CHRISTMAS! going CRACKERS !!!

[lgirl]

hi newby, good to hear back from you. you really sound in a 'good' place considering - i guess having kids helps you to focus on getting thru it (for their sakes etc)? like blue boy, i am beginning to wonder if coming on to this forum is stopping me from moving on. it can become addictive and altho' i balance that with all the good things i've read on it, it reminds me of why i first started coming here - i'd never have known about it had i not been in such a DESPERATE state of mind and that's all b/c of my sh** of an ex. GAH!!!

 

People keep asking me if I am angry yet, and when I say no I just feel dead inside and so very very sad, they then say oooh it will come and then he will have to watch out.

i felt like that for the longest time. even when i wrote him my angry letter i couldn't FEEL that anger, ya know? didn't understand what people were talking about, i just felt like i'd been run over...but the RAGE i have felt since and that still bubbles up when i think of the things he said and did - oh boy!!!!! the Terminator's got nothing on me!! haha. unfortunately, i have had to 'make do' with writing to him b/c it was a long-distance r/shp - if i lived in the same country i could've seen him (and punched his lights out) and got closure. a lot of my suffering has been down to feeling i didn't defend mysellf at the time and that i am too far way to get justice... oh, remember also that rage/anger is just a manifestation of yr inner pain. anger kept inside = depression.

 

no plans for the NY and hadn't even thought to go back to the hotel... feel very down about it; my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook with invitations and to top it all i've got killer PMS!!! this year of all years i want to be out, doing SOMETHING. don't want to be stuck indoors, sat on the sofa gradually getting suicidal it doesn't help they're planning a major tube (subway) strike in london for then either... [side note: i share with my sis, but she is too flakey and has a habit of pulling out of plans at the last minute. she has already intimated that she'll prob just stay in...] so i am on my own with nothing to do except wonder what he'll be up to...worst possible scenario, aaargghh!!

 

hey, well done for sending your husband that letter. you were NOT wrong to send it (are you crazy after what he's done to you?)!! i also hope my ex read my letter (it was long!) - and that it actually arrived (via airmail). sending it redressed the balance a little and the key thing is you took back some of the control, which is why it gave you a sense of satisfaction. that's the way to go girl!!

 

sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire

 

PS if you want any tips about Rome, let me know. oh just a general note, avoid taking holidays in italy in august as that's when the italians go on holiday, so everything is shut

[lgirl]

hi blue boy, hahahahaha, don't feel left out!!

 

Sometimes I think maybe logging on here is prolonging the damage but I feel the strength I get from it outweighs any negative impact.

 

i was just 'saying' the same thing to newby! altho' reading the posts on this site has been helpful, i think it does churn it all up again as you try to apply what you've read to your situation.

 

I know people say emotions follow a pre-defined set of stages after a break-up but I have found they all swirl around you at the same time.

what kills me is how you can go from feeling you've turned a corner (at last!!), only to be plunged back down into darkness again. it really feels like one step forwards, three steps back most of the time. currently, i have been hating my ex and missing 'him' (the person i thought i knew and loved) both at the same time. i want to beat him senseless, but at the same time have him call me to apologise (beg to get me back? how i would love that and for me to turn him down...). upset myself wondering why i could miss someone who treated me so badly. why can't i just drop it? ad infinitum...

 

I am concerned though as this has damaged me mentally and I feel as though I am going off the rails a bit.

hang on in there blue boy! i know what you mean, though. i feel very damaged by my experience (and angry that i feel so damaged). i realsie i have been in quite a deep depression since it all happened and apart from the odd moment,maybe a few hours at a time when i feel i'm getting 'better', i can only see the damage it's done.

 

anyhooooo, i'm glad you read my attempts to redress some of that pain "with relish", hahaha. you're right, i am FURIOUS!!!

I am STILL forgiving this loser.

you need to ask yourself why - is it b/c you still haven't accepted that she's responsible for the appalling way she's treated you? that she CHOSE to do what she did? do you feel you somehow deserve that kind of treatment? following your 'logic', do you never respond when someone does something to hurt or anger you? is it in your nature to turn the other cheek? i am just asking so i can understand.

 

you might find you reach a place where the full impact of what she did to you hits home and the anger you feel will motivate you to right some of those wrongs. you might not feel so forgiving when it really hits you how she disrespected you and made a fool of you. right now you're still in shock. apart from the letter that i sent roughly one month after his devastating admission, the other stuff i was recounting in my previous post is stuff i've only just done in the last coupla months...

 

well, you sound like yr NY's Eve is all sorted. are you in the UK at the mo'? the temperature has dropped big time here in london today - stinging sleet (not quite hail stones) walking into work this a.m. (what a mug, right?).

 

maybe this time next year we will all be blissfully happy.

i second that emotion!! one thing i do know is that this is the LAST NY's i will ever feel this low or be thinking about him. my ex is the first man to ever hurt me this badly - and he will be the last. i'm never going thru any of this sh** again!!

 

here's to a fresh start

[blue boy]

I sometimes fear that even when the universe ceases to exist Newby, lgirl and Blue Boy will still be here ranting and raving !!

 

How are you Newby ? Can you detect any progress. How has this affected the children. I think the shock will eventually be replaced by rage and anger and whilst it will be horrible to experience it - it is better than the empty hollowness you probably feel at present.

 

The frustrating thing is a lot of the pain could be eased if only these people would have the guts to explain why they did what they did and to support the person in even the slightest way.

 

You are displaying fortitude in contacting your solictor though and maybe that will make you heal faster as well - it a VERY slow process though, but you WILL make it and find happiness again with somebody who will give you 100%.

 

lgirl - if we got through Xmas we can certainly get through the charade of a new year - they are way over-rated - save your pennies and treat yourself to something nice. Try to think of it as a new beginning in your life however and what you actually want from life.

 

I'm sure his new year will be nothing special - it's all mind games and telling your mind you will stay strong - really difficult to do , but do it gradually and you will get there and one day for both you and Newby there will be a huge shaft of light appearing.

 

You're in the greatest city in the world and I am sure thre are thousands of people who would love to get to know you so I KNOW you will be fine - unfortunately it won't be today or tomorrow.

 

 

 

LD relationships are very difficult as I know from personal experience - why were you apart anyhow and were you planning to get together?

 

I can feel your rage and bitterness in your words - he must have really hurt you and I feel for you - people can be just so senselessly callous.

 

I'm freezing here and it's 15C !!

[newby]

Hi everyone,

 

Is it two steps forward and three back in this game? I was feeling so potitive a couple of days ago and now I feel as bad as I did leading up to Christmas!! Feeling very tearful today and missing the lying cheating b~"*%!>d. He continues to cope with ease, to maintain the no contact thing!

 

I think I am probably on a downer because I took my youngest daughter off to the airport yesterday - lucky thing has gone to Dublin for new year with her student pals, and today I am taking my other daughter back to Glasgow as she is going to a hogmanay gig for New Year with her mates. I am trying so hard not to become too dependant on them and I hope I have managed to project to them that I will be OK on my own but inside I feel like screaming. I am dreading being on my own. I know they are very hurt too and need to get back to some kind of normality again, so I am trying to be brave and paint on a smile.

I was invited to family for new year but turned the offer down as I am feeling I have spent a lot of time with them over the holidays and don't want to outstay my welcome - (they would be mad at me if they read my last comment). I thought I would be fine, did't expect to feel this bad today.

 

I too wondered if the forum may prolong the negative feelings. I cant decide yet and feel unable to analyze that just yet. All I can say is it allows me to let off steam and vent feelings I cannot express anywhere else. I always feel better after I have logged on and read the threads.

 

Igirl - sorry to hear bout the killer PMS. Worst timing. Hope it settles soon.

 

We will get through this, but it is hellish hard isn't it?

 

I must go as I am driving up to Glasgow. No doubt I will be spending New Year at enotalone.

[newby]

Hi again folks,

 

Just home after my trip to Glasgow. Found it very hard saying goodby to my daughter as I could see she knew what I was feeling and tried to get me to stay with her. I found it so hard. I am trying to be a grown up and not put too much on my kids and don't think I am succeeding too well. I cried most of the M8, the Edinburgh By pass (which would make anyone cry in truth), and the last leg of the journey home. The house seems so empty and lonely. My old dog is trying to get my attention but to be honest I find it hard to give her any love at the moment.

 

I called my big sis and one of my good friends and they did help a bit. I had a good swear which always helps I think and I am about to have a large brandy - medicinal I promise.

 

I am going to have a mammoth house cleaning and clearing session tomorrow. I will start to pack up his stuff too. New start and all that!!!

 

Blue boy do you think I should leave Prauge until I have someone special to go with? Although to be honest I cannot imagine ever leaving myself open to a relationship again. Do you think it is possible to trust emotionally again. Also wanted to say that no way are you damaged mentally. You speak so eloquently and sensitively about your experience, and you sound such a nice person. It is all relative really and you are just reacting to what life has thrown at you. Anyway its' not so bad to be just a little bit nuts sometimes.

 

You asked me how my girls are coping with it all. I am so proud of the way they have dealt with all this and in how they have shown me such love and devotion. However their Dad seems to be extending his no-contact technique to them too. He has made little effort with them and they are starting to get very upset about it. I know he is shamefaced and keeping out of the way, he is also behaving like a huge coward and unable to face the damage.

 

He was their hero before this. He had been a good husband and father and they loved him to bits. Yes of course they still love him but they don't like or respect him. I don't think he quite understands the depth of the damage he has done yet.

 

I don't want my husband back, I know I could never live with his betrayal, trust or respect him, I could never make love to him again and I would question him every time he left the house, BUT I want him to try to win me back. My ego could do with the boost of telling him to go and shove it where the sun don't shine. I don't think I am going to get the chance though.

 

I will be thinking of you both at midnight and tomorrow.

[blue boy]

Hi girls ! Happy New Year !

 

Did you survive in Glasgow Newby ? I feel for you , I really do - keeping yourself occupied and meeting a few new faces will help you - wish I could follow my own advice.

 

Am in one of your fuming moods at the moment lgirl - in fact I switch between stupid, stupid undying love to total rage and anger.

 

At any moment I could just pick that phone up and it's killing me to be honest. She's having a great time and I am plumbing the depths - I not only lost her , I lost a really nice lifestyle with lots of friends. Now it's all gone and I'm completely stranded and abandoned. God I feel low.

 

Same year, same emptiness - had a reallllly crappy day at work too - sometimes I just want to take off round the world.

 

Ok, sorry for ranting - hope your year has started a bit more brightly !

[newby]

Hi Blue boy,

 

Sorry you had a crappy day at work as well as all this other stuff going on. You had such an early start too 5 am!!

 

I have discovered that 5am is now my regular wake time. It is a though a timer switches on and I wake up at 5 am full of dread and head full of thoughts about my LCB (lying cheatin bstd)!

I run through all sorts of horrible thoughts at that time, when they were together, WHAT THEY DID, was he calling her when we were on holiday, out with friends, when he was stitting at home looking fed up was he thinking of her while telling me he wanted us to be together. Was he thinking of her when we slept together etc etc etc. A total mental torture. Then I fall asleep again and get up too late and find myself in a state of inertia for the rest of the day.

 

I tried to buck the trend today and got busy tidying up the house. Both my kids are students and have been home lots lately and there is something about students and the loss of the ability to ever tidy up!!! I did enjoy the time they were home though. I lounged around in my PJ's all day with them - normal life for them so they did't seem to notice. Alien to me but I did quite enjoy how easy it was to totally ignore housework, getting dressed eating properly etc etc. Maybe I will go back to uni as a mature student and live the life. I have considered working abroad for a year and in fact have looked into it. The job I do would easily facilitate a year away in NZ or OZ or Canada, or indeed the middle east in paid employment. If I could afford not to be paid for a year I would go to a third world country and do VSO or something like that but that is not an option. I need to earn a wage until all this is sorted out. I am getting a lot of family pressure to move back to my home town (near Newcastle), but I have had so much disruption and dont relish starting a new job at the moment. I like my job and at least that is one constant in my life. All the advice says try not to make too many life changing decisions in the first year after a serious loss so I will just deal with the house sale and finding a new place for the time being and keep my job going.

 

What are you up to today, are you working again at 5am? How did you find New Year? I know you were struggling with the phone call. I did too - 25 years and no call from him. - he is a git.

 

Did you just have a birthday? I noticed your age changed. If you did - many happy returns. You sound such a nice guy, there will be a good person for you someday. Keep the faith!!

 

 

Bye for now.

[lgirl]

hey you two - 'happy' new year! my NY's Eve turned out better than i anticipated - the tube was running and i went round to a friend's and a coupla people dropped by, which was a good distraction WHILE it lasted. got home at 4.30am and couldn't avoid thinking that it was the countdown to NY in New York (5hrs time diff), so fell to thinking about my ex and all i can say is i have been in a pretty bad place since - spent yesterday in tears and feeling SO messed up and low about him, about everything. part of me actually wanting him back, but knowing the REALITY is that he betrayed me and i can't get over that - keep playing it over in my mind, how it must have happened. it's like a torture and worse knowing that i'm doing it to myself, but i can't shut the images out very bleak and not even a hint of enthusiasm for the new year, fresh start and all that... i feel like i'm serving some kind of prison sentence for something i didn't do!!

 

so Newby, it IS one step forwards, 3 steps back unfortunately!! i feel like i haven't moved on at all. i am so tired of feeling like this, but i can't see a way forwards. i still feel like roadkill (melodramatic as that sounds!) and i can't get over how one individual could cause me so much pain.

 

anyhoo, i guess you can see where all this is going! it's the maelstrom of emotions that is so wearing. i've done the crying, the missing, the raging, the analysing (sometimes all in one day!! GAK!), time over, but it's the grief (the grieving) that seems all-enduring...

 

how are you both holding up today? surely one of us has got to be feeling on more of an even keel? newby, how are you feeling now? i guess having to sort the practicalities out is a minor distraction? i know exactly how awful it is to wake up every morning and the first thing that comes into yr head is all his BS. i used to dread waking up and going to bed, when all the images of his betrayal would replay in my head. i truly began to despair at one point, felt it was making me ill, couldn't undertsand why my subconscious would keep replaying things that upset me, like a 1000 knives in my heart. the 'good' news is that it's no longer every morning now, mostly just at night. so hang on in there!!

 

blue boy, have you managed to get some rest to make up for that hideous 5am start? are you feeling love or rage right now? hey, don't apologise for 'ranting'. feel free, okay? and listen, she is not necessarily having a great time - it's natural you should feel that way, but it is more to do with yr frame of mind than being a fact. also, you did not lose her - she was lost to you already b/c of the magnitude of her problems. you never 'had' her in the first place (as her cheating on you proved). i think if you can see that your love for her was actually conditional (ie she has to get better), then you might see that it was never going to work. true love is unconditional... just a thought.

[newby]

Hi Igirl,

 

I am so glad your New Year turned out better than you thought. I was listening to the news that day and was keeping my fingers crossed for you that the strike didnt happen.

 

I am sorry you have been low since then. I suppose it is a time for reflection and also we have just gone through the most crappily sentimental time of the year.

 

I have had a rough time in the past few days. I was disappointed in myself for feeling so low and tearful at new year because I had a little bit of optimism just before it. I was taken aback at how sad I felt on the day. I kept busy - my house has never been so clean. I packed up boxes - cried all the time. Kept finding sentimental little things, cards etc which he gave me and were filled with love. How can he just switch it off. He treats me now like he cant stand me.

 

Today was bad, we had a very unpleasant phone call in which he told me he intends to try to re-establish his relationship with the mistress. "He deserves some happiness" Bastard!. I told him I had sent her a couple of letters outlining all his lies and devious behaviour. How he had been telling me he was wanting to save our marriage etc. Still making love to me and planning our future. She will be a weak fool if she takes him back. I cant believe just over a month ago this man was telling me how much he cared for me. Now he is a swine. He was not too happy when I told him about the letters. Hah!

I also got carried away and was in a total rage and sent him some horrible texts. I also told him to stay away from our house and me. He was supposed to be coming on Thursday to sort stuff out but I told him to shove it. I feel today things have changed. The hollow numbness has gone and has been relaced by cold fury.

 

As the song goes I intend to "wash that man right out of my hair"

 

You never know what life has in store for you really do you?

 

Chin up Igirl. New year, New beginning.

[blue boy]

Gosh two things struck me about your texts girls - one is that we are all still pretty down and that is pretty hellish ! The other is that you got the word 'bastard' out without it being censored so I can now freely say "that bastard bastard psycho * * * * * !!

I have had an EXTREMELY bad 24 hours.

I texted my ex yesterday simply to tell her that from now on I would treat her in exactly the same manner as she treated me. Two secs later she is on the phone wailing and weeping and then she hands the phone to her man-hating lesbian friend who came out with the most terrible abuse and then saying I was the abusive one.

She is threatenng to get me banned from where they live and I would dearly love to give her some comeuppance even more than my ex. My anger is boiling over right now and I am thirsting for revenge. I'm fed up of being walked all over.

You girls have shown me the way and I truly intend to follow it.

We will meet great people this year, all of us, I promise. It hurts like mad lgirl and newby - I can really feel your pain in the words. We have been wronged, we really have but we must not let THEM win.

[newby]

Way to go Blue boy.

 

I was surprised I got away with Bastard too. I laughed so much when I saw what you put in your thread. Would love to know what was behind the asterix.

 

Your ex's friend sound very unplesant. Sounds like she has her own agenda there. What is the story between the two of them?

 

You sound stronger now, I think it has done you good to have that incident with the ex and the nasty pal. It has made you come out fighting. Go for it.

 

We all will meet good people this year. I have already - on this site.

[lgirl]

hi Newby!!

 

that was very sweet of you to be listening to the news, hoping i wouldn't face a strike on NYE. how are you feeling today? i didn't sleep at all well last night - even though i was really tired, i ended up with my ex on my brain, a bank of thought i couldn't even decipher, just kept 'seeing' him before me... don't even know why b/c i've been over all of it 10,000 times and more (sigh). times like that i start wondering is it b/c actually he's thinking about me and i'm picking it up, telepathically? (we used to share a strong psychic link), aarrgghh!! don't know if you've experienced the insomnia thing yet (be warned, you may very well do!)...

 

wish i could get out of this loop - currently my rage has dissipated and i'm back to missing 'him' (gah). this grief has so many different shades. i haven't really allowed kmyself to grieve over the good times (and we had MANY - far outweighed the 'bad') b/c they have all been tarnished by his betrayal and previously if i recalled a happy time it would immediately lead me to the ensuing nightmare that followed, so i don't think about them. couldn't help lying there last night, feeling sad that he threw all that away. threw me away in a fit of anger. i can't believe he won't kick himself for letting that happen, but i'll NEVER know...

 

anyhoo, back to YOU!! well done you for writing to his mistress (i can't believe how badly he's treating you - a total jerk!! is he having some kind of mid-life crisis? though that's still no excuse). did you feel like you had more control over the situation after that (like you are stronger, more empowered)? GOOD for you!!

 

listen, don't feel down on yourself b/c you haven't embraced the new year full of joy - who would in your position? you are doing VERY well, given all the sh** that BASTARD (yaaayy! no asterisks!!) is putting you through. it is totally UNDERSTANDABLE that you should feel upset, so don't be hard on yourself. it will come and go. i do know how you feel - i was so determined to get over it, in a way have been rushing to get past this darkness - can't stand the thought that after 8 months i'm still so screwed up over it! - but i'm learning you can't rush these things... (double sigh).

 

I also got carried away and was in a total rage and sent him some horrible texts. I also told him to stay away from our house and me. He was supposed to be coming on Thursday to sort stuff out but I told him to shove it. I feel today things have changed. The hollow numbness has gone and has been relaced by cold fury.

well, at least you're not feeling numb anymore!! i was deadly numb for the first 2 months; took almost 5-6 months before my anger surfaced; 7 months before i got my appetite back (couldn't eat for most of april and may; didn't even want to take care of myself)... anyhoooo, i'm SO pleased you told him where to shove it!! that's the spirit, girl!! fight back.

 

your husband is on such a predictable path, but he has freed you up for something (and someone) so much better. that's the only way you can look at it. he is the loser in all this. and he will realise that too late.

 

just take it a day at a time and don't neglect yourself (eat regularly etc). post here or PM me and let me know how you're doing.

 

ooooh, i better get back to work!! hahaha

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

you're right - they can't be allowed to win!! (got any ideas how we stop that happening? gak!). newby's right - you sound stronger - all the better to come out fighting!! good for you!!! def think yr ex's 'friend' has her own agenda, which looks all too transparent... AVOID any contact with this woman, as she is looking to make trouble for you!! no wonder you're boiling over with anger at her meddling. it's great you're taking action instead of just taking it - way to go B-B!!

 

hey you guys, did i pass my rage on to you? hahaha. i can't seem to find it within myself today - so i'm wondering how much longer you're going to using it b/c i might need it back? (feeble joke. did ya smile at least?)

[violet532]

Hi All,

 

I read through all of your posts (took a while!), and I'm pretty new here, but I can't in good conscience not recommend a book I have recently read (and read again) that has helped me tremendously with my break-up last July from a 3-year relationship. The title is "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It sounds so self-helpy (vomit).....I know, but it put a serious clarity on the true dynamics of why I was/am still so utterly devastated/obsessed/in love/full of hate/longing/etc, for him. The depth of your emotions are in direct relation to your response to the WAY in which the other person left your life. Being emotionally abandoned by someone who does not have the heart to even respect that you deserve a detailed explanation and answer to questions you obviously have ....after YEARS of being with them! Hence the word "abandon". Being abandoned is the ugly TRIGGER that will stop you from letting go. Your emotions are 100% appropriate to the situation. Getting caught up in them to the point that they color every thought, action, etc. is a trap. (I'm still in it, so please don't think I'm judging anyone here) My ex also had a substance abuse problem, and that can often be the type of partner that people like myself and, I suspect, Blueboy, get deeply bonded with. Blueboy, there is a whole other side to this that Da5id was touching on. He knows what he's talking about! I may be off-base, but the book is worth a read anyway.

 

Warm Wishes!

[lgirl]

hey Violet - THANKS so much for that!! do you know if that book is also available in the UK? i think it's really interesting you mentioned it's the abandonment that triggers such an intense reaction. the shock i felt was overwhelming b/c my ex bore NO relation to the person i 'thought' i knew and it happened so suddenly, which just compounded matters

 

so how has it helped you reading the book (if it has)? what has helped you to let go (no matter how little)? anything you can tell me (us) would be really helpful PS it is REALLY helpful to rtead that my reaction to it has been entirely appropriate - i was starting to feel like i'm somehow 'at fault' for not getting over it sooner, especially as so many people post here about how healed they are after a coupla months of NC!!

[blue boy]

Thank you for your contribution Violet - sometimes I'm sure we all feel as if we are the guilty harbouring such feelings of anger and resentment.

You are right , it is feeling abandoned and discarded which really GETS to us.

As lgirl asks , how do we deal with that - will try and locate that book too.

Thank you again and well done for getting through all our posts !!!!!

Who needs Bridget Jones ?

[blue boy]

true love is unconditional... just a thought.

 

incredibly enough - that was one of her reasons for leaving me - bit galling to say the least !

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

incredibly enough - that was one of her reasons for leaving me - bit galling to say the least !

what did you mean by that? i think your love for yr ex was conditional (as i think i said before) b/c it depended on her getting better. obviously, conditional love is never going to work out.

 

it took me a while to realise my love for my ex was conditional - ie the success of our r/shp depended on him getting a job, so he could earn some money and get his own place. from there, we were going to advance our plans for a life together... you can guess the rest

 

just thought: guess that means they didn't love us unconditionally either (SIGH)...

[blue boy]

Trying to get my head round that one - is there such a thing as 'unconditional love' ?

 

It's emotionally and mentally exhausting trying to figure it all out.

 

You can get a sex change in Bangkok for £1500. I'm seriously considering it.

[violet532]

Hi,

 

Igirl, the book is actually about having a phobia of real commitment. The active avoiders of commitment are a certain type that come on strong with powerful emotion, usually the one that pushes for getting you and then as soon as the relationship gets somewhat real and a real chance to go to the next level presents itself (because the willing partner is deeply in love and ready), they start behaving differently...conflicted, running away, witholding, looking for distraction, altering their mind/behavior with alcohol/drugs, you name it, and the mad chase begins. Passive avoiders (like myself), don't feel they have a hand in this other than falling in love with a person that suddenly changes on them and leaves them confused and stranded. What the book helps clarify (or at least it did for me) is that, those who have a pattern of falling in love with people that consistently let them down, go away, abandon them, or are simply inappropriate and unavailable on some level, are setting themselves up for this. The point is...if you are attracted to these types of people you are actually passively avoiding commitment yourself, but because you are so "busy" chasing, accusing, blaming, longing, you never get to the "real" relationship and that's because you don't really know if you could handle it. It's sad becasue it's really the same fear, but you and the one you love are worlds apart. Different things can trigger the active avoider...the expectation of engagement, after marriage and the expectation of living up to the role of husband/wife, having a baby and needing to be a parent, mid-life..it explains a lot of the inexplicable 'distance' between people out there at whatever stage the relationship is in. The most helpful part of the book is at the very end where they present "Recovering from a Commitmentphobic Relationship". They provide advice for Active avoiders and Passive avoiders separately, so it's really clear and it's not easy to read. Getting back together with the one that left you is NOT what it's about at all...it's about getting back together with yourself and getting real about why you avoid taking action toward love from people who are truly capable of giving it. So Blueboy, the only way to "deal" with being abandoned and discarded is to not put up with it. Period. It's not for you, nor are people that would do that to you. As soon as they do, you know you are done with them. Their loss, not yours. Who cares WHY. That's their problem...and unconditional love simply means that you compassionately wish them the best in finding their way out of such nonsense someday. Again, I don't know if this applies, but it offers some enlightening food for thought.

[Warmastoast99999]

great advice re rebounds...just made 4 of those mistakes in 5 days myself! STILL dont feel better - if anything feel worse AND my life is more complicated by it!

[Warmastoast99999]

Guys - sorry i replied to an older post - Ive read the entire history on here - thanks - yes yes yes, I felt like an intruder...but hey, Im sure You dont see it that way really - Ive spent Xmas & New Year alone too...with an ex who 'serially dumps me' - utterly charming sexy etc etc...love of my life, blah blah...then almost 'borderline' switch - and dumps me usually for no 'apparent' reason...

 

Hosted xmas dinner for 350 people on dec 21st - she dumped me 20 mins before...(oh, I had to make a speech in pieces!)

 

Xmas day - on her way to me - threatened not to come - my fault maybe? Told her where to stick it & to go home...stop thretaening me with 'taking hereself away'...

 

Seen her once since...

 

Lots of bitte text messges...

 

tried the NC for a couple of days (oddly newby, wnet to prague!)...then got loving messages form her which I (foolishly?) replied to....

 

made the mistakeof hooking up with a couple of other girls who had showed an inteest...

 

felt terible afterwards...not guilty - hey im split up - just didnt like myself...felt i had given myself away...

 

anyway - so she went to a buddhist retreat in france this week and wants me to meet here in paris tomororw...says wants 'peace in our relationship' - i so want to go - have been looking at bloody eurostart times...yet dont think it will change...

 

am telling myself 'one last chance...maybe it will be different'...

 

I havent quite been 'abandoned' in the same way as you guys, but definitely abandoned...

 

I feel like i know what will happen if/when i go back...

 

But i SO want to...

 

and interetsingly - her dumping is alwasy at a 'worst time' - like when ive got my kids, or xmas, etc...

 

Any tips on 'how to keep away' or 'keep my distance//sanity'...

 

You KNOW I dont want to!

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

yes there is such a thing as 'unconditional love' - though most people only ever experience it with their families or if they have children. as i understand it, unconditional love is loving the person as they are, for who they are, which means not wanting (or asking them) to change any aspect about themselves; loving them in spite of their 'faults'; wanting the best for them at all times...

 

You can get a sex change in Bangkok for £1500. I'm seriously considering it.

leaving aside the fact that god knows how you'd end up looking for just £1500, you are JOKING, right??? (what makes you think your life would be any better as a woman?)...

[lgirl]

Hi Violet,

 

that was very helpful - i guess that makes me a passive avoider!! the 'funny' thing is i knew i had commitment issues before i got involved with my ex - finally figured out that i was actively choosing to have affairs, casual involvements to avoid getting into a serious r/shp, mainly b/c i don't trust them to work out or last. had witnessed so many people's r/shps ending (my parenst included after 17 years together) and all the crap they went thru put me off; i thought at the time that being in a r/shp was almost a foolhardy thing to do b/c you stand to lose so much at the end, when it inevitably ends. so i thought why go thru all that and developed an attitude that having a r/shp is just a bonus in life but not necessary to a happy life. was like that for years until i met my ex...

 

we even both spoke (tho' not in a serious way) about our fear of being involved in a r/shp and why we'd both avoided it up to that point, when we first met and were talking purely as friends. flash-forward 6 months to when i met him again and all that seemed to be forgotten on his side - he made a big play for me, and in true 'active avoider' style went all out for me, powerful emotions are an understatement!!

 

i even thought at the time that perhaps i was still a commitmentphobe as our r/shp was long-distance (suited me more than him, i felt back then - according to him, he just wanted to "bring [me] back home", marry me, have kids - before we'd even got around to living together!! needless to say, we never did). i felt like i couldn't match his pace to begin with, felt guilty i wasn't so crazily in love the way he seemed to be, was wary about expressing my feelings. but he swept all that away and was so consistently loving and full of such strong emotions about me, i started to trust him, to think it was okay, to think perhaps i was going to learn to open my heart more, to trust more thru my r/shp with him. (b/c i recognised that i needed to, couldn't go my whole life not trusting. what a mistake!!)

 

that's why it has been so devastating (apart from the callous way he treated me at the end) - b/c i finally felt like i was beginning to trust, to grow - a 'novelty' for me. my bitter experience has only confirmed my worst fears about commitment; that i was wrong to trust him and i don't know how to get over the damage done to me.

 

what you have detailed shows me that perhaps i wasn't the only one with commitment issues in the r/shp it is very confusing/hard even now to apply all of that to him and think that's what it was all along, that's why he smashed the r/shp to pieces. is that why he never got a proper job, got the permanent position that was supposed to get him on the rung of his chosen career ladder (he has no track record employment-wise; he's 33 and has never had a permanent job)? that's what tore us apart in the end - i couldn't take waiting any longer for our life together to start (i'd waited 18months by that point); all my support and encouragement (and boy did he need a lot) for him to get some work became a pressure for him (but then how else was he going to move out of his mother's and get his own place? how were we going to have a life together if he couldn't take the first step?).

 

but what i don't get is why did he want to get married, talk about having kids - he was so SERIOUS about it all, told me he couldn't wait etc. why talk about that kind of stuff - wanting to make me his wife, his life if he was an active avoider? (i wasn't even the marrying kind before i met him!!)

 

but i guess that's the dynamic - a passive avoider must get involved with an active avoider in order for the two to preserve their fear of commitment (in the same way a victim chooses the bully). is that right? i see now that he and i did share the same fear and that's so SAD, not least b/c he destroyed our r/shp in the most incredibly destructive way, but b/c for a while what we had was so special; i really thought he was for real... guess i need to think some more about this b/c i thought the main reason our r/shp failed was because he's textbook passive-aggressive - classic signs are inefficiency and procrastination (and a whole lot more!!), which explained his lack of employment... it's very confusing!!

 

well, as you can see from my long reply, you've definitely given me some food for thought Violet... thanks again.

[lgirl]

hey Warmastoast99999, don't apologise for joining in! no need to feel like you're intruding, please!

 

Hosted xmas dinner for 350 people on dec 21st - she dumped me 20 mins before...(oh, I had to make a speech in pieces!)

well done you!! that must have been so hard, but you did it!!

 

from reading your post it sounds like yr gf obviously has problems and you both seem caught up in a power struggle or something - how come she serially dumps you? how come you LET her??? i just want to point out here that love isn't about insecurity, hurting others, being unreliable, being selfish... i could go on, haha. all the ways it sounds like she's treating you. how can she be the love of your life if she treats you this way?

 

please do NOT bother going to Paris to see her. i think you should use reverse psychology - how about her coming to you for once? she knows where you are, let her find you - IF you really are determined to seeher again. i think you should call her 'bluff' and accept you've broken up (hard as that is). don't contact her. try the NC thing again and don't reply to her texts. give her the chance to see the consequences of her behaviour - a life without you. try and stick to it for your own pride, okay? if she really loves you so much, she won't let you get away.

 

her behaviour is very strange for a buddhist - is she genuine about it or just posing? as i said to you in my PM, she's behaving as though she has no understanding of karma - a cornerstone of buddhist faith.

 

am telling myself 'one last chance...maybe it will be different'

i think you know the answer to that! it hasn't been so far, so why should it be different now? also, i'm sorry but someone who can dump you on xmas day, right before an important function doesn't sound like someone who has the ability to commit to changing for the better.

her dumping is alwasy at a 'worst time' - like when ive got my kids, or xmas, etc

she sounds far too self-absorbed to be concerned about your feelings. sounds like she uses you out of convenience... and has personal problems she really needs to sort out.

 

I havent quite been 'abandoned' in the same way as you guys, but definitely abandoned...

are you sure about that? hahaha. no, you've just been abadoned repeatedly!

 

if you feel like you know what will happen if you go back, why bother? maybe you haven't been hurt enough, is that it? do you want to be hurt even more? are you sure it's not b/c of other reasons (low self-esteem, loneliness etc) that you want to get back with her. what does she represent to you? consider that and then look at her qualities as a person. is she who you really want? or are you just attracted to the drama of it all?

 

just a few things to think about. oh, how do you stay away? by realisisng that she's disrespecting you and that you must summon up a smidgen of pride to ignore her b/c otherwise you are sending her the signal that a) you're not much of a man and b) she can sh** all over you as she pleases.

 

will that do? good luck and keep us posted!!