She hates my Guts now

[Danny H]

Jesus, for those following my story:

 

 

I have just had a phone call from her, I had stupidly signed into to a chat program where she hangs out and got talking to some people ( who unknown to me, realised who I was- I didn't try to hide where I lived or anything- I didn't know these people knew all about me). anyway while she is on her 3 day party trip she has heard via PM That I was on there.

 

She went ballistic , and I understand her feelings BUT:

 

The vitriol that was thrown at me, that for 17.5 years I crushed her down, and stopped her doing this or that and That I was the love of her life, but ignored her and made her get deeply depressed and that she said I got her depressed to further my aims of ignoring her.

 

Then her friend said That " If I let her have her own life, we wouldn't be in this mess"-

 

 

A friend who has let her down constantly- makes me mad

I am so confused, how can I be accused of ignoring her, and yet be also accused of stopping her doing things.

 

When I met her I was relativly successful, I must admit I was so in Love these last 17 years that I let my friends go, I let my job slip a little, I just cared for us.

 

When I met her she had few friends I had loads,

 

Now I find myself in debt, with no family, nowhere to live, My best friend goes out with her friend so is hard to talk openly with. My other friends have fallen away ( some didn't get on with her so were given the boot)

and I have lost my wife.

 

And What really upsets me is that she thinks that for 17 years I didn't love her.

 

She seems to have created this false reality where I was the bad guy, and where every friend who ever let her down, is somehow better for her than I- the person who stayed through years of depression, just hoping things would get better.

 

And now as she springs out of Depression, and starts to party- I'm the bad guy.

 

I just can't get my head around any of this..Help

[DN]

She doesn't hate your guts. She's mad right now but that is not the same thing.

[darkblue]

Hate is a strong word.

I don't think you did anything drastically wrong to her. Just let her get on with things and give her space.

[Danny H]

Now she sees you talking to others and getting to know what they like and what-not and feels anger that you didn't do that with her.

 

 

I think it is more to do with invading HER space, when all i was trying to do was not feel lonely.

 

I didn't tell these people who I was, I didn't ask any questions about her or her Internet "friend", we just had a nice chat about the cello-lol

 

I also think you are right I didn't hear her, I was blind to her unhappiness, and that is also making me feel bad, because if I knew I could have tried to do something instead of put my head down and plough on, hoping we'd get through it like we always did.

 

I meant my vows when we were married, through thick and thin- i believed them- but that was easy because I loved her, I was just rubbish at showing it, obviously

 

 

aggh

[Cherokeelion]

I wish I knew how to help. I get calls from my ex now where she will ask a few questions, get her answers, leave me flustered and hang up. It takes every bit of willpower I have not to call back and say" what gives?? ". It's a feeling I know well Danny, that of just trying not to be lonely and working on the issues you now see. You're... not alone on that one.

 

I'm guessing you, like myself, don't have a clue how things will turn out. Give her the space she needs... no matter how hard it is and it IS hard. Be realisitic in that it may not work out as you want, no matter what you do. The best thing to do I'm discovering now is... to fix what you can fix, yourself. Fix your life, be proactive instead of reactive and putting out fires after they get too big. Try to regain control of your own life, that is half the battle.

 

My ex is like a lot of women, she likes security and she also likes to know shes cared for. That is different than being cared for. All you can do now is be receptive to her... don't push or invade her space, that will set things back farther than any progress you might have made. I wish you luck... put the kids first, your ex might or might not be back but they will always be your kids.

 

By the way, I have discovered that the internet can be a nuclear bomb in a fragile situation such as the one you are in. Use it wisely my friend... that is one thing you can control. Put it this way... I've been there. What is the reputation for chat rooms? All I've ever heard is that they are pick up places and sources of potential trouble... I'm guessing your ex didn't like seeing you there partially for those reasons, especially if she feels insecure about how much you truly do care about her. I blundered down that path too and got clobbered accross the forehead with a verbal two by four by my ex... in retrospect I saw what she meant. You may love her to pieces Danny, and it's really hard being apart. Accept the fact that you may have messed up... you're human.

 

It's what you do now that counts, keep trying. If you make another mistake, learn from it and keep going. Remember, getting yourself square is the best thing you can do... for yourself and definitely for your ex if she decides its worth it to try again.

[Danny H]

thanks cherokeelion,

 

In my head I feel we are broken forever, in my gut I think there is still another chapter to write but that it is in the distant future, when all concerns can be addressed and dealt with.

 

But who knows?

 

I haven't been intimate with another women for the 17 years we were together,

I know I should heal first before I try to date, but In India I have to do my best to meet as many people as possible ( just platonic)- and you never know maybe there is another out there to help me ease my pain.

 

Probably not though, as I'm so obviously broken at the moment.

 

 

Best

 

Dan

[onmyownagain]

Danny,

 

Like I said to you before, get out of there and make her miss you. As you know it worked for me, I couldn't be happier now we are back together, but at the time of the split she was sure we were over forever and I was making her fill trapped. Funny what a couple of months apart can achieve.

[darkblue]

I don't believe in using NC to make your ex miss you. I think it should be used purely to heal.

 

However, Danny is in India right now - hopefully having a great time!