confused in my first issue with a woman

[uninhibited]

I should probably start with a little background. I am (what i believe to be) a painfully shy person. I often find that i need to psyche myself up before talking to someone and i always have a hard time dealing with the fact that i am being judged by people. I have struggled with this my whole life. I have never had a girlfriend but I have had certain selective instances in the past where i thought i was very close to developing something with a girl (sadly, they never worked out). I enjoy being by myself sometimes, but at the same time I struggle with loneliness and i constantly obsess over what other people think (or may be thinking) about me.

 

With that said, here is my situation. I graduated four months ago, and since then I have been interning at a company. About a month into the job, a girl came in as a full time employee. We are very different. She is outgoing, i am introverted. At the start we clung to each other as a matter of circumstance - we were both new employees getting our feet wet. She would invite me to go out with her and her friend on the weekends and I was happy to go because i don't get out much and i am otherwise alone in a city far from home. I felt guilty that she would always go to such trouble to find fun stuff to do and I would just tag along with her invitations. I tend not to go to the lengths she does to plan a get-together, but there again, our differences shine through. Seeing her nearly everyday in work coupled with our time spent together on some weekends, our friendship developed. Eventually i learned from her co-worker that she was interested in me as more than a friend. I found myself flattered by this, but at the same time I was frustrated because I didn't feel the same way about her. Mind you, I am a very lonely person and I really want to find someone special. I tried and i wanted to feel something for her but I just can't. As a result, I was unsure of how to proceed. I chose to simply not acknowledge the fact that she had feelings for me because I didn't want to hurt her. It seemed like the most logical thing to do because she keeps her feelings fairly low-key herself (remember, her co-worker informed me of her interest in me). So i went forward and just made on that our friendship never experienced this little "bump". She appeared to do the same thing, aside from hints that she gave me from time to time in her AIM profile that reflect what i figure to be her true feelings. One of these hints was a list that described all the attributes of her "perfect man". I met all the criteria except one - I don't salsa dance. A few weeks later she arranged for me, her, and her friend to get a free salsa dance lesson. She also kept asking if i would be going to the company christmas party. I started piecing together what seemed to be a passive attempt of her to morph me into the person that she wanted to date - and I started getting irritated. I simply wasn't interested in dance lessons. Refusing to do this with her was the first time I had refused any invitation, and she got irritated with me. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and her coaxing wouldn't let up. Thinking back now, I want to kick myself for letting her make me feel guilty about this. Aside from the fact that I really had no interest in learning to salsa dance, I did this as a refusal to continue taking part in this immature game. For one, I got tired of her passive behavior and hinting, and I also don't appreciate the fact that she doesn't respect my personal decisions. I refused the invitations she has given me to go out for the past few weeks because (for her sake) i don't want to risk leading her on any longer. On one hand I feel that I am being insensitive by acting like this but on the other hand I have her best interests in mind. I couldn't lead her on and make her think that I felt something for her. I acted completely indifferent about her feelings at the onset and she still tried to push it on me. In all honesty I am not trying to punish her but one of us needed to stop this game and it became evident that it wasn't going to be her. She had asked if i am avoiding her but i typically give an excuse like blaming my laziness on the cold weather (which isn't a complete lie -- the cold weather really does make me want to stay indoors). I tell her its nothing personal, and it really isn't. Our friendship has taken a definite downturn, and as far as i'm concerned it's all because the friendship was trying to develop into something more. I know that because I have somewhat isolated myself from her it has made a definite change in her attitude toward me. This saddens me because it has resulted in a loss of our once beautiful friendship. I feel that she is being immature by not being straightforward with me about the way she feels. I am just confused about whether or not I am handling this the right way. After this week, I will be leaving the area and I am not sure if we will stay in contact or not. She doesn't seem to have the courage to address the issue, so does that mean that the future of our friendship rests in my hands? We plan to go out once more before I leave. Should I say something or just leave the ball in her court?

 

I have never been involved in a committed relationship before, but I am aware that what is happening here is quite immature. This is the primary reason that I decided to keep her at arm's length. I don't want to enter into a relationship where I can't speak to the other person about my true feelings. That's the way my relationship is with my family and it is NOT the way I want to live my life. It is just ironic that I say this in spite of the way i've handled this situation. Unfortunately, i couldn't come to any better solution given the fact that I don't share her interest in me. It makes me sad that I am 22 and she is 24 and this is the extent of our circumstances. Do we need to take a step back and spend a little time growing up first?

[registered]

Our friendship has taken a definite downturn, and as far as i'm concerned it's all because the friendship was trying to develop into something more.

Hhmmm, the problem was that nothing was done to stop that development I would say.

 

I feel that she is being immature by not being straightforward with me about the way she feels.

Probably, yeah.

But you could have been more direct in saying "We're just friends, let's leave it at that and enjoy this beautiful thing".

 

She doesn't seem to have the courage to address the issue, so does that mean that the future of our friendship rests in my hands?

You should take it into your hands if you want anything done about it. As far as she is concerned she wants to be more than friends - only you can tell take control and limit it to friendship...otherwise it will most likely end as nothing at all.

 

We plan to go out once more before I leave. Should I say something or just leave the ball in her court?

If that question applies to going out once more then I say yes leave it in her court. The last thing this needs is her to believe that you want to go out with her like that, in my opinion. She can't seem to take no for an answer

 

Take care.

[annie24]

It's hard to "turn someone down" when they haven't flat out made a move on you (asking you out or so). A lot of the moves she made were on the pretense of friendship.

 

How about telling her the truth. Something like, "I hope I have the situation clear - I have gotten the impression that you're romantically interested in me. If I don't have this right, I'm sorry. I think you're a great girl, you're fun and outgoing. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. You have a lot going for you, but you're just not my type. I do enjoy our friendship, and I would like to continue being just friends. I value our friendship, and I hope you understand."

 

I think just being honest and direct is good. A male friend did this once with me. At the time, I was upset that he was rejecting my advances, but then later, I really respected him for being up front with me. He told me "I wasn't his type." We are still friends to this day.

 

good luck

[PocoDiablo]

Okay, right off the bat I think you're reading her wrong. Based on what you have told me, I think it is entirely possible she was trying to help YOU come out of your shell, grow up, and be more experienced with things. I don't think she had any feelings for you.

 

As a result, I think you kicked a good friend for no reason. Oops.

 

Eventually i learned from her co-worker that she was interested in me as more than a friend.

Never trust the match-makers of the world. They are almost always wrong or have ulterior motives. Nonetheless, this is a mistake you made in not evaluating her actions yourself and blindly trusting a third party. This is a big mistake in my opinion.

 

I chose to simply not acknowledge the fact that she had feelings for me because I didn't want to hurt her.

Very polite, I think that was a good move.

 

aside from hints

Such as inviting you to her house alone, touching your legs or face, coming to your house, spending all her free time with you?

 

A few weeks later she arranged for me, her, and her friend to get a free salsa dance lesson.

So she does not want to be alone with you? Nothing going on here, you WERE just a friend.

 

She also kept asking if i would be going to the company christmas party.

Trying to get you out of your house, very sweet and thoughtful.

 

I started piecing together what seemed to be a passive attempt of her to morph me into the person that she wanted to date

I think your dectective skills need some more fine-tuning.

 

I simply wasn't interested in dance lessons. Refusing to do this with her was the first time I had refused any invitation,

Ah, you are a real man. I am VERY impressed. This is so refreshing to see a man who will stand up for himself. Don't you EVER forget this! This is so crucial in being an adult, being a man. I salute you - seriously.

 

and she got irritated with me. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and her coaxing wouldn't let up.

Ah, she was testing you. You should have, of course, told her something like "While I appreciate the effort, I simply am not going and you can stop asking. I will not change my mind, and it is disrespectful of you to try and pressure me. I am not a baby."

 

For one, I got tired of her passive behavior and hinting, and I also don't appreciate the fact that she doesn't respect my personal decisions.

Hey everyone, please take note - THIS GUY HAS STANDARDS and sticks to them! Man, YOU should be giving out the advice, not me. Seriously, this is something so many guys lack! They'll do anything for a girl with no regard for themselves. You're a lot smarter than you apparently give yourself credit for!

 

She had asked if i am avoiding her but i typically give an excuse like blaming my laziness on the cold weather (which isn't a complete lie -- the cold weather really does make me want to stay indoors).

Another thing I point out to people all the time - if someone wants to be with you, they won't make excuses. Excuses are a polite way of saying "I am not interested, leave me alone." Again, you are polite and I agree with this.

 

Our friendship has taken a definite downturn, and as far as i'm concerned it's all because the friendship was trying to develop into something more.

I think she was trying to be mothering to you, personally, but in another way that was smothering. I think it was insulting, quite frankly, that she did that. You could have been good friends. I think she overstepped her boundries.

 

I am just confused about whether or not I am handling this the right way.

So are you going to help give advice on the site? You should. You've got all the right methods. lol, yeah, you did this the right way!

 

After this week, I will be leaving the area and I am not sure if we will stay in contact or not.

Don't bother unless you want another mother.

 

We plan to go out once more before I leave. Should I say something or just leave the ball in her court?

Meh, just have a good time. Be the better person.

 

It makes me sad that I am 22 and she is 24 and this is the extent of our circumstances.

Well, that explains a lot. She really probably WAS mothering you. Next time, date younger, not older, especially since you're inexperienced.

 

Good luck, I don't think you'll need it though. I am surprised you are single, quite frankly!

[uninhibited]

Originally Posted by PocoDiablo

Never trust the match-makers of the world. They are almost always wrong or have ulterior motives. Nonetheless, this is a mistake you made in not evaluating her actions yourself and blindly trusting a third party. This is a big mistake in my opinion.

Thank you so much for the replies, especially PocoDiablo (for your thorough analysis of my situation). The comment that I may be reading her wrong, that she may not even be interested, never occurred to me and you might be right. The co-worker who told me this was her manager, not her close friend. I agree with annie, that it is best in the long run to be honest. If honesty was never accompanied with guilt and other negative side effects I think I would always try to fall back on it. However, unless the topic presents itself, I don't plan on ruining our last get-together with an awkward discussion of what very well may be just my assumptions. I am just going to try and have a good time with her.

[Dating Coach]

uninhibited,

 

I just wanted to add one thing. I don't actually believe for a second that you could just easily accept this and change your ways but I am going to tell you anyway in hopes that you will at least give it some thought.

 

You absolutely CANNOT control what other people think about you. You can't. You seem very worried about what others are thinking about and how they perceive you but they are going to have their opinions no matter what you do, so to continue to punish yourself or limit yourself because of something that you cannot control is only going to hurt you as a person and in life.

 

I find that people who get all worked up or are obsessed with things beyond their control end up living half the life they could. This is a self defeating attitude and I hope you start taking baby steps to get over this. People will think what they want to think and it's not your job to worry about it. Do what you want to do and try to discard this self defeating train of thought.

[uninhibited]

Thank you for that advice diggitydogg, and to your surprise I am more than happy to accept the truth in what you said and change my ways. Unfortunately it's easier said than done and my fear of others' judgements aren't just something that I can turn off with a switch. I think about the relationships I have and those I wish I could have when i am in the shower, when I am at work, when I eat dinner, when i exercise, and worst of all when I am trying to fall asleep (obsessive thinking is not a sedative by any stretch of the imagination). It is one of many problems that I feel I have and one that I know would benefit me to get over.

[Dating Coach]

Unfortunately it's easier said than done and my fear of others' judgements aren't just something that I can turn off with a switch..

 

Yeah, that's what I meant. It will take some work and even therapy could help if you tried it, but the first step is accepting it as truth.

[PocoDiablo]

I think about the relationships I have and those I wish I could have when i am in the shower, when I am at work, when I eat dinner, when i exercise, and worst of all when I am trying to fall asleep (obsessive thinking is not a sedative by any stretch of the imagination). It is one of many problems that I feel I have and one that I know would benefit me to get over.

In my opinion, this is your body's way of telling you that you need to work on yourself. Nothing personal, but I think you have very child-like social and dating skills. This is nothing to be ashamed of, I think that about 90% of the guys out there are the same! This is something our fathers never knew about or never taught us. As a result, we are on our own to learn. I know my social skills sucked until I was in my early 30's, and I meet people who are in their 50's that are the same as you.

 

This is all about learning.

 

So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go buy some books on dating, flirting, picking up women, etc? I recommend it highly. Yes, do get the books on picking up chicks because they will teach you about yourself even if you don't use the advice.

 

You can only be well educated if you know as much information as possible.

[uninhibited]

What would you say is the best way to remedy this problem? I feel like i just need practice. I could sit around and read all day. I could also just go out and start meeting people. Lol what did people do before there were advice columns and books and dating forums?

[Dating Coach]

what did people do before there were advice columns and books and dating forums?

 

Trial and error.