We broke up but the reason is so confusing

[abcd1234]

Hi everyone,

 

This will probably be quite a long post becuase there is so much information required for you all to understand. Myself and my girlfriend (ex now) are both 16.

 

The other day i was texting my girlfriend and she said "can we meet up tomorrow to talk?". I told her that this worried me (becuase it was so uncommon for her to want to meet up to talk with me face to face), to which she responded that she had a few things on her mind that she needed to talk to me about. I agreed to meet up the following day.

 

We met at 3pm and hugged, then we walked to the coffee shop, during the walk there she crossed her arms over her chest and remained like that for the whole journey (as if she was trying to keep her hands warm), this also worried me becuase she almost always wanted to hold hands whenever we were together.

 

We got to the coffee shop and talked for a good 1/2 hour about what we had done over christmas, what presents we had given and received and stuff like that.

 

Then i asked her what it was she had wanted to talk about, she hesitantly asked me "couldn't you guess?". I said "no". Then she proceeded to tell me that her feelings for me have changed and that she doesn't feel the same as she used to. She said that when we got together she was afraid that it wouldnt work because we had been friends for so long beforehand, and that she thinks that those fears have been confirmed. Shalso said that sometimes just doesnt work out how we want it to, and that if it was meant to be then she would be feeling different.

 

I was shocked becuase this had come as a bolt out of the blue, we had both been really happy up to that point. We broke up and then walked back through the town, we held hands one last time, and went to find out friends who were also in town elsewhere.

 

We had only been together for a month and a half, we were both happier than ever when we first got together becuase we had had feelings for each other for quite a while beforehand, it was perfect. We have done loads of great things together as bf and gf - a number of parties, the school prom, many trips to the cinema, etc.

 

8 days before she broke up with me, she wrote me a letter saying that she was so glad she went to the prom with me and that she wouldnt have wanted to go with anyone else, and that she would never hurt me. A few days after that she got drunk with one of my friends and she told him that she loved me so much and that she was so happy that we were together. Now, less than a week later, she says her feelings have changed and she breaks up with me. I am confused.

 

I can respect her decision but i dont understand it, we havent seen each other an awful lot over the christmas period but thats no reason for her feelings to change. Less than a week ago she was telling my friend how happy she was (she is very honest when she is drunk) and now its over?! Sh told another friend of mine the day after we broke up that she hadnt been feeling this way very long (talking about her feelings changing).

 

I've written her letter saying that this has confused me and that i dont understand it and that i will find it hard to go back to being friends with her but i am willing to put in the effort to rebuild our friendship if she is (we were really close friends before we got together). She sent me a text saying thank you for the letter and that she is going to write one back, ill let you know when she does.

 

Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I dont believe it is possible for someone to go from being totally happy and into someone, to having their feelings changed, all in about a week.

 

Thanks

[PocoDiablo]

Hi abcd1234,

 

Here's my take on it:

 

The other day i was texting my girlfriend and she said "can we meet up tomorrow to talk?".

As soon as you said that I knew she was going to dump you. Big red flag.

 

during the walk there she crossed her arms over her chest and remained like that for the whole journey

Another big red flag. You were right in noticing this.

 

she hesitantly asked me "couldn't you guess?".

Well, of course you could, but you were wise to ask anyway lest you make a bad assumption...

 

She said that when we got together she was afraid that it wouldnt work because we had been friends for so long beforehand

Yup. It is very unusual for a woman to go from being friends with a guy to a GF/BF situation. I think it's because as a friend they see you as a psuedo-child and they can support you like a mother. Kind of a practice session for having kids. But not many mothers can have an intimate relationship with their child, hence why her feelings changed. You tried to jump from child to father, basically, and it usually does not last long.

 

We have done loads of great things together as bf and gf - a number of parties, the school prom, many trips to the cinema, etc.

Not that I need to know, but were you intimate? If so, this could have been a part of the problem. If not, the fact that you may have wanted to be intimate may also have been an issue. Again, same reasons as above.

 

A few days after that she got drunk with one of my friends and she told him that she loved me so much and that she was so happy that we were together.

And kissed him. Did she tell you that part? I am probably wrong, but for her feelings to grow cold so fast something had to happen, and I bet it was her cheating on you.

 

Uh-oh.....

 

Now, less than a week later, she says her feelings have changed and she breaks up with me. I am confused.

 

She told another friend of mine the day after we broke up that she hadnt been feeling this way very long (talking about her feelings changing).

Well, first, it's bad to get information second hand, because it's filtered, but ... yeah ... is it possible she cheated? Not plausible, *possible*.

 

Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I dont believe it is possible for someone to go from being totally happy and into someone, to having their feelings changed, all in about a week.

I agree.

 

What do you think? Who is this guy?

[darkblue]

Oh c'mon, that's not fair to say she was possibly cheating.

 

I think you should stop yourself from playing any games with her, and to sort out your own head - stop talking to her, or at least limit your contact.

 

I am not going to assume she was cheating. You have no real basis to say that.

She may just be confused or feel that things aren't the same.

It doesn't really matter. All you need to know is that she needs time and space.

 

Do Not:

Beg for her back; reminisce to her about old times or even talk about the past.

When you do talk to her - keep it light and be indifferent.

Protect your heart.

[PocoDiablo]

I was only asking ... it seems VERY odd for her to go cold so fast.

 

I agree - I would not beg to get her back. In fact I would probably just cut her off for now...

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Yeah i think you should leave this girl alone.. Dont talk to her anymore for a while.. Observe what she is going to do next

 

I also think a 16 years old girl could change her mind fast for something that doesnt worth it..

[Mrocza]

It IS odd for her to go cold so fast, but then again, shes young.

 

I'm not stereotyping but it's very possible that she could have just been infatuated and it wanned. Something happened to trigger it, or maybe she just thought about it and changed her mind. It happens. It sucks but sometimes when you're not really in LOVE with a person, it can fade as quickly as it starts.

[Bethany]

I think it's because as a friend they see you as a psuedo-child and they can support you like a mother. Kind of a practice session for having kids. But not many mothers can have an intimate relationship with their child, hence why her feelings changed. You tried to jump from child to father, basically, and it usually does not last long.

 

I totally disagree with that. As a mother AND a friend to many, I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought of any of my friends in that way. Support to me is standing strong by someone's side through thick and thin, being there to listen and advice but never mothering them.

 

Deep love when older and settled with a life partner and children makes you motherly and protective towards your entire family and so it should, but that is something completely different to what is happening here to two 16 year olds, I think.

[PocoDiablo]

I see what you are saying, but you quoted me kind of funny... like you'd have an intimate relationship with your children or friends? I am just saying that he went from a friend to being intimate, and *if* she was mothering him she would not likely want to be intimate. Right?

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

i dont think a woman " girl " could think of any man "boy" as little boy or as if she is his mother..

 

In the end a girl sees a boy of the opposite sex.. This is alone is a turn on in the universal laws of relations.. I dont mean any girl would see a boy she will like him.. But in the end this a boy and she is a girl.. i dont know if anyone can get the meaning

[abcd1234]

Not that I need to know, but were you intimate? If so, this could have been a part of the problem. If not, the fact that you may have wanted to be intimate may also have been an issue. Again, same reasons as above.

If you mean sex then no, we didnt get past kissing. When we first started going out we both agreed to take it slowly because she has been intimate with 2 guys before and i think she regrets it, she didnt want to make the same mistake again. I'm a virgin and was afriad to take it too quickly. Also, we are only 16 years old and we were only together for a month and a half, it would be extremely unusual for two people like us to be having sex within the first 5 or 6 months of a relationship.

 

And kissed him. Did she tell you that part? I am probably wrong, but for her feelings to grow cold so fast something had to happen, and I bet it was her cheating on you.

Ok, she did not kiss him, i know that for a fact. He is one of my closest friends and to be quite honest with you i think he would rather throw himself in front of a bus than come between us. However, your theory about her cheating on me is plausable, i dont think she would cheat on me, but i am thinking that she could have ended aour relationship becuase she found a better offer, i doubt it but it is possible. It wont exactly be difficult for me to find this out because i have a strong network of friends that are good friends with her as well, and they have promised to be completely honest with me if they hear anything that i deserve to know about.

 

I am not going to cut off contact with her becuase we hang out in the same group of friends, for us to stop talking to each other would not only be extremely difficult for the two of us, it would also be extemely unfair on all of those around us. Before we got together we were extremely good friends, we hung out and went shopping together and always talked for ages at school, we let each other in on secrets and shared our feelings when we were hurt. I hope that one day when we are over each other we can start to build back up towards that with honest intentions, now that we know a relationmship would probably not work. I know many of you will disagree and tell me to just remain polite but keep her at arms length, im not going to do this becuase i dont see the reason to end a relationship and a friendship when only one is suffering.

 

I also need everyones opinion on someone else, when you were all younger im sure that you talked to your friends and discussed who you had a crush on and things liek that. Before we had the guts to tell each other our real feelings she would always bug me about who i was interested in, this began getting to me becuase i knew that i would crack sooner or later and blurt out that i liked her. Instead of doing this i did something that i am ashamed of - i told her that i liked somebody else, just as a cover up, so that she wouldnt have to find out that the person i was really interested in was her.

 

You may all be thinking "so what?"

 

Well last night, me and about 8 or 9 of my friends went to a bar and met with some other friends that we know from school. Everyone got very drunk and it was a good night. In this other group of friendsthat we met with was this "coverup girl", i got talking to her and i asked her opinion on this whole sitution. I gave her the letter that i had written to my girlfriend and she read over it and told me that she thought it was a good idea for me to give the letter to her because right now is a time when we need to be totally honest with each other.

 

I decided to post the letter through my girlfriends front door on the way home and i wanted to do it by myself. However, my friends refused to let me go alone becuase it is a fairly rough area at night and i would have been asking to be mugged if i had gone alone. I told them that i didnt want them to go with me (becuase i didnt want them to see me in case i got upset or angry), instead i asked the "coverup girl" to go with me, she agreed. On the way to my girlfriends house i told het about the whole coverup story thing and she seemed ok with it, she could see where i was coming from. I posted the letter (at 3am) and then we began to walk back, on the way back we saw my good friends who had been waiting for us in case anything bad happened and we all thought it would be a good idea to walk the coverup girl home becuase she lived only a few minutes away.

 

We went back to her house and the four of us sat in her bedroom smoking weed, drinking and playing guitar. Nothing happened between any of us. But after we left i realised how much of an insensetive jerk i am...

 

When i had told my girlfriend that i liked this other girl (before we were going out) it must have hurt her. Also, she wouldnt forget this other girl while we were going out (shes the jealous type) even though i insisted it was just a cover up. Now, 3 days after my girlfriend finishes with me, i walk to her house with possibly the last person on earth that i should do, i then go back to this persons house and sit on their bed getting high. I feel like such a piece of dirt, even though we arent still together i feel like i have somehow betrayed her.

 

I feel nothing more than friendhip towards this coverup girl even though i dont know her very well (last night is the first time i properly spoke to her), but it still makes me feel bad. What does everyone think, have i been insensetive? or am i feeling bad for no reason?

 

It will not be hard for my girlfriend (i guess i should call her my "ex" now) to find out that this has happened, but i dont feel i should be the one to bring it up. While we were together she kept contact with her ex, i dont see why this is any worse and i dont see why she shouldnt be able to accept it like i did.