I want marriage and he doesn't, but we love each other...

[Elle]

so much. My boyfriend and I get along so well. The only problem is, and it's a big one, that for the past three years we've dated, I have wanted to get married and he hasn't. When we first got together he told me he could see himself getting married and having more kids. (He is divorced, had a terrible marriage, but has two twins to whom he is an awesome dad.) But now, he says he never wants to marry again. Ever. I keep hoping he'll change his mind. One time--just once--his girls told him they wanted a mommy at his house, just like they have a "dad" at their mom's house. He said he would consider that. I asked him later why he said that, and he said in a really quiet voice, "Because I thought I might want to." Anyway, that gave me a bit of hope, but now, because I have been overly moody/emotional, he says he never wants to marry again. In the past three years, we have broken up about 5 times, and it is always for this same reason. We have tried to be just friends, but end up going right back to being in a relationship? What do you think I can do to stop the cycle but still stay close to him? He is one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose him, but I just turned 30 and I want to get married and have kids before it is too late!!!

[taken]

i think he is scared of the same thing, with his ex wife, happening to you two. i think he is insecure with the whole marriage thing. i mean if you had a horrible relationship would you just jump and do it again? i think he is afraid to commit to you because he is scared that your relationship is gonna go the same way that his did. (with his ex wife) i can see that happening. have you tried to talk to him about it? if not you should. it might help a little bit. ask him why he doesnt want to marry you.

 

i am terribly sorry i couldnt be of much help here, as i have never been close to marriage, much less in this kind of situation. i hope you can forgive that.

 

good luck.

[CamaroJoe]

Breaking up a lot is not a good thing. My relationship ended after 3.5 years just 2 months ago. during our relationship we must have broken up like 20 times. But u said he was married before and it sucked for him. so he's probably scared to do it again. Maybe he doesn't want to go through the pain of another divorce because no matter what, u never know what the future has in store for u. I'd just be patient and give him time. If he sees that u are willing to stick by him no matter what, he might eventually come around and be willing to get married.

[twistedsilk]

Hi

 

Seems to me you've invested a lot of time in this guy and you clearly love each other dearly---BUT you have got to do what's best for YOU.

 

So he's scared---big deal. A lot of people (myself included) have gotten hurt but we move on. Why can't he? I think you should let him know your needs in a calm, reasonable way--but be prepared to walk away or if that's too drastic, start dating others.

 

In fact, maybe a little competition would help him make up his mind?

Those "games" are risky tho'----but whatever you do, please don't be passive and just keep dreaming/hoping.

 

 

In short, be compassionate, be kind to him but look after your emotional needs too.

 

Hope this helps---

[Elle]

Hi Twisted Silk,

 

Thank you for your reply. You know, last Nov. we broke up for 3 mos., and during that time I dated a lot. He was really jealous, and when I started coming around again, he loved me more than ever. He said that he did, and that he appreciated me more than ever. But when I make myself available to him, he isn't very nice. It seems the meaner I am, the better he treats me. It drives me crazy. I have brought up the topic of marriage, and he is scared because of his divorce. Right now we have come to another breaking point. I went to a baby shower and felt really bad, called him, cried, and said this isn't fair to me. So now we are once again going to try to be "friends." But this time, maybe just over the phone, because if we see each other, we go right back to acting like we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It's frustrating. But you are so right! Competition really changes his attitude toward me! It worked before, so it may work now. Thanks again for your reply!