Should I be upset?

[Boricua7]

Just so you know my boyfriend of a year and a half and I recently broke up. We are still really close and nothing (and I mean nothing) has changed since we broke up. We still hang out, we still hold hands, we still kiss, we still make love. The thing is our relationship had hit rock bottom. He wanted space and I couldn't trust him enough to give it to him and it's not because of him, it's because I find it hard to trust anyone. We both really love and care about eachother. When we broke up it was not because we didn't want to be together anymore, we just both needed to step out of the relationship and do our own things for awhile. We had been fighting way too much and causing eachother unnecessary stress. You know the saying "you can never have too much of a good thing"? That's a lie.

 

So one night he got really super drunk with some people at his house. Note: we are broken up. Anyway, he was really wasted and forgot to call me when he got home like he promised he would. I called the house and we ended up getting into a HUGE fight. We hung up extremely pissed at eachother. I never called him back. I figured we both needed to cool off. The following day I went over to his house to see him. I went to his room and there was a girl in there. He was no where to be found. I started to worry but I didn't let my emotions get the best of me and jump to conclusions. I went downstairs and eventually found him in his mother's bathroom passed out. He was awake and had apparently been puking all night and all morning. I asked him what was going on and told him that I found Alicia in his room. He proceeded to tell me that they had hooked up last night. I started to cry. He told me that she meant nothing, that it was just a one night stand and that he regretted it. He told me he would never do anything to hurt me and was sorry. I could tell by the look on his face that he was not lying to me. If anything I could always count on him to tell me the truth. He even told me that it wasn't even good, that they'd briefly had sex and he passed out on her. That kind of made me feel better that it wasn't satisfying, however twisted that may sound.

 

Anyway, I'm having mixed feelings here. I am extremely upset that he did this. I know he loves me and I know he cares about me and I know he is sorry and that nothing like this will ever happen again. The thing is we're not dating. He's free; he can do whatever he wants. Then again, we're not broken up for good. We're just separated for the time being.

 

So the question remains: should I be upset?

[DN]

You can't help feeling upset. But strictly he did nothing wrong.

 

But a break-up where nothing has changed isn't a proper break-up.

 

If you want him as a boyfriend then talk to him and get this relationship back on track - exclusive, balanced, mature, respectful of each other's time and space and emotions, and loving each other properly

[SeaBisquit]

i would say when guys are single they tend to get out of line. he doesn't have his women any,ore to keep him in line. you know what i mean?

[Boricua7]

i would say when guys are single they tend to get out of line. he doesn't have his women any,ore to keep him in line. you know what i mean?

 

Wait, what?

[DN]

i would say when guys are single they tend to get out of line. he doesn't have his women any,ore to keep him in line. you know what i mean?

 

"Get out of line"? How did he get out of line?

[SeaBisquit]

ok, to explain you two broke up so he went out and partied and was with another girl that he doesn't even care about. he got so drunk that he passed out. what i mean about out of line is that he is living unresponsibly like he's not with the one he cares about. seriously anyways. so he's being careless because he needs you and your support. i hope that explained it better.

[coollady1957]

Wow, thats a hard one,,,,,,, you are broken up,, but yet not broken up in a sense,,,,,, but when u broke up it left him free to do as pleases,,,,,,,, but again on the other hand you seem to be still connected to him,,,,,,,,, WOW, i am confused,,,,,,,,,, its hard to say he did something wrong,,,,,, but then if you are still intimate with him, then i can see how it would bother you.... hard thing to asnwer really.

[lovecrazy]

It sounds like to me that he does love you, and it was a mistake, I would just tell him that he needs to watch how much he drinks.

 

But to be honest since you have broken up, he didnt cheat on you persay.

 

It does hurt and I am sorry. But it sounds like you two never broke up, you guys need to have a serious talk!

[Boricua7]

Btw, do you think if you didn't find the girl in his room, he would have told you about her???

 

I'm positive he would have. He has always told me the truth, even if he knew it would hurt me. When I found the girl in his room I asked if she and David had done anything and she proceeded to make up an elaborate lie on how she ended up in his room and nothing happened She lied to me right to my face. That is was pissed me off the most. If you're going to do something stick by your decision! She wasn't a random girl, she's someone I've know. I used to work with her. She is such a yellow tailed * * * * *! She's the girl that is cool to hang out with but everyone knows she's a * * * *. If she has the chance to * * * * someone she will. Anyway, when I confronted David in his mother's bathroom I told him that I had found Alicia in his room and I also told him exactly what she told me. He could have very easily gone along with her lie and been in the clear but he told me the truth anyway. He has yet to ever lie to me.

 

I have decided that I can handle being in the kind of relationship we seem to have right now. I told him that I didn't want to hold him back or tie him down, that I wanted him to be able to hang out with me when he wants to without feeling like he has to. When we were dating he said he loved hanging out with me but that sometimes he felt like he HAD to and that it bothered him. Hopefully he doesn't feel that way now. As far as him being free to do whatever he wants, I told him that if he wanted to continue to "be" with me that he wasn't completely free in a sense. He told me that he didn't want to "be" with anyone else and said he wanted to be exclusively with me and only me because he loved me. I don't know how many times he said he was sorry and regretted everything that happened. He has this thing where he blinks a lot when he lies (I have yet to bring this up to him because I don't want him to know what gives him away) so I can tell just by looking at him that he was being completely honest. I have seen him lie to other people so this is how I know. I also brought up his drinking habits to him. He has drank so much that he is now an extreme heavy weight. He said he couldn't promise that he would never drink again (he's in the most alcohol fraternity on campus) but he gave me his word that he would be smarter about it. I think his must-drink-to-have-fun attitude is a phase. So many guys who join fraternities do nothing but drink for awhile. I've noticed that the older brothers don't drink as often or nearly as much. I'm pretty sure drinking all of the time will get old and he will grow out of it. For now I'm just going to have to deal with it just like he deals with some of the things I do that he doesn't like.

 

We decided to just be there for eachother and see what happens because no matter what, we will always love eachother. He promised me "on his honor" (a binding promise at his fraternity that if he does not uphold he gets in BIG trouble with the other Sigma Nus) that he would never be with another girl or do anything to purposely hurt me. That means a lot because not only is it rare that someone makes a promise on their honor because of the fact that they HAVE to keep it but it's even more rare that such a promise is made to someone who is NOT a brother. I've decided that I just have to accept that he * * * *ed up, forgive him, and move on. Everyone makes mistakes and some are bigger than others. His just happens to have been one of the bigger ones.

 

Thank you all for responding. It makes me feel better to know that there are people out there who are willing to help me out. Somtimes I feel bad for going to my friends and family with my problems because I feel like I'm obligating them to be there for me. I know that's what they are there for but I just don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want to force my problems onto anyone else because I don't want to bring bad into their lives. ](*,) I love being able to post because then people have the option of helping me out or not, free of obligation. Again, thank you all so much for responding! I'll keep you up-to-date!

[DN]

I am not clear about the ground rules that were set here. To me, being broken up means that you were not together and thereforeeee he was free to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted. So why is what he did a 'mistake'? why does he need to be forgiven for it? and what business is it of yours what he does?

 

If you are not together but act as if you are and cannot be with anyone else, what is this arrangement called?

[Boricua7]

I am not clear about the ground rules that were set here. To me, being broken up means that you were not together and thereforeeee he was free to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted. So why is what he did a 'mistake'? why does he need to be forgiven for it? and what business is it of yours what he does?

 

If you are not together but act as if you are and cannot be with anyone else, what is this arrangement called?

 

 

Pretty much we broke up with the understanding that there would be no one else. He told me he didn't want to be with anyone else but me but that right now he just needed to have his time to do his own thing. I never gave it to him so he we split for the time being.

 

I know this sounds really cynical but I don't believe that guys lines at all.

 

He might be the exception, but I'm just basing my hunch on years of experiences of both myself and others.

 

My guess is that he's probably a good guy overall but I'd wait a couple of years to become involved with him because right now he's going to experiment . As much as he may care about you, it's highly likely that this will happen again.

 

I suppose time will tell.

 

I understand you being cynical, you don't need to apologize for it or anything. I know how it must seem to an outside party. The way it seems is just what you said, that he is just feeding me "lines" to keep me around. I know he's a good guy and even good guys make mistakes and do things they regret. He's human. I know that he is not just telling me what I want to hear so that he can just have me when he wants me. I am not going to allow him to hurt me again. I am no longer going to be intimate with him. That way I can test to see if he still says he loves me when he's not getting any and I can help make things less complicated between us. Intimacy to me is something special and the way we are now it's just not right. I really love him and I know for a fact that he loves me. I know in my heart that he's the one so being with him feels right but I refuse to let him think for a second that he can have his cake and eat it too.

[Vanilla]

ok i dont know why you're upset...you keep making it clear that he's a good guy, that he was honest, that you two were broken up, that you believe him....

 

why do you keep emphasizing on that and then going back and being all confused? you're answering your own questions!

 

you two were broken up, which quite honestly should end all sex etc because all it is doing is hurting one side of this mess. you're making it easy for him to have you, and then sleep with other girls ...so this can happen? why would you want that? if you are broken up act like it. But don't be surprised if this happens again because it probably will no matter how pretty he makes things sound.

 

also don't go off dissing her, because he is just as much to blame as she is.

 

I am sorry but that whole breaking up and not being with anyone else is just a sweet line on his behalf to keep you around without commitment while he fools around behind your back.

 

You seem like a nice girl, but you seem to really want to believe only what you WANT to believe from him. He has it good, his ex girlfriend who loves him around and the freedom to fling as he pleases. Seriously, what are you holding on to right now?

 

Like I said before- broken up is that- broken up and there is no exception to that rule.

[Boricua7]

Vanilla,

 

First of all, expressing my anger towards someone who lied to me straight to my face does not mean that I only place blame solely on her. It takes two to tango, I know this. Atleast he had the decency to tell me the truth. I also am justified in calling her a * * * * * because she is one. It's not like I'm just saying this out of anger (although I won't deny that there is anger there). I know this girl, she likes to * * * * around. She's a wore. End of story.

 

Second of all, the reason I was upset was because I found out someone I love did something that hurt me. How hard is that to understand (please don't take this question to mean the way it might "sound" because that is not my intention)?

 

The "whole breaking up and not being with anyone else" is something the both of us agreed to. He has never been (in any way) with anyone else before so I had no reason to believe he was just feeding me a "sweet line". I know him; I know he's not a liar and I know he's not trying to take advantage of me.

 

I know he loves me and I love him. We have fun when we're together. He makes me feel good. He's been there for me for a lot of things. We're the closest two people can ever get. This is what I'm holding on to.

 

I mentioned before that I am not intimate with him anymore. I will not allow him to think that he can have me on the side and be free to do whatever he wants. He knows that he has to "buy the cow" because I won't let him "milk it for free".

 

You're right. Broken up is broken up. No exceptions. I realize that now. Thanks.

[Vanilla]

i didnt come on to attack you, you came for advice and sometimes we'll get things we dont like to hear but you asked for outsiders points of views.

 

you seem to have answered your own questions and be sure of what you want so im glad you've figured your things out.

[Boricua7]

I know you weren't trying to attack me or anything. It's hard to hear (in this case, read) some things without getting on the defensive.

 

Like I said before, thanks for the advice.

[Huntsman]

it's not because of him, it's because I find it hard to trust anyone.

 

= you don't trust yourself.

 

 

we just both needed to step out of the relationship and do our own things for awhile.

 

= sex with other people.

 

Anyway, he was really wasted and forgot to call me when he got home like he promised he would.

 

= probably with another girl.

 

I went to his room and there was a girl in there.

 

= yes, exactly.

 

I am extremely upset that he did this.

 

= you want his sex for yourself.

 

I know he is sorry and that nothing like this will ever happen again.

 

= it will happen over and over again.

 

The thing is we're not dating. He's free; he can do whatever he wants. Then again, we're not broken up for good. We're just separated for the time being.

 

= you are mismatched. you both see it as your right to explore your own sexuality. you both want a collection of sex buddies. you have become each other's sex buddies. but you want too much control over him. you are mismatched.

 

So the question remains: should I be upset?

 

= yes. you are a woman. find a weaker man to stay at home for you and continue to have sex with your sex buddies.

[Day_Walker]

You have an emotional connection with this guy and you are still being intimate with him. Of course you are going to be upset but I dont think that you being upset is justified because of the status of the relationship.

[Hope75]

So the question remains: should I be upset?

 

= yes. you are a woman.

Huntsman, sexual equality. Sexual equality, Hunstman. Have you two met?

[Boricua7]

Huntsman, sexual equality. Sexual equality, Hunstman. Have you two met?

 

Thank you. I kind of found Hunstman's response to be a little out there (for lack of a better phrase) myself. Unlike men I'm not in it for the sex, my ego is not shot because he was with another person, and I do not want to have a "sex buddy". Duh I want his sex for myself. I happen to enjoy being the only person in someone I love's life. How about that? About finding "a weaker man to stay at home with me", what in the world does that mean? Are you implying that a man is only strong if he does whatever he wants with the woman he is involved with without consideration for her feelings?

[Huntsman]

Unlike most men, I'm not in it for the sex,

 

= yes you are. we all are.

 

Duh I want his sex for myself.

 

= what I said.

 

I happen to enjoy being the only person in someone I love's life.

 

= but you'd like to have many men in your own love life!

 

Are you implying that a man is only strong if he does whatever he wants with the woman he is involved with

 

= yes

 

without consideration for her feelings?

 

= no

[Huntsman]

hope:

 

the sexes aren't equal!

we are composed of different stuff.

when you realise this (or real man shows you) you will enjoy your sexuality infinitely more.

 

x

[DN]

I do wish that people with obviously limited experience but infinite naiveté would desist from speaking for an entire gender, race or any other group of people.

[Boricua7]

hope:

 

the sexes aren't equal!

we are composed of different stuff.

when you realise this (or real man shows you) you will enjoy your sexuality infinitely more.

 

x

 

Huntsman, please stop posting in my thread. You give men a bad name.

[Hope75]

I do wish that people with obviously limited experience but infinite naiveté would desist from speaking for an entire gender, race or any other group of people.

 

My sentiments exactly.

[Boricua7]

Unlike most men, I'm not in it for the sex,

 

= yes you are. we all are.

 

Duh I want his sex for myself.

 

= what I said.

 

I happen to enjoy being the only person in someone I love's life.

 

= but you'd like to have many men in your own love life!

 

Are you implying that a man is only strong if he does whatever he wants with the woman he is involved with

 

= yes

 

without consideration for her feelings?

 

= no

 

Get it out of your head! Not everyone thinks like you do. I do not want to have "many men". I just want one, the one I love. That's it. Like I said before, stop posting on my thread. You're not helping.