A break-up is permanent.

[octopus]

I used to post in the "getting back together" forum, but as of today, I think I understand that it is impossible to get back together even if the ex comes and begs for 40 nights straight.

 

How could a relationship turn back, pretending none of the pain happened? It just can't. A break-up is permanent.

 

I also realized the thing (5 weeks after the break-up) that still makes me down is NOT knowing what he might be thinking. Does he miss me? Does he think of me? Does he regret it? Has he already started dating? Is he back with his ex?

 

When I feel strong and that I'm moving on and I don't need him, I feel that he will come back to me.

 

When I feel weak, when I feel miserable and fight myself to not call him, I feel that he thinks we're over forever.

 

At these two extremes I have, what is he thinking? Is he even thinking of me or while I spend hours on this forum reading other people's posts, he's already holding someone else? What is going on over there???

 

I just want this to be over and I hope all of you who are going thru this will find the strength to be strong, to do NC, and that you'll be blessed with the EX coming back to you and begging, only so you can enjoy saying 'NO'.

[yelloemail]

you are one smart person!

[octopus]

Thanks yelloemail!

 

As much as I understand everything I wrote, I can't accept them or feel them. It's sooo painful...

[gradle]

you'll be ok, i promise. you are really smart!

i also wonder if i could ever really forgive my ex if he were to come back. i don't know how people do it. i really truly honestly don't. part of me hopes that i can do it if he does. and part of me wants to have the strenght and the true desire to keep him out of my life.

all these conflicts are normal i think. and i think in time you can gauge how to live your life with or without them.

[Jjasonn28]

I dont mean to rain on any parades....

 

Is it just me? Or does the idea of going through pains together, dealing with them, and becoming stronger together BECAUSE of them exist to anyone?

 

I suppose the circumstanes of everyones pain/troubles are all different, and of course some could not, and should not EVER be tolerated. But I for one would like to think that, it IS possible to become stronger together not in spite those problems, but because of them..

 

On the other hand.. maybe im dillusional and should be locked up. This world is seeming less and less tolerable of those of us with HUGE hearts....

 

JP

[nikkers04]

I agree with jjason problems and working through them is what makes the relationship stronger.>>>I think if you are strong enough and capable to forgive the ex for what ever went wrong the relationship will be much stronger. I also believe it takes 2 people to mess up a relationship...yes one side might be more to blame but I think it takes 2 to end it.

[Dako]

Jjason,

 

Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who win her back. I hope so.

 

I fantasized about my wife returning for a while and felt strong enough to take her back. As much as I love her, one day a little door slammed shut for good after waking from a nightmare. In it, she asked me to come back and I woke up yelling No!!!! I still adore her, but I just can't be so open after all this heartache. She's too kind to play that trick on me, so there's no real danger.

[bleeder]

Well said Octopus.

 

Relationships either work, or they don't at all. We have different scenes from different crimes. People getting stuck in a bond due to the fear of loneliness, due to the fear of being seen as single, the list goes on. Sometimes, the amount of abuse they put up with can be rather startling.

 

When it comes to making the call, breaking up might not be such a bad thing afterall, and yes, it must be permanent. The trick to survival in relationships is to recognise which are the ones that work, and those that don't. Too much compromising on both sides is never a good thing.

 

I can't stress this enough, but NC is mandatory. I never believed in 'being friends with an ex'.

[selfi]

i dont believe in being so closed minded about the situation. NOTHING is impossible. (or am i just naive?!)

im trying really hard to have a 'kay sera-sera' attitude towards love.

if my ex ever wants me back, and i felt the same, then i would let that happen. but if he doesnt, then i wish him well.

[octopus]

I do think going through pain like this makes you stronger, like weight training makes your muscles stronger... However what I can't figure out is, here I am going through so much pain, and I'm still thinking "It'd be impossible to get back if he comes back" -- He's NEVER coming back!

 

Otherwise he wouldn't have broken up with me in the first place!

WHy can't I get over this? It is permanent, and no matter how much I think & hurt about it, it shouldn't affect my day-to-day progess because we have NC and I'm in DC for the next weeks and he's in Boston, and even i weren't, there's nothing I can do to change his heart!!!!

[lgirl]

octopus, that's EXACTLY how i feel and i'm getting really fed up with myself. just yesterday i had the most searing recollection of my ex telling me how he'd 'lost' his feelings for me and didn't know how to get them back(!). he actually asked me how he could get them back (like i'm a monster or something), can you believe it? and here i am 8 months on still trying to get over all his bs. even remembering that and seeing how things prob weren't going to work out with him (oh the 'benefit' of hindsight!!!) isn't enough, doesn't affect my thinking; i still haven't put him behind me and i feel so stupid b/c of it! i don't get it! and worse, thinking he's so over me - he must be if he lost his feelings, right? GAAHH!! how do you get out of the loop?

[octopus]

lgirl,

 

I don't know!!!! They must be over and moving on like we never existed, because most of the time the dumpers end it in their heads first, get used to the idea then the actual break up occurs. To me, mine was a shock but he'd been thinking about it for 2 months...

 

How can we be at peace with this when they are available to any other woman in the world but US? I guess it's a self confidence issue?? Or do even the strongest people go thru this loop of denial, anger, acceptance, indifference, then anger, denial again...?

[RayKay]

I dont mean to rain on any parades....

 

Is it just me? Or does the idea of going through pains together, dealing with them, and becoming stronger together BECAUSE of them exist to anyone?

 

I suppose the circumstanes of everyones pain/troubles are all different, and of course some could not, and should not EVER be tolerated. But I for one would like to think that, it IS possible to become stronger together not in spite those problems, but because of them..

 

On the other hand.. maybe im dillusional and should be locked up. This world is seeming less and less tolerable of those of us with HUGE hearts....

 

JP

 

Love grows stronger through shared experiences - and that includes some of the rough ones as much as the great ones. There are dealbreakers, but there are also plenty of strength builders.

 

However, what is important is that it DOES take two people to go through them together. It takes two to want to work through them, and have that commitment to resolve things - be they conflicts within the relationship itself, or stress external to it that has added some issues to the relationship.

 

I have a HUGE heart too, but I know well enough to know that when the cost becomes too great on you emotionally without any return from your other partner, it's time to move on, and strengthen yourself alone. You can't force someone to work something out then they are not willing to do so, or their feelings are not there to do it. And if that is the case, good can still come out of it....it really can.

 

RayKay

[RayKay]

lgirl,

 

I don't know!!!! They must be over and moving on like we never existed, because most of the time the dumpers end it in their heads first, get used to the idea then the actual break up occurs. To me, mine was a shock but he'd been thinking about it for 2 months...

 

How can we be at peace with this when they are available to any other woman in the world but US? I guess it's a self confidence issue?? Or do even the strongest people go thru this loop of denial, anger, acceptance, indifference, then anger, denial again...?

 

I don't think it's that easy. I have been a dumper too, and before making the decision tried to work things out, I spent a lot of time debating it, but finally I had to do it. And while I knew it was right thing to do ultimately it did not make it EASIER since I DID care about the person still, and I knew it was hurting them too.

 

I think if you saw more dumpers stories it would be more apparent they hurt too, but I think dumpers feel excluded in some sense by the forums here, which rally to the dumpees side. I think with dumpers there are still a lot of feelings of guilt of hurting someone, or regret, and yes, of loss. But there are times that the issues cannot be worked out, they are too huge, too long lasting, too painful, too costly to their own emotional health, or there is just something not THERE, you can't force...though you wish it HAD been there.

 

How can you be at peace with it? Well, it takes time, it just does....you can't rush it, some breakups take weeks to heal from, some months, some unfortunately longer though that is rare and I think that is often due to other complications. Once you get to that point of acceptance though, it gets so much easier. Everyone goes through stages....in terms of healing, a breakup is similar to a death, in that you go through the stages of grieving, and the timeframe is different for everyone, and depends on your personality, actions, the relationship to the person, and so forth. But trust in yourself....we are pretty amazing creatures, and we DO heal, and we DO move forward.

[octopus]

I'm sure he hurts because he knows how hurt I am, and I know that he does

care for me... But I want to call him and say "Are you as happy as you thought you'd be without me?", and I want to scream, but I probably won't like the answer I'll get.

 

Like you said, he probably did think about whether it'd work out, and this was pre-meditated when he came to me to end it. What can I do? There was a Cinderella song from ages ago:

 

I can't tell you baby what went wrong

I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago...

 

There's nothing to do. A break up is permanent.

[lonely days]

I have to disagree that all break ups are permanent. I am going to a wedding next week where the couple had been broken up for over a year. My parents were broken up before they were married and just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary 2 months ago. I could give several more examples of this.

 

However I do not want to give anyone false hope to people because we all know many cases of people breaking up and never getting back together and some never even speak again.

 

Every case is different and unique!

[octopus]

Thanks, lonelydays.

 

Secretly, that was what I wanted to hear

[RayKay]

Thanks, lonelydays.

 

Secretly, that was what I wanted to hear

 

I know a few couples whom have gotten back together too...but it was always after a year or more had elapsed, and so it really was a NEW relationship starting over....it was after they had both moved on, and ultimately decided that they should be together. Most of the time though, this is a rare occurrence, one or both partners both move on and realize that they deserve better, or that they were not as happy as they thought, or it was right thing...and so forth.

 

I know, as I clung to those stories too for hope last break up...but in time I realized I wanted someone whom was truly truly into me, and knew it...without question. And my ex was not it.

 

And since then, that acceptance, things have gone wonderfully.

[lonely days]

I just hope reconciling runs in my family. I believe that if you do get back together with someone after some time apart that hopefully you've learned from your mistakes and the relationship becomes much stronger because of it.

 

I read somewhere that most long term relationships breakup at some point or another. I guess sometimes people need to take a step back and see if that's what they really want. Some get back together and some do not.

 

Make sure that you learn from your mistakes and do not take people for granted because it will jump up and bite you in the * * * * * when you least expect it. I'm talking from experience

[Dako]

RayKay expressed my opinion exactly.

 

I think expecting a last minute reprieve during a painful breakup is normal but not worth the effort. Maybe after some time passes ther's a chance but a breakup changes things. As much as I love my wife, I'd never return to her.

[RayKay]

I read somewhere that most long term relationships breakup at some point or another. I guess sometimes people need to take a step back and see if that's what they really want. Some get back together and some do not.

 

Well, logically 100% of them breakup until you find the last one...which can last as long as you both are wanting it to...I usually consider this one the "one", some might just consider it the luck of the draw, or timing though...

[Dako]

Well, logically 100% of them breakup until you find the last one...which can last as long as you both are wanting it to...I usually consider this one the "one", some might just consider it the luck of the draw, or timing though...

 

I disagree with you there RayKay.

Of course I have no facts to support it except I feel my marriage was "The One" even though it's toast. I don't expect lightening to strike again.

If I'm wrong, I'll live with the consequences.

[octopus]

I think it also depends on the reasons for break up too. In my case, he told me he didn't love me "the way he's been capable of before" (= like he loved his ex). So in order for him to come back to me, time has to pass, things have to change, he has to get over his ex, he has to open his heart ...

 

But if a break up was because of long distance, or someone had a drinking problem, or an affair, i'd think the post-conditions and stages would be different. I might sound selfish, but all those other reasons sound fixable to me at this point, but when there isn't love in someone's heart, how do you fix that?

 

I should go kill myself now

[Jjasonn28]

I understand this RayKay, I really do. Like I had said, there are so many different circumstances, its impossible to generalize relationships. I realize it takes two. No matter how minor the problems, it takes both to want to grow stronger together.

 

It just seems, (in my eyes anyway) that some people are so afraid to face such challenges. For some reason, they would prefer to try to grow from these challenges independently. Is it a lack of communication, or trust, or understanding between partners? Probably. No one is perfect.

 

Travelling the smooth, straight road is probably the safe bet, but wont make you a better driver.

 

Lol, does that make sense to anyone else??

[bleeder]

but when there isn't love in someone's heart, how do you fix that?

 

There are no hard fixes for that. A quick exit is the best solution. When it comes to luck, we make our own.