Just writing, tell me what u think

[daisy_rides]

Every now and then I write these retarded thing, I was wondering what u all thought of this one? here are two of them.

 

#1.

 

A scream breaks in the dead of night

The hunter has taken his first bite

The pain rushes through my veins

The agony makes me no longer sain

 

My bones freeze

The pain lingers as it will tease

My lungs fight for air

I can feel them beginning to tear

 

I'm so alone

I sit in the corner and moan

My lips are now blue

Now that I've lost you

 

#2.

 

You've played so many tricks

I'm trying to block you out with bricks

But somehow you always break through

This feeling is not new

You always knock them down

And I become once again, bound

You break through my exterior

And begin ripping at the interior

You strike as swiftly as a dart

You go straight for the heart

I'm hollowed out

Will this ever end?, That I doubt

You are now in control

Deeper and deeper you dig the hole

'I must stop you'

This said is nothing new

Will anyone help me?

Someone please set me free...

 

There pretty lame, I just wanted to know what you all thought. Thanks for reading them anyways.

[Babes]

I think they were good. You can only get better buy writing more. So keep it up maybe someday we will see you published.

 

(edit by SwingFox, deleted comment on "that was rude")

[pimpcess]

I thougt they were good, they come from the heart which I think is the most significant thing in poetry to make it good