it.

[lipsavvy]

I agree with Cecelius. I have just had this happen to me, not quite so extreme, but I definitely know how you feel about not having your SO again after such a long time of constantly being together. My SO still lives with me in my one bedroom and I suggested maybe I should move out and get a studio for the time he needed it. He didn't like that idea. I think you just have to wait it out for her to tell you what she needs and you can work on yourself. Then in the end if she says she can no longer be with you, or whether she will want to be with you forever, you'll be prepared on both fronts. At least you're making steps in that direction.

[Toolate]

I will say this. The Heart, The Heart if only we could control that part of us when your heart take's over. I will make this as clear as possible. "do not call her" Do not write her, leave her alone and if and when she does call you best bet is to keep the discussion shot but sweet. Move on with your life, get a life. Stop make her your life. Live life and above all LOVE YOUSELF FIRST.

[patience]

I'd be confused too!

 

Could you stop initiating contact for at least a week or two, then call her and ask to talk? After investing over three years, I'd say she should be able to at least meet you for coffee and have a talk with you.

 

In the meantime, take a good look at your role(s), and choices in this relationship. Are there areas where you could improve? Are you compatible in ways that you cannot change?

 

Is it possible that she met someone else?

[confusedmale]

hey everyone, thanks for the advice, she called me the other night to let me know that we were indeed broken up. i asked if we could meet or talk for some kind of closure I felt she owed me that much but she said "I don't think that is the best thing right now." I said ok and didn't push the issue. Later that night I was on MSN I just messaged her to say hi. We chat a bit and then she asks me "What's going on in your head?" I really didn't want to do this over MSN but I figured that was my only way to get closure. So the conversation went something like this...

 

Blue is me, red is her

 

in my head, i knew it was over the moment you said u needed space, but my friends told me to keep the faith and everything would be back to normal

 

i worry being friends is not the answer.

 

what do u mean by answer? u want me out of your life completely? forever?

 

that's not what i wrote.

 

i know...but can u please talk to me..we use to tell each other everything...not hold anything back i thought

 

but i feel this would hurt both of us......... this isn't a great time to do this don't you think?

 

That is how it ended...now can anyone tell me what you think she is talking about with the "being friends is not the answer" and sure this could hurt both of us but this break is already hurting both of us so why not get all the pain out there in the open?

[RayKay]

I think she may mean "being friends" is not right, because she feels you are hoping for more to happen from that friendship then she is prepared to give.

 

I think she is saying that "being friends" is not enough space for her.

[patience]

she is not being clear at all

 

she is choosing not to be completely honest with you, and that must hurt you a great deal

 

it sounds like she is protecting herself...why would talking to you hurt you? I don't get it either.

[confusedmale]

Do you think there is any way for me to get answers/closure? The friends thing I am more upset about because, she out right told me "Let's stay friends because she still cared about me and didn't want me out of her life." Now, Ill let you guys in on something I found interesting.

 

On the night of her bday, end of Nov, she told me she wasn't feeling well. I took her home and she invited me in. I was there for 15 mins when she said, she was really tired so I said I would go and for her to get some rest. We also said we would do something the next day maybe. I call her at around 10:30am and she says she made plans w/ a friend of hers who is a guy. I am not really the jealous type, especially after 3 1/2 yrs of knowing there relationship. I trust my girl and thats all that matters. However, that day she asks me, if I am mad? I said "No. Should I be?" She said "No."

 

Now, 2 weeks later, she tells me about a patient of hers who is trying to see her more and wondering if she could make house calls. I was concerned and asked "What did your boss say?" and she told me that she was not taking him as a patient anymore. Perfect answer in my head, I was concerned, but at the same time what am I going to do? So I left it alone.

 

Now, another two weeks later...notice a pattern...she goes away w/ her work, up north for a christmas party. I had to stay b/c I worked. Now she went with a bunch of older people b/c she is relatively young at her work. Most of them are married and have children. Anyway, she called me that night and asked how my day was at work and I asked if she was having a fun night at the party. She said I love you over the phone and I told her I loved her to and would see her the next night after work.

 

The next evening I went to her house, and she told me that a guy from her work asked to make out with her. Now my initial reaction was, What happened? She said "Nothing." I said "Ok." and then told her not to worry about it, because I thought she was more concerned about being uncomfortable at work. So I tried changing the subject to take her mind off it.

 

Now, a week later is when she broke up with me. She was definitely upset with my reaction b/c she said I didn't even acknowledge it. Which was a lie, and a week later when I brought it up, she changed her story from, "We were drunk. to "He only drinks coffee and coke." I recently wrote a letter, saying how those things made me jealous and upset however I felt if I got upset with her it would do no good, I am angry at these men not her, I trust her.

 

Is this abnormal behavior and should I even be trying any more to make this work? I mean, she knows the truth...says the truth will hurt us both...but the truth would set me free. Is there anyway I may find the truth? and do you guys think I am right that she was just looking for more attention from me and that all these were lies? In her own kinda messed up way?

 

If you have any suggestions on how I should approach this let me know. My other thought is that, if she knows the truth and its eating away at her, if I make no contact, eventually and im talkin months here, she might tell me the truth, when she thinks I am calm or something?

 

Thanks

[patience]

I really feel for you.

 

It is painful to not have the whole story, especially when one's instincts are screaming that something is up.

 

I don't think I would be her "friend" because she is not acting like a friend. A friend would come clean, tell you the whole story, so that you could choose whether or not to continue relating with her based on the truth!

 

If you stop initiating all contact, she may contact you, she may come clean. It is impossible to know. I think she is acting like a coward. She knows she is not being honest with you. She is choosing to keep the truth from you right now. Does she generally have a hard time opening up?

 

If she contacts you, you could tell her that you cannot be friends with her until she tells you everything. That might work.

 

If you live in a small community, you'll eventually see the truth with your own eyes. Try to prepare yourself for the worst.

 

It is probably best for you to do no contact so that you can heal. You deserve someone who is honest with you, even when she feels afraid to open up. Don't settle for friendship with a person who misleads you.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

[patience]

she told me that a guy from her work asked to make out with her

 

Have you ever asked a girl to make out with you? That sounds weird. Maybe he put the moves on her, and she expected some jealous reaction from you. If you're not a possessive person, why would you react with jealously? That seems odd to me.

 

How old is she?

[confusedmale]

She is 23 and I am 24. Thats it, im not a possesive person and never have been. I place a lot of trust in someone, espescially after a few yrs together. So I never worried of her cheating. Well, maybe the guy did put the moves on her, I dunno. I highly doubt it because, her work, they have all met me. She works at a clinic w/ like 5 other people, I have gone by there before they were very friendly with me and my girl apparently talked about me all the time. So as you can see, I am lost, confused and you are right, I can't be friends w/ her, even if it is months down the road unless I get the truth.

 

Normally she is open with me, or so I thought. I honestly don't know who this girl is anymore. She is going through a depression and is on medication perhaps those are factors, I don't know.

[patience]

Is the depression a recent development?

Yes, that very well could be affecting her choices to some extent.

She may feel like she doesn't know who she is right now...that can happen with depression.

[confusedmale]

Well, her depression came about after a car accident she was in. It was four months into her new career. She was stressed, tired and trying to do too much. She calls me up one day in tears and asked if she could come over. When she arrived the front of her car was all smashed in. Now, I was more concerned about her, she was more concerned about the car and most of all, telling her parents. Her parents are great people, however she tells me she has an awful relationship w/ them and that they blame her for everything. Anyway, about a month later she tells me she started seeing a therapist to deal w/ depression. My initial reaction, was "What did I do?" and the reason being, is my sister is struggling with depression as well and on the "bad" days, a lot of it comes back to me being the youngest and spoiled. So I am a person who feels extremely guilty for my sisters depression.

 

A few months passed and everything was getting better, however her therapist told her to confront her parents and tell them how she felt. I don't think she ever did. Now at the beginning of December she told me how the therapist was making her feel uncomfortable and that she didn't want to go anymore. Now, me not understanding totally, told her she could maybe see her once every two or three weeks instead of every week. Then she forgot to fill her prescription for a medication she was taking to help cope. She was sick after being off the medication just two days. Then her work told her she doesn't need the medication and should get off it right away. That's what led to the unfortunate circumstance I am in right now. Now, my sister feels my girl wasn't thinking properly and what not and even though now it has been confirmed, that she is still not herself and may not be for awhile but could possibly see her getting in contact with me months down the road.

 

It just seemed to snowball, one week at a time.

 

My position right now is more concern for her to get better and not be afraid to talk to me or confront me on anything. I was thinking of talking with her parents, and let them know all about her depression b/c they could possibly not know. I worry they will tell her I wanted to see them.

[patience]

She is an adult, so it is her choice to tell her parents. I don't think you should tell her parents her private information.

 

It sounds like she has a lot to sort through. She has to work on her issues, and it is her responsibility to seek the help and support she needs.

 

She chose to break up with you. As much as it hurts, you have to honour her choice. She probably cannot deal with a relationship right now.

 

When she contacts you, listen to what she has to say. She may open up if she feels safe with you.

 

I don't suggest 'waiting' for her to come back though. This is of course up to you. It is very challenging to have a relationship with someone who is depressed. She can hardly be there for herself, let alone someone else.

 

If she decides she wants to try again, you may want to suggest couples counselling to her.

 

Make sure to surround yourself with love and support right now. You need your own support network to get through this. Obviously you truly care for this woman. You could say some prayers for her and send good thoughts her way every day if you want to.

[confusedmale]

Yeah I guess you are right. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions. I just worry she may do something crazy (ie: commit suicide)

 

Its funny, you mentioned the same words she said to me..."I can't handle a relationship right now. I need to take care of me. There are too many things going on.I can't give you the time and attention you deserve."

 

I actually blame myself in a way, I played this song for her that I thought she might like. It was a soft song with a nice beat but the words were heavy. I only realized this after my buddy told me this may have been a factor. The lyrics went like this...

 

"I don't think you understand that what your doing is not so cool. You think its funny to mess with my mind don't you?! You just taste me, you get just enough to hang on and on. Are you just wasting my time?"

 

EEEEEESH...me typing that makes me realize it even more.

 

However, what this really comes down to is, Does she love me? Will she approach me when she is ready? or will she conceal her emotions b/c she knows she hurt me and probably thinks my family and friends hate her now for what she has put me through?

 

Thats really what I want her to know, I mean i have been meeting new woman, nothing serious, but I have been moving on, but I want her to know she can be honest with me and that most of my friends see us together anyway, just a matter of time.

 

I guess, in life, if things are meant to be, will be.

[patience]

Stop blaming yourself! You are NOT responsible for her thoughts, feelings, or psychological well-being...she is! There is nothing you can say or do to "make" her want you back. It's not your fault that she is depressed. She has a mental illness, you didn't cause this to happen to her. Were you abusive to her? If not, then you didn't contribute to her depression. (A person who is being abused may develop low self-esteen and depression, amongst other problems)

 

Some people really don't have what it takes to have a good relationship. Try to take her words at face value, and don't read into them. When people are ready for a relationship, and when they WANT a relationship, this shows in their words and in their actions. Her words and actions are screaming to you, "I'm not ready for this! I don't want this!"

 

She may love you, but still not want to be in a relationship. It happens. It hurts, I know, but just the same, that is how it goes sometimes.

 

If you really do want to keep the door open to her, (think about it first and make sure of this though) you could send her an email saying "anytime you want to talk, I'm here" or something like that.

 

Good for you for meeting new women.

 

If she ever contacts you and is talking about killing herself, call 911. I'm serious. Don't call her parents or her friends, call 911. They are trained to know what to do. Don't take suicide threats lightly. I hope she is not that bad off.

 

Hey, I'm going through something similar...he says he is not ready. I know the pain, confusion, frustration you are experiencing. I am not at the point where I am out there meeting new guys yet, I'm still trying to figure out if I am willing to 'wait'. Some days I want to wait, other days I think f**k it! What I'm saying to you is, I "get it". He and I are still talking though, so it is different in that regard...but he has relocated to 'find himself'...blah, blah, blah. I heard pretty much the same words you heard.

[patience]

...why can't they just say they don't want to be in a relationship? How hard would that frigging be, you know?

[confusedmale]

You are so right. Honestly, if she had said "Look, I think I need some time for myself. I still care about you but for the time being I think we should be apart."

 

Thats honestly all I am looking for, is some sort of reassurance or time frame. I mean, I would be prepared to wait, but at the same time, how do I know she will?

 

I mean, friends and family have told me this is normal behavior, the split for a period of time. I know some people who have been apart for 6 mths, and get back together. I mean you never know.

 

Just frustrating as all because I really wanted to marry this girl. When I flirt with women I feel good, then once the moment is over, I feel guilty. Like I am cheating or ruining a good thing.

 

As much as people say I didn't do anything wrong and to stop blaming myself, why is it that all I can think of are things that I did to push her over the edge?

[OceanEyes]

As much as people say I didn't do anything wrong and to stop blaming myself, why is it that all I can think of are things that I did to push her over the edge?

 

Human nature.

 

Honestly cm, judging by how your ex is behaving, I think it would be in your best interests to focus all of your energy into moving forward with your life. I've read through your post, and one thing has been prevalent -- she cares for you and your well-being, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I'm so sorry if that seems harsh, but from what you've said here, I really believe that's the case.