lonely winter break

[mildgentleone]

I am having a lot of trouble managing my feelings of lonliness. I am so frustrated because I want to feel good, and nothing is working. a month ago I got dumped by a guy who I was seeing for 4 months. He just stopped calling me. and I tried to confront him but he wouldn't talk to me. Not having that emotional closure really made things more difficult for me.he went back to his old GF. what hurt me the most was I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and he told my friend it was psychotic, when really it was probably the most clearheaded thing i ever expressed in my life! he is trying to make me look like the obsessive chick so people think it was okay for him to dump me cold like that. (i think) and to make it worse I had a really good friend who is friends with him and now I feel awkward with her because she's so close to him. it makes me mad when she defends him and stuff. and I feel like i can't go to any function she has, or to any of the places I used to hang out because he'll be there (maybe). and I am hurt because he was a good friend for only knowing him for 5 months but we had lots of fun together and I miss that.

 

I have been trying to feel better, reading books, working out, I had my anti depressant dose increased a bit, but I don't feel better. The problem is that I have nobody there for me. my friends are ignoring me. I just got out of school and am on my college break. I keep really busy but now I have free time, and i'm lonely and bored. My friends aren't responding to my phone calls. Not a one seems glad that I have extra time right now to hang out. and I am hurt because I need someone to be my friend. have you ever felt like you give more to people than they give to you? that is how I feel right now. I have a feeling that maybe my friends don't want to talk to me because they think I'm going to talk about the breakup. so like I said. I have been trying to just do fun things alone and enjoy my time alone, but it is so hard to do that all the time. I put requests in for volunteer work to keep my mind off things, but that I'm afraid will not be a substitute for a friend. I have made attempts to make friends by asking people at school if they want to go to a movie or something, people say yes, but they never end up following it through. am I socially inept or something? I think maybe people don't like my assertiveness? I don't know I feel like I'm wrong, but I don't see how.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm sorry you're feeling down right now.

 

I'm kinda feeling the same way too, so I know it sucks.

 

I use to feel the same way, how I gave a lot of myself (I consider myself one heck of a friend), but I was always saddened that no one would put forth the same effort for me. That changed when my best friend really stepped up when I started going through my divorce.

 

It sounds like you are approaching your situation in a positive way; though I'm sorry your friends aren't making themselves more available.

 

Have you come out and been straightforward with one or two to your closer friends? Like telling them exactly how you feel and how much you could use a good friend right now.

 

It doesn't look like you are socially inept; in fact it sounds like you know what you are doing. Do you try and organize the movie, or do you just kinda let things happen?

 

Have you looked at craigslist? They have a section for activity partners. Maybe you could join a bookclub, or a cooking club, a local sports group;, a local group of photographers, or musicians. You'll meet people that are interested in doing the things you do, and thats always a good way to meet new people.

[ocrob]

What kind of friends will not talk to their friend? How long have you known these people? Do you have any old friends that you could talk to? Maybe you should call one of your friends and let them know that you could really use their support. I can't see how a friend could just bail on you like that. Find out if they are concerned about you bringing up the ex and let them know you are over him. As far as the antidpressants, have you been drinking? Drinking will keep them from working. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. I know how you are feeling. All of my friends are married and live far enough away that I don't want to drive there all of the time. My only friend in the area was my ex. I really have nobody local, but to talk to a lot of friends by e-mail. I don't even talk about my ex. I am friends with one of her friends and my ex never comes up. Good luck.

[pineapple_juice]

Don't take the rejection personally. Most people have a lot of social functions to go to over Christmas break, so it is unlikely that they will sign up for extra ones.

 

When I am lonely and have no one to go out with, I just go to the pool and go into the sauna or hot tub and talk with people there...we can have some really good conversations. Its an interesting way to finish the evening.

[jinxz]

ya i know how you feel, kinda going through the same thing and all. i too am on christmas break from college, was dumped 2 months ago (2 year relationship) and again, my friends are distant aswell, and its hard to be alone so much without anyone to talk to. and thisi s also the first time on this site that ive read that someone has an issue with closure. ive got the same problem, not so stonecold as in your case, but still the same principle. i just hope this break doesnt get anyworse for you (or I for that matter) just hang in there, maybe the new year will turn a new leaf. who knows.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

its ok you are feeling this way.. To be honest, i feel like this alot.. and i really mean it..

 

I know its hard to feel this way, but you need to keep going.. I also agree that they are not real friends when they leave you that way... Just have faith and patience.. you can make new friends in college.. now if you feel alone, its ok.. Nothing remains all the time.. Just relax and like yourself.. There are alot of people feeling this way everyday... Try to interact with people more and people will interact with you more also.. nothing comes in day and a night.. its takes time and patience..

[mildgentleone]

Have you come out and been straightforward with one or two to your closer friends? Like telling them exactly how you feel and how much you could use a good friend right now.

 

I have not come right out and said it. It is hard to do that. the friends I am speaking about have all been around for 5 plus years. some for almost 20 years!

 

ocrob: I have quit drinking since I came to terms with the break up. I was doing a lot of drinking while i was with this guy and when we were having problems (because I knew something was wrong) and I decided drinking was what got me where I am (I met him at a bar) and I should quit for awhile. I think possibly the depression is also due to the lower level of activity I'm involved in suddenly and the fact that I'm not drinking and going out (celebrating).

 

once I got to college which was 3 years ago I had to give up the party scene and hanging out a lot in general because I am always broke and busy. slowly my friends started to fade. I have never made good friend in colleg, I tried and tried. I invited people to the mall, for pizza, to movies, to my house....but I live 20 miles from my school and people don't want to drive that far. (i think)

 

this summer was my first summer with no classes. well I met a guy, but once I went back to school things started to fizzle. he started putting the stuff I care about down, because he has nothing going for him right now.

 

well then he started seeing his ex behind my back, and we started seeing less of each other. then one night he spent the night and I didn't hear from him again for two weeks. so I wrote the letter. I didn't know what was going on. we weren't fighting or anything. so then eventually he called and was cold to me on the phone. he tried calling a few more times but I didn't answer. then the next day he told my friend that I wrote him this psycotic letter and he was moving in with this other girl...so she called me and told me. I tried calling him, told his machine I wanted closure, never heard from him again!

 

my friends have said you're better off, and left it at that. one i have had for 20 years, she was mean to me the other day, nagging me abrasively that I need an STD test and that my happy pills aren't working. I told her I would get tested after xmas, because I didn't need the stress (if i really were sick) right now. ok, so this person cares about me, but she's not a good friend. she is engaged to her highschool sweetheart and has never been through a break up before. the rest are ignoring me, I guess they aren't good either. The friend I feel awkward with, who is friends with the dumper, I think maybe she'd avoiding me because she knew he was going behind my back and didn't tell me right away.

 

so this guy wouldn't return my calls, and now nobody will, can you kinda see why I feel bad? of course I realize that friends of mine have been through worse in relationships, but I have never ignored my friends, maybe not understood their problems, but always been there for them.

[mgirl]

Hey, i wouldn't take that he didn't talk to you when you broke up personally. He obviously wanted to get back with his ex-girlfriend and you were probably a rebound (sorry for being so harsh, but some people just use people until they get what they really want)...

 

But don't take it personally though. It is his problem. He probably just feels embarrassed by what he did or regrets it. Sometimes things just happen that are beyond our control so there is no need to character assisinate yourself or wonder "why?".

 

I know it is hard not getting closure, but you have to look at their life and wonder how chaotic it must be. It all catches up with them anyway. Just to give you an idea of how, read on:

 

I dumped Boy A during my final year of school for Boy B (because he was hotter). I never gave Boy A a reason, i simply told him it was over or slipped through the net somehow.

 

Anyway, years later (about 6 or 7), i ran into Boy A and he actually asked me why i had dumped him... I looked at him earnestly and said, "i don't know" and i really meant it, and i think this was a good enough excuse/reason for him. But the thing is, at the time, i was so mixed up in my own life, i did not even consider anyone else. I am not a bad person, i was just fickle and mixed up, so what i am trying to say to you is that these things "just happen". I know, it doesn't make it any easier, but if you really want to know, you will try to find out, even years later. Like my guy (Boy A) did... and, believe me, you will get your answer, and you will feel better. After that, you will probably never think about it again.

 

Oh, and the bit about your friends. Never ever worry about what anybody else says. You know the truth and that is all there is to it. It sounds you are at a turning point in your life. Maybe these friends are not good for you anymore and it is time to move on and make new friends. Life is a process of evolution, you have to constantly keep growing. Unfortunately, we do not have a say in this process, all we can do is meet the challenges head-on and grow with them. It is not part of human nature to be stationary for too long. If you are, circumstances beyond your control will force you to act or move on in some way.

[Gracelove]

I understand how you feel. I've been there so many times.

Your friends are busy, but do you have any family you can talk to?

I wish I knew how to help you.

In times where my friends didn't return my calls, I thought, maybe I'm suppose to learn how to be independent of them.

I know how it is when you are the one always calling and checking in on your friends, and they don't do the same.

You feel like you value the friendship more than they do.

Since I'm pretty much in the same boat, all I can tell you is hang in there. Maybe when you call your friends, or leave a message, just tell him/her that you are lonely or bored. Most people can relate to those feelings and are willing to do whatever they can to help out. Maybe you could introduce yourself to one of your neighbors that is around and on school break as well.

I'm sure there is someone else around you who is feeling the same way you do.

[ocrob]

Mildgentleone, you sound like such an amazing women. Good for you that you stopped drinking! It sounds like some of your friends care a lot about you, but are not communicating it in the right way. Your friend that said you should get an std test obviously cares. She sounds worried about you. She sounds judgemental, but she definitely cares. I would guess certain friends are worried about you and others want to go out and get crazy, which you are not doing. I have about five friends I have known for about 20 years. I may only talk to them or see them a few times a year, but they are my friends. People get caught up in their own lives. Especially, if they are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I have so many amazing friends, but I am all alone where I live. I love these people and even love their wives and kids, but I don't see them much. I guess it is my fault because I don't ask to see them. As the single guy, I expect them to invite me. Just realize these people are busy with there own lives. You should be so proud you are not drinking anymore. I drink way too much and know I should stop, but I don't. I know the reason I don't stop is because of boredom. It sounds like Gracelove would be a great e-mail partner. You should both support each other. I am here as well, but I am a guy and that may not feel as good. That sounded weird, but I will not explain further. lol Just hang in there. As far as liking Psychology and not business, maybe you can eventually help other people. I loved Psychology, but did not like the classes. I went the business route and now I am trapped in sales. lol It all has one serious connection. Know how to communicate with others and try to understand yourself. You have my support no matter what. If you ever need advice or just to vent, then pm me. I am older and have been through what you are going through, but as a man. lol

 

cya,

 

ocrob