Dating again, but having bad luck (long)

[Tiger206]

[hosswhispra]

What is a non-HWP? I am curious to know.

[hosswhispra]

eureka--height and weight proportionate?? The dating scene is never easy for any one at any age. Sometimes, the harder one tries--the more elusive something is. It happens when you least expect it. Have you asked any of your friends if they know any one available? This is one way people meet each other. Do you belong to a church or are you a member of another religious affiliation? Sometimes people meet in the grocery store, too. Hang in there and persevere.

 

hosswhispra

[Andy223]

okay... so what if you dont look amazing, what if you didnt have the same body you had in you're early 20s... this doesnt matter.

 

looks are what get women interested in you initially, but when it comes down to it... looks dont matter all that much to women at all.

 

if you convey a strong confidence in yourself when talking to women, you will get all the respect you need, and respect is the cornerstone to any relationship, without it a women cant be attracted to you.

 

if you are constantly worrying about what she thinks of you on a date, then you will intuitivly give off negative feelings. I dont say this to make you paranoid. A clever way around this, is to judge the girl you are on the date with (does she meet up to you're expectations of what YOU want) If you make every date like this, you will give off extreme confidence.

 

to me, you are describing yourself in a very negative way, women are going to pick up on that

 

if you go out and meet women and it doesnt work the first few times, thats life. The secret to success is failing and learning from the mistakes. The more you fail, the more you learn, the more you will put right and the easier it will become to achieve what you want to achieve.

[Msnak]

Hey Tiger...Andy223 was right, you're being quite hard on yourself.

 

You have great things about you. As my co-worker said, you are a good enough person that someone has once agreed to marry you--thereforeeee, you have great qualities inside, even if you don't think you do.

 

Of the last five guys I've dated, the two I liked the most were quite unsure of themself at times, but overall great guys. Three were gorgeous, but worthless. (Not that that has anything to do with anything, necessarily.)

 

It's normal to feel like you're not a catch. But you are.

 

I understand you've been burned, hurt, let down, disappointed, led on, etc. But you will be fine if you keep trying.

 

God made us into wonderful beings and we can do all things through Him.

 

Look at your surroundings...are there new places to go? New hobbies to try? Don't be afraid, think of something you've always wanted to do. I know you've probably heard it before, but if you work on yourself, love yourself, find yourself so interesting...others will too.

[Tiger206]

hosswhispra - I think you missed my point (maybe I didn't make it very well). The issue isn't meeting women and getting dates, its having the dates go very well, as in getting a 2nd or 3rd date.

[Tiger206]

Yeah, I had the confidence thing in my 20s, and dating went well. Now I suppose I kinda feel like I have to explain my 2 divorces... even though most women don't really ask. I still 'feel' like I'll have to defend it any minute, and I guess it puts me on edge. I think with all of the women I've dated that havn't been married, in the back of my mind part of me is saying "they don't wan't a divorced dude, they just had nothing better to do tonight". I realize I need to change this thinking (thanks for the reminders), but knowing it and doing it are different. How do I actually do it?

[Andy223]

the only person who can put it right is you. I can tell you loads of stuff about how to do it, the best way to do it etc, but you are going to have to work it out.

 

Picture it like this (knowing how to make a car engine inside out by looking at books doesnt not enable you to make the engine from scratch). The only way you can make the engine is by doing it yourself through practice.

 

same thing applies here. If you trust in yourself you'll be fine

[Msnak]

How to change your thinking? Well, I don't know.

 

Time will do it. And self-talk. Positive or negative.

 

If you can build a wall around yourself so that other people's thoughtless words don't maim you, that will help. But there's no builder I would trust to do that! LOL!

 

I just had a date a few weeks back with a divorced man with four kids. I'm childless and never married. I liked him, but he said he was done with raising kids, and I haven't gotten to that point yet. So, I calmly informed him we were at different life stages. He wasn't mad, he completely understood.

 

That's the key--find someone who's in your life stage.

 

We can't all be "The Donald" and marry younger women who have child # 6 for us. That's just unrealistic for the most part, and most of those relationships don't last. (Except for Clint Eastwood's current one!)

 

 

 

Now I sound nuts, but that's my 2 cents.

[Tiger206]

[Msnak]

Wow, your post was SO interesting!

 

I'm very happy to see that you've been able to review each "case" and come to a conclusion. I think it shows you're self aware. And I also see that you are good at getting women interested...it's just the maintaining the interest that's hard.

 

Trust me, that's the case for lots of us. Which is why there's lots of posters on this site that have trouble meeting anyone beyond the first or second date.

 

I suppose I think there are a few reasons for that:

1. allowing time to pass before making a decision on someone

2. all parties being completely up front and open

3. all parties being truly ready to date

4. all parties expressing interest in someone instead of holding back

 

Do you have certain characteristics of a woman you're drawn to? Say: intelligent, good at conversation, sense of humor, good cook, etc.??

 

Try listing the best qualities of the women you've dated/married/loved and see if that might help as a guideline for the future.

 

Maybe these dates and these women aren't signs that you're doing anything wrong, it could just be the wrong person. Wrong time. Wrong fit.

 

As for each woman: weak excuses seem like a cover that someone isn't ready to date. Because if you are, you're honest with someone to say "I like you" or "We don't click." For those women that there was no mutual chemistry, that does happen a lot.

 

Don't give up on the woman you feel the most for. Try once more, you might be surprised. It's better to try than to live with regrets or what ifs.

 

You mentioned that you have a few close friends...as we get older, I'm being told by people that that's a very common thing. So, don't fret over that, I guess.

 

Love what you wrote about the ranking system. But yeah, you are being hard on yourself for being divorced. It's not a flaw in you, it's simply part of your history. You're not a broken, worthless potential mate. You simply have tried something and it didn't work, but as long as you learned something, you'll move beyond it.

 

Back to the numbers...attractiveness is a factor, yeah. I used to say it wasn't, but that was until I went on a blind date with Quasimodo! That changed my perspective and revealed that, looks matter a bit, but to me, not so much. I go for nerds, and sort of am one myself.

 

Are you basing the number system for yourself on ALL areas of who you are? Intelligence, people skills, social skills, job, lifestyle, etc?

 

I don't think the # of friends really means too much, as long as you have a few! If you don't, it might mean people are repelled by you. But, that's not your problem.

 

Do you date only select women? That might help decrease the usual self-analyzing that takes place during that process. Again, try a guideline of traits you're in search of. And keep your eyes peeled in all your interactions with others. Don't give up the online dating scene, it's full of duds, but there are also jewels mixed in.

 

I will say this: Online dating is often a place for the lazy, the workaholics, the weird, the shy, the ones who need approval from others, the "about to give up" and the desperate.

 

But again, there are jewels out there online. Sorting through them is tricky.

 

Anyway, these are my thoughts....

[Tiger206]

[Andy223]

You are concentrating on the PROBLEM not the SOLUTION

 

separate your facts and assumptions. Write down an area in your life which you might be lacking. Then underneath this problem right all the statements, which makes you "think" this statement is true.

 

Once you have done this, walk away from it for an hour then come back to it. When you come back to it, cross out all of the statements that are not facts. By facts i mean (i went into a cafe and she walked out the door). An assumption would be (i went into a cafe and she thought i was ugly so she walked out the door). This is just a random example of course.

 

But can't u see that the last statement was an assumption and there is no way you can be sure it is true!

 

When you do this a few times, you will only trust your positive thoughts not your negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are irrational and ususally have no concrete evidence of them being true.

 

Also, instead of highlighting the problems you have, think about the solutions, think about (what can i do to solve each one of these problems) Do this and in time it will work.

 

It certainly helped me. I just changed my thought process, and my life has got so much better.

 

Concentrate on the SOLUTION not the problem

[Msnak]

Well, if you take an acting class, would it really be you that comes out of this?

 

Being yourself is numero uno, and it will ultimately be easier for you and more truthful to the person you're seeing.

 

If you do have a few things you can change, say, smiling more, that's a very positive thing. Go for that. Nothing that's an extreme overhaul. For example, if you had two teeth, maybe you could get dentures. But if you're a guy who likes alternative women, don't suddenly go for a type of woman you know you would never really like.

 

That's why the list of traits in a woman will help you identify the worthwhile ones.

 

Basically, each time you see someone, you're starting fresh, starting over and getting a new chance. Yeah, dating is practice. But then, you never want to get to the point that you date anything with legs and hair, because that's a waste of your time and hers. Not to mention potential for hurt.

 

You'll be fine, recognize your good qualities, as well!