Fearful of Divorce Pain

[kenneth05]

I have seen the pain that people I know have gone through when they get divorced. I don't know if I can handle it. Please PM me if you want, can anyone who has been through divorce or is in one now help me?

[novaseeker]

Feel free to PM me if you wish.

[LiquidCherry]

I've been divorced for almost a year now. It sounds like you're already hurting even though the actual legal aspects of the divorce haven't started yet. Divorces are painful and it doesn't really matter who files, it still hurts. I know I felt a sense of failure and disappointment along with the pain. It takes a lot of strength to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy or is unhealthy for you. It takes a lot of strength to hear that your partner no longer wishes to be with you. It takes a lot of strength to leave a relationship and move on. You have this within yourself, to do what is right and best for you. Focus your strength where it needs to be.

[blueangel]

My parents went through a divorce and it was awful for me. The two people that I felt most comfortable to be around were split... and so I felt I too was split. When with one, I missed the other and when one got new lovers, I felt strange in my own home.

 

It turned out to make me come out stronger but my mom would cry every night and you cant just shake an image like that.

 

There was a time when you two were in love and happy. You have the ability to still recognize that person as they once were and be able to talk to them. There isn't a reason why those breaking up shouldnt also help each other with it at the same time. If your once significant other won't treat you with kindness or consideration, remember what it is that made her love you. Not to win her back but to remember for yourself who you were before all these difficulties arrived... and maybe what besides her made you happy. (if it IS a her, that is)

 

Good luck

[Dako]

It hurts like hell for both people, regardless of how it begins.

I don't think you should base the decision on how painful it is. If you can't find a way to make marriage work, it's the last resort.

 

You can probably handle it, but you might not be the same afterward.

It's a real strange trip.

[Relationship Coach]

Kenneth,

I'm sorry for what you are going through but there is a great upside once you turn the corner and realize that your past marriage was a chapter of your life and behind you.

 

I went through a horrific divorce which took the better part of 4 years, start to finish. I can tell you this, I am remarried to the most wonderful woman in the world, we have a 3 month old son and I have never been so in love. Now back up 4 years ago and I was a wreck. My son who is now 12 was being raised at the time by wife's BF. He knew he had to win her over with being good to my son. He took him places and was constantly buying him things. Even at an early age my son was very smart, he told me about his mom's BF's dealings. Next thing you know, my son brings over all of these toys, some still un-opened and says "dad, can we take these to the poor kids, I don't want them, no one can buy me." Well I was elated and blown away by this and yes we did take them to a shelter.

 

My point is Kenneth, the pain is no where near the pleasure! We always hear of the pain and little about the pleasure, ironic isn't it? A failed marriage does not mare you for life, unless you let it. The death of a relationship can take time to get over, much like the death of someone close to us but we do get over it. Are they still in our minds and hearts, yes but that's just to serve as a reminder of where you have been in life and where you are headed now. I have limited contact with my ex, all involving our son and her 2 daughters that I raised as my own from the ages of 2 and 4 still until this day. The girls are 19 and 21 and I care for them as if they were my own.

 

Think of it this way, if you had a cracked tooth and where in need of a root canal and crown. Would you endure this physical pain and discomfort, knowing that it is temporary so you can soon be pain free and able to smile at the world once again?

 

I have faith in you and we will be hear to help you through it.

[kenneth05]

](*,) A friend has quote Dr. Laura to me recently. "In mariages in trouble hope is just disappointment delayed." I think this is a paraphrase, not an exact quote. Any comments?

[novaseeker]

Dr. Laura is a crackpot in my opinion, but as for the phrase ... I dont think it's always the case. You can turn things around, but it takes both people wanting to turn things around, a large capacity for forgiveness and a large capacity for changes on the part of both people. So it's an uphill battle, to be sure, but not an impossible one ... I think the quote is a little too categorically cynical for my taste.

[lawandorder]

I started a divorce in Jan 05 and it was suppose to be the same as done in April of 05. But we still lack some legal crap and its been a year for the final to be signed. But that is the leagal side. But as far as pain. It will hit home. It can due alot of damage if you let it. There are two forms of Divorce. first is the legal side of it. Second is the emotional side. The pain can get pretty bad at times. Really dont know why but it does. Its like when you have a death in the family and you get really down about it. But sometimes it can be worse since the person is still around and you can see them and hear of what they are doing and so forth. But you have to depend on your friends and family and lean on them and use them to keep you busy. Keep you from thinking so much. Focus on you and no one else. But use this forum to talk to people as well. there is always someone on here with the same feelings that is going through it or has been through it. Advice here is worth its weight in gold if you really listen to what all is being said. Wish you luck my frined.

[kenneth05]

I can't seem to take any action at all and I am terribly frustrated.

[Dako]

K

The pain you are going through doesn't have an end in sight, does it?

After 6 months, I can see a future forming. Although different from my past, it has many advantages such as freedom and growth. Not really as bad as it looked a while back. Once you move on, things will feel like your single days, but with more understanding of yourself

 

At times, it really sucks, but you can come here and gripe to these patient people. I do it a lot.

PM me if you like.