My bf and swingers sites

[bellamelle]

I am surprised at how similar my situation is!

dating my bf for 2.5 years now. We have a pretty stable rship - no outward issues than I wish our communication was better. he was previously married many years ago, which ended abruptly because she cheated.

well...

I was at his house for most of the day this past Sunday - and

wanted to check my email. He had left to go workout so

I was the only one at his house.

well - the dropdown list of last sites visited

included all normal ones (msn, cnn, espn, etc) but one

stood out and there were about 3 of them for

link removed.

so i clicked on it and it asked me for the login name

because it said it logged me out due to inactivity.

It was a sex and swingers site.

and it wasn't just a random pop up or anything because

i checked his internet cookies and the website and

links within the website are in his cookies, and in

past history from weeks ago, even.

 

so out of curiosity, (at my home) in order to see what

this site is all about, I had to create a user name,

so I did - and I was browsing on it, and basically -

it is a PORN site, and instead of headshots of

individuals looking to meet someone to date, these are

pictures of peoples penises and stuff looking for

others to meet for casual sex, and even married

couples looking for other couples to have sex with. I

was so disgusted. I don't know if he is on it or not -

but it is bothering me tremendously.

and just on new years day he asked me if I'd like to

start going to church with him, and well - the way he

is around me totally doesn't fit someone who'd go to

this type of website.

 

what should I do?

[RayKay]

bellamelle,

 

You certainly do have the right to be concerned. Adultfriendfinder is tricky as it sometimes does pop up (for a while there it would log in my files somehow...and I was living on my own and NEVER visited it!) but if you are finding a history and it in the drop down menu (which generally means it was typed in), thats another matter. However, I have also known of people whom would get EMAILS from aff telling them they were members and to confirm in order to get them to the site. Weird stuff, it's a very "spamming" site from what I have heard and seen.

 

While normally I would tell you not to snoop, it seems that it was pretty upfront in the address bar!

 

When you signed up, I am assuming you did not find him on there then?

 

I think you are going to have to just ask him about it. Don't be accusatory, but mention that when you went to check your email, you did notice it in the menu and were bothered by it.

 

He may have also just been curious (I mean you signed up because you were curious right?) and had no intention of actually going anywhere with it...maybe a friend told him about it, maybe a pop up came up and he clicked, whom knows. It does not necessarily mean he is cheating at this point, or even active with the site.

 

Communicate, if it seems totally out of line with his personality, give him the benefit of the doubt if he deserves it.

[bellamelle]

thanks Ray,

your post made me feel a bit better knowing that this AFF site can violate a computer with popups and attach it's nasty links in a web browser.

 

in the dropdown history, it wasn't a simple link removed like it was typed in, it was like that and a bunch of other gobbly gunk in the address, like a link to a link to a picture to another link, etccc.

i doubt he typed it in, it just proved to me that he was "there"

 

so maybe I have nothing to worry about.

 

i would never know how to bring it up, you know? i don't really notice any outward signs of straying with him, in general - I am a very "untrusting" person. I have trust issues - I'm constantly suspicious of one thing or another.

He blatenly looks at attractive women at restaurants, sidewalks, etc and it bothers me.

he also has a box filled with old photos of him and another girlfriend and his old wedding ring. He doesn't know I know of this box but I wish he didn't keep it. it makes me feel like he still has feelings for this past person.

 

ugggh.

[Hope75]

Hi Bella,

 

Can you just be honest about it and tell him that you were checking your email and saw the link?

 

You don't have to be accusatory about it, but you can ask him about it.

[LostInMyThoughts]

A few things I wanted to share from my personal experience.

 

Regarding the box of photos, I'm going through a divorce, and I actually got rid of all that stuff (I saved the wedding ring though) because I thought that any woman who would see it would think I was stuck in the past. I talked abou this with some friends, who are divorced and they said they kept that sort of stuff, because of the memories. So you have to ask yourself why are you uncomfortable with him keeping memories of his past. If you two broke up, would you want him to erase you from his memory?

 

As for the AFF, I have an account there too. It was mostly a curiosity thing. After many "500 horny girls in , want to eff you tonite." I had to visit the site. In order to view the profiles you have to have an account. I'm pretty sure the site is 100% bs, but I created the account anyway. I'm not saying its a good excuse though.

 

Now to the bigger question, would you/do you have a problem with your bf looking at porn? I consider these two issues as being one in the same, but I can understand that visiting AFF looks like he wants to cheat on you.

[bellamelle]

well, i think that he would be angry at me for using his computer without asking him. that's all.

i remember way back in the beginning of our relationship, i had asked to use his computer and he said no - why do i need to, and that i can use my own when i get home.

i was a little taken aback by that one since if someone asked if they could use mine- i'd say no problem!!

[bellamelle]

no, and I guess I wouldn't want him to erase me, should a breakup ever happen. If I found out he was just looking at porn, I would be a little less disturbed, but disturbed nonetheless. Porn bothers me. i'd never look at it because it makes me very uncomfortable and kind of ill.

it would bother me if he looked at porn. i'd feel like i'm not attractive enough for him if he has to look at that stuff.

 

I am sorry about your divorce. I think you should keep some sentiments (the good stuff) but put it way out of view of curious eyes

[Beec]

OK, first, why he is there is the big question. If he is out trolling for women to hook up with, then there is nothing to really discuss, as I see it.

 

If he is looking at this site for titillating purposes and not seeking women, then I'd have less of an issue with it. That becomes for all practical purposes looking at porn. Which is a different issue.

 

You know where he is and you have some description of him? Have you looked to see if he is advertising. If you can find him, maybe you see if he wants to hook up or look at what he is interested in. It seems to me that he did probably told you to stay off his somputer because he did not want you to find this stuff. I think you need to investigate.

[LostInMyThoughts]

it would bother me if he looked at porn. i'd feel like i'm not attractive enough for him if he has to look at that stuff.

 

I don't want to change your opinion regarding porn. It disturbs a lot of people. But it isn't about you being attractive or unattractive. It's a quick release. Men are very visual when it comes to sex, so having the visual stimulation helps arouse us. It's much easier to look at porn then it is to go back into our minds and bring up images of our sig others.

 

You don't have to answer this, but think about it. Does your bf have a problem being aroused by you? I'm guessing no, so I dont think your attractiveness is even a question here.

 

I am sorry about your divorce.

 

Thanks. I'm so glad I found this place.

[bellamelle]

ha ha, no arousal problems!

[annie24]

well, you never know what his reason was for going to that site. A friend of mine met a guy through link removed, and she told me to look him up so I could tell her what I thought of him. Well, at the time, to see his full profile, I had a make an account.

 

So, you never know. It could be a similar thing. One of his friends may have met a girl on there and just wanted to show him who it was. Or, it could have been just curiosity.

 

Talk to him about it. Just be like, "sorry - I had to check my e-mail, I was waiting on an e-mail from my boss, but I came accross this website..."

 

see what he says.

[annieo]

Maybe it is due to my past bad experience but a guy saying you can't use his computer is a red flag to me. I think that I'd let anyone use my computer and have full access. So if someone you are in a relationship with will have sex with you but not share his computer that doesn't seem right. It can only be because he has something to hide. Whether that is just looking at porn or other things it is something you need to know about before you continue your relationship. You don't want to be in a long term relationship with someone you don't know everything about do you? After you know everything then it is up to you to decide if it is something you can live with or not. I guess what I'm saying you need to ask him and he needs to be totally honest with you.