Met with ex after 2 years.

[quintana]

Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend at a big Christmas-party at work. I hadn't seen her for almost 2 years, but we have had brief mail-contact for the last couple of months.

 

It was weird seeing her again, but over-all it was more nice than bad. She looked good, was smiling and very friendly. We gave each other updates of our lives. Talked about family, friends, work and such stuff. Nothing involving current partners (I'm not seeing anyone right now, while she's probably still with the guy she was seeing back when we last saw each other - I don't know, didn't feel like asking).

 

We chatted for a couple of hours, none of us were really drunk unlike the rest of the party, and conversation went pretty smooth although definitely awkward at times for both of us. Many times we looked each other in the eyes and then looked away, goofingly laughing (must have been a silly sight to see).

 

She confided in me a lot of things concerning her family, whom I am very fond of and do miss a lot, whereas I was more protective of my personal life and withheld that kind of info.

 

She teased me quite a bit - about my mannerisms, expressions and such things, but not in spiteful way. More like, she remembered the way we were (to quote a crappy, sappy movie-title) and felt at ease teasing me about it.

She was quite at ease touching me as well. In a non-intimately way, I should add.

 

I left the party, and her, quite suddenly to her expressed sadness. I was feeling tired after a long day, and also, I admit, I wanted to be the one to leave this time.

 

She was the one that broke up with me back then, after living together for about 4 years. I was devastated, and spent a lot of time getting back on my feet and trying to figure out what the hell happened. I'm still not sure of all the why's and I guess I never will be, even if she decides to explain it sometime.

 

I have in many ways moved on, and have had a lot of self-developing experiences since, along with two very short relationships. This is, however, a woman that will probably have a place in my heart forever.

 

I suffer from pride, stubborness and a big ego (which of course can be a good thing as well) and still feel the effects of her rejecting me.

More than this (?), though, I have the ambition that two people who care for each other on a fundamental level, which seems to be the case here, should make the effort to be in each other's lives as friends.

 

I don't have ambitions to be with her as boyfriend/girlfriend again for a lot of reasons, one of them being that I don't feel my pride, stubborness and ego would allow me to trust her in that particular context.

 

But I would like to be her very good friend, and for her to be mine, in a way that goes beyond the odd e-mail or phone-call.

 

None of my friends or family understand this ambition of mine, but still they all think the world of her and have fond memories of her.

 

Any of you have any experience with the succes-rate of these types of friendship?

 

If I detect that she's not willing to put in the effort to be friends I'm quite willing to shut the door again, but I feel it would be a shame to waste loving feelings between two people even if these feelings are no longer romantic.

 

I'd appreciate any input.

 

Cheers,

Quintana

[NR498E]

I dated a girl for about 4yrs.When we broke up it was pretty messy.We didnt talk for well over a year.But slowly we started to become friends again.Today we are very good friends.It is possible but it takes along time,and all the feelings have to really be gone.if you seriously want to persue a friendship with this girl I say go for it.But it is going to be a little weird for awile.

[quintana]

Do you recognise those mixed feelings of familiarity and separation when you happen to see the ex again?

 

I mean, she's definitely off the piedestal now, and I can see her without looking through rose-tinted glasses, but at the same time she looks as beautiful as she did back then, and I had a nice, warm feeling in my body when we we're talking.

 

It's like there's still a great distance between us - a lack of honesty in a way - and at the same time there's a strong bond and a true sense of love and care.

 

How to progress in re-building a friendship?

 

I feel that we have to go over the past at some point to erase those barriers in order to have proper, honest communication again.

 

But I don't think a big talk like that should be right now. It's way too soon. And, actually, I would feel bad being rejected a friendship. It's one thing that I was rejected as a lover in the past, I'm over that now, but to have it happening again as a friend wouldn't go down well with this big ego of mine.

 

Any thoughts on this? And how to go about it. What did you do Andy?

 

Quintana

[NR498E]

I kinda laughed out loud after reading that.The reason being that even today when I look at my friend Ann Iam still struck by how beatiful she is.And I still get warm and fuzzy inside.As far as any long talks or anything like that,I wouldnt go there.Those things will come up when the time is right.As a matter of fact me and Ann never really had a long in depth conversation about are previous relationship until after I broke up with my current ex.(I always go too her for advice on women.)Over the years it would inevitably come up.But that night when I went to her house, to tell her what had happened, we talked about our relationship and were totaly honest about everything.Even though we had talked a little before there is always some things you keep to yourself.But that night finally after 7yrs apart,we went over every single detail of our relationship.Every emotion,everything we thought at the time,and the reasons we did what we did.We laughed more than anything.So I guess what I'm trying to say is just take it easy and go with the flow.You two shared something very speacial, and I believe that you can take that bond you had and reconnect it on a diffrent level.It takes time.I can't stress that enough.Don't push for friendship either.I don't talk to Ann every day.Sometimes weeks go by before I hear from her.It will come around slowly but surely.I promise.

The next day.I told a friend of mine about our conversation.He said "why don't you just marry her and get it over with already?"I hear that alot.And I still think maybe someday.

 

If I can ever help please ask.And goodluck.

[novaseeker]

The thing you have to ask yourself first, and probe for an honest answer is "why do I want to be her friend". If any part of the answer is wanting to spend more time around her, still being attracted to her, and so forth, those are bad signs.

 

A corollary is "how would I feel seeing her with her new boyfriend". If that's troubling for you in any way, shape or form, or even makes you sad or regretful, then that's another bad sign.

 

If you truly are not attracted to her at all, and you don't care whether she's in a new relationship at all, then a friendship may be possible. But you have to realize it won't be like other friendships. You've been lovers already. That part will always be there in the past. It's ... it's the kind of thing where you always need to watch how close you are getting and question your motives, and you also have to realise that her future boyfriends will be very skeptical of any ongoing friendship she has with you, and that it itself may cause her to distance herself from you in the future to accommodate her future relationships.

[xxSaraxx]

 

But I would like to be her very good friend, and for her to be mine, in a way that goes beyond the odd e-mail or phone-call.

 

 

Quintana

 

I detect that you are looking for far more from her, than you dare confess. Your own common sense must tell you, that anything more with your ex than the odd email/phone call, may lead to something more - but then I honestly think that this is what you are looking for, something more with her. Emails and telephone conversations would be enough for you I feel, if you were not secretly hoping for more.

 

Doubt her current guy would be too happy with an ex of hers pursuing her through emails/calls, less still for dinner dates, etc, etc.......

 

I guess it all depends upon how strong her feelings are for the other guy, as to whether she will take you up on your offers of something more than email/telephone calls. She won't be brainless enough to not know what she's risking, if she embarks upon something more and takes the friendship further than mail, etc. If she doesn't want to risk losing her current man, then you are going to be rejected big time by her once more. And once he gets wind of the fact that she has an ex pursuing her, she will cut off all contact with you period and she won't even send you a goodbye letter, you will be history once more!

 

I don't think you ever recovered from being rejected by her and there lies the root of your problem.

[quintana]

I don't think you ever recovered from being rejected by her and there lies the root of your problem.

 

Sarah, thanks for your candid point of view. I've been busy spending the Holidays with family and friends and thereforeeee haven't replied earlier.

 

Rejection is obviously important. It was a huge blow to my ego and self-esteem when she left and it was a huge blow when she hooked up with another guy after having (unwittingly) stringed me along for some time after.

 

Rejection made me feel sad and rejection made me feel angry. I haven't felt sad for a long time now, and I haven't felt angry either - even though I only reluctantly let go of that feeling as being angry was such a great motivator in moving on and pursuing new goals.

 

I can't however - in good conscience - feel angry towards her anymore. She did what she felt was right, and absolutely had no intentions of hurting me on purpose.

This is a kind and good-hearted girl. The kind of person most people would love to have as a friend.

 

I know I would, as she still is one of the people on this earth who know me best. Why shouldn't we be able to build a friendship?

 

It would probably be typical of me to let my ego get the best of me and shut her out completely - as I have done up till recently. But wouldn't that be a shame? To stop a possible friendship of mutual respect and warm feelings from evolving because of pride?

 

I haven't pursued her in any way since she met that other guy - quite the contrary. I let her be out of respect for her choice and in order to heal.

 

Now the healing's done, I'd like to break that ego-driven pattern of stubborn silence and invite her back into my life as a good friend. And good friends should be able to communicate beyond quarterly e-mails and phone calls each Christmas, shouldn't they?

 

After meeting her it felt obvious that she still cared for me very much. I'm not blind to the fact that some of these sentiments might stem from guilt, but not just that.

 

The only lingering feeling I'll admit to regarding the old relationship is the feeling that she gave up too soon. Something she even admitted to at one point. That might explain the residue of warm feelings on both sides. That we stopped before the tank was completely empty, so to speak.

 

I feel the right thing to do, is to try and turn these feelings into a strong and good friendship - and not to try and ignite a second relationship as lovers. That road is blocked.

 

I hope this clarifies my point of view, and I wish all of you a happy New Year,

 

Quintana

[stolenshadow]

Hello Quintana, okay, I think you are trying to find an excuse to be with her, and by using your ego what could go wrong?, ego is bad, defeating it should be good.

I fear this is not the case, it's not your ego, it's simply that you want her near, the reason is not relevant, you could find many.

It's not bad to long to be with those we like, we're human, but we must be honest to ourselves, and believe me, if you think you want to do it to be a better person and turns out deep down the reason was different you'll be heading for not only heartbreak but pain that you cause to yourself.

 

I suggest you to leave things for a while, until you are 100% sure that another blow from her to your self-esteem won't affect you in the slightest.

 

Happy New Year.

[quintana]

Hello Stolen Shadow,

 

Thanks for your input, but I think you're a bit off the mark or I am not making myself clear.

Of course I'd like to be near her - if she'd like to be near me. Why you think that would be such a bad thing, I'm not sure. As there is no intention of starting over with her.

 

She has expressed that she want us to remain in touch now that we've met again. She's called me a couple of times, send me a Christmas card and such things. To which I haven't replied yet.

 

I feel it's right to explore the possibilities of a friendship.

 

I'm curious as to what extent she wants contact, and I'm undecided because I'm usually not in favor of mere acquaintances.

I prefer closeness and confidentiality in regards to the people I call my friends. The rest can be categorized as co-workers, drinking buddies or such.

She's been put away in the closed category of "ex-girlfriends". Now she's popped up and I'm wondering where to place her.

 

I will proceed with caution, obviously.

 

Happy New Year to you too,

 

Quintana

[7tInNC]

Quintana,

 

Hard in a bulletin board format to read your heart. Establishing a friendship with an ex can be a wonderful, and frustrating, relationship. Go slow, keep track of your feelings and go ahead and share them with your ex. You two had a special relationship, now the real trick is seeing if you are willing to support each other as friends and fit each other into your current relationships. This can be the hard part. I hope for you that there is someone else you can confide in, not JUST your ex.

 

I had NC with my ex for almost 17 years, just didn't know how or what to say that wouldn't be misconstrued by her husband (whom I like, respect, and knew in college as well) or my wife (who my ex thinks is perfect for me). Then my ex e-mailed me, which I shared with my wife, and we talked a few times while sharing e-mail at least once a month over the past year. Re-establishing contact has been wonderful, but it has also been a learning experience at times understanding how some of our family just didn't think it "right".

 

For instance, my wife has made it clear that even though we've met as families and she has seen for herself that my ex and I talk and interact as friends and she trusts us, she isn't going to become buddy-buddy with my ex. And my ex's Dad couldn't believe she was even talking with me again, said it was disrespectful to her husband. (He didn't seem to think so, but...)

 

Understand that may be the reaction of her friends, other family members, and any men in her life. So much better than NC, but very different than when you were partners.

 

Good luck, and go ahead and give her a return message that is just open and shows your intent of establishing a friendship. Then take it slow and see if you can be part of each others lives without necessarily having a romance!

 

Cheers de 7tInNC

[quintana]

7tinNC

 

Thanks for your input. Wow, 17 years! That is a long time. I'm amazed you could find common ground after such a long time. Of course, I don't know for how long you two were going out in the first place?

 

Yeah, it's difficult to read a heart on a bulletin board. I've glanced at my posts and they seem pretty formal and distanced. One of the reasons may be that I'm not a native English speaker. Hence, the overly correct language..

 

I have replied to my ex-girlfriend, and appreciated the possibility of us staying in contact. I feel a bit apprehensive and think I'll wait for her to express the level of contact we would have.

 

She didn't contact me for a long time because I explicitly told her not to, in order to sort out my feelings and get back on my feet. Also, she thought I was mad at her and thereforeeee didn't dare write or call me.

 

I've told her that is water under the bridge, that I'm not mad at her, that in fact I was happy to hear from her, and she seemed thrilled about that.

 

I think there's definitely hope of a very good friendship.

 

Only thing is her current boyfriend (I suspect they are still seeing each other, but I don't know for sure) somewhat played a part in our break-up, and even though I don't know the geezer I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him - on principle.

 

This obviously speaks against us having an open, solid friendship, and so it may all end before it has really begun. An honest heart-to-heart at some point might break down these last barriers, but for now I'm taking it very slowly and with extreme caution.

 

Again, thanks for your input.

 

Quintana

[quintana]

Hi,

 

Since the topic of staying friends with an ex seems to be as relevant as ever, I thought I'd offer a little update on my attempt to re-unite, platonically, with my ex-girlfriend.

 

Short story is that it seems to be working out well.

 

Longer story is that we've talked on the phone a couple of times and have also met in person to catch up.

 

I was a bit nervous about this because I didn't know how I would react to seeing her.

Would I want to be with her again? Or, the opposite, would we be strangers to each other with nothing much in common and nothing to really talk about?

 

Fortunately, neither was the case. It was great seeing her and hearing about her life, family and friends.

 

I felt really comfortable around her. We didn't delve into any tough talks about what went wrong etc., which suited me fine. Just chatting and hanging out and giving each other updates on everything and everybody in each other's lives.

It's nice to be able to mention some relative or some interest of mine and she immediately knows whom or what I'm talking about.

 

Obviously we still know each other very well and still care for each other, and I feel I can definitely count on having her in my corner for anything good or bad. And vice versa.

 

She is not with that guy, like I'd thought, and that quite possibly makes it easier for us to meet on common ground.

 

This experience have encouraged me to believe that there is good sense in re-uniting with people you really care about - as long as they really care about you too.

 

Life is too short to hold grudges.

 

Sincerely,

 

Quintana

[purple_monster]

Hey quintana --

 

I see you haven't been around in a while but I am curious how your friendship project is going. Updates?

 

I'm in a similar situation, I've been apart from my ex for 2 years and would increasingly like to bring him back into my life after a lot of awkward avoiding. He's a really good person and I've always valued his outlook on life. In addition, my boyfriend is friendly with some of his exes, one of whom I met recently and adored. I was very impressed by their friendship -- he really likes her current boyfriend, and everyone can hang out together comfortably. I don't know how to get to that point myself, and I hope it can happen.

 

Hope you'll come back and let me know!