I do not want to commit suicide, but ...

[INeedTheCheese]

I'm 17 and feel myself slipping back into depression which lead to my referral to a psychiatrist in April/May time. I finally opened up and discussed how Id always felt different and alienated, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which went some way to explain why I always was a strange child with many oddities my mother could never fathom.

 

I feel like a stranger. One of my Asperger Obsessions was Psychology and Neuro Linguistic Programming, so I effectively learnt formally, from books and the internt, how *normal people* behave, however I am still an *acquired taste* to this day.

 

I simply seem to have a depressive nature. I get black waves even when things appear to be going well.

 

I used to be anorexic from ages 14-15..and I am also sliding back into that as well.

 

I am doing subjects I like at college, I have a stable (fairly) family, Im not that unhealthy, I'm not poor, I have friends and a boyfriend who appears to be very into me. But I don't feel like a human.

 

I get bizarre days..I get delusions, for example *my father is going to rape me*. (He has never been anything but perfectly caring to me). I walk through a crowd..every comment is directed at me. I get very angry and full of hatred very quickly.

Sometimes, I will have what I call minor hallucinations...items moving or swaying, for example. I suffer from depersonalization, whree I feel completely out of my body up to hours at a time.

 

It sounds ridiculous, but I have been like this for over a year so thereforeeee all my friends just accept that as part of me..Im not sure they appreciate just what the situation is.

 

I know through research that Aspergers and Schizotypal Disorder have very similar clinical features. Aspergers seems to be a good diagnosis for me as I have been different etc from childhood, but I definitely fit criteria for Schizotypal Disorder too...I seem to have both.

 

Thank you for letting me vent here..Im not sure I want a life like this..I dont like it even when I have, seemingly, everything going for me.

[swift44]

wow im sorry to hear all that i hope the best for you, all i ca say is to try and divert your attention to other things such as hobbies or working out anything, i hope you can get thtoug this good luc and il keep you in my prayers

[Dannysgirl]

That is absolutely terrible for you, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Did your sessions with the therapist not help at all?

If not I think it would go with what Ocrob said and gets some medication to help control the feelings you are having. good luck , I really hope things get better for you.

[SuperDuper]

I can't believe you're only 17 and willing to give up on yourself.

Not everyone's life is perfect, and what you have to realize is there ARE people with 10x harder lives than you, and have turned out great, with great jobs, and GREAT families in the future.

 

Some things don't come easy, and some things do.. and maybe you just are tired of taking the difficult path, and are debating whether you should take the easy way out.. and suicide is NOT the answer.

 

I am not trying to manipulate you in any way, nor tell you untrue statements, my life is quite nice.. I haven't had any family members commit suicide so I will not lie and say I know what the pain is like.

 

I am a normal person expressing their views on suicide. Do you actually believe your life will never get better? IN 5 years from now you have the ability to have turned your life around completely, and be a whole new person for which you seem fit. All you have to do is believe in yourself and have that motivation. How? I can't tell you and and neither can any doctor nor professional, in the end, it's truly your decision.. and all us bystanders can do is hope.

 

Please make a healthy decision that doesn't affect your future negatively, life does get better.. you have the chance to have a family, and kids, and love in your life.. don't bail out before you experience all of this.

[SuperDuper]

I re-read your post, and would also like to say these syndromes you have aren't your fault at all, you have no control over them and that's understandable, but they can be treated..

 

I think the trick in this situation is to realize up to this point, your life has been good, and currently your life is satisfying, EXCEPT for the small fact of these things in your head.

 

That's exactly what they are.. just in your head. They're not real, and if you can fatham that, and realize what you see in your head, is not reality.. it might be a little easier to cope and manage day to day.

 

Try to be optimistic and not let these darkened thoughts keep you down, I know I wouldn't.. you have to make the best of what you've been given in this world, there's no second chances.. if you give up on this life, you won't be handed a second better life on a golden platter, the only sensible option is to work with what you have.

 

It does sound like yo have your head on straight though, since you do realize how lucky you are to have a family, and even a boyfrfiend.. some people don't have anyone, or anything.

 

Take Care.

[victimofabunnycooker]

You have to talk to a medical professional. There is a reason for you being here, and it isn't just to suffer. Let someone help you who is trained to help you.

[CrystalDawn]

your symtoms can be treated and there not your fault. I know how you feel because I feel the same way at times. You may also want to try writting down your feeling and what sparks them. This may help you see a pattern and avoid the sources to negitive feels or if they can't be avoided it can help you prepare for them. Hang in there.

[darkblue]

Hi Ineedthecheese,

 

I'm not going to tell you not to kill yourself, as it would seem a waste of words - seeing as the thread heading is:

I do not want to commit suicide, but...

 

What are you actively doing to seek help?

Are you on any medication and/or in therapy?

 

You are very articulate and intelligent for your age.

 

PM me if you would like to talk.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I hope you are feeling okay it sounds like you're having a horrible time and I really feel for you. I've suffered from horrible bouts of paranoia too and I have trouble going out some times. I have to suggest this though most people give me a weird look when I do but Tai Chi totally changed my life- I went from taking massive detours to avoid a crowded university to going out with my friends and having fun in the space of a few months. I have never felt so relaxed and my mind had never been so quiet. I really recommend it if you get the chance.

 

Take care of yourself, and don't give up- it's impossible for most people to have any idea what you're going through so don't give up on the people around you - make them understand and don't be afraid to ask them for help.

[INeedTheCheese]

I am being re-summoned to my psychiatrist in January, I made a real impression on her.

 

 

I know Id qualify for anti-psychotic medication. I am now convinced that the world will end on Tuesday at 6.45am, because I dreamt that it was so. I know it is my illness, yet, I feel it is true as well.

 

I have frequently been told how intelligent I am. And to a lot of people I would say *I'd trade it any day for a 90-110 point IQ instead of mine (140+), which causes me nothing but grief. I despise how different I am.

 

Thank you for all replies.

[darkblue]

You are unique - like everyone else.

I also have an abnormally high IQ, but it doesn't do me any damage.

 

You can continue to post and vent here until your psychiatry starts again.

I like your signature. The world severly lacks compassion.

Anyway, feel free to PM me.