Should I dump my selfish, cheating Girlfriend?

[Guinea-Pig]

I'm worried that my gf is taking me for granted and that I'm getting a bad deal out of the relationship - I really want to know what other people think because i'm too embarrassed to tell any of my friends the details.

 

We're 22 & 23 and have been together for four years. I'm really crazy about her, and I think that's the problem - she's realised that even if she makes no effort I will still adore her, so surprise surprise she takes me for granted, and IMO treats me badly.

 

The main problem is sex. She hardly ever used to be sexual with me, blaming it on her stressful job. Then she quit the job and for a while things were fantastic, with frequent and exciting sex. But now she's just slipped into her old useless habits, and the more I get frustrated and complain the less she sleeps with me - we've only had sex twice in the whole of December. Ideally I would like to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day, but realistically 3 times a week would be fine, is that asking too much? She admits herself that sex with me is great, but she hardly makes any effort to try to be intimate with me, she often pushes my hand away when i try to touch her, and she won't wear sexy lingerie or even be naked with me usually. When we go to bed she just puts her pyjamas on and rolls over, just like a damn kid, like no-one ever told her that when adults go to bed there are other options besides sleeping.

 

Also, she insists on being allowed to sleep with other men occasionally. She hasn't actually done this yet (I know cos I tap her MSN, email and cellphone messages, oh come on do you blame me!?!) and probably won't do it much or ever cos she hardly has any friends and little social life, but it's the principle that counts. She says I can do the same if I really want to but I don't particularly want to, I want to have sex with her. I'm not happy with her not giving me sex, yet wanting to do it with other people, do you see?

 

What I think but can't admit is that she just wants to keep me on hold for later, just because I'll be earning a lot of money and she thinks she can have her way all the time, but I want to be her lover not some f***ing d1ckhead to be taken advantage of.

 

It hurts so bad that she treats me like this, I feel literally exhausted because of the constant effort I make to try and make her happy, not upset her, do and say the right things. I feel like i'm treading on eggshells, the slightest wrong move (such as "why are you in a bad mood with me tonight honey?") can (and does) result in tantrums, shouting and her threatening to dump me. I know it should be me dumping her but I can't bear the thought, once when she dumped/threatened to dump me i couldn't stop crying for half an hour, the first time i've cried for years and years, i just broke, i couldn't stop, and i had no-one I could talk about it with... which is where you guys come in!

 

I think that the only way to make her realise how rubbish she is being would be to dump her, then she would suddenly miss having me to cuddle her, spoil her, pay for the expensive appartment and bills, and tell her she's beautiful every five minutes and she'd hopefully regret everything. But then it would be too late and we'd be finished, which doesn't help me.

 

Or does it? I'm so paranoid and so scared about losing her, I don't think I'd ever meet anyone else I was so crazy about, I'd just be alone for years and years and possbly forever, luck has blessed me with brains, money, humour and talent, but unfortunately not confidence when it comes to getting girls, plus I'm not getting any younger and I'm not as handsome as I once was. What should I do? If i try and have an adult conversation with her about sex or her behaviour she puts her hands over her ears and won't take them off till I leave the room. When she's not threatening to dump me she says she loves me, and i believe her but she just doesn't seem to realise that a relationship requires effort from two people.

 

I've tried so ****ing hard to be the ideal boyfriend, I give give give and she is just take take take.

[RayKay]

There was another recent post about this, but it was a woman who's fiance told her SHE could sleep with other men.

 

I will tell you what I, and many others, told her.

 

If your partner is telling you to go sleep with others, it's a way to either excuse their own affairs, or to find a way to get out of the relationship. It is not healthy, it is not a "bonus" or something that will benefit your relationship. It will not solve any problems, or strengthen your bond. It WILL lead to distrust, to anxiety, and erode the intimate bond you two have together.

 

Complaining and nagging won't have her wanting sex more, so that was not right way to approach it, but it does sound like she is trying to absolve herself of any responsibility in working on these issues either.

 

I am very concerned she has made a DEMAND she be allowed to sleep with others herself. WHY is she in a relationship then?

 

You have been together a long time, so I know it is hard, but I think you need to search your heart and your BRAIN at this point, and decide if this is HONESTLY the relationship you want. I am sure you do love her, but do YOU feel loved in return? Do you feel safe, secure, happy? Like you can trust her (pretty apparent you don't...but just asking), and build a future with her?

 

You are selling yourself short sweetie. She is using you, and walking all over you. You are YOUNG, this is not the last chance for you to find love, and this is NOT the love you deserve, in any respect. In a healthy relationship, you should NOT feel on eggshells, your needs should not become subservient to hers, you should not worry about having to please her every second, every minute and live in fear lest you don't.

 

She is controlling and manipulative. She threatens to end things when she does not get her way. This is NOT normal.

 

Ending things with her DOES help you. You MUST MUST get away from this girl. She is hurting you, and I really know that given some time, you WILL see that, but first you need to remove yourself from this situation.

 

 

There are so many wonderful, respectful, loving women out there whom will love you for who you are, and not for what you can "provide" them, or demand their way or the highway. But first, you need to develop the relationship with yourself....love yourself. You may not be confident, but you will get there. This girl is keeping you trapped in a cycle of low confidence....because it suits her. She is truly immature if she cannot even handle an adult conversation or take the time to listen to you.

 

You are right, a relationship does take effort from both sides. But when someone is CLEARLY not putting any effort in, you need to make a decision to walk away, because you do deserve better.

 

Leave her. She is using you, and hurting you. She may call it love, but it is not. And you deserve and NEED to leave to find that true love. With yourself, and with a woman whom sees your value. You are worth it.

[BigSyke]

same spot man, but it ended badly.

 

She started treating me worse that i can explain.

basically if you dont drop it now, you WILL regret it! I went through the same delima! we didnt have sex for months! found out she was getting it else where like everybody was saying. Even though i chose to think it was a lie. it sucks! I wish I ended it because now im in the worse spot ive ever been in. I waited to long until she got another guy. Kept me on standby for a few days and ended it on christmas (hours after i got her a diamond necklace).

 

She is now with this guy and i am alone, only because i thought things would get better. If you dont leave her now you may be in the same hell hole im in. Dude i would do ANYTHING to get her back, but i tried and tried and tried till i almost killed myself. we were together for a long time, and she got over me in seconds. Read the signs, if you think shes cheating then 80% she is.

 

I wish i broke it off sooner man im serious, i would not spend my mornings, days and nights crying while shes having sex with another guy. You still ahve a chance to flip the script on her. If you wait till she gets another guy NOMATTER WHAT, its impossible to move on quickly and it will be the worst mistake of your life. Im sorry bro but its hard, take my advice i wish i walked away and never spoke again....now im heart broken and text her all day long with no response because im lower than low right now.

[Guinea-Pig]

Thank you so much for reading my too-long post Raykay. i guess you're right in everything you say.

 

I may be happier without her eventually, but I hate being single and i'm shy and unconfident around girls that I like - a bad combination really. I've been in a relationship for my whole adult life, i have no idea about dating women, I've never had to think about it. Oh well, there's a first time for everything.

[Guinea-Pig]

i'm sorry to hear that Bigskye, how could she do that? Thanks for the advice

[Jaela]

Hi Guinea-Pig,

 

It sounds as if this girl has become a safety net for you, even though she sounds extremely abusive. You need to have faith in yourself and realize walking away from her is not the end of the world. In fact, you are giving yourself a brighter future and the chance to actually meet someone who will appreciate you FULLY and in every possible way. It takes courage to walk away but this relationship is not right for you. She is manipulating and abusing you, and that simply is not love.

 

Leave now and have satisfaction in the fact you gave this your all. You sound like a wonderful, sweet man and you're depriving yourself of finding complete happiness. Stop allowing this to happen.

 

The answer is in you. And I have faith you will do what is right for *you*. Don't allow her to get away with treating you the way she does.

[Mr. B]

Should I dump my selfish, cheating Girlfriend?

I didn't really read your post, but judging by the topic title, it looks like you already know what needs to be done.

[john one]

I know from experience what you're going through. Let me say this bluntly. Right now, you're falling prey to your own weaknesses and fears. We're all guilty of it at times, but there's a limit. It seems to me like the limit has been surpassed by far.

 

If you're smart about it, you can learn a lot from these situations and they can make you a stronger and even better person. Listen to the advice of those who have gone before you. Listen to your best judgement. Don't let your emotions screw you over! To be in a healthy relationship, you gotta love yourself, and right now you're not showing yourself much love. It's tough for sure, but so is everything in this world at first.

 

A needy man is an unattractive man. Almost every woman I've known has admitted to this -my mom, my ex, my female friends, my current girlfriend, coworkers, people on this site. Right now, you are needy. The best thing to do is to strive to become a strong, independent, successful, kind, caring man who respects himself as well as others. The kind of guy that people respect. A man who lets his girlfriend walk all over him or treat him badly or unfairly is bound for a long path of negatives -neverending headaches, heartaches, stomach aches, regret, self-pity, depression, hate, more fear, etc., etc., etc...

 

If you get the courage to leave her in your past, and I mean really leave her, not just for a while to try and teach her a lesson -here's what will happen: after you end it, you'll be in pain for a while. It will seem like it won't end, but it will. At first, it will be hard to focus on things, but you'll get the hang of it before you know it. You'll start getting used to life without her. You'll think there's no one out there for you, but you'll end up meeting some girls that get your attention and are actually responsive to you -you'll be surprised at your own "luck". You'll filture out the ones that don't compliment you well and end up with one or more that make you question your earlier negative thoughts. You'll realize that the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" is true and that there is more than one person in the world who is right for us. You'll see that there's more to life than just sitting at home being in pain over one girl who doesn't even treat you well.

 

Watch the movie Swingers. It helped a bit during a tough past breakup (7 years). Focusing on work and my hobbies helped. Good friends always help too. Become who you want to become. Life's too short to be moping around for too long. One thing is for sure though -you gotta learn to live without this girl. You gotta stop giving her so much of your energy and start giving yourself more of that potentially good stuff. Be good to yourself. You're not helping her or yourself by taking all of her crap. If you saw a good friend going through the same thing, you'd probably tell him the same things...

 

Good luck brotha...

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry that you are going throught this.

 

Your griflfriend does already sound like she is ready to cheat,

 

And honestly I wouldnt blame you on taping her convos.

 

Maybe you should just tell her to get out. If she upsets you onw night, and you get extremely ticked, tell her to get her stuff and get out.

 

If you are paying for everything, and not getting anything in return then she is using you.

 

I know a guy who married this girl we will call them Rucky and Jessica. Jessica wanted a very expensive wedding, Ricky has been paying for the wedding for 5 years, 50,000 dollar loan. He bought this irl everything, a 6 bedroom house onthe lake, Cars, jewely, vacations. By the last year of their marriage she had been cheating on him for about a year. She not only physically abused him, but emotionally as well.

 

You are worth more than the way she is treating you. You can do so much better. Ricky is now divorcing his wife, and has been dating my sister for few months. And you know what she is treating him so well. You can actually tell a difference, from him then and now.

 

Please you can do so much better than this beast of a wormen, she is not respecting you, nor loving you the way a man should be loved.

[Danny H]

This is going to seem like crap advice after all the great advice you have been given above.

 

But If I could tell you to do four simple things to do right now they would be these.

 

1. Drop all alcohol, drugs or mind altering substances- you'll just go in circles

2.Join a gym- the company is good, the effects will give you a sense of self esteem, and the feel good rush will help you relax .

3.Sleep well and sleep to your quota, the gym will help here.

4.Eat good food, not fats and burgers, the brain responds well to good fuel.

 

Now if you concentrate on the above, you'll find you are filling YOUR day with things for you, and as the days go on you'll look forward to YOUR schedule.

 

And as the effects take hold ( very quickly) you'll get a sense of pride in what you doing.

 

Now Please understand that the advice above is from me, and I am not some sort self-help guru- I am a man who did the opposite to the above for to long, and the pain cycle just goes round and round.

 

You have to break that cycle, concentrate on you.

 

 

 

Good luck

 

and happy new year

 

Dan