Thanks guys

[Vasho]

I had been dating my ex girlfriend for almost three years when she broke up with me 2 months ago. In my opinion our relationship was perfect. We always had the best time together. We supported each other totally. We never had an argument that wasn't caused by some miscommunication. We've been together since I was 17 and she was 15. We talked about moving in together after she graduated high school. We looked into apartments and tried to find the best place for us to be. Because she's in highschool I only got to see her over holidays. I saw her in August and everything was still great. We hadn't grown apart at all in the year that we did long distance. But then I went home for a week in October. Something was different. She seemed distracted. She kept going out for breakfast with a male friend of her's before we'd hang out for the day. I wasn't jealous. I trusted her completely. We still had just as much fun as we used to but whenever we weren't talking I could tell she was thinking hard about something. One night we went for a walk and she said that moving in together just didn't seem real any more. I don't usually cry but I asked her if we were going to be ok and then broke down. I went back to school a couple days later and got a call from her breaking up with me. I think I know why it happened. She just turned 18, she's going to college next year, other guys like her, she just got a new job and was making good money. We loved each other so much, but I have to admit, without dating other girls I was never 100% sure we were the best for each other. I was more like 99.5% sure. I think she suddenly felt trapped by me. With this whole plan for our future. I mean, we're both still so young. We tried that staying friends thing but then she started dating that male friend of hers... 2 weeks after we broke up. Now they're a couple. He's a good guy and all... but I just don't see how he could possibly be better than me. He's a high school drop out, he has no ambitions for the future. I know what I'm doing. And I guarantee that there is no way anyone could have treated her better than I treated her. The only thing they have is that they've been friends since middle school. So here I am 2 months later doing the NC thing.

 

Sorry about all that, I meant to be more brief. But I wanted to tell you guys where I'm coming from. I know we're young... but I put my heart and soul into this girl. I love her so much. I am so confused. I want her back so badly. But at the same time I think this is what's best for me. But knowing what will be better for me in the future doesn't help me feel better now. I started doing the NC thing before I realized... you know, it's a thing you do. Every time I talked to her, or read a blog of hers, or even noticed that she's online, I'd feel terrible. Any actual communication would make me feel down for days. So she's off my myspace and my instant messenging programs.

 

I feel kind of stupid posting all this since there are some truly horrible stories on here. And my break up is about as good as it could get (although it felt soul-crushingly terrible). But that's kind of double edged because now I have this pesky hope that we'll get back together. I just can't shake that. I found this site when i was feeling especially down today. I felt so good a couple days ago. I actually thought I was over her. I felt happy for the first time in two months. That lasted for about three days until she emailed me. She didn't say anything that would make me feel bad but just communicating... it made me feel terrible. I've been feeling progressively worse every day since. I feel like every time I hear from her I get set back a month. I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I never know when the lows will hit again. Needless to say I am having no problems restraining myself from calling her. I'm all for NC.

 

I don't really have a specific question to ask... I just needed to rant. And I'd really like someone to tell me it gets better. Because right now, I can't see it.

[chaos]

I just hope you aren't blaming yourself. Girls at that age have NO CLUE what they want... hell, some of them never figure it out. And absolutely don't feel stupid for posting. Some breakups are worse than others, but none of them are good. You feel terrible, like you're gonna die. You hurt and you cry and you get angry and then you repeat the whole cycle over again. Keep with the NC, get on with your life as best you can. You'll get through this. Dude, you're single and in college... Enjoy it!

[Vasho]

haha, thanks man

[nowaysis]

Breaking up's never easy mate but your still young and will unfortunately more than likely experience this again.

 

Being young doesn't make it any easier to actually break up and you will feel like sh1t for a while but it does make it easier to move on..maybe you can't see that now but you will in time.

 

If you only saw her in the holidays and stayed faithful you can be proud of yourself and know you have the commitment and attitude to make a relationship work.

 

Do whatever feels right for you, if you think that n/c is the way forward then do it.

You say the new guy "is a good guy" that says a lot about you & not everyone could be man enough to say that about their ex's new man (I know I can't!!)

 

Don't kid yourself that he's better than you, she isn't seeing him because she thinks he's better than you...she wants to experience different things and if your time together was as perfect as you say then she'll always have a place for you in her heart and who knows what will happen when your paths cross after n/c and you've moved on..thats the key though,that you DO MOVE ON!

 

The world exists in your head and if you know your better than him then thats the reality..be strong and look after yourself you sound like a top guy.

 

I guarantee you will get over her, meet other girls and be stronger from this experience.

 

Good luck

[PocoDiablo]

Girls at that age have NO CLUE what they want... hell, some of them never figure it out.

Sure they do. She clearly knew what she wanted, and it wasn't Vasho.

 

Something happened right before this:

But then I went home for a week in October. Something was different. She seemed distracted.

What was it?

 

She kept going out for breakfast with a male friend of her's before we'd hang out for the day.

She met another guy. Simple. But why was she shopping around? Because something happened while he was away. It was probbably moreso the fact that he WAS away which caused the problem.

 

I wasn't jealous. I trusted her completely.

BUt did you trust HIM? I know I would not. Besides, it is disrespectful for her to hang out with another guy. If you had started to frequently hang out with some other girl, don't you think she might get jealous or upset? Sure, and with good reason! You are not being faithful to her.

 

One night we went for a walk and she said that moving in together just didn't seem real any more.

This is a woman's way of telling you to dump her before she has to dump you.

 

I think I know why it happened.

 

[Nothing of value here, sorry.]

 

He's a high school drop out, he has no ambitions for the future.

I bet he is confident, sexy, funny, and makes her feel like a woman.

 

I know what I'm doing. And I guarantee that there is no way anyone could have treated her better than I treated her.

Ah, you actually don't realize what you were doing. You were kissing up to her. In her eyes that is not something that a man does. A real man would not throw himself at her feet and do everything she "needed" or "wanted" because it is smothering. It's like doing everything for your mother. What she wanted was a man to provide support and strength, but not do everything for her. Your desire to do everything for her appears to her as if it is coming from a position of weakness, and women want a strong man.

 

 

I feel like every time I hear from her I get set back a month. I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I never know when the lows will hit again. Needless to say I am having no problems restraining myself from calling her. I'm all for NC.

NC is the only way to go. Now she is trying to baby you by being nice to you. She is now doing the same thing to her new boyfriend that she did to you - she is getting bored with him and looking for attention and approval from another guy. Do you see how quickly this cycle is starting for her?

 

If you give her any attention then you are a sucker. My fiance and I always laugh when we see one woman with two men at a bar or club. Here is one chick using two idiot guys to get twice the attention. They, of course, only get half (or less) in return. Sheesh.

 

 

It will get better when you stop and think about everything you did, and how things got worse. Being a supplicating boy and doing everything for a woman is NOT going to help you with long term relationships. You need to let a woman have her independance, and you also need to let her know you have standards she has to live up to. There are lots of other things you need to think about, but I would say this will happen to you again and again as you date more until you start to think about how your behaviors could possibly turn off a woman.

 

Remember, women are like cats - they like a quick moving, hard to catch, fun toy. They do not like being bathed, held down, chased, petted too long, etc. The like their independance. And have you ever noticed how cats always seem to go sit in the lap of the one person who does NOT want to have the cat in their lap? If you act a little more like a challenge, and that the cat must win your approval, you might have better luck.

[Vasho]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

 

nowaysis, thanks for the boost. It made me feel better

 

PocoDiablo, at first I was going to reply and say how I disagree with most of the things you said. But really, after I thought about it, you're probably right. I'm not going to let myself regret anything that I did, though. There's no way I'm going to start thinking this break up is my fault. I'll keep everything you said in mind for my next relationship.

 

Thanks

[Vasho]

I thought about your response a lot today, PocoDiablo. After the break up, I had been feeling that I couldn't have done anything different. This made me feel good at first because it made me feel it wasn't my fault. But a month or so later, I started feeling like I didn't have control. I was the best guy I could have possibly been and still got dumped. I felt like I couldn't do anything differently in a future relationship and that bothered me. Your reply helped me see that there are some things I could change. But I'm not entirely sure what. Mind if I get your opinion on some of the things I did? Anyone else can give their opinions as well

 

Could I have told her that I loved her too often? I kind of said it a lot after awhile. Pretty much whenever I would think it.

 

Since we were doing the long distance thing we talked on the phone daily. Every time we talked I'd tell her that I missed her. It would usually be on of the first things I'd say. Bad?

 

I might have valued her opinions a little too highly. I would ask her opinions on pretty much everything. I wouldn't always agree, of course. For example, I wouldn't just go along with her taste in music or movies. It was more with how I'd dress and stuff like that. I'd usually go along with what she'd say. I wouldn't wear stuff I didn't like though. It was more like if I liked a shirt I owned, and she didn't, I'd stop wearing it.

 

I'd always pay for dinner, movie tickets, and other date things for her, even if she'd offer. Of course she stopped offering after a year or so.

 

I've been thinking all day but I can't really think of anything else. Do you know of any common mistakes guys make in a relationship?

 

Thanks a lot guys, I appreciate the help.

[coooolsome]

How does one be a challenge. I have ideas and just curious as to what others think.

[PocoDiablo]

I got your PM, thanks for asking for more information and I am glad to try to give a different point of view. And with this additional information I think I can answer your questions, and also answer Cooolsome's "challenge" question at the same time.

 

I thought about your response a lot today, PocoDiablo. After the break up, I had been feeling that I couldn't have done anything different. This made me feel good at first because it made me feel it wasn't my fault.

I have done that before, and I have seen a lot of guys do that as well. While it feels good to think we're doing everything right, it's often a false sense of security. And, of course, it does not allow us to think critically about what we may have done and improve ourselves. Without self-improvement, we often end up doing the same things over in the next relationship which ends with similar results - a breakup.

 

But a month or so later, I started feeling like I didn't have control.

This is a very straightforward comment, and it's strikes me as very fascinating that you would say that. I think that control is important but moreso as self-control, with authority in the relationship to some extent as well. Maybe you could elaborate on this more and how you mean it?

 

I was the best guy I could have possibly been and still got dumped.

When I see this, I think that it can be a major issue for men. While there is nothing wrong with being a great man, specifically a gentleman, I find that a lot of guys take it too far. A lot of guys will supplicate, or kiss up, to their woman and take things too far. And you have some examples of that coming up. It's important that a guy does not put a woman up on a pedestal and treat her so "good" that it's boring, smothering, and overbearing. For example, if you were to rush and open every single door for her it would at first be seen as charming. But after a while it feels fake, and she may feel that you are being too nice, and wonder why. If she starts to think you are doing it because you are afraid of losing her, then she may subconsciously start to think that you are not a high-quality male who has self-confidence. For example, I will open doors for my fiance, but I also know that if I don't it will not change how she feels for me. Think about other things you do in your relationship and ask yourself that same question. "If I were to stop cleaning the kitchen, would she still love me?" I sure hope she would!

 

Could I have told her that I loved her too often? I kind of said it a lot after awhile. Pretty much whenever I would think it.

Well, yeah, that is a good example of supplicating. While it is true that women will often say "He didn't tell me he loved me enough" I often point out to guys that you are not really expected to communicate like a child or a woman. As a man, you can communicate your love for her but without words. How could you show her your love for her? If you tell her every day, it get's "empty" in my opinion. But if you were to simply walk up to her, and pull her into a nice deep hug, do you think that says the same thing only better? Remember, men are expected to be physical and intimate. Just telling her you love her is like a child does to his mother. If you act like a child, she will lose those feelings of you being a man and then it goes downhill from there. In addition, if you are NOT telling her you love her every day, this can be a challenge for her. She'll have to ask why you don't say it, and then you need to flirt, play, have fun. Ask her "I say it everyday, just not with words. Haven't you noticed?"

 

Since we were doing the long distance thing we talked on the phone daily. Every time we talked I'd tell her that I missed her. It would usually be on of the first things I'd say. Bad?

Yeah, that comes accross as desperate. You can turn that around next time and say "So, do you miss me yet?"

 

I might have valued her opinions a little too highly. I would ask her opinions on pretty much everything. I wouldn't always agree, of course.

Well that's good that you didn't always agree, but it sounds like you did a little too much. Again, think mother and child. You need to have your own standards, not just whatever she wants (to some greater extent of course.)

 

For example, I wouldn't just go along with her taste in music or movies. It was more with how I'd dress and stuff like that.

Unless she is your fasion consultant... Nah, I did that in the past, too. I do on occasion like a female's take on what I wear, but they tend to end up making me look childish. Now I make my own decisions based on what I feel is masculine.

 

I'd usually go along with what she'd say. I wouldn't wear stuff I didn't like though. It was more like if I liked a shirt I owned, and she didn't, I'd stop wearing it.

I'd never do that. That's her problem, not yours.

 

I'd always pay for dinner, movie tickets, and other date things for her, even if she'd offer. Of course she stopped offering after a year or so.

Money is always a tricky issue. You don't want to get too far, but if you are serious then she should help a little.

 

I've been thinking all day but I can't really think of anything else. Do you know of any common mistakes guys make in a relationship?

Yeah, we become boring, predictable, lazy, and complacent. You have to keep her on her toes, you have to go out at least once a week, you have to flirt, and you have to surprise her sometimes.

 

For some reason I'm feeling a little empty of answers right now, and I think it's because there is not much detail here to go on. However, I think you get the general idea. You have to be yourself, you have to make your own decisions, you have to go against the grain sometimes, and you have to have fun.

[Vasho]

What I meant by not feeling like I had control is that I felt there was nothing I could change for next time to possibly get a different outcome.

 

Thanks a lot PocoDiablo. I'll definitely keep what you said in mind for next time