I'M so angry, Please let me see sense

[Danny H]

Hi, I have just found this forum and at last have somewhere to share my feelings and hopefully help others with theirs, anyway.

 

I have been with my wife 17.5 years, married for 10.5 of them with 4 children, the youngest who can't walk because of c.p.

 

We have spent most of that time together because I have worked from home for the last 11, so as you can imagine we have spent a hell of a lot of time together- and get this, this year I fell in love with her all over again, I mean like a teenager.

 

But Let me back track:

On Dec 26th we were caught up in the Tsunami in Thailand while on Lanta, running away with 3 kids and a wheelchair

bound child.

 

On returning to Uk I realised my wife and I had changed quite a little.

 

She said " I need to go back on my own to make sense of it all" I agreed and off she went for 10 days while I watched the kids.

 

She loved the travelling alone ( fair enough don't we all sometime) anyway the mobile phone bill was £600, so we agreed next time we would only msn to thailand/uk

 

In November she went back again for 10 days, but while she was away I pondered the year, she had been locking herself on the laptop for 12 hours a day coming to bed at 2-3 in the morning, even the day before she was going back to Thailand in November, suddenly it became clear ( It wasn't just Post stress, something was going on).

On checking our old joint email account ( she had taken it on solo) to my horror I found a mail saying " great you phoned from Thailand, your voice is so sexy etc, etc, and enclosing a song with lyrics about how this guy was a better lay than me etc).

 

Also in the email account was a link to the Imageshack hosting site, on clicking the link I discovered reams and reams of nude photos of my wife, that I certainly hadn't seen, Suddenly the full horror dawned on me

Not only was she not phoning the kids due to cost she was instead phoning this guy in the states, + they must have met via PM, then moved to msn then moved to phone calls, + sharing the pictures.

 

I would understand all of this, but when I confronted my wife via phone she got angry with me for snooping( understandable) and said she wouldn't finish with this guy + also I must move out from our house and kids but I must leave the car.

 

So I now find myself ( this was six weeks ago) angry.

 

I am angry at a man who played the sweet guy to a married women with 4 kids, the listener while I was to busy trying to keep us all going, I am angry with my wife for not ending us and then taking this further with this guy.

And I am especially angry with myself for neglecting my wife to the point where she needed somebody else to lean on.

 

I would like to fix this but my wife doesn't I guess I just have to try and stay not angry and hope that in time when this guy is called upon to deliver something concrete she'll see he is a sleaze.

 

I only say he is a sleaze because at the time he knew she was married with kids and yet he was sending suggestive songs over, while she is conviced he is a knight in shining armour, who started as a friend, but that it then turned sexy- .

 

She has convinced me it was because I just don't listen and he does, But If he was doing Physio everyday with one child, doing all the school runs ( I'm the only driver), Plus trying to work I guess he might have a little less time.

 

Oh and another thing, he says he is a Vp of a company, rides his bike at 160 mph and is also 11 years younger than my wife, I can't compete.

 

 

What do I do I can't see through the anger please help

[NightsEcho]

Hey my friend,

 

I want you to realize that this post is coming from someone obviously much younger then yourself. As I am only 21, please dont discount this. In my opinion you cant blame yourself for not keeping her on her pedastool. I think you did the most importent thing anyone can expect. You continued to keep your family together and protected during hard times, and then granted time for your wife to sort herself off.

 

You did it all right, and I look at you as an honorable guy. What else were supposed to do.....go through all this while juggling, riding a unicycle and singing a song?

 

The sad fact is she has been the marriage for so long on this is all a experiment to see what else is out there....quite common. My parents went through a divorce over similar things. The question I want you to ask yourself is, if she was willing to do this and treat you with such disrespect, will you let her waltz back in.

 

Stay strong during this difficult period. You seem like a stand-up guy.

 

NE

[DN]

Let me ask you this - why are you the one who had to leave the kids and the house when she is the one cheating?

[novaseeker]

Danny --

 

I'm so sorry to hear of this. It's horrible what your wife is doing to you and your kids. It's selfish and reprehensible and thoroughly irresponsible of her.

 

You deserve better. You were trying to raise a family with her. You may have maade mistakes, but so do we all ... nothing you could have done would have justified her doing what she has done, which is to essentially break a home and throw away a marriage for selfish reasons.

 

You have to be strong now. Strong for yourself. And for your relationship with your kids. You have every right and reason to be angry. Don't surpress your anger, that is fruitless, but channel it somehow ... get involved in physical activity, let the energy of your anger bleed off that way ... but certainly don't do anything relating to this situation, or make any decision, out of anger, because that is counterproductive. If you work through your anger, you will see that it will dissippate (over a long-ish period of time, i would think, because she's treated you so shabbily), and you will be able to move and process other feelings.

 

Also, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and financially. If you feel the need, see a counselor. Hire a solicitor as well to protect yourself financially. The last thing you need is your wife to mess up your financial situation in addition to your emotional and parental situations.

 

Hang in there. It's very hard. Embrace your anger and let it out, but in productive ways, not self-defeating ways. I wish you the best.

[lunatic]

First off I would go see a lawyer about what your rights are. I know in the states the guy gets screwed when it comes to a marriage with children. As DN stated why should you be the one to leave when your faithful and honest with her the whole time. She is the one who is fooling around on you and then has the nerve to demand you leave your home and car! Get to a marriage lawyer right away and find out your rights before you do anything else.

 

Anger is totally expected and understandable. You have to take care of you and the kids now because she is no longer a concern for you. Make sure that you take all the emails and pictures off the web and bring them on disk as evidence of her infidelity. You might just have a case that you can keep the kids, house, and car while it is her looking for a place to live. Maybe she can live with this man who lives in another country(yeah right).

 

Sorry that your going thru all this pain. It stinks that you were played like this and she is your wife for gods sake!

 

Take care and get your BUTT to a lawyer NOW!!!!

 

Hub

[Danny H]

You know what, I would like to travel the world and get away for 6 months, I even bought the air tickets, but common sense + Friends have convinced me I can't leave the kids like that, although seeing her kills me, I still Love her, not for this year but for the 16.5 other fantastic years we had, we were soul mates, we always knew what the other was thinking.

I just don't know if I should play hard ball ( to appease my ego etc) or try and remain calm, move out, be supportive and hope that we work it out.

 

I wish I hated her more.

[lunatic]

Go get yourself a consultation from a lawyer to make sure you know what your legal rights are. I would not play hardball yet but, I would know where I stand if it came to that.

[novaseeker]

You know what, I would like to travel the world and get away for 6 months, I even bought the air tickets, but common sense + Friends have convinced me I can't leave the kids like that, although seeing her kills me, I still Love her, not for this year but for the 16.5 other fantastic years we had, we were soul mates, we always knew what the other was thinking.

I just don't know if I should play hard ball ( to appease my ego etc) or try and remain calm, move out, be supportive and hope that we work it out.

 

I wish I hated her more.

 

Do not give up on your kids, your house and all the rest so easily. She's the cheating one here. You deserve a good outcome, and so your kids. Fight if you have to, and negotiate if you don't have to fight, but get a good result. Put aside your feelings for her, she has been playing you. You need to look out for yourself and your kids and get a good result for everyone involved, and not just the result your wife wants.

 

Definitely do not go on a trip and leave the kids behind. That would be very bad later in terms of custody issues relating to the kids.

[DN]

Do not make the mistake that so many men do i.e. doing what she wants in this situation in order to somehow appease her, or make her change her mind because you are now being a good guy. It won't work and you will find that you have given up far more than you could hope to gain.

 

It's not a question of playing hardball. It's a question of not being taken advantage off by a former partner who is playing hardball.

 

See a lawyer, assert your rights, be as fair as possible to both of you - and especially make sure that your kids are not lost from your life to any degree because your wife cheated. Do not allow her to take advantage of you while you are emotionally vulnerable. This is a time to use your head and let your heart take a back seat for a while.

 

Also don't fall for the "He was not here for me, so I found someone who was" excuse. It's nonsense. If she had a problem with you in the relationship she should have addressed it with you or left the marriage - not cheated and that is what she did.

[RayKay]

The first thing you should do is contact a lawyer. And I cannot emphasize that enough right now, not just for your sake, but also for that of your children. Save every detail you can - the pictures you found, the emails (copy them), print and copy the imageshack details (they may be removed by advice of her own lawyer, so preserve them as best you can).

 

She is taking you for a ride, and I urge you to force yourself to see the reality of the situation as soon as possible.

 

SHE is the one in the wrong here, it does not really matter how "emotionally distant" she may have been feeling, there is no excuse for cheating. She is selfish, and in the "rush" to satisfy her own urges and fall for someone whom is still but a fantasy, she is hurting you, her marriage, and her children.

 

If she does not want to work on it, fine, her perogative, however you should NOT sit back and just let things fall as they may. There is no way under these circumstances there is ANY justice in you being the one whom has to move out. They are your children too, your house, your car. Do not give them up so easily. I know it is hard when the feelings for your wife are there, but you must start looking at this objectively and realistically.

 

Do you know if they have happened to meet at all on all her solo trips?

 

Be strong for you and your kids. Take care of your self, I know it's hard as you love her, but you really MUST look at this as objectively and realistically as possible. Be prepared.

[Danny H]

DN, You say I shouldn't do what she wants, that is a hard one as she uses the kids E.G " If you go travelling what about the kids",

"If you move out of this area What about the kids".

If I don't get help with the Kids, I'll breakdown and that isn't good for the kids" etc, etc.

I suggested living in the same house, but separated, she freaked, so I have been bunking down at other peoples places.

Ironically I am home today for xmas ( invited for the kids etc), so I am now sitting not 3 metres away from the wife ( as she types to god knows who on her laptop).

When she goes outside for a mobile phonecall, I have to be strong and not get to interested, otherwise I'll hear " But we are separated I can do what I want".

 

But If I try and make plans, I hear " But what about the kids"-

[novaseeker]

You stay in the house. She should move out. She cheated. You stay in the house with the kids and the car. Sleep in a different bedroom or on the couch. Talk to your solicitor. Please, don't make the same mistake so many men make under these circumstances of just leaving the house bc it is the easiest thing to do under the circumstances. It just doesnt pay off down the road.

[DN]

Classic manipulation. When she uses that one say "You have given up the right to have any say how I interact and take care of my kids. That is now my responsibility alone and I will decide how I do it. All you need to know is that I love them and will take care of them."

[Danny H]

you know guys, all of your advice is good, but how the hell do you turn from loving husband to Tough as nails ex partner so easily.

Myself I am still so confused, Like I said this year also affected me, I have got to be honest I got colder to everyone, I drunk to much, much to much (I have now given up for 5 weeks), I shouted to much, I can't help but feel that I am somehow to blame.

My wife says she tried to talk to me all year and i didn't listen, and I hate to admit it, she has a point.

 

But I still feel that this cyber affair, and then using it as a catalyst to end us is too much.

 

We are tying to keep lawyers away, but maybe I'm going to have to visit one in secret- ( oh god the battles start here)

[DN]

It's not a question of being tough as nails, or unreasonable or anything of that nature.

 

It is just making sure that you do not let yourself be taken advantage of and agree to things that you will regret later.

 

Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive.

 

And she still had no cause to cheat. If she couldn't fix it she could have said she was going to leave you. That would have got your attention maybe, but at the least it would be honest and ethical. What she did was neither. Don't be guilt-tripped here. Don't let the fact that you had faults guilt you into allowing her to take advantage of you.

[novaseeker]

Hey, Danny listen --- okay you made some mistakes. Most of us do when a relationship is in trouble. But she did the worse here. Do NOT internalize her perspective on things and thereby beat yourself up with her views. She's in the wrong.

 

Don't play hardball or hardnails unless you have to. But do get a lawyer to help you protect yourself so you don't get taken advantage of in this situation.

 

Be strong, be healthy, take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, do not drink, etc. ... but keep your head in the game, it's too important for you and your kids.

[Danny H]

Thanks a lot guys, at the moment I can't see clearly, so instead of taking 6 months away I have decided on 5-6 weeks back in India to sort out the next stage.

 

My wife wants me back for our Youngest son's birthday 20th Feb, then she wants me to live here while she goes back to Thailand for 3 weeks ( she now has female English friends who live there.)

 

It means I get to live with my kids ( but still paying rent on my rental property)

In answer to a previous question, no I don't think this cyber guy was in Thailand he is based in florida, I know they have never met.

I also know that for 17.5 years my wife has been physically faithful

 

The other day she blurted out that she " Didn't care if she never spoke to him again, that this is between us and nothing to do with him".

 

Boy I'm so f##cking confused.

 

I must say I am going to post another angle on this in the " getting back " forum.

I need a clarity pill, because the usual technique of non-contact is made impossible when kids are involved.

 

And is it surely to late to think about maybe saving something rather than storming off in anger?

[DN]

It is never too late if both partners are willing to make the necessary sacrifices and do the necessary work. It requires letting go of anger, a determination to make it work, a mutual love and respect, a willingness to negotiate and compromise and a recognition of the need to solve the problems on both sides that caused the break in the first place.

 

A marriage counsellor can sometimes help sort through all of that.

[onmyownagain]

Hi Danny,

 

I live in the south coast and have had a similar experience to you although there isn’t anyone else involved my wife asked me to leave the home because she doesn’t love me any more.

 

As you probably know the courts don’t care what you or your wife have done, they only concern themselves with what is best for the kids and I would say your wife would get the house without a problem unless you fight for custody.

 

In my case I have moved out into my bachelor pad and she is still in the house. I am not paying the mortgage any more but I am paying her money each month to look after my daughter and this does cover the mortgage but I consider the house is now hers until our daughter leaves full time education in ten or so years so I will just have to keep on renting.

 

The funny thing is, we have been apart for three months now and all of the sudden I think she is changing her mind about us. The other funny thing, Danny, Is I don’t think I want to go back now, isn’t that strange? I would have gone back in an instant a month ago.

 

I still love her but the marriages wasn’t as good as I thought and once you think this you start to think of all the bad things and the good get pushed to the back.

 

So, maybe wait a while for the divorce, I wouldn’t want to go through this at the moment but there is no reason to get divorced just yet because once you start….

[Danny H]

onmyownagain, I'm glad you are now feeling the one in control of your life, That is good news to hear, how long were you together?

As you can appreciate at the Moment I'm in some crazy limboland, Until my wife gets her cyber lover infatuation out of her head she woun't even have space to consider me.

And even then she might decide that there is fun to be had out there.

 

I have decided to take myself to India for six weeks in Jan to get away.

I'll phone the kids a lot, but at least I might have an adventure to keep my mind busy.

 

I understand the kids will live with my wife thus the house and the lot stays with them, that's o.k it is hard work looking after 4 kids even in a couple.

[WildChild]

It's very apparent you were/are suffering from post trauma. And unfortunately it has taken a toll on your marriage. What she is doing is wrong, but you both have endured and suffered through something no one here can relate to unless they were there. You should not have to leave your home, but I am thinking you did leave because you are feeling guilty for how you have treated her (i.e. drinking, yelling etc...) Your children are the ones who are suffering and you need to get yourself together completely and be the role you have been for the last 11 years. She may feel she is entitled, however you were the primary caretaker.

[Danny H]

Thanks wildchild, I've left the home because she seemed to freak when I suggested that we live separate lives here while I try to find somewhere decent to live ( we haven't loads of spare money).

So in order to keep the histrionics down I agreed to leave.

Have been staying with Family 250 miles away, then friends in Portugal.

 

I'm here for xmas with the kids ( her idea) but during one argument over her interent affair ( I'm still hurt)- she went mad started hitting me round the head ( I just covered it) and said " I'm going to call the police and get them to make you leave- if you don't go now".

 

well it is xmas time and we have lived together 16.5years ( been together 17,5) so I don't exactly have a mass of places to go.

 

When she calmed down, I backed off ( the kids saw me being hit and were crying).

then she started the crying phase I instinctivly hugged her ( I can't help it we have been though so much together), and it all calmed down.

 

Now she is tense as we approach the anniversary of Tsunami ( 3.30 am uk time for us).

 

One funny thing this xmas is she keeps telling everyone about the small presents she got for xmas from her sister etc, but never, ever mentions the present I got her- weird it's like it don't exist anymore.

 

Anyway I'm off to India Jan 9th, then back to watch kids and she'll go to Thailand for 3 weeks, so I guess we have an opportunity for 9 weeks NC

 

Best

 

Dan

[onmyownagain]

onmyownagain, I'm glad you are now feeling the one in control of your life, That is good news to hear, how long were you together?

As you can appreciate at the Moment I'm in some crazy limboland, Until my wife gets her cyber lover infatuation out of her head she woun't even have space to consider me.

And even then she might decide that there is fun to be had out there.

 

I have decided to take myself to India for six weeks in Jan to get away.

I'll phone the kids a lot, but at least I might have an adventure to keep my mind busy.

 

I understand the kids will live with my wife thus the house and the lot stays with them, that's o.k it is hard work looking after 4 kids even in a couple.

 

 

Hi Danny,

 

We were married for nine years and together for about 13 years. I found I regained control after I decided to let her get on with it and I would get on with my life.

 

Tell your wife to stop calling you and just contact via texting, this gives you the time to look at her questions and answer at leisure and also puts some distance between you to give her a chance to see what life is like without you to chat to all day.

 

Hope Christmas day wasn't too bad!

[Danny H]

Just thought I would add an update ( just back from 14 months away in Asia.

 

For all of you just arriving at this site, with broken hearts, I know how you feel, I was there as this post probably demonstrates.

Now 2 years on I have fallen in love with a beautiful lady, who proved her worth to me when I was badly injured in Cambodia ( 8 months on still recovering).

We have had a baby girl in May and although I am now back in the UK arguing with ex wife about the kids, the house, the debts, divorce you name it.

My anger has gone and my love is now strong for someone new.

 

Best to you all, and may you find peace.

[DN]

Well done Danny - good for you.