Need Advice Before Seeing Relationship Counselor

[octopus]

Dear Everyone,

 

Knowing it won't change anything in my man's heart, but knowing getting some expert opinion can help relieve me, I'm going to see a relationship counselor on my own today. My ex doesn't know I'm going.

 

Since this is an expensive session, and it was very hard to get an appointment this time of the year, I'd like to ask all of you if you have any suggestions for me, so I can make best use of my time with her. Has anyone ever gone to an RC, with their partners, or alone? Should I have gone to a psychiatrist instead?

 

My plan is to summarize how we met, how we moved in together, how our feelings started, and where we are today as objectively as possible. And what I want to know is really how I should be behaving so I while I understand my x a little better and give him time, I'm not totally forgotten. I know that it is possible for couples to fall back in love, but i also know it doesn't necessarily happen all the time, but maybe I can understand his 'schedule' pyschology better.

 

Also, after this session, do you think I should tell my ex I went to a counselor? Furthermore, should I suggest that he sees one too? I think it could help him a lot. Remember, we're on good terms, and he admits he is confused.

 

Thanks... Let's hope i will get something valuable out of this session today.

[SuperDave71]

Good Morning Octopus,

 

 

Relationship therapists are a good way of letting someone listen to you with a trained ear. There are many benefits to this but I wanted to mention something to you. Therapist cannot make up your mind for you but will impose on you a list of question so that you must make up your own mind. Use your time wisely. Make up a list of questions that maybe we could not answer here on eNotalone. Think long and hard on exactly what you hope too gain insight on while attending your session. These people are professionals. Listen to them. Remember this.....some things they may say may NOT be what your heart wants to hear. Go in prepared. Practice your story on how you guys met in your last relationship. Go over why it ended and how it possibly could have been prevented and of course....listen with an open heart. I wish you the best and I hope you get the answers or advice that best suits yoru needs. God bless you Octopus.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Bethany]

I prefer to trust myself and my instincts, do my own 'inner work, read up about stuff and make informed decisions.

I don't always think that a therapist can help you more than your own intuition.They don't know you like you do and can only give you a sounding board.

 

Always trust your gut is my advice to myself, it never fails me.

[PocoDiablo]

You may also want to consider seeing a relationship COACH as they can often help you better yourself. The difference, in my opinion, is that a therapist will listen to you whine and try to help you figure yourself out (not always, just a generalization) where as a coach will teach you new skills in general.

 

And, of course, a psychiatrist will only prescribe drugs, which I don't think would help you...

[Lil Punkin]

This question is for Poco...exactly what IS a "Realtionship Coach" and how are they different from a regular counselor? Where do you find one? lol

Just curious?

[LiquidCherry]

octopus, I hate to be a negative but why exactly are you seeing a relationship therapist. Is it to help you in the future with future relationships like you're trying to suggest? Or is it really in hopes of gaining your ex back which I suspect because you are going to see a RELATIONSHIP therapist? If it is the latter I don't think you need to be reminded that you are not in a relationship.

 

If you want to gain perspective and speed up the recovery process why not see a regular therapist, they are truly helpful and have helped me greatly in the past and I'm quite sure they are less costly as they are usually covered under insurance.

 

I would NOT tell you ex you are in counseling. Why come accross to him as totally broken down because of him? And I would NOT suggest to him that he talks to a relationship therapist because he has no need to what so ever. He's not in a relationship.

 

I'm going being harsh but to me this sounds like an innocent little ploy to trick him into counseling with you or along with you which is not needed as he ended the relationship. He obviously is not affraid of commitment as he is searching for the one he wishes to marry so from the posts I've read he doesn't have any relationship issues that he needs to deal with.

[bsp_kjm]

Im currently seeing a MFT and my advice to you is be completely honest with ur therapist. also dont expect direct answers to your questions. they are there to help you down paths that you must choose on ur own. they just help you along the path you choose

[octopus]

Well, I did see the counselor just over an hour ago. And it helped me in another way i never thought: she asked me questions about him, about things that I thought were normal, but she suggested that he might be very depressed; i.e. not sleeping properly, always putting things off, not being happy with job but not taking a step to change it, changing the dose of his medication w/o doctor's consent etc...

 

Of course, this doesn't help me one bit, but if he's really depressed in that way, the dr told me that the lonelier he is (i.e. after i move out), the worse it will be. Depressed people can give up on everything, everything loses importance for them, and most importantly, they can't make decisions so they use excuses , i.e. his schedule in this case.

 

Any of this might apply, or none of it, there's still nothing i can do, but maybe suggest that he sees his own doctor sometime too. Funny but this visit made me realize that all our conversations with him about 'not being able to love like he's been capable of' started after he reduced his daily dose of prozac....

 

We'll see what happens in the near future. I have to say the support on this site is great, and it really makes me feel I'm not alone.

 

LiquidCherry. I really went to a psychiatrist, for relationship counseling. I am aware I no longer have a relationship, as much as I would like to believe otherwise. I wanted to know if when people are obssessed with certain things, i.e. "I'm 32 and I have a schedule and I need to settle soon", if they panic and fear and block out their feelings (how i wish!) or if it happens that people who fall out of love, do fall back in love... The answers, as we all know, are maybe's and only time will show... As painful as this is, it's like a game and unless I play really well and keep myself away and make him miss me, he's not going to come back no matter who I talk to...

[LiquidCherry]

I was in a relationship with someone who was depressed and had other "issues" (putten lightly) that made a relationship utterly impossible. It's well, stressful, because if they would only get help.. But they have to want to help themselves and no one can make them want that. I don't know if your ex is depressed or not but it is a possibility.

 

I think most people have a timeline that they would like their lives to follow.. Graduate, get a good job, get married, find a home, have kids, whatever, etc. I know I have one for myself and I've always assumed it was normal though some people may be more of a "go with the flow" type.

 

And some people do become afraid, panic, and block out their feelings and there really isn't anything you can do about that. They are simply not emotionally available.

 

I still wouldn't suggest to him that he see a relationship therapist but perhaps ask that he talk to his doctor about his dosage.

 

I'm glad you found the session helpful, at least in gaining some insight, but you are right in that it isn't going to get you your ex back. Stay strong and give him the chance to miss you, I wish you the best.

[annie24]

Just keep in mind that this therapist cannot diagnose if he is depressed or not as she has never treated him or even met him. The only reason she knows he is depressed is because another doctor said he was. So, don't rely on her too much.

 

I don't think you should tell your ex that you went to the relationship therapist. I think you should keep it to yourself so you can try to sort things out in your head.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but you two were only together for 6 months, right? And you started living together after the first month. It is entirely possible that he realized that things got too serious too quickly, and that things didn't feel right with you.

 

I think you're better off letting him miss you. I don't think that encouraging him to go to a relationship therapist will get him back. What I think might work (if anything does) is moving on with your life. Let him miss you! And the best thing of all, is that letting him miss you doesn't cost $125 an hour!

[octopus]

I know, I decided not to tell him i saw a counselor, i'll keep it to myself like you said.

 

Hopefully my insurance paid for the fee

 

And lastly, as much as I'm on a roller coaster with ups of not needing him, and downs of wanting soooooooooooo bad to contact him, I am aware that the ONLY thing I can do is to let him miss me. And that's by assuming he doesn't exist for me, and I don't exist for him...

[annie24]

Glad to hear that your insurance paid for it!

 

I'm sure you already have, but read peoples' threads on here. I think that you'll quickly see that the people who begged and pleaded with their exes and found ways to stay in contact - those people never got their exes back. The people who did were the ones who moved on, and the exes came running back.

 

My ex came back to me, 3 years after NC!!! Honestly, by that point, I had forgotten all about him and didn't want to take him back after all the crap he put me through. In those 3 years, I decided that I deserved better!

 

It's really ironic or whatever... but if you want your ex back, then moving on is the only option!!!

[PocoDiablo]

This question is for Poco...exactly what IS a "Realtionship Coach" and how are they different from a regular counselor? Where do you find one? lol

Just curious?

It's someone who helps you with relationship issues as his or her specialty. There are many professional "personal coaches" and even organizations that certify and list coaches in you area.

 

Just like a personal trainer for working out only focuses on body building and nutrition, for example.

 

You can find some here: link removed

 

Or use Google to find more. Some may even be listed in the phone book.