Do we always learn from a breakup? Any thoughts?

[Setter5]

My story:

 

I apologize for the length of this story, but a thread topic sparked an interest in all of your feedback. Thanks.

 

Recently, I was dumped by a young woman who I met a couple months after her and her ex split up. They had obviously planned on a life together since they both had been living together, owned a house together, etc.

 

We met and immediately felt a connection. Before meeting her, I had spent about a year of my life being alone and feeling good about it. I knew that time had helped me realize myself and what I wanted.

 

So at first we clicked emotionally, physically, and most importantly, as friends. However, I realized the importance of her working through her old relationship...especially since this guy had moved to a different state but she still lived in the house he abandoned.

 

I was going to be her friend no matter what. So we were friends, we were partners, and we certainly did not jump right into it. We had some bumps.

 

I chose to trust her. We even stopped talking after about 6 months because we "were on different sides of the same street" so to speak. I knew that the time could only be a good thing.

 

Then we contacted each other, I expressed my love for our friendship and the romantic relationship I wanted. She mirrored my interest.

 

We got back together and I had the most supportive, happy, adult-like relationship of my life. I had great influence on her, encouraging everything she did (she stop working part-time jobs, got a career going, and also got back into school-which she admitted had everything to do with my support).

 

I met her family, we took trips, we talked everyday, rarely fought, and even in those rare cases, we could laugh about it, look each other in the eyes, and enjoy our time together.

 

So I hope most of you realize how satisfied, but more importantly happy and fulfilled I felt.

 

Her life was becoming hers again...the only tie was the darn house she still lived in. The old guy hadn't showed up since he left, meanwhile she may have rebounded with me, but after a year and a half, we had a full-blown, Happy, relationship with good, healthy breaks for only a month or two.

 

Plus, she was actively trying to sell the house via her own real estate agent.

 

Then at the peak of our relationship (when we were confiding in each other, spending time with families, talking about the future, jobs, etc.) she gets a hit on the sale of her house.

 

Instead of feeling insecure or worried about her ex, I felt excited and genuinely happy for her, for us. This was the last tie. The issue had never come up as I chose to trust her. But now, she was leaving the last tie to what she always referenced as a "man with issues, a bad relationship."

 

The timing seemed perfect...I took her on a weekend trip for her upcoming birthday. We had a great time.

 

But only 5 days after taking her on a birthday weekend trip filled with romance and fun...she calls to inform me that her ex has called and wants to discuss the past, implying that she is probably going to get back with him.

 

She put the decision on me, which was very unfair. My decision was to leave as I have never been so disappointed in someone in my entire life. It was a make or break decision, and I chose to break it knowing I can compete for someone, or be on the backburner.

 

So we hung up and I felt numb. I couldn't believe it was happening. Weeks went by. I called one or twice and simply asked for an explanation, the one I never really got in person (but on the phone all of sudden). She didn't even answer or reply, treating me as if I did something wrong.

 

Then she emailed me to only say that she needed to look at this for her own closure or clarity. She even said that she was doing things for herself, and isn't that what I always preached to her, throwing that support back in my face. But she never gave me an answer.

 

More time passed. So one night, knowing that she was to be out of her house within the next couple days, I drove down to get an explanation from her own mouth...to only find the ex was officially back, staying there.

 

What's weird is that they still sold the house. They didn't just go back to their old life.

 

I asked for a civil conversation that actually ended violently. She acted as if I was nothing and pathetic. My pride and my mouth said something very hurtful. She hit me in the face. He then runs out throwing things at my car. This was a completely different person than I had ever known.

 

Mostly, I could understand a break up and moving on if we dated for a couple months and it didn't work out. But after a year and a half of pretty much only good times, serious talks, families, trips, and being intimate, she dropped me like changing the sheets.

 

Her family members even admitted to not liking this guy, saying he had serious issues.

 

Is this an exception? She obviously has issues. Does what goes around, really come back around?

 

I know I can't have her back, and frankly, I don't want "that" back, but I would love to feel redemption. I realize time helps, and time being alone helps more.

 

It's difficult for me to learn from this, since there were no true warning signs, or fights, or insecurity clues.

 

My family says that this is just one of those things I will never figure out.

 

It pains me to think that I supported her through all of her accomplishments, her pain, and herself as my friend, not only girlfriend.

 

So the dumper came back to the dumped in this case. The dumped, despite making great strides and meeting someone she admitted to having a connection that she has never had with someone, still went back at the drop of a hat.

 

Was is simply the house and the thought of that type of commitment?

 

Who pays? When do we know? How do we chaulk this one up?

 

I'm new to this site, but I would greatly appreciate any thoughts. Thanks.

[DN]

She was angry because she felt guilt.

 

The probable explanation is that she never really got over the ex and when he wanted to get back together she made the decision that he was the one she wanted. And then she didn't have the simple courage to tell you the truth.

 

It's hard for you - very hard. But now you should do your best to put her behind you, heal and move on to someone who loves you and wants you as much as you love and want her.

[brando]

my theory is that some people are too proud to admit they've made a mistake.

so this woman knew within herself her relationship with you was better than any other, as she told you (the connection factor), but because she wasnt over with the ex, her actions (unrecognizable to you) was her was of justifying her decision within herself.

 

its a theory, but sounds close to what happened in your situation.

 

The sad thing is how long do people go on in life with this pride, and perhaps letting something good and true slip from their lives.

 

hang in their, u may never get a true answer to the infamous WHY???????

 

be well

brando

[Setter5]

Thanks. I realize I will probably never get the answer.

 

I've just been so hung up on how she could do this, be this type of person.

 

How could she become fully engaged in a healthy relationship, a rewarding and happy one for a year and a half. Then simply dismiss it? It hurts.

 

I worry because I chose to trust her, I was secure, I was happy, and their were no warning signs. What does that mean about my next relationship? That risk just sucks.

[Danny H]

Man, that story just shakes you to the bone.

 

Surely she should have sat you down and explained how it has come to this, she owed you that much.

 

Best

 

Dan

[alonebutnotlonely]

Sounds like some people just have a SWITCH that they can turn on and off in an instant. Same thing happened to me after almost 3 years. We were like you in the taking trips, having FUN and everything that comes along with a "Good" relationship. Maybe some things are too good to be true. I do believe that we find ourselves with certain people when we need to be with them. Have you ever had a relationship that good? I had not before. A friend of mine remembers me telling her 7 years ago that in my next long-term relationship I did NOT want to fight. So, she said to me the other day that I accomplished my goal and I just thought.......WOW, she was right. I believe he was in my life to teach me what I really want- plus more. Long story short- I wanted more and he was comfortable the way it was (living together). It hurts too much to talk about sometimes, but it does get easier. What upsets me the most is now I am going to question my judgement. You said you chose to trust her- there is nothing wrong with that, but trust is earned. Maybe we both will be more cautious next time around.

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry you are feeling pain!

 

I hope that over time it will heal your pain! I honestly have no response to why she left you for a man who broke her heart. But I think I can safetly say, that some women, are more confused about themselves and how they truly feel.

 

I think that if he hurt her once, he will do it again. And she will go back to where she feels most comfortable. So she might end up returning to you for comfort, But you need to be strong. If you do choose to get back together with her at anytime, please make it known you will not be treated like yesterday's trash. Make her work for it. Dont be mean, but be firm!

 

I think the reason she went back was closure. If it were me, and I was happy in the relationship, then I would ask my "now boyfriend" if I could talk with the ex in private, to see what went wrong? and why the ex left.

 

But that is just me!

[Setter5]

Thanks.

 

I wish she would have treated the situation like you would have. What's crazy is that when she originally called me (on the phone which shows her fear or lack of respect), she said she felt she owed it to herself that she listened to her ex and his thoughts.

 

She didn't however make an attempt to want to simply explore this and keep me abreast, consider me. If I can remember correctly, she was basically leaving the decision to me, and I have to be confident that saying I was out was the right thing for ME to do. Don't you agree?

 

Even then, I still never got an answer...and well, when I did...you all read the result.

 

I know I shouldn't even think about it, but I often wonder is she will be happy, if she is happy? Right now, I can only hope she is not.

 

My natural reaction.

[wwj]

Hi. I hope I can shed some light on your situation. My ex and I were together for 4 yrs. He dumped me two mths ago. We have only spoke once since he left, and it was not a "good" conversation.

 

We lived together. He left the house and moved to another state. I have many friends, neighbors and family members who are soooooo glad he is gone. They all hated him. I have dated since he left, and it was terrible--due to me. All I can do is compare everyone to him.

 

Now, he was what most people would consider a "loser"---a starving artist. And many of the guys that have pursued me since he left have been very successful. That means nothing to me. Success, accomplishments, possessions----they do not match the chemistry, the love. It is very hard to explain, but, if I shut my eyes, I can just barely remember, his skin, his scent.....the love I felt for him will probably never be matched again.

 

So when you say that you two had a wonderful connection, etc, etc, believe me I can understand that. I have always been a person who could talk for hours to anyone. Guys always love this---not b/c I am a chatterbox--b/c that is quite annoying---but b/c of the depth of conversation on many topics. Many guys have felt that connection with me and I have never wanted anything more than a friendship with them.

 

I can't get involved with anyone else at this point b/c it would not be fair to that person. But, all of my girlfriends have moved on this way. They find another that they can connect with, and hope for the best. Most times it works. They have a better relationship with the new guy. However, I can tell you, if I would have had the balls to let another guy in at this point, and then be with him for a yr or so, and suddenly my ex would come back for whatever reason---oh, I'd be a wreck. I would have to be with him, b/c he is the love of my life. And I think that you may have to face this about your ex g/f. Her ex may treat her terribly and dump her again, mine would probably do the same b/c he was stubborn, tempermental and arrogant. So, one could say that we should be glad that men like this are gone and find someone better. Sometimes, even if a person is not great for us, we still love them---faults and all.

 

I hope that I shed some light on your situation. I feel for you, I know it must be hard, but, realize that if he dumps her and you take her back, she really will never view you as the first choice. I would never want to do this to someone, and that's why I will probably be alone for a very long time.

 

And if I ever stop loving my ex with the passion that I do, I will surely post that here to let everyone know that you really can get over the true love of your life.

[Setter5]

wwj:

 

After reading your reply, I have to say the last couple sentences make the most sense.

 

Thanks for being honest. This has been very difficult for me because I witnessed some of this pain with her, and could sometimes sense it despite the fact that it didn't hinder things on the surface.

 

But you're point about even if he does dump her (which statistically will happen)...if he does dump her, and she comes back, it ALWAYS means I was second.

 

Sometimes I wish I could have met her after she had gone through the healing process on her own.

 

Timing!