Need for idependance???

[SALLY_ANNE]

I am in a strange query with myself at the moment. I have been goign out with a great guy for almost 8 months now. I love him dearly and he hasn't done anything truly wrong by me as yet. I want to spend every spare moment with him that I can and thereforeeee find myself not annoyed but not totally happy and comfortable when he organises to do things with other people that takes time away from us. I know that we need time to ourselves and time with our friends but I just don't seem to be as happy spending time away from him as he does me. (we are with each other a lot and sometimes I feel that I am perhaps crowdign him but he never says so). I want ot be as happy as he is about spending time apart. how do I do this? do I need to spend some time away alone and reasert my independence? as it stands at the moment i tend to see him spending time with other people as not wanting to spend time with me. i fear that if these feelings of mine continue that it will be detrimental to the good relationship that we could have. where do i go from here?

[Mrocza]

I think you should just go for it. Like you said, you need to gain that independance. As much as you love each other, it's not healthy to be with each other ALL the time, no matter how tempting it is.

 

Trust me, my boyfriend and I are known for that lately and we're trying to find our our footing.

It's hard because I feel like I have so much of a better time WITH him.

 

Start going out with your friends and doing things you enjoy doing, for YOU. You have to be yourself too when you're a "pair". I find that hardest now as well...

 

Good luck though

[DN]

Join some sort of group that has an interest for you (community theatre springs to mind for some reason!!). Anything that will mean you have an interesting challenge and where you meet new people.

 

Don't say you can't find something interesting - just try it.

[SALLY_ANNE]

Yep all sounds good and along the lines of what I was already thinking. So all i have to do now is find this hobby. not sure theatre group is the way to go. Not a big fan of plays and things...thats my sisters deal. might try andget into sport again or something. the only problem there is im trying to save money and to play sport here is expensive. so any suggestions for a relatively low-cost hobby????

[DN]

What are your interests?

[RayKay]

Yep all sounds good and along the lines of what I was already thinking. So all i have to do now is find this hobby. not sure theatre group is the way to go. Not a big fan of plays and things...thats my sisters deal. might try andget into sport again or something. the only problem there is im trying to save money and to play sport here is expensive. so any suggestions for a relatively low-cost hobby????

Running is pretty cheap...new shoes every 400 miles, and an intital cost for clothing to run in, but other then that, not that bad in terms of cost.

 

As you get more into it, you could do fun runs/charity runs/marathons, but for now, cost can be minimal. Join a running club even if you want it to be more social.

 

You can also look around for climbing groups, can also be relatively cheap to start up, or other local interclub groups - volleyball etc, there are lots of "beer leagues" that are relatively cheap to join.

[SALLY_ANNE]

interests are quite extensive- I love all outdoor stuff i.e. rockclimbing, running, canoeing, white-water rafting, hiking, as well as eating, watching movies, reading, sky diving, bungy jumping heaps of stuff.

 

Might check out rockclimbing in the area or one of the suggestions that actually has me going somewhere or meeting up with people thereforeeee more inclined to go than say if i was just running on my own. Thanks heaps for the suggestions...hopefully I'll be in a new hobby soon and I won't ruin this good relationship I have going. Thanks again.

[CharLit]

Hi Sally-Anne,

 

Great advice from the others on developing your own activities, and you're also thinking along those lines yourself.

 

I also have a slightly different take on your situation:

I don't know whether this applies to you as well, but just in case: I used to divide my boyfriend's social time into just two categories, "me-time" and "friend-time". I'd get upset if he spent three nights a week with "friends" and four with me. However, I wasn't taking into account that he might be spending tuesday night with friend A, whom he hadn't seen in three weeks, thursday with friend B who he'd last seen two weeks ago, and Sunday with friend C whom he wouldn't be seeing for a while as friend C would be travelling for the next few months.

 

Once I realised he was spending his time away from me with individuals who he saw far, far less of than he did of me, it became far easier for me to accept.

 

And try to think of the benefits of time apart: you'll get to miss each other which will make seeing each other all the better, and you'll have far more to talk about when you do see each other!

[DN]

Excellent advice!! It is amazing how a little thought can put things in perspective.