What to do?

[EnglishSilver]

Hi i'm new here, I posted this in the breaking- up forum too, but thought some of you here may have some similar experiences or be able to offer some unbiased advice?

My Background: Married 10 years, 3 kids. Divorced, realised i was gay, in a relationship with a woman for 7 years, gradually became more unhappy due to her controlling behaviour and drinking. Had been apart from her for a year and met a wonderful woman, really thought this one was the one. Never had an argument in the 6 months weve been together, totally in love with her and she with me. Problems are: she has had relentless three years of many problems to do with health, divorce, unhappy relationship and bad break up with previous g/f. Met me before properly healed from last breakup, and is still dealing with how hurt she was. She has two kids ( 5 kids between us age range 11-15). We live 40 miles apart and have been spending most weekends together alternating houses. We both find it hard that we have very little time to ourselves, also that with all our committments around our kids schools, activities and friends means that we are looking at a minimum of 3 years before we could even consider living together. When we are at her house, her son cannot have his friends over, as my g/f cannot be out where she lives, his is not the sort of school environment where having a gay mum would be ok.Its also very hard to work round the varying individual needs of 5 teens to try and keep them happy, especially when theyre not spending the weekend in their own home. Neither of us has much family support, we are both full time single mums as well as working full time, neither dad is involved with the kids on a regular basis (dads choice). I'm not finding it easy, but so delighted to have found her that I'm keeping going by concentrating on the positives and trying to ride out the negatives, however my g/fs stress levels are going through the roof, and she isn't sure she can cope with everything thats going on despite not wanting to lose me. My elder two sons are causing me stress too, oldest has jealousy issues, and middle one is very unhappy at school, and Im not having a lot of support from the teachers, and this is something i'm trying to downplay so I don't add to my g/fs stress. At the moment we are having a "break" to try and take the pressure off her so she can decide what to do. She doesn't want us to split up, but is terrified of causing more hurt if she finds in a few months she really can't cope with the stress, and also our two youngest kids are upset over this as they have grown very close (my son 11 and her daughter 12) She is feeling very much under pressure of time as she knows its hard for us all being in limbo, and i am thinking maybe I need to end the realtionship to take this pressure off her, even though its the last thing I want for myself. If we do split up she wants us to stay best friends so we don't lose each other, but I think right now that would be way too painful for me. Does anyone have any advice or similar experience? Sorry for such a long post.

[miracle29]

I can't imagine for a second how hard it is to realize that you are gay. I feel very badly for you, because I know this has been hard. Me myself, i don't agree with homosexuality but that is MY choice and I don't judge others because of their life choices. You are an adult and with that being said you have already chosen the way you feel you want to go.

 

I will also say Its hard for me to imagine how hard this is on your chidren. They may be slightly confused because they grew up one way and now Mommy is doing something different. Sometimes children are like adults (they don't want to change). Now while I can't give you advice like "break up with her" all i can say is "PRAY". Pray to God for help on this and eventually he will give you the correct answer. You simply just have to listen. In addition I want to tell you that perhaps God is trying to tell the both of you something...and what that message is, is only for you to know.

 

I don't know if this helped but I surely hope it can.

[FoxLocke]

I can't imagine for a second how hard it is to realize that you are gay. I feel very badly for you, because I know this has been hard. Me myself, i don't agree with homosexuality but that is MY choice and I don't judge others because of their life choices. You are an adult and with that being said you have already chosen the way you feel you want to go.

 

 

This is like saying, "I don't agree with you for being black or Asian. It's MY choice to not agree with a certain aspect of you that CANNOT be changed. We are all adults." I don't think she voluntarily woke up one morning and said, "Gee, I want to be a lesbian so I can go through all of this drama!"

 

That is all I have to say about that.

 

English Silver, I know exactly how you feel. Even though--thank god--I am not in the position of being married and having kids I think everyone on this forum can relate to you on some level.

 

First of all even though it isn't the ideal situation I applaud you for finding the courage to be true to yourself.

Anyway, in my opinion, the way the two of you have handled it is very mature. I agree with your girlfriend's decision to slow down the relationship so that she can manage to cope with the enormity of it all.

 

Right now I would really concentrate on the kids. They are at that awkward preteen-Adolescent phase where social acceptance and support is crucial. Right now it should be about them, and when they are young adults(which really won't be long)the two of you can dive head first into your burgeoning relationship...

 

Good luck to you!

[pianoguy]

EnglishSilver, I apologize, sometimes we get people in here who have nothing helpful to contribute beyond religious babble, and I advise you just to skip over a certain post.

 

Is it possible that one of you could move closer to the other? It seems like you both care about each other, and the fact that your kids get along is really great. It would be sad for you to break up over something like this when what you really need is each other for support since it sounds like you aren't getting much from anywhere else.

 

Have you thought about moving in together? That's a pretty major commitment but at your age you're qualified to judge when you're ready to take this step. Is the potential embarrasment of your girlfriend's children the only thing preventing you from doing this? Could your girlfriend move in with you? Could you both move to a new city together, one more gay friendly? The fact of the matter is that your girlfriend's son is going to have to deal with the fact that his mom likes women and not men sooner or later, regardless of what his friends think.

 

What I notice running through your entire post is this need to take everyone else's burden onto your own shoulders.

 

I am thinking maybe I need to end this relationship to take this pressure of her

this is something I'm trying to downplay so I don't add to my girlfriend's stress

neither dad is involved with the kids much (dads choice). I'm not finding it easy...

You seem to be at the point where you are so busy considering everyone else's needs that you can't take care of your own. What is it YOU want? Ask yourself this and answer sincerely.

[Jinx]

I don't think she voluntarily woke up one morning and said, "Gee, I want to be a lesbian so I can go through all of this drama!"

I apologize, sometimes we get people in here who have nothing helpful to contribute beyond religious babble

Amen.

 

Moving onto unbiased advice, I believe both PianoGuy and FoxLocke covered the basics of this situation.

 

By the sounds what I would consider a deal of this stress is both the school and general location atmosphere. If it is possible (depending on careers and such) as previous posters have mentioned you two may consider relocating to an open location where you will not be judged by who you are. That in itself as most know is on its own level when it comes to inducing stress.

 

Secondly, there are several accepting cities out and around which have wonderful schools and dedicated teachers. They may be difficult at times to find but they're out there and that may hell alleviate a percent of the problems being currently faced.

 

Next, you all may just need to, if you haven't already, sit down and discuss about the situation. Having been in family of teens prior to college, I can tell you there are often times when the parents needed to sit us down and say - This is the situation and is serious. - Often that slap in the face discussion had all of us in order promptly. I suppose during the teen years we were all prone to squabbles, mood swings, and being general pains thinking that were were in charge. Sometimes that one clear cut conversation that is to the point explains it all, and allowing them to ask questions happens too once pretty much understood. Attitudes can change when it comes down to a certain situation.

 

Your girlfriend seems like a good person but with the understandable amount of stress, breaking up may only increase that, depending on the level and depth. She may consider going to see someone, just to get out everything. Again depending on her situation and yours relocating may just be the ticket to solving at least two if not more of these problems you both are facing at this point. Even if you don't move in now, being accepted and living freely does eliminate a huge burden.

 

Also, as PianoGuy mentioned you can take another approach and think of you. When it all comes together in the end it'll be your choice and what truly makes you complete and happy. Pleasing the world doesn't usually work, but pleasing one's individual self often does. This may be one of those cases where you two just really need to sit down when she is in a decent mood and discuss peacefully about possibilities and you can further analyze the situation at hand.

[EnglishSilver]

Hi guys and thanks for all your replies. Well I am afraid we split up last night, g/f felt she would be unable to handle all the obstacles and didn't want our love to turn sour because of her inability to cope. Moving for her wasn't an option due to her kids being settled in schools and them having already been through massive changes. I already live in a city which is largely gay friendly and am "out" everywhere and have been for the last 9 years, at work, kids friends etc, but she lives in a small rural town. Although she is very fond of my kids, she also finds it a full time job coping with her own two, and wouldn't have managed living with 5 kids ( wouldn't have been too bad for me as hers are lots quieter!) Feeling very hurt today and keep alternating between numb and tearful, but I'm glad she was honest and didn't drag itout any longer. She wants us to stay best friends so we don't lose each other, but I don't think i'm capable of that at the moment - way too painful, so I'll just have to let time do some healing and work out what I can manage. Thanks for all your thoughts.