wasnt sure where to put it

[thispaininside]

hi, i had an internal monologue in my head the other day, telling me the world was going to end in 10 days, which is tomorrow (tomoz being the 2nd) it told me people were going to descend from the sky and turn the world upside down and walk away. That is a random thing, but the main reason inm posting is because i cant interact with nyone without being annoying or hurting them. I did a very stupid thing last night when i was drunk. I regret it so much, and it also hurt one of my best friends feelings who likes this guy.

Basically everything has been going wrong the past 3 days. and so i know tht the internal monologue i had was write, coz its more metophrical, the world isnt gonna end, its gonna be summit like me running away or me killing myself, or even worse summit else happening for people to hate me. I just dont know what to do, i didnt think i could hate myself more than i did before. I feel so dirty.

I just want it all to go away. So im leaving in some wy whether it be running or killing myself, tomorrow

[DN]

There is an alternative to either one of those options.

 

This is a New Year - Make a new beginning for yourself. Take a look at your life and the parts of it that haunt you and decide to change them. Instead of giving in, or giving up - give yourself a chance.

 

Talk to people on here who can help you sort through the bad things and make the good better. Or find some help locally. There is an old military saying "Only reinforce success, never reinforce failure."

 

You can reinforce your successes and make your life a victory.

[Relationship Coach]

TPIS,

Tell me about what you did and why? There are many ways to right wrongs and make things better. Suicide solves nothing and just brings more pain for those left behind.

[Shadows Light]

Tell me more about yourself. How old are you? Do you live at home with your parents? how long have these internal conversations been going on? Whats going on at home?

 

Sounds like you are very depressed. Often times when we feel depressed we do hurt the ones we love very much. and then feel remorse afterward.

 

Have you thought about talking to your doctor about these "internal conversations" "intruding thoughts".... you may want to consider that first before running away.. which does NOT solve anything. Or before taking other drastic measures.

 

Tell me a little about yourself and lets see if we can figure this out.

[Mrocza]

It's always easier to run and escape your problems than it is to face them head on. It takes courage and strength and heart to get through life in general...and it's ok if you feel you don't have it.

 

Life is not all sugar and spice. Sometimes s*hit happens. You make mistakes, others screw up, something happens you can't control. Perhaps this voice was just you, kind of foretelling what was happening from recent events.

 

What did you do to your best friend?

 

Either way, trust me, we ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I've done some pretty stupid stuff thatmade me want to dig a hole too lol, but it's not the solution. You're just confused right now. You're hurt too.

 

Maybe everythings going wrong the past few days, but it's no reason to run away. You obviously don't want to. You just don;t want to face the consequences (I don't think anyone really does

[thispaininside]

im 17. i live with my parents. Im a sixthform student. Im bisexual. I always try to help people, but end up hurting them. Dont want to talk to a doctor. The internal monologue was me, but it was like it came from sumwhere else but i know it was me. But i believe it because I want the world to end. I dont really want to say what happened as sum1 knows my enotalone name and knows me, i dont want them to know.

[thispaininside]

Also last night as i hated myself i used a staple gun 10 times on my finger

[thispaininside]

please answer i need help, i wanna stop feeling like this

[thispaininside]

Basically, lottie my friend walked in on the guy she likes josh fingering me. Ill put up the email i sent her, as it may explain stuff to you. note that im bi

 

Right ok, You want to forget about this. So do I. When people are drunk it's hard to make any kind of desicion about anything. I know you like Josh, so im not going to make everything seem like it was him. The only thing i will say is Martinique and people were helping me get away from josh quite alot last night. It hurt me knowing tht you like him so much, and yet he still chases other people when you're the most amazing person I know.

I know you dont want to know this at all. But, when you walked into that room, you did see correctly. It's not my place to lie to you. Now I want to explain why etc. As i say josh had been following me around all night sending me texts wanting me to meet him in a room. I shrugged it off because I dont like Josh that way.

After a while i'd had more to drink, obviously. Desicions become hard then. I really wanted you to see that ur worth more than josh. I had no idea how to do this though, Im not going to say this is the only reason why what happened happened. But that was partly i. Lame I know. I didnt think about the consequences fully though. I mean who does when they are drunk. I guess it was a hurt to save kinda thing. But i know in your eyes it is not at all like that not even now.

At one of uhna's other parties when you and Josh got together and when u were walking me to Albion street and I was in a really weird mood. You thought it was because i liked josh. I want you to know it is not Josh I liked, it was you. Right, I helped you and Josh get together, that was before I realised he was slightly untrustworthy. I helped you and Josh get together as I knew it would make you happy, and thats what i want more than anything for you to be happy. Despite me liking you at that point, I got you 2 together as i knew thats what you wanted. What happened last night happened the same reason, you kept saying how much you were hurting because you didnt know what was going on in joshs head and if he is interested in you. Well yes he is interested in you, but I think you may want something different from what he has to offer. I know it was the worst way to show you what hes like. (As i say it wasnt the only reason it happened so im not gonna lie and pretend I did it all with good intentions. coz i was drunk.) But im hoping that you have now noticed you deserve better than that. But now im sober, it's your desicion, in no way was it right for me to intervene. I just want you to be happy in the long run.

I would explain the other reasons to why, but I dont really see the point in that. I just wanted to explain the one part of why it happened because its the part that affected you.

I'm sorry for hurting you, Im sorry for maybe ruining our friendship. I hope you can forgive me more tha I can forgive me. I think it's safe to say that I have never done anything so stupid in my whole life. And I do quite alot of stupid stuff.

I dont know where im gonna hang out now, coz i dont wanna hurt you anymore than last night. I ope in time I can come back and sit with you. Depending on whether the 2nd of Jan 2006 happens of course.

I wrote you a poem the other day lol, random.

If there anything I can do to help our friendship back to normal, please tell me.

 

All I can say is we all make mistakes and do things we regret. This was a horrible mistake. I didnt think I could hate myself more than before, but I do. I just hope that next time when I like a friend as much as I like you, id never ever ever do something like that. I feel so dirty.

 

Sorry

[KweenofDenyl]

First you need to promise us that you are NOT going to harm yourself today OR tomorrow. Then we can figure out a way to help you-whether it's just exploring options for outside help or here. Please let all of us know you are okay and not going to harm yourself.

[thispaininside]

im not going to harm myself

[thispaininside]

She replied to my email with this

"well i have read your email many a time, and all i can say is that i do forgive you because you are my friend and u shouldnt stop hanging out with us because of it. i wont lie to you i felt so empty an hurt, but thats life eint it, so lets put it in the past an start fresh, plus i have been speaking to a guy lots who i get on well with so i dunno and i believe in fate n things happen for a reason so hey ho its life, but ont worry all is good xxxx"

 

I still feel so bad, and i keep replaying things in my head. I think i know what the end of the world meant now. and tht little monologue "people will descend from the sky and turn the world upside down." I was the person descending from the sky (down in society and respect) and i turned the world upside down (lotties heart). But now im wondering what is going to happen today. I still dont fully know, because the last bit of the monologue said the people who descended from the sky would turn there backs and walk away.

[thispaininside]

ok, im feeling really bad right now. i think the world is gonna end right now. not the world but me, i think im about to end. help me this is my last cry out for help. just help ok please

[darkblue]

The world is not going to end, and you are not going to end.

You are going to talk to us.

 

Name the problems.

[thispaininside]

i dont know, everything and nothing i guess. the person i love, i hurt her i hurt her bad. i disgust myself

[darkblue]

She forgave you and offered you the chance to start afresh.

Be thankful that you have that second chance and don't dwell on the past.

[thispaininside]

too late. im going sumwhere on my bike. dont worry I wont do anything daft, not intentionally.

[thispaininside]

my parents know im going, ill be bk soon, just need to clear my head

[thispaininside]

im bk. i made friends with a cat lol

[KweenofDenyl]

I'm glad to see that you heard from her. It sounds to me like you might benefit from visiting with a counselor/therapist, and maybe find some help for your depression? Is this possible?

[thispaininside]

I really want to, but i dont feel comfortable with going to the docs and saying. hi i betrayed my friend, im bisexual. i self harm and i thought the world was going to end yesterday hardy harrr. so the str8 jackets...do they come in blue?

I dunno. i know im mad, thats the worst thing, i know im going psychotic, i dont want to, i have fears that im skitzophrenic, for once i just wanna be normal, see things like everyone else does. not see a deeper meaning not think about things so much. i just wanna be like everyone else without as many worries as me. people always tell me i worry too much. but i cant help it. ive lost friends because im too "deep".

I'm just not sure what to do. I start sixth form again tomorrow. i have no idea what im gonna say to josh or lottie, i just dont know.

[darkblue]

Oh please, doctors have heard worse than that.

 

Just say that you want some peace of mind, and that you haven't been feeling yourself lately.

The doc will then provoke you for response - and you can gradually tell them what your fears are. They can confirm them if they think it is indeed schizophrenia.

 

You can't do this on your own.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yes, it may be schizophrenia...or, the first signs of onset, meaning it is important you get it checked out.

 

By bizarre conincidence, I spent a few days ago terrified and upset because i was *sure* the world was going to end. Its scary what the mind can do...but thoughts cannot kill you, i find that a helpful mantra sometimes.

[Wild Child]

Hi!

 

I agree with you relationship coach!

 

MYL

[Wild Child]

If you're comtemplating suicide, I would like to know why. Everyone needs a reasonable explanation for wanting to commit suicide, as suicide threats are often a last-ditch cry for help. It is thereforeeee imperative that I offer to help.

 

Suicidal situations are often caused by confusion as the person feels lost in a sea of frustration and problems. Suddenly every speedbump seems like a mountain to cross and confusion is clouding your ability to rationally judge the seriousness of the problem you ought to deal with. Try to identify the crucial problem that caused you to feel the way you do.

 

I suggest you talk to the people close to you about what you're going through. Then confront Josh about what happened (if you haven't already done so). Confronting Josh will help you deal with the guilt of what you both have done, as it isn't only you that did wrong. You have to think about any other alternatives (other than suicide) to cure your problem. Seeing suicide as the only way of ending your problem is proof of an irrational view. Think rationally.

 

And let's call this phrase: "The argument for life over death" - You surely don't want to hurt your friend further by erasing yourself out of her life, do you? By "ending" your problem (through suicide) will cause your loved ones' problems on earth to start. It's easier for everyone else to deal with your flaws than it is to deal with you NOT BEING THERE AT ALL!!!

 

Good luck!

 

God Bless!

 

Wild Child _ SA