Keep having dreams of my late dad

[Tears May Fall]

I had posted a week or so ago about how my g/f broke it off with me shortly after my dad had passed away earlier this month, and you can refer to that about the story of my life the past couple of months. He basically had a quick, painful death from pancreatic cancer at a young age and it was extremely shocking to all of us.

Now lately i've just been having these dreams about him, about him never having really died and that it was all just a bad dream, no pun intended. He is either cured from cancer and alive and healthy, or he doesnt die when he did and is still alive and im still able to see him. It makes me happy through the night to be spending more time with him again, but then when i awake, i am only more sad and in grief.

I occasionally also have dreams of my ex g/f, but theyre mainly negative dreams of me seeing her with a new guy or having another encounter with her and expressing my anger with her. This also has a degrading effect on me upon waking up. The other problem with her and I is we are now also coworkers and i dont know how to deal with that situation.

In someways i feel like sleeping all day, and in others i dont feel like sleeping at all. This is very troubling and i need some help. I dont know if i should seek counseling regarding this. Is this normal to be having these sort of dreams in this situation? Is it an indication of anything? Any help would be appreciated

[Wimpy]

Hey I can only recount my experience and hope it helps. My Dad died suddenly in 1999 whilst I was away on holiday. I never got back in time to see him before he died.

 

I had EXACTLY the same kind of dreams as you. He was alive and well. In some of them I was even "aware" he was dead but knew that he wasn't..that was weird.

 

The dreams carried on on and off for a long time and were very regular.

 

In fact, I'd been away scuba diving when he died and it wasn't until I went back to that (but not the same place) a few years later and dived again that the dreams stopped.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. My take on it was that it was my unconscious mind's way of working things out and slowly coming to terms with things. By the time I got home I was several days behind the family in the grieving process - in fact I didn't even know he'd actually died until I landed back here...I knew he was seriously ill but not that he'd died.

 

Hope this helps - as for the dreams with the ex. Weird on that. My ex dumped me last April in an e-mail - long story - strange thing is I've not dreamt of him once that I'm aware of. I was so glad of that - perhaps my mind knew I couldn't cope with dreaming we were still together and then waking to find we weren't.

 

Sorry if this isn't much help.

[Tears May Fall]

Yea i had those dreams where in the midst of my dream id see him walking around and i'd be like "wait, i thought you were dead, what in the world is going on." My dad basically died a slow death, in a hospital bed. I had gotten to see him one last time the night before he passed and i was the last one that had seen him, and i still remember his last words and they keep playing in my mind over and over, "you know that i love you too much." Its killing me all these thoughts, memories, dreams, and just living in the reality that i will never see him again. I miss him so much, and I really dont see things getting better.

weird how your scuba diving had a way of playing into your dreams, i dont even understand how that worked its way out.

I really dont know how to accept it because my dad just wanted to do so much before he died, and he kept strongly saying he's going to be alright, and the poor guy didnt make it. He didnt deserve to die like that, and it gets me really angry(i punch walls and throw stuff at times) when i think of him laying in his bed, not being able to move, not being able to eat, weighing barely 90 lbs at his death, but still smiling.

[Wimpy]

Hey I think that whatever you feel is totally natural, normal and to be expected.

 

Remember that death is not what we're set up for as humans so it's hard to come to terms with it - even more so when the person is young.

 

Perhaps trying to find someone to talk to professionally would be of help. I'm for the UK and I know that such things can be arranged through your Doctor - not sure if that's how it works where you are.

 

And remember - you're still very very early on in this - don't make too many demands on what you "think" you should be feeling and try and talk to someone - friends/family etc.

 

The fact that right up to his death he was convinced he was going to be okay indicates the kind of guy he obviously was.

 

It will be hard but it will get better and eventually you'll be able to think back on the good times and not feel so bereft.

 

Look after yourself.

[Tears May Fall]

Thanks for the advice

[RayKay]

As others have said, it is VERY normal. Your brain is still filing all the information, your heart is still grieving, and all these thoughts that brush through your mind in the day, need to sort themselves out at night.

 

After my boyfriend died, I dreamed for a couple months he was still alive, and it was heartbreaking every morning to wake up without him there. I still have dreams of him every now and then, but they are different now, took on a new approach. I had one where he even told me he was proud of me, and wanted me to move on.... and that he was alright, so in some ways I even believe it is more then your brain just doing it's job, but that somehow they are helping you to move on even when they are gone.

 

You are still grieving. There is no timeline for it, or certain order. Once you go through one stage, it does not mean you will not revisit it again. You can be angry and sad at the same time, it's a process, and no one but you can tell you how YOU should feel.

 

No one 'deserves' to die like that, but they do deserve to be remembered and loved. Your father sounds like he was very strong, and he said he would be alright, and you would be, not just if he lived, but that he was ready, perhaps he believed that there was more to come, and he was alright with being relieved from the pain.

 

It does get better, I promise you it does. In time, it is not the memories of him dying, but those of him living that are the strongest. That you realize he lives with you everyday. That the lessons you learned, the love he had, live on. It does get better.

 

It's your choice whether you want counselling, it can help. There is lots of grief counselling out there in both private and group settings that can help the children, or partners, friends, parents of those whom are gone. It may be something worth looking into, just to even see you are not alone in your feelings.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I went through a similar thing in 2002. I had just gotten together with this guy, we were going really well together, and my stepdad died. He broke up with me as soon as he found out. Of course this just amplified everything I was going through, and I ended up hating him for it... seeing if he had gone through the same thing I would have been there for him.. I guess some people just don't care.

 

When you lose someone you love, it does feel surreal. You think maybe it's some sick joke someone is playing on you, even though it's not April! When my stepdad died he had to get flown to a better hospital. Only my mother went down there with him, we had to stay at home. It does take a while to settle in. Don't think that the road is going to be easy. Just be there with your family and help each other through.

[hosswhispra]

Tears May Fall,

 

My father died over a year ago of cancer, too. I dream about him often. In the beginning the dreams consisted of him being very ill and then dying...during Christmas week I dreamed of him twice and I saw him well--the way I remember him before he got cancer.

 

I think that our dreams of our fathers are a way of going through the necessary grief process. In our every day conscious lives, we grieve---but I think our dreams are also another method of grieving. It also is letting you as well as myself know that our father's are watching out for us from above.

 

hosswhispra