Finacee wants to shop around

[secret_agent_man]

Ok, Here's my story. I've been in a very growing relationship for about 5 years, and just recently got engaged (valentines day of this year). My fiancee is an angel from above...

 

In the past things have not always been perfect, but everyhing has made us stronger. When she was out of town on vacation about 3 years ago, I cheated. I was at a party and I allowed myself to get out of control. I couldn't get out of bed for a week. I was sick to my stomach, and I learned a lot about myself. My life has changed drastically since then. I used to pride myself in being faithful, now I understand that I am human and I can make the same mistakes as everyone else can, unless I pay attention to what I am doing. She eventually forgave me and it has made us so much stronger. In a way, it was a good thing that is happened so early in our relationship, and it showed how strong we were together.

 

Now, 5 months after we got engaged to be married, she broke down two nights ago and told me she was scared. I understand, she is only 20 years old (I'm 21, by the way) and it's a big life decision, to settle down and be tied to someone for the rest of your life. She said she needs some time to make sure that this is what she wants and to figure out who she is. I can understand why she needs this, and I don't want her to be unhappy. Deep down, I would rather have her be happy without me than be unhappy with me. It's hard to swallow that, though.

 

We've talked a few times since this started, full of tears, and she feels aweful for what I'm going through, and she's still scared and confused. But we know that this is necisarry and that there's no turning back. And I am also aware that I should disconnect for a while to make it easier on her. If she decides her life is best with me, we know we'll be so much stronger. If it's better without, then it's sad to say... maybe it's for the best.

 

She's taking an "undetermined length" break from me, to make sure I'm what she wants. I know she's not at all the one to "cheat" but it's really hard for me to sit back and wait alone while she's with someone else. I don't want someone else. I can't be with someone else.

 

I only wish there was an easier way for this time to pass.

Anyone with any advice, I'm listening!

[doblersdream]

Hi

 

Welcome to eNotalone.com

 

Sorry to hear about the difficulty you're having with your relationship. It sounds as though you already have a very level-headed approach to your predicament. I'm sure you'd agree that you'd rather your gf didn't marry you with doubts in her mind, so i think you should respect her wishes for the time being. The break may be good for both of you to assess what you want from life. My advice would be to occupy yourself, take up a new hobby or interest - basically do whatever is required to get you through. Your priority right now is yourself.

[secret_agent_man]

Thanks, I know I need to worry about myself, and I know she can take care of herself, but it's hard not knowing, you know??? I need to know she's OK, and god how I want to know what she'll decide...

[charmed]

Hey Secret Agent Man and welcome to the forum !

 

I am reading into your title a bit. Girlfriend wants to shop around?

Is she with someone else, or are you just worried that she will get with someone else?

 

This is a very important time for both of you since you are to be married. It's not something that you should rush into, and doblersdream is right, you should be concentrating on yourself now - take the oppertunity that you are getting to do that - a lot of people don't get it and make big big mistakes.

 

You are bound to feel insecure about this time, and that is natural as you seem sure that this is the girl for you. If she is for you, she will realise that soon, and you will get married. Make sure that you want her as much as you think you do - and you will be glad of the reflection.

 

Maybe take a few days holidays to somewhere beautiful where you can prepare for the rest of your life properly !!!!!

 

Good luck - I hope it works out for you

 

Charmed.

[secret_agent_man]

Charmed, thanks for the input.

 

I guess by the title "Shop Around", I meant...

We discussed the fact that she may spend time with someone else, and I can allow that although it's hard. I guess I look at it like test driving a car.. (sorry for the bad comparison, I like to simplify a lot of things) You drive one.. and before you commit, you have to make sure there's no better deals that you could be missing, and you have to make sure you really do NEED a car in the first place. That's an oversimplified way of explaining, but you get the idea...

[charmed]

I think that if you knew that she was going to spend some time alone - even 6 months, not get with anyone, and come back saying - "You Are The One Secret Agent Man" !!!!! You would not be as worred as you are now !!!

 

Don't worry - cause if she is the one for you that is what will happen. You guys are young to be getting married, and it's natural to be getting cold feet at this stage. AS I said, get your head together aswell. I don't believe that you CAN allow her to get with someone else though - thats not really the case. You want her bad enough to marry her, you want her to be yours and thats it.

 

You guys do need some time appart though - and when you get back together and get married, you'll be the happiest guy on the planet then !!

 

Best of luck 007 !!!

 

Charmed.

[secret_agent_man]

Yea, I hope we can get back together. I really do. I hope she feels the same way in the end, but all I can do is hope.

 

As long as she's happy, though...

[secret_agent_man]

You know, of everyone I've talked to, I think you guys helped the most. I hate hearing "it'll be ok" from friends... I always think they're just B.S. ing me to keep my mind off of it. It's good to hear it from people that aren't supposed to care about me!

[afterd]

yeah,

My gf is on a self imposed break too. It sucks, I think about her every second. It feels like sh*t. Are you guys still technically engaged or are you not together? My gf ...i dunno, she is listening to her friends and being influinced by them which is even worse. We will get through it, whatever it may be though, just be strong.

[secret_agent_man]

I guess we're still engaged, I won't know 'till she decides. Best of luck, man... keep busy.

[brandos lovechild]

hey secret agent. You're suspicions are correct . If you have ever heard the term "sowing your wild oats"..that is what she is doing now ! She is terrified at the prospect of dedicating her life to the same guy from the age of 20 onwards. So whatever happens from here on in..at the moment you got2 believe she is making the most of her single status. You say you love her and there is noone else , BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO GO ENJOY YOURSELF TOO..GO SOW YOUR OATS AS WELL !!!!! LET HER KNOW THAT SHE BETTER HURRY UP AND GET ENGAGED WITH YOU B4 ANOTHER GIRL SNAPS YOU UP!! You are effectively waiting for her to decide if she wants you or not , right? Take the decision out of her hands. NOTHING will make her run back to your arms faster than if you suddenly become a little unavailable to her,a little busy for her....you know why? Becos she'll be thinking " S HIT...WHAT HAVE I DONE,HE'S FALLEN FOR ANOTHER GIRL !" Mark my words,if you act a little busy for her...you'll get the " oh what have u been up 2 ". WIV WHICH U REPLY " Oh i've really hit it off with a new group of people, i met them at this new bar i just started going to." She'll start thinking " he's going to new bars and meeting new people...i better get back with him before he forgets about me." GOOD LUCK 8)

[secret_agent_man]

Yea, I know I could, but it's not the right thing to do. I know she needs to make the decision on her own, without my influence. If not, nothing will be gained from my agony.

[netman]

Do her a favor, and do yourself a favor. Break up with her ASAP. Don't let her string you along while she decides what she wants to do. I know it's a cliche, but let it go and if it's meant she'll come back to you, but after she messes around with another guy or 2? How does she feel about you possibly seeing other people?

 

You sound like a very conscious person, but sounds like you love her more than she loves you. Listen to Brando's Lovechild. Go out and enjoy your life. Date if you have to. You're kind of young, so maybe if you're unsure of the situation YOU could reflect on if you even want to spend the rest of YOUR life with her. I sincerely wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.

 

"He who cares the most about a relationship has lost all control over it."

[bzborow1]

You should be happy you have a girl in your life who'll tell you straight out how she feels. I can't tell you how many guys come on here saying they were to be engaged only to have their gf/fiance do some really nasty things...I'm one of them.

 

I don't think you should do it as a means of competition as the one poster suggested. I think you should be going out and meeting other women, if only to talk, to see if it's what you really want. It just may be that you meet someone else who's just as great. Or you may realize you are ready for the lifelong committment. Remember, you're really young and probably not sure about where you want to go, what you want to do, etc... and all that stuff is apart of marriage...love isn't enough...

[brandos lovechild]

That is kinda self-pitying,if you don't mind me saying. She is not the only one in your relationship,yet she has taken complete control of it by this bold action she's taking ! It's true,it is her decision..but if you can do something that will improve your chances of getting bk 2hether with her,then you'd be craaazy not to do it. When you say "..she needs to make the decision on her own without my influence"...i find it very defeatist. When you started dating this girl,did you wear your worst clothes on the dates so that she could " make her decision without your influence" ? NO.You dressed your best to influence her decision, to make her want to be with you ! That is why you have to influence her decision again now !! She has lost something she saw in you before,which is why she wants this break. Could it be excitement,spontaneity or mystery ? She will get none of those 3 if you are stuck at home,telling her on the fone that u r losing sleep,can't eat because of this ! She will go out and find a guy that will give her those 3 things. So plz..don't be so quick to dismiss my suggestions on the last post. " IT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO ". How many guys do you know that got bk with their girl after she broke it off...because he told her he was useless without her ? ZERO i'll bet . The only guys i know, that got bk with their girl were when the girl saw the strength of character her guy possessed after the break up. GOOD LUCK 8)

[charmed]

I disagree totally. Consider this - he jumps in and tells her it's now or never. She says OK, they get married - in a few years or less they split, when she realises that it was the wrong idea. Marraige is taken to lightly these days. It's only because nowadays it is not taken as a Marraige For Life because the get out of jail free cards exist in divorce. I don't think that going out and getting laid is the solution either.

 

This guy believes that this girl is the one for him. If that is not the case, he needs to find out now. Playing around is not necessarily going to make that any clearer for him. Her playing around will - but just because she may be doing that, doesn't mean she is. If she is, then perhaps he needs to ask questions. If she isn't, does he want to be the one that has been playing around only because of his own insecurities. I know I wouldn't be able to live with that myself and it would only make me a hypocrite !!

 

It's a tough one allright, but if she is gone to "sow her wild oats" then there may need to be questions asked. In terms of shes worred about the rest of her life - say they live to 70. Now they have 50 years together - if they waited till they were 30, would the 10 years less together be any less of a committment. Marraige is serious guys, and it's not something that you play as a game of catch - reeling people in and attracting them at this stage is bullsh*t . It should happen naturally - this is not trying to score some girl at the prom !!! This is life altering decisions here !!!!!!!!

 

Don't worry Secret Agent Man !! Hang in there and you will know if she is the one. You also know that you have no problem waiting to see if this is the case. But remember, as I said, use this time wisely - not necessarily to go out and score women, but to be sure that you yourself are up for this marraige !!

 

Hang in there - you'll be fine - I believe that you know what you should do anyways - you're just looking for support on your decision !

 

Good luck,

 

Charmed.

[brandos lovechild]

Charmed,

 

I disagree 100 %. You have some fairy-tale idea of committment,where everything will end happily and fall in it's natural place..but that is just naivety. There is no point telling secret agent the correct thing to do for his health and emotions..he seems to have made his mind up. All i can say to him is don't get your hopes up. Consistency is the key to a healthy relationship,so when a woman says let's take a break.....SHE CERTAINLY AINT LOOKIN TO CATCH UP ON HER KNITTING ! She wants to see if she can get a better model,see if the lack of excitement can be rejuvinated with someone else ! BRO,i've seen it so many times,don't be another victim of false hope syndrome...you are young,get out there and enjoy yourself..just like she's doing ! GOOD LUCK 8)

[charmed]

Brando -

 

Have you ever been in love properly - I'm not talking about some crappy attraction from the wonder years. I've been in love before - and if I was in love enough to want to get married to someone - the last thing on my mind was going out and getting laid by someone else to find out if this person is the right one for me.

 

I agree - he might get hurt - hell I can't tell how strong their love actually is - but if it's not as strong as what I had before - then it's not worth marrying for !

 

I may have ideals - and infact - I had a conversation from your point of view with someone a few months ago - The fact is that you have to have some fairytale ideals about love and marraige because it's something magical and mystical. If you turn it into a government tender bid and take a business like approach, it gets a bit unnatural I think.

 

You have missed my point though. This is not about SecretAgent - this is about his woman. She is unsure - or do you think she's lying. Hell if she's lying, then he should get the hell out of there. If she's not he should wait. Why do you not believe that she could be genuinely taking marraige a bit more seriously than you seem to do? She is not looking to simply take a break - if she was I wold agree with you. She wants to be sure that getting married to Secret Agent is truly the way forward - and if she has any doubts - I fully commend her for taking the time to think this out and be honest to both of them.

 

Surely that is better than being on Divorce Court in a few years. If there is pain to be had over this, it's better it happens before a marraige rather than after a marraige. But of course if you don't take marraige seriously, then you won't agree with me.

 

Charmed.

[secret_agent_man]

Charmed, once again you re-assure me. I know I don't agree with Brando's, but I think it's good to hear all sides of it. I try to stay well grounded in situations like these, and the only way is to step back and explore all points of view. I guess that's also why I posted this to a bunch of people that I didn't know. I wanted as many people's real reactions as possible.

 

Thank you all for caring enough to reply to my post, and Charmed, I owe you one...

[charmed]

You're totally welcome !!! Hang in there and take this time to make sure that you are happy! If she's "The One", then she will be "The One" !!!!

 

Let me know how you get on

 

Good luck,

 

Charmed.