I think I scared her away

[cobro]

I met this girl a couple of months ago. I just asked her out about 3 weeks ago. We hung out alot, almost every night for 2 weeks, went on an awesome date this last Friday. We spent all day Saturday together just hanging out having a good time. She held my hand and was all into me it seemed. We ended the evening by watching a movie at my house, my arm around her. She went home, gave her a nice hug goodnight. Didn't even kiss her because I know she likes to take things really slow as she has told me before. I'm surprised she even let me put my arm around her. Obviously, she liked me.

 

So Sunday comes around, I stopped by a friends house we were supposed to hang out at. Stayed there for a while and left, she called me that night. We normally talk every night. We didn't have much to talk about, I was kind of in a blah mood and I think she could tell. We got off the phone kind of awkwardly. I just wrote it off and didn't worry about it. Then Monday I made a big mistake I think. I sent her a dozen white roses that were to be delivered on Tuesday morning, with a card that read "To a very special person. Thank you for being a part of my life." I figured after the good weekend we had and the interest she showed, it would be ok to send these. I called her Mon. night around 8pm just to see how her day was, left her a voicemail. She didn't call me back, which has never happened. Keep in mind she hadn't received the flowers yet, they were to be delivered on the next day. So the no call back sent up a red flag, maybe I need to give her space, but ooops there are flowers on the way and I can't stop them.

 

So Tues. morning comes around, no call back. She gets the flowers, calls me and says "thank you, it was really sweet, you didn't have to do that. to be honest i was kind of freaked out at first but its ok, don't worry" then she immediately launched into "i'm so busy today, i'll be working until 10:30 pm, etc..." without even me asking her to do something, its like she was trying to seem busy and not available. I just responded in a positive way "thats cool, well have a good day, i will talk to you later" like I got her point. Sooo, what i'm thinking is that she is freaking out, needs some space, or I did something and doesn't like me anymore. Keep in mind, as late as Sunday night she was planning on doing stuff with me this week. I'm not sure if anything has changed, but I sure do get a feeling something has changed. I'm not sure how to proceed. Eveyone is telling me not to call her, which I agree, I'm not going to. She knows I like her, the ball is in her court. Do you think she is just going to disappear? I hate appearing desperate, and I'm going to stop now. She's a very honest person and we communicate about everything, which is kind of shocking if she just decided to not tell me she needs space or if things aren't working out. What should I do?

Thanks!

[Cecelius]

What should I do?

Thanks!

 

Stay away from her. She thinks you are desparate now (and no, there is no magical connection between you).

 

Just learn the lesson from this and don't send flowers to a girl who is not your girlfriend

[ratherbesailing]

Cobro -

 

What's done is done so don't worry or over analyze what she's thinking. She called and thanked you and said it isn't a problem so just take her at her word. If you normally talk every day, just wait and see if she calls tomorrow. If she does, just act like nothing happened and keep things slow for a while, get your cues from her. If she doesn't call by tomorrow night, I'd give her a call and just act normal, in the slow, I'm cool with the way things have been kind of way.

 

I'll bet she's sniffing those roses after work tonight.

[WildChild]

Stay away from her. She thinks you are desparate now (and no, there is no magical connection between you).

 

Just learn the lesson from this and don't send flowers to a girl who is not your girlfriend

 

Ow, that would hurt to read that. Not to mention that many gf/bf relationships begin because of romantic gestures during courtship

 

However, I think wait out this week before you jump to any conclusions. If you don't hear from her, then let her be.

[cobro]

Yeah that was kind of hard to read, but its cool I probably was being way too pushy. Just never met anyone quite like her. I seriously thought the flowers were a good idea, just to let her know where I stand. I guess it wasn't.

[cobro]

Cobro -

 

What's done is done so don't worry or over analyze what she's thinking. She called and thanked you and said it isn't a problem so just take her at her word. If you normally talk every day, just wait and see if she calls tomorrow. If she does, just act like nothing happened and keep things slow for a while, get your cues from her. If she doesn't call by tomorrow night, I'd give her a call and just act normal, in the slow, I'm cool with the way things have been kind of way.

 

I'll bet she's sniffing those roses after work tonight.

 

True, the only thing is that we are part of the same church group and will most likely both be there tomorrow. Should I go or not?

[LiquidCherry]

Stay away from her. She thinks you are desparate now (and no, there is no magical connection between you).

 

Just learn the lesson from this and don't send flowers to a girl who is not your girlfriend

 

Everyone is intitled to their own opinion and since I disagree with this, here's mine!

 

My very first date with my now boyfriend: We had plans just to hang out at his place, nothing much, but he casually asked me what was my favorite dish and when I came over a few days later he had made me a romantic dinner. I loved this and thought it was very sweet just like I think it would be sweet to get roses delivered.

 

After dating for several weeks I do not believe that most females would be put off by receiving flowers. A kind gesture of this sort doesn't appear desperate to me at all. If this relationship doesn't work out please don't let this keep you from being romantic in the future..

 

I think you're only mistake was in not realizing exactly how slow she wanted to take things and really you had no way of knowing until now. Wait a few days and see if she calls you. If she does not you might want to call her up, ask how she's been and tell her that you never meant to make her feel pressured in any way and from this point on you will let her lead, which ever direction that may be it.

[ratherbesailing]

By all means go, just don't act like you're nervous out about it. Just act friendly like everything is normal and let her make any body contact first. Don't ask about the flowers, if she wants to talk about it let her bring it up.

 

I don't think you are in as much trouble as you think. There is really nothing wrong with giving her flowers after three weeks. If she's freaked out it is something she needs to come to grips with. Just don't put any pressure on her. You said thanks for being in your life, not will you marry me. She'll come around when she realizes you are still the same guy she was holding hands with and that you aren't going to try and drag her off to elope.

[chai714]

Back off for now. Reapproach later but with less sense of urgency/effort.

 

Hanging out with a woman for 2 weeks with no physical contact besides a hug ought to tell you something: either that you need to bust a move or approach her in a different way.

[cobro]

Back off for now. Reapproach later but with less sense of urgency/effort.

 

Hanging out with a woman for 2 weeks with no physical contact besides a hug ought to tell you something: either that you need to bust a move or approach her in a different way.

 

Normally I would agree with you. But, she comes from a different culture and is very traditional, nor do I think she has dated much before. She's from a middle eastern country and has lived in the US a few years, but is new to my town.

 

I remember the first time I tried to put my arm around her, after 1 week, she wasn't comfortable with it. I don't think she would be down with me kissing her so soon since she is so conservative. With every other girl I've dated, I've made a move and much sooner, even sleeping with them within 2 days (yeah I know, not the best thing to do). With her, its different because of her culture, upbringing, and she's really shy. And like I said, I don't think she's ever been in a real "relationship". This whole experience has been different for me.

[RescueDiver]

I think a dozen roses was probably a little overkill. It depends on the woman though. I was recently dating a gal and on our 5th date I brought her a couple of pink roses in a small vase and she loved them. I later told her that I almost had to get a full dozen because the store I was at wasn't selling singles (but fortunately I found the little arrangement I got her). She told me that would've been fine too because she loves flowers. I should probably point out that there was no sixth date... a sixth and a seventh were planned but unforeseen events sorta mucked things up.

 

You might have spooked her and you'll just have to wait and see what happens. Go to church, do your best not to be upset or nervous about it. I know from experience that can be easier said than done. Try to go by what she's told you and not what you think she might be thinking. She said things were okay so just go with that. The other thing is, she may have indeed just been busy. Stuff like that happens and though it may just be a coincidence because of the discomfort you're feeling your mind is drawing a connection where there may not be one. Don't avoid her either, just pretend the flowers thing never happened and see how everything goes.

 

Oh, just read the part about her being from a different culture... yeah, that could really complicate things.

[Dating Coach]

Just learn the lesson from this and don't send flowers to a girl who is not your girlfriend

 

This is what I have always said.

 

Also, I have had girls say that they wanted to go slow but it was all BS when it came down to it, and I blew my chances because I didn't make a move. Why did she lie? Maybe that's what she actually believed but when it came down to it, not making a move didn't click with her, or maybe she was saying that because she didn't want to come accross as a " * * * *". Regardless, I made it a rule of mine to always at least attempt a kiss, even in a scenario such as yours. Since I decided this I have found out that far more often a girl still went for it and was down, and the times they weren't it by no means was a deal breaker and I still got follow up dates.

[WildChild]

All I can say is this, when I have told guys in the past that I want to take it slow it was not BS and in fact dumped guys that kept pushing and pushing for validation, taking things further, pushing too fast etc... So I have to disagree with Diggity. It is no different with a woman than a man when someome gets pushy to advance things faster and further than what the other person wants. Men dump women all of the time for being too fast and/or pushy

 

He will find out if the roses were too much if she doesn't call this week.

[cobro]

Well everyone, she called me last night after getting off work. We had friendly small talk for about 10 minutes, then I was like "Hey, about those flowers...I didn't mean to freak you out, I apologize if I did. I realize I may have been a bit pushy lately, please be honest and tell me if I am and I will stop." to which she responded that I have not been pushy and its ok, she is not freaked out anymore, its just never been done for her before and she didn't know how to react.

 

She said she realizes it was just a sweet gesture. I told her I was going to back off some and not call her all the time, give her some space. She didn't really respond to that and changed the subject right away (lol). We continued to the small talk for a few more minutes until she got home. She said she would see me at the meeting and I wished her a good night. So, it sounds to me like she might still be interested. But, I am going to do what I told her, back off some and just play it cool. I don't need to be scaring any girls off. Does this sound like a good plan?

[WildChild]

I am soo happy you did not give her the boot! Patience pays off

[ratherbesailing]

Cobro -

 

Good job. You are doing fine.

[Dating Coach]

All I can say is this, when I have told guys in the past that I want to take it slow it was not BS and in fact dumped guys that kept pushing and pushing for validation, taking things further, pushing too fast etc... So I have to disagree with Diggity. It is no different with a woman than a man when someome gets pushy to advance things faster and further than what the other person wants. Men dump women all of the time for being too fast and/or pushy

 

He will find out if the roses were too much if she doesn't call this week.

 

Who said anything about being pushy? I think you misread what I was saying.

[Dating Coach]

No, that is a huge "Not Interested". Here you two are, talking about how you like her, and instead of moving forward you totally backed out of it and gave her an easy way out. You basically rejected yourself before she had to, and thereforeeee all she had to do was change the subject and that's that.

[WildChild]

Who said anything about being pushy? I think you misread what I was saying.

 

Pushy is a general word for trying to advance further than what the other person is comfortable with. Based on your comment as follows: "Also, I have had girls say that they wanted to go slow but it was all BS when it came down to it, and I blew my chances because I didn't make a move. "

 

What would be your word of description then if you believe that it is BS when they want to take it slow and so had you ___________ further with the girl you wouldn't have blew your chances because you didn't make a move.

 

A)moved

B)Pushed

C)Tried

D)Not took them seriously and still tried

E)All of the Above

[Dating Coach]

Wildchild, there have been many times in the past with women where they talk about how they don't do kisses on first dates and such, and at the end of the first date, I move in for a kiss, and it was returned 9 out of 10 times, and sometimes it even led to more. If she stopped me then I stopped as well. It's that simple.

 

There also have been times before I learned any better when I have heard that same thing and tell myself, "Uh, okay well then she likes it slow so I won't make any moves on her until I know she is ready..." And guess what? Almost every time I did this, they ended up leaving because I never initiated. This one hottie from my past stayed the night with me TWO NIGHTS! and I didn't move beyond making out. After the second night, in the morning she told me to take her home and that was that. Looking back on it, knowing what I know now, she wanted more. Everything she was doing was telling me she wanted sex, but what held me back was that she told me she takes things slow.

 

I've found the only way to know is to take the initiative and find out. I've yet to meet a girl who was interested in me, and have them dump me because I tried to kiss them on the first date. I don't go beyond a single attempt, but that attempt is necessary IMO from my past experiences. Also I don't believe for a second that one attempt at a kiss is being "pushy".

[WildChild]

No trying for a kiss is not being pushy. However my original reaction to your post was because you think it's BS when women say they want to take it slow. It sounds as though you are different from the men I dumped when I wanted them to take it slow because they didn't seem to get it. If I kissed them then they expected sex and when I said no I'm not ready for that they kept pushing and trying to persuade, change my mind or just kept trying to make advances beyond kisses.

[Dating Coach]

If I kissed them then they expected sex and when I said no I'm not ready for that they kept pushing and trying to persuade, change my mind or just kept trying to make advances beyond kisses.

 

I definitely don't advocate that... those guys were losers.

[WildChild]

I definitely don't advocate that... those guys were losers.

 

I'm cracking up right now with all of this back and forth fine lines between black and white and we end up on the same page after all LOL