i'm desperate, my wife wants a divorcce, i love her

[youngleo]

Hello people

 

it's kinda odd saying this in public forums

but i'm really desperate

 

my wife is losing or has lost her love for me, yet i still love her like the first time we've met.

 

we've got 2 kids, they are adorable and lovely, of course every now and then they will drive you up the wall, but kids are kids.

 

anyways, i'm having a difficult time, originally it was only economical, but now it's threatening my marriage, and all cuz my parents can't shut up, always reminding her about how the times are difficult, etc, etc.

 

currently we live apart, due JOB, the typical modern age problem.

 

we were living sort of happy until the company i worked for decided to close business and move to another town

 

and my choice was to work in the new place or go un-employed

 

the choice was obviously, specially when you have to Maintain a family, and lots of bills and nothing but more bills (yet more typical modern age society #1 problem and cause for Depression), so well we moved to the new town and everything went sort of well for the first half year, then with the move and all, the bills stacked up more and more

 

Choosing between a Career or Family was hard, she felt helpless and decided to go back to our parents with the kids

 

since then, things has started going down hill, with nothing i can, do

 

she's went back to college/university with a partime job, trying to get away from the parents, but now with all the stress and the parents she'd reached her limit

 

she doesn't want to come to live here, cuz in this town, there's no much to do, much less work nor school, we can't afford a baby sitter, and she's the type of modern age woman, that likes to be out working rather than being in the house.

 

As for me, i can't afford to lose this profession and go home, is almost impossible to find jobs back home, i've been trying since we got here

 

and without a good job to pay off the bills, you can't have fun, much less maintain a family.

 

i've always provided everything i can, and done everything she's asked for

 

yet that never seems to be enough for her, she wants attention, but that's not something you can always provide, when you have to deal with job, money problem, kids, etc

 

i'm a very patient person, specially in my field of work, it's a #1 requisite to deal with hard to deal customers

 

ironically, at what is left of my home, i can't even get through my wife, now colder than ever, not to mention the geographical distance

 

my soul is crying but i can't seem to cry on the outside

 

and all this thinking is really .....making my head explode

 

we've been married a little over 7+ years, i don't want this to end like this

 

i've never cheated on her

 

but now she wants to get on with her life, and meet another guy

 

i knew that was coming when she went back to college/university

 

at least she'll not take the kids away from me.

 

but for the sake of the kids, i want this to be a normal family, not a typical broken family of the 20th/21st century

 

i don't know what to do

[shania2003]

Therapy, therapy therapy........... Go to marriage counseling, if she won't go go by yourself, find out what is the real problem here.

Many people have struggles in life and they have to make choices about what is important to them, family or career. You can balance all of that if you try and make it your priority.

[youngleo]

If only she is willing to go, then there's some hope

 

but being so far away from each other, it's very dubious she would go do that.

 

i've made a lot of sarcrifices in life, but choosing between job vs un-employed, is not an easy choice

 

much less having any chance to get her back being unable to support the family

[mk]

Try to read this, I am not sure it helps:

 

link removed

[CrashNBurn]

You seem to be stuck in a rut, as many people are these days with the way the economy is. It sounds like you both need a serious change. I know it's easier said then done. But it doesn't help your failing relationship to live so far apart. You know her decision to return to school is probably because she wants to improve her future. She is probably sick of struggling. Not only that you both seem like you are going in different directions. I think in this day and age so many people are suffering in the same way.Struggling just to make ends meet. If she still loves you, I believe you both may just have a chance, but something really has to change because it's obvious she is not happy in her life and she is trying to change it. Have you ever considered taking a job out of state or another country. You both need to work together at trying to improve your situation. That's what a marriage should be about sticking together when the going gets tuff. Oh I don't know the details of your marriage but I feel for you, I REALLY DO, just reading your post makes me want to cry, I so hope you both will be able to work this out.

[jimbucktwo1776]

Pray Pray Pray. Go to a local church and seek out help. They will have resources to help you in your time of need. At least they will be able to direct you to those resources.

 

 

Hoping for you.

 

 

 

That's that.

[youngleo]

thanks for the link MK, but i can't affort that book, that might or might not work, right now i'm struggling already as it is

 

all i need is just 1 chance, to show her the difference, but she's solid a rock, and colder than ice, there got to be a way to break/melt through those layers, but i don't know how from so far away, and with extremely limited funds, it's almost zero to none

 

i'm keeping my hopes up, if i don't there's no chance of coming back

 

aaay...

[youngleo]

thanks for the reply CrashNBurn, yes in fact, since we've moded here i've been seeking job non stop,

 

we are actually from Toronto (Canada), Megacity are the hardest places to find jobs, we lived and live in there, and we grew up there, we both started out in high school through college and so on

 

that's why it's really important for me to salvage this marriage, and it's certain that far relationship doesn't help, i've seen it coming, just couldn't believe it would become true

 

yes she's very frustrated and stressed, and now i can't even confort her appropriatly

 

i've seen the light as believer will say, now i need a chance, and of course the means of going back

 

i can give up anything for her, but everytime i think about giving up this really hard to find job/profession, i'm faced with a very difficult dilema

 

how to support a family without a Stable job, and i'll emphasis Stable Job

 

some of this problem started during a tuff time in my career, and i was forced to go from job to job, since most places only hires contract, and not full time workers, and with the constant up and down, it made her mood swings worse, and me, worrying too much about the next paycheck and how to impress bosses, made me forgot the absolute most important thing in life for me.

 

as usual, womens never tells us the guys exactely what is wrong, and yes we have a guys are dumb when it comes to these little hints, and saying something but not saying what she really ment.

 

This is a very bad wake up call, and now i see, all i ask is for 1 more chance, i can make things right, i can be like before the marriage.

 

is true, this is why most people of now iin days are affraid of, most man, forgets after the marriage, and sometimes we don't see it, trying to meets ends need takes us away from that of what most woman seek

 

i really wish for a simpler life, like of our gramps, have a farm some lands and you are on your own little world, no stress, just nature and a good warm family...

 

 

today is day 2 of the struggle, lets hope i can get through to her

[CrashNBurn]

wooow! I hear ya, I long for the same lifestyle, living in L.A. Isn't all that either, I was born and raised here, I very much while I was growing up thought I was a city girl, but now I just want to get the hell out of here, although I know my husband will never go for it. I just wish I could win the lotto and move to a deserted Island! away for all this junk. Me and my husband are in the same situation. It's a NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE, and just when you think your an inch ahead! someone comes along and adds a foot! I really am starting to hate my hometown. IT'S SO OVER POPULATED now. It's not safe for the kids any more. We are always broke. My commute to work is an hour and half each way. UUGGH!! So you see your not the only one in that situation, and let me tell you the stress we are under, just to pay the dam mortgage. We fight so much, actually we don't even fight, it's easier not to speak to each other! We are holding on to this marriage by a thread. And as much as I love my husband. I can't stop wondering if we didn't have the kids would I still be here. I guess I am still here because I have this hope that one day we will be okay! every thing will be okay! I truly wish you much success in what you do, and I hope you and your wife can work these things out.

 

-CNB

 

[youngleo]

is true, communication is very important, that's one thing we couldn't do well, for exactely the same reasons, you have.

everytime we try, it just gets worse, and we end up more distant

it's the weight of the debts and stress of life overall, and then add de-constructive friends and family comments, and you get this.

i realized the problem way too late, if we could have only talk without the tempers, things would have worked out so much better.

right now, we (me) just started to get out of the economic problems, and i though we can have a new beggining, and she gave up before i can even show her the good view of things.

i've really tried it all (day 3), she's still holding up her grudges, and is not letting down her barriers, tried directly, tried through friends, by phone, IM and email, but nothing is helping

she wont even open my emails, she just deletes them right off, she totally closed me out of her life.

i don't know if it's forever, i don't know if iit's only temporal (years)

but i sure hope, we can be together again, in the near future, the sooner the better.

she has already started to meet other guys and coming home very late

no much i can do about it, i can just wish for her to be happy

as for me, i'll never cheat on her, even if she's not with me anymore

i've never cheater on her, nor her to me, but now she's starting to, and that really hurts. i wont mind as long as she doesn't sleep with other guys

i'm a guy, i know what we think, and i don't want her to get hurt again.

she wants a new life, but if we don't fix the current one, every new life will just end up the same.

well, all i ask for now is for her to hold up her end of the bargain, and let the kids stay with me, and we can still be good friends, so the kids wont grow up in an disfuntional family as the one she comes from

i thought i could heal her pain when we first met, and i did, but after we got a family of our own, the daily life stresses made me forget, and i started to forget all the speacial attention she needed

and now... well and now is too late, as she said.

it really hurts not to even get a chance to make a difference, she's affraid that it will end up the same after a while

is probably true, i don't blame her, things that are always around us, sometimes we take for granted, until it's not there anymore

but now i know, and will always remind myself to provide more affection, attention, and love, specially under difficult times

if i could only have 1 more chance

[CrashNBurn]

aawww you brought tears to my eyes. I feel really bad for you, and I feel bad for my self now hahaha. I keep going around in my head about my own marriage, and how much I love my husband. But I know we are so different, that I don't want to make him unhappy, and if he is unhappy he should just go. I truly am happy with my self. I know I am not a bad person. I know there are things I enjoy doing such as art work, reading, home improvement projects, and my husband really discourages me from doing them, I guess it takes my attention from him. And I hold back from doing so many things I enjoy. I get angry and resentful inside, we have also gone through family comments, and personal verbal abuse. And it's so sad because I realized what a monster I had in me. I mean he would totally just rag on me, and I would go in for the verbal kill, I wouldn't hold back, I have such a mouth on me. And through it all, I would feel like sh** . But he never once realized why I had to fight back, he would be furious at me, you know like I should sit there and take the abuse. He's a stubborn man. So you see the fact that you actually are trying to get your women back is a step in the right direction I mean at least you realize that there was a communication gap, and if any thing at least you know you are trying and making the effort. I just hope your wife realizes that there wont be any one like you out there. yeah, I am sure she feels so good right now she is getting so much attention. Trust me, I can walk out the door tonight and get some attention, but that sort of attention is short lived. Gosh every time a guy try's to hit on me, all I can think is GREAT, I look good to you but THAT'S ABOUT ALL. Guys are only after ONE THING. And I hope she realizes what she has in you. She's probably loving the attention right now. That is why she isn't giving you a chance.

 

There is no reason for kicking your self down, don't blame your self. If she had pain before, all you really did was post pone that pain. If she has past issues, she is going to have to heal her self. No one can really do that for a person. But yes, your patience support, love and affection would help.You can't really believe that at the time of your stress you failed to provide her with enough attention. At the time of your stress you should have confided in her, and she could have helped relieve some of the stress or give you moral support. Well, now you know, right? each step in life is just a learning experience.

 

I wonder if you stop calling or sending messages to her, would she wonder why?. Or would she even notice. Maybe she needs her space to find her way home. She is living a new life now. She is excited about it. I would just worry for the kids, is she even thinking about the kids?. I have two kids, and I know that I wouldn't be able to leave them with my husband if we had to separate. Heck I don't think I would even make it a habit to stay out late at night, my children are my priority. You have to make sure you talk to your kids about this stuff, make sure they know that they are not at fault for your separation. They will need lost of attention during these times.

 

Well do let me know how things turn out.

 

-CNB

 

 

[youngleo]

i hear you, i remember very clearly your same situation with my childhood best buddy parents, the father is a big business man, with many restaurants and stuff, but the wife wants to be independent and do things she likes, and wants to work outside, obviously for multiple reasons that can prove her being independent

 

well as you figured once the husband found out she was working, they started having arguments and stuff, and at the end she ran out, leavin my buddy and his 2 siblings alone, with the father, my mom took care of them for a while, meanwhile their father was desperately tracking her down, and trying to bring her home

 

it took years, and at the end he realized it, i guess, and now they are back together, but not exactely together, it's that Tension atmosphere that people talks about.

 

during the time she was out, in another country, she found another guy, and a great job, but at the end i guess that other guy just gave up, having to deal with another's people marital trouble and stuff.

 

 

Hmm... i don't know what i'm thinking, i guess i shouldn't have mentioned it, it's not a happy ending after all.

 

But i guess speaking on behalf of your mate, i can say it's very hard for us guys to admit, or to even lower our guards to show our affection, love and our concerns for the woman we love.

It's the way we grew up in society, you know this picture of the guys having to be tuff and strong, in some cases even have to be bully type just to show man hood, else people thinks you are gay or something.

 

i guess from seeing what other people have been trought, i've always encouraged her to get more study, and work for a goal in life, because i believed in man/womans equality

sometimes i think it's my own fault for encourging her into these things, and the high class of life we are used to

when we started, she was very simple, like a girl out of a farm town country

i indulged her too much into dressing well, eating well, name brands and sh**, her family is actually kinda rich, but she was the total opposite of her family, until i created a monster.

 

So well then after a few jobs problem and the bills stacked up, the stress and debts problem set in, she couldn't live the "good life" anymore, and it has dragged for years, now finally just starting to come out of it, i thought we can have a normal life again, and i get this ultimatum from her.

 

our 2 kids, she's not even thinking of taking them with her, but she does want to be able to visit them.

 

well like tha told saying, "Like father, like son" in this case it'll be "Like mother, like daugther" Her mom left her and her father when she was very young, and right now she's exactely the same to my kids

 

i'm really worried they'll grow up just like her. this is the part that saddens me the most.

 

the minor difference here, is that my wifes mom, never for once returned home to visit her, at least my wife will do that. But i'm still worry for my older kid, she's 5 yrs old, the other is 2 yrs old, the oldest one will wonder why mom has to move away, and not taking her along

 

i'm thinking of all the understanable explanation for a children to handle, but non of them sounds reasonable for a child, the only one that works is "mom doesn't like daddy anymore, and wants to live with mom's gramps"

i don't mind sounding like the bad guy here, but that still doesn't explain why mom is not taking them with her.

 

well, i'll think more about it when the moment comes......

 

at least you are thinking about your kids, if my wife were just as loving towards the kids, there might yet still some hope for me

 

like the story i told you about my kid best buddy, the only reason their mom came back it was only for the kids, not for their father.

 

well today is day 5 of this sad saga, lets see how it develops, and i really wish for an happy ending

 

i don't want to give you the wrong idea, but if you hubby really love you and undertand you, then he'll understand why you need to do what you love.

 

you can try explaining to him why you need a hobby, and what it can do for both of you. My wife never had any hobby, i always encouraged her to seek one, she never knew what she wanted to do, except watching movies and tv (ironically now all the sudden she knows what she wants)

 

the thing she needed and wanted the most, she never told me, and i didn't notice those little hints, with all the troubles we had in life.

 

So i really hope you and your hubby can work it out.

[youngleo]

oh this makes me so mad

 

she finally confessed, she's dating another guy, not long after my last visit

 

i'm really broken up now, don't know what to do, all i know is i have this dang feeling of killing someone

[youngleo]

day 9, things are looking better now, she's having a change of heart again, and is finally starting to listen, things are very fragile at the moment, lets hope it can become permanent, and chooses the right way

[evolution_Vll]

i dont know if ur gonna read this but i had a situation like i moved from a big city full of great life to a small depressed american town for my wife it was all cool in the beginning, i gave up friends, good jobs and my basically my life to be with my wife and with the economy bad as it is i couldnt find a jo in the small hick town or even go out because i had no car, money or friends and put on small amount of weight so basically i became somewhat a loser. The stress was so unbearable for both of us and we fought and argued because our lifestyles started to eat away at us.

 

my wife found a job and 6 months later her friend broke up with her boyfriend and always came over to our house being all happy and "im so happy that im single and free" flirting all over the place...my wife started acting weird to me and knew she didnt love me anymore. basically she woke up and said i dont love u.

 

we lived together for like 1 month after that, while i tried to penetrate her defenses, trying to explain that i loved her so much and that its not my fault. the stress got to her so she wanted to ditch me so she could have fun again. i tried to death then i excepted it and made plans to go live with a friend until i could find a job to get myself back to australia.we still went out with her friends watched her flirt with guys and all that. it killed me inside.

 

my wife started crying when i told her i booked my ticket outta here.

i left to denver city, im still young so i had the most fun time ever and had job offers and friend introduced me to his friends, girlfriends.

my wifes realised the single life wasnt as good as her friend made out to be and was so damn sorry for the hell she put me through ontop of the career stress i was goin through.

 

she begged me back and i kept up my defenses for like 1 month then i went back.

 

so yeah maybe if u try to accept it and move on but still slightly keep her as an option open. but concentrate like never before to get your carrer back on track. and try and have some fun or atleast stay busy...maybe she'll realise single life aint all that and come back to you.

 

my wife used to always say when i would be trying to win back her love " its so degrading to urself and unattractive when someone wont leave you alone"

 

your smart and strong though and i bet things will work out for you.

 

good luck mate

[youngleo]

day 11...

 

yes dude, you are right, i'm starting to think the same way too

 

i'm starting to accept the fact she might never return and all, and right now, my Career is really too important compared to what she's putting me through.

 

but until we've not done the paper work for the divorce and all, she's still my wife.

 

yes knowing she's outhere flirting with another guy really kills me inside, and she already has plans to have a few days with that guy on a trip to casino with my money

 

man... i really don't know what to believe anymore, a whole weekend with another guy, in a hotel and casino

 

i can't tolerate it, but this is the very last bit of trust she'll get from me.

 

If she takes more money that she should have, or if i found out she has slept with that guy, she's really gonna get it the bad way.

[evolution_Vll]

sad stuff, when shes having fun with ur cash and another guy thats when i'd cut off her cash supply, get ur kids and tell her shes sick and should get help.

 

and to u good luck man, keep ur head up and dont let her possesed ass get the better of you.

[SomeDude68]

Sorry dude...

 

But if she said "she wants to get on with her life, and meet another guy"...

 

She already has!

 

She's cheating on you already!

 

Lose her... and get over it. There is a better woman waiting to be found.

[Lost in pain]

YoungLeo, you need to find strength in yourself, for yourself.

I know that it's hard when you still love her, and you can almost envision the day when she will come back, and things will start to work out.

 

I am going through the same thing, sort of. My wife said that she isn't in love with me anymore, and that she is not sure she has anything left to give.

I still can see the day when she'll realize that she is giving up someone very special. But until that day comes, you have to remain strong for yourself.

 

It seems that she has all the power in this relationship, at this stage. How can she take your money and spend it on someone else?

 

Have you signed an agreement that allocates some of your money to her? If nothing has been set in writing, I would let her know that no more money is coming her way, especially if she has moved out, and moved on with another guy. I'm not a lawyer, but it seems to me that you don't owe her anything at this point, at least financially.

 

It's easier to write this for someone else, and not myself. You probably feel the same way. You have to be strong.

 

You seem like a young guy. You have a lot of living left to do.

I realize that it's hard to do, but try looking ahead five years without her there, and things won't be that bad.

 

I have almost (almost!) come to the realization of my marriage ending, and it's still sad. Especially when I think of my two boys. But, I am trying to look ahead, and things don't look as dark and gloomy as they once seemed.

 

Continue to post on this site. I cannot say enough how much it's helped me when I have had a tough day at home, or at work, when I can't stop thinking about my family.

 

We are here for you. We are here for each other.