My Confused Lover Came Back But Is Real??

[Confused1981]

Hi guys hope u all had a good new year!!!!

 

U might remember me breaking up with my lover of 35 (im 24) for the about the tenth time just before xmas.

 

Anyway here is the story:

 

I met my lover 2 years ago we fell in love instantly, she has 3 children from a previous relationship and he has always been interfering, infact after 3 months we split up and she got back with him for a few weeks, but realised that she loved me and got back with me, he has always tried to get back with her, and it has caused me and my lover to argue and split alot, although on at least 3 occasions of us splitting up i have been the perfect boyfriend and she has just split with me for no reason , but has always ended up getting back with me, i asked y she does get back with me & she said she gets back with me cuz she loves me and misses me, i always ask myself y split in 1st place? Well just recently i started a thread, cuz she had just split with me again just before xmas and i was deverstated, cuz we were supposed to b spendin xmas together and she changed her number, anyway 21st december she contacted me & asked for me back then 2 days later she changed her mind, and said she needs to b sure, i didnt hear from her until the 27th then and she was saying how much she missed me and loved me and we met the next day, it went ok, but i didnt hear from her until new years day next, wen i went round and got on really well, then i saw her the 3rd got on well, and then she gave me her number and it seemed if we seein each other again, saw hre last night, was the best night we had inages she was so loving , more than me for a 1st, we made love and it was so nice 2 b like before its like we have got back together, even planning a holiday next month, i left late last night and her last words were, ring or text me tomorrow!! Anyway once again i do not know where i stand , i have rang her twice and text her today and i have had no reply, she seems to b ignoring me again, but i dont want to keep ringing and annoying her, i dont know what to do! She might not have credit to text me back, or she might have but she might not want to speak 2 me, shall i call her?? or shall i let her come 2 me even though it might b her phone? I seriously need help on this 1, i dont want to blow it and drive her away, but at the same time i need to know where i stand!! What shall i do guys???

[rosstheboss]

hi

i dont want to sound so negative but i honestly think you should move on. it looks to me like she is lonely or just misses being in a relationship, no matter who it is with. she obviously has feelings for the ex, why are you wasting so much time and effort over somebody who treats you like this and who keeps going back to the ex?

 

think about yourself, does this make you happy? i hope not! then why continue? if she is interested she'll come to you.

if she comes to you play hard to get that way you'll be able to tell how serious she is.

[karen95]

this woman really seems to be quite cruel to you. i think that you need to give her an ultimatum and tell her that you are going to be together, or you are not. this is not fair on you. i think it would be better to try and move on from her that to take this treatment.

Or maybe you should start playing hard to get, not always be there when she calls. And not always taking her back when she calls. Text her today and tell her that you need to think things over, and make her wait for another reply. i think that if you were a bit more independent or aloof, and was not always there when she called and seem to be having a great time without her she may be more intersted. she sounds like the type of woman who does not know what she wants, comes back to you to make sure that you are still there for her, and then leaves you again, only to resurface to take yoiu back for another while and make sure that you are in the background waiting for her.

[RayKay]

Confused....

 

As I told you before, you need to cut this woman out of your life. She is toxic. It is NOT healthy to break up SO many times, and for her to leave you and return whenever it is convenient so she can run back to her ex. She is very messed up, and it is only bringing you down.

 

Stop worrying about "where you stand" and take a stand! You DO NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT! At all. There are so many lovely, amazing, AVAILABLE, women out there whom would not play with your heart, or leave you and return as it suits them....why are you wasting your time and just hurting yourself over and over again?

 

She's toxic.

[Confused1981]

it does feel like i am there for back up sometimes, but i geniuengly believe her wen she says she loves me, i am certain she loves me, but i think u are right she still doesnt know what she wants after 2 years!! And for some reason she doesnt want to love me, she tries her hardest to move on, it never works, she says her ex (the father of the children) made her miserable wen they were together, she has told me that i make her happy, but can smother her sometimes which i suppose i am guilty of, but i guess its cuz i try to make her happy so hard and totally disragard my life, but im thinking of myself this time as well as her, i really love her and want to make this work so much, shall i call her in a min??? She cud of been in the bath this morning wen i called, and she may have no credit (she didnt last night) Do i call her now?? or shall i call her late tonight??? or shall i leave it until she calls me?

[karen95]

i think you should leave it until she calls you. i dont think it would be a good idea to run after her.

[Confused1981]

i spoke 2 her yesterday and she put the phone down on me after about 10 mins, i think i have worked out a few of her issues, a problem seems to b the financial security she is getting from her ex, he has the power, basically he is giving money each week if she is not with me, and wen he doesnt give her money she takes it out on me,her words yesterday was "he has to help me cuz ur not going to help me" I left her for a few hours then, and phoned he again, and she said y havent u phoned me till now, really dont know what to do about this, or say to her, she is totally relying on her ex for money, so he has a great deal of power, it puts so much strain on the realtionship and she will not do thing through the Child support agency, maybe cuz she still cares for him, but she is shooting herself in the foot!!! Please give me some kind of advice on this, i know she loves me and is happy wen she is with me, but there are so many complications!!

[brando]

confused,

i think you need to let her go. It doesnt sound like she is willing to unstrap herself from her ex. She is too too dependent on him, and what good does it do you?

 

If you feel this is the way you deserve to be treated by a woman then by all means continue playing her games.

 

When you finally decide you want more from a woman your involved with then you will know what you need to do.

 

be well,

brando

[Confused1981]

just spoke 2 her again, she is so flipant and i think it is cuz she doesnt know what she wants, she asked me what i want i said i wanted her back, but not smother her this time, just see each other a few times a week, i asked what she wants she replied i dont know, so i said to her if you feel like a chineese and a dvd tonight let me know, said i loved her and wud always b there for her, i dont know what to do now, shall i call her after work , shall i call her later tonight? or shall i leave her to contact me? (and i know she has credit)

[karen95]

i really think that you should not contact her now, just leave it until she contacts you, however long it may take!!!

[RayKay]

Confused....

 

She has left you, and come back 10 times before...do you HONESTLY believe that she will stick around this time? No, because as soon as it's an inconvenience she will be gone again.

 

Seriously, LEAVE her. You can tell her "it will be different" all you want, but look at past experience. No one changes overnight. You or her.

 

You are truly wasting your youth, these should be fun times, great times, not spent chasing a woman whom treats you like her puppydog. Get in control of your life again.

 

You should NOT call her. Why? What does that prove but you ARE still clingy. Leave.

[Confused1981]

yeah ur probably right i feel like i am pestering her a little, just cant stand the fact that her ex might b trying it on again , well i know he will b, is she ever gonna walk away from relying on this guy??? Y cant she rely on me, i will always b there as well, but she says she is happy with me!!!!

[RayKay]

yeah ur probably right i feel like i am pestering her a little, just cant stand the fact that her ex might b trying it on again , well i know he will b, is she ever gonna walk away from relying on this guy??? Y cant she rely on me, i will always b there as well, but she says she is happy with me!!!!

 

If YOU are happy with someone, would you leave them 10 times?

 

Why are the rules so different for her?

[Confused1981]

i seriously need to decide what im going to do about this, it is stressing me out so much, she needs to make a desicison and stick to it as well because she has told me she is loosing sleep she gets head aches, cuz she is up thinking all night, i know she loves me, but i guess there must b factors that are holding her back 2 settle down with me once and for all. I have told her to b more indepent so she doesnt rely me or her ex, but i dont think she is determined enough to make the change and commit, i seriously need to sort this out now, shall i give her some space and let her do some thinking alone???? (which she probably wont do cuz she will b in contact with her ex if i am out the picture).

[Confused1981]

but y does she keep getting back with me??? i always think it is cuz she loves me and she realises she has made a mistake!!! I can hear what ur saying but how do i finally let go and move on???

[RayKay]

but y does she keep getting back with me??? i always think it is cuz she loves me and she realises she has made a mistake!!! I can hear what ur saying but how do i finally let go and move on???

 

It's because she knows she can use you.

 

When someone realises they made a mistake, they apologize, they work on the issues that led to mistake in the first place, and they don't make the MISTAKE AGAIN! It's no "mistake" she breaks up over and over, at 35 do you not think she would LEARN from her "mistakes?".

 

You let go and move on by making a CHOICE to do so. You say enough, I am not going to remain in this toxic rollercoaster ride anymore, and you MOVE on. Because it certainly is NEVER going to change at this rate. You are going to find yourself in another year still being dumped over and over again, even more defeated, with even lower self esteem, and she will STILL be walking all over you again.

[Confused1981]

but i cant see what she is using me 4??? Wen i say 2 her u are using me, she gets really offended!! She doesnt use me for my money cuz im quite tight with it, maybe its the sex!! I miss the sex wen im not with her maybe thats a major reason i keep going back to her, the sex!!

 

She has always said it not just the sex tho, and i know what she means, i mean this all started out as a casual relationship , but feelings creeped in, i fell in love and so did she. Do u think this is wrong?? Is there any future in this?? and if not y cant we enjoy a few more years together??

[RayKay]

but i cant see what she is using me 4??? Wen i say 2 her u are using me, she gets really offended!! She doesnt use me for my money cuz im quite tight with it, maybe its the sex!! I miss the sex wen im not with her maybe thats a major reason i keep going back to her, the sex!!

 

She has always said it not just the sex tho, and i know what she means, i mean this all started out as a casual relationship , but feelings creeped in, i fell in love and so did she. Do u think this is wrong?? Is there any future in this?? and if not y cant we enjoy a few more years together??

 

She uses you for her ego. She uses you because you are there. Because no one else would put up with this crap honestly, and she knows it. So she comes back to you again and again, and leaves again and again, because another man whom knew their worth would not put up with it.

 

You have not answered...if YOU loved someone, would YOU leave them over and over again? Do you want to be treated this way the rest of your life, and waste out on meeting someone whom is NOT confused, whom you CAN find a reciprocal love with, whom does NOT break your heart every couple months, and run back when things don't work out with their ex?

 

After two years, there should not be this back and forth anymore.

 

It's pretty clear you don't want to move on, which is your choice. So then go through this back and forth another few years if you like it so much, but then don't be so surprised that she will leave again, and again, and don't be surprised when in 10 years you look back and realize how much time you wasted and how many wonderful girls and how much true love you missed out on with someone whom was SURE they wanted to be with you and SURE they loved you.

 

NO sex is worth that, especially considering there are plenty of other people you can have sex with, AND a stable. loving relationship with.