Very confused.

[Alperionce]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm here for a not so good reason. This is kinda of a long story because Its very complicated from my perspective. I need to know whats up, and hopefully this will help my healing.

 

My girlfriend(20yrs dumped me after 6months of relationship. In the beginning she was more of the aggressor of the relationship, she wasn't dominant, but she told me that she was interested in me. We worked, and dated together, and then we finally became girlfriend and boyfriend. I went back to college, we got cell phones and we constantly called eachother during the nights and weekends. As the semester went along, we became more distant due to distractions such as school, and other things that came along. I went to school full time, and my ex-girlfriend went to work fulltime and went to school part time. We were constantly busy, we went to see eachother every two weeks, we lived two hours away from eachother, but the semester became more hectic.

 

Basically we became distant, and she became agitated with her job and everyone else, excluding me first, and eventually including me. She told me that she felt discontent, I asked her if It was me, and she said no. I kept an eye on her, and checked up on her regulary to make sure she was okay. She said she was getting better. She called a couple of times, on how she had no friends to hang out, and she was always busy.

 

She told me that she was playing poker with friends one day.

 

We became distant because we were busy, not because we didn't get along. So I thought everything would be okay once I get back.

 

During my birthday, actually two days after my birthday, we met up and she said to me that she didn't want to do this anymore. She didn't see me as a boyfriend. She didn't give me solid reasons. At the same time, she told me that she was hanging out with the guys, that I know from work, which she didn't happen to tell me from the beginning. So I was dumped two days after my birthday and a day or two before christmas.

 

 

I gave her an email that basically said that I didn't want anything to do with her, because I asked her if she cheated on me. She said no. I told her that I would forgive her, but I wouldn't forget and I move on totally as in no communication. I wanted some closure. Not knowing is what drove me crazy. I wanted to be able to know what I did wrong. She said I didn't do anything wrong.

 

She called me on the phone to tell me why, she was crying, she thought I was an incredible guy, and the only one that understood her. She said that she couldn't handle a relationship at the moment, and need "me time.". If this was any other person I would have deciphered this as I want to see other guys msg. I truly believe that she is sorta depressed or overirritated. Should I stay with her, as a friend, even if it does conflict with my own desires, or should I let her go.

 

I made some mistakes, as to be too supportive, when she doesn't really want support from me, even as a friend, which I dont' understand. So I can't really do anything but just wait. She told me that we could see other people, and she didn't want me to hang around for her, it wouldn't be fair, but she told me that she was not ready to handle a relationship with me or anyone else.

 

I told her, that if I move on, that she might not get another chance, and she replied that she would probably regret it. But it was something that she had to do. It doesn't really make sense. She told me another reason, she thought she wasn't a good enough girlfriend, and she felt inadequate. I never stopped her from getting her own time. Actually, I encouraged her to make time for herself, and not to take crap. I didn't think my own sword would be used against me.

 

From what I'm reading, I should move on. I'm hoping that she would come to her senses. I will not ask her back. That was her decision. Should I stay, and help her, when she doesn't want help. She is stubborn, or should I let go. I'm hearing around in the forums, the best thing you can do is give her space, and let go. Which is somethign I haven't been doing. Its very hard. I never eperience this much pain before. Should I be her friend in hopes for something more, or more importantly her mental health, or should I leave her to make it own her own, or figure things out?

 

 

I don't think she was cheating on me, I think she was geniunely overwhelmed by everything. The fact is that I'm hurt because I was the one that was by her side, that supported her, that told her to make time for her self. And I didn't demand that much from her. She said that she wanted to stop the relationship ahead of time before it got messy. Because she said that we would just argue, because of her own state of mind.

 

I got so jealous when she was hanging around other friends, that happen to be guys, I don't think anything is going on. I just don't pick up good vibes. I'm on a roller coaster of emotions, and wanting to hang out with her.

 

I need honest opinions. Sorry for such a long post.

 

From Alperionce.

[shamus]

similar situation my friend

my ex broke up with me a few days after my bday-dec 2. told me she wanted to date others, didnt want a commitment or monogamy.

lots of arguing and name calling on my part, bad move i know.

 

initiate no contact. it will be so hard. give her the gift of missing you

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Hi Alperionce,

 

Its very nice of you that you want to stay beside her and help her.. If you want to help her just because you want to support her thats good.. Not because you want to change her feelings.. But since she dont want you to support her.. then i think you dont want to push her..

 

I think you should let her go.. Leave her alone.. She doesnt want the relationship and she doesnt want support.. By other words, she dont want you near her right now.. So do what she wants and leave her..

[RayKay]

Hi Alpieronce,

 

Welcome to the forums first of all

 

I think sweetie, you need to let her go and work on your own healing journey. Don't be her friend when it's against your own desires, and when it may hurt you even more in the long run. She has also said she does not want your support...maybe because to her it feels like pressure or guilt...and she does not want to deal with that, so I would be in VERY limited contact at the very least.

 

I think it's best to let this one go, and keep it in very limited, or no contact. Maybe in time you can be friends, but right now, you definitely have to heal, and move on and take care of yourself. And I promise that taking space will not jeopardize a future if there was MEANT to be a future. You cannot be there as a "quasi boyfriend" without being the boyfriend, and you cannot be a friend yet when you need to heal yourself still.

 

Get out there and get in touch with friends, go to the gym and work out, date others when you are ready...but think of this as over and use that to move on.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

RayKay

[Alperionce]

well.... update

 

I was dumped on the 23rd of december 2005. It has been around 56 days since our break up. Its very hard for me to go on, and not get any phone calls from me. I Only got one which would be a little over 2 weeks ago from this posting date. I think its really cruel that she doesn't really care. I have been going out with her for six months. I obviously I still care about her, and even more obviously people in my life tell me to forget about her. Bottom line she dumped me because she couldn't handle the relationship, which hurt me, but I still care for her. She wasn't nasty, but totally inconsiderate.

 

There are times that I want to break my two week No contact. How do I know that I'm making the right decision on going no contact. She called the fourth or fifth day of going to school. Should I have taken that as a gesture of good will, and I'm supposed to return it in favor?

 

I told her that I needed a one way contact because I needed to heal, I didn't mind if she called or email, but i needed to find away to see if she really cared for me. According to my own setup and stippulations, she doesn't care about me because she doesn't call me that much, email, nor aim me.

 

When she called me that time, I put my guard up, and I sounded distant. She said that I hope that I feel better. And I replied with good bye. I wasn't that nice, but I also know that I was being civil. And I didn't bring up anything about the relationship.

 

I felt bad, and I still do. 6 months of relationship meant a lot to me, and she doesn't take the time for me. Is this the obvious sign that she doesn't care about me?

 

Thanks guys for posting. I appreciate your feedback.

[Alperionce]

Yeah.....I guess I'm kinda weird since no one replies to my questions. I desperately want to stop the no contact with my ex since two months ago. She has called me a while ago......2 weeks ago. Should I inniate contact? Is she waiting for me to, or should I stay no contact?

 

I want to know if she still wants a relationship, since she said she needed time. What should I do?

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi Alperionce,

 

I'm in a similar situation.

 

I get some emails and I get phone calls at work. I have answered some of the calls because we work at the same place. The conversations have allways been kept short, non emotional and strictly on the topic of work.

 

I hate to say it, but from your first post it seems to me she feels guilty. Why? I can't tell only she knows the truth behind that from your posts.

 

I have not initiated any contact at all. I feel much better about myself as this has helped me immensely. I don't care what she is doing and with who. It does feel good to finally get the point of not caring. It hasn't been easy though, it's been hard. There are still a few painful moments, but they don't last long and are few and far between now.

 

I would not initiate any contact if I were you. She may be waiting, she may not be. She may be busy, or she may be waiting so she can string you along. That is what I would be worried about if I were you. The relationship is over and if she wants one again you can bet she won't let anything get in the way to tell you. But for now, it's over and that is the way I think you should look at it. Give her the time, and you take your time to make yourself feel better without her. You don't need her help to do that.

 

Also, if you were to contact her now to talk about a new relationship, you will probably come off as being too needy and clingy which is not going to do anyone any good. That could give her more reason to think you will always keep the door open for her and nobody else.

 

Use no contact to make yourself better, not to get her back. It is tough, I know but I also know that it is worth it and very very powerful once it works.

 

Stay strong!

Keep us posted.

 

bcuzitwasfun

[Alperionce]

Hey guys,

 

Another update. I wanted to tell you that I thank everyone one of you that has been there for me by replying. I did something and defied everyone's advice, including everyone in my family, my friends, and this forum.

 

I have broken NC. I went for the gut feeling. I did it on my own terms. Today was the first day that I'm no longer heart sick. I think I'm over this,hopefully; And my pride was vanquished, and I made the first step even though she pushed me away. I feel different, I feel serene, I feel like I'm in control. I guess that I still care for her, but I don't have emotional attachments like I used to have. Emotional attachments are the rollercoasters in the breakup. I would hesistantly say that I no longer feel any of this, but I feel a calmness in me. I still love her.

 

Dare I say?

 

I aimed her. I told her that I hope that she was okay. I hope things are eased up a bit. She idled and didn't reply. I wasn't affected at all. I told her that she didn't reply, and that I wasn't mad. I told her that I had an email for her.

 

Yes. In the email I have given her, which was lenghthy, I have told her that I wanted to know how she was, I hope she was doing okay. I told her that if she was feeling guilty, sad, or felt in someone way obligated to me. That she didn't have to have those feelings. I told her that it was okay. I told her that it was okay if you were seeing other people and to move on totally if she wasn't interested.

 

I told her that I email because I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt. I wanted to know that truth of what shes says. I gave her no pressure. I even told her that if you didn't reply then that will be okay and I will take this as shes moved on. I told her that if shes seeing someone that it will be okay also, and i said that if I could know also, then that we help me move on. I need to know who it is, or else I will keep thinking about it. ANd then that will sharpen my blades to finally end the last string.

 

Its really weird. I hope that I don't relapse. I don't thinks its impossible, but you never know. Thats why I'm taking it really slow. I'm really thoughtful at this point. I told her much more than I'm telling you guys, my fears, and the reaons why I haven't contacted her for a month. I needed to heal. I admitted to her that I used it to lure her back. THat is my proof that I can accept what happens, and that I'm hopefully over this heart brake.

 

I care if I got her back, but at the same times....I'm ready to move on with no regrets. 6months of relationships...one month of partial NC and 1 month with out contact at all.

 

I genuinely know that she holds things in . I'm stable enough to be considerate of her, even when she wasn't with me. I know that shes stubborn and holds things in when is not mentally healthy. I know. That is why I did this. I'm glad.

 

I know it is possible for me to regret this. I will be fine. Its all about experience. The one thing I didn't tell her was that if she didn't want to be my friend and lover == companion then I would entirely move on because I will always lover her. It would conflict with my desires and will hurt me. I don't want a girlfriend that I can't be friends with, or a friend that once had the lover aspect to. It wouldn't feel complete. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to put her in a corner.

 

I will update soon enough. What happens, happens.

 

Fare well,

 

Alperionce El Omegeron Qulight

 

I gave her a date to reply if she was still interested in me. I told her that I can't, wont' ask her out becausae it was her trials that broke up our relationship.