I think I need a major eye opener.

[Kimmikazi]

I guess this would be jealousy...or possibly...insecurites-although I won't let myself accept that maybe I have this problem.

 

I've never been cheated on...never even had a guy that's gone out with friends barely...so I have no idea why I have this feeling of no trust? I think maybe it's because in EVERY relationship..I have done the -wrong doings-.... In my head...I have this thought that...someone is bound to hurt someone, so I should be the one to do it, before it happeneds to me, and so far, I've succeeded!

 

Ok..My first long-term relationship...I was so controlling...I mean, sickly controlling..which I think made HIM controlling. I mean, he had no friends whatsoever. Not one..We were eachothers first loves and I guess I just didn't want him near anyone else. He actually listened too. I had my group of friends and never lost them..and never would-yet, I failed to think that maybe it would be good for him to talk to others. He was a great looking guy, and a very good person...but the thought of him knowing anyone else...did something crazy to me inside...I mean, even guys...nothing...his cousins..nothing. He had a rough childhood and I was his "savior" in his mind, and I knew this..and I think I took it for granted and such...This went on for 3 years..until finally he had enough...( i did cheat on him once which he 'suspected' but I never really got to admitting...)

 

The breakup was hard, and I thought I'd never move on because of my mentality..but then over time, I realized I had to grow up and accept the fact that it's not healthy at all.

 

A year later, I met an amazing guy. He was everything and more...he was so smart, independent, and ready for a relationship. So, in my head, I figured "hey, it's close enough..he knows what he wants, so thereforeeee he won't be out much." ...actually I was kind of right...he spent so much time with me, and I loved it. I still did my thing and he semi did his...but I messed it up...which was by me seeing another guy...just like a 'date' and he saw text msgs from this guy that I had been seeing before him..which weren't all too great for a boyfriend to see..and he was gone..

 

Once again...I had that feeling that I won't find another guy like that...that would invest so much time on me etc...but of course, there's more in the sea..

 

Another year later..dated another guy for about 7 months...after 2months..I began my controlling...Him talking to his best friends tore me up inside...I didn't show it, but it drove me NUTS. I mean...it drove me CRAZY. After 2 months..he didn't go out with his friends even ONCE til the day he left me and moved away to Arizona...which wasn't because of my ways, but mainly because all we did was fight. nonstop fighting...I would never let his past go, and never stopped accusing him of NOTHING at all.

 

Okay, so now I'm dating this guy Junior...this guy is AMAZING. I mean, I trust him so much. If he's not working, he's with me. He has a roommate, that's been his friend since they were little...and he has a lot of friends...I've been friends with the group for about 3 years now. Before me, his life was partying, living up his 20's, and all that goes along with that...and now, he's really ready to have a relationship and commit..etc. Now, he works crazy hours...20 hour days sometimes. So thereforeeee, I'm able to do my thing ALL THE TIME..and on his time off, we spend it together. He loves it, and of course I do too.

 

Now, our first couple weeks of being -serious-, I was at a club, and it got to the point where my friends had him come there because I was WAY too drunk and so were they, so as soon as he got off work, he came there to help us out...in the middle of him helping me to the car, and holding my hair while I spilled out the night..I showed him my phone...with a picture of me kissing another guy that night. His heart was crushed..and eventually he gave me the 2nd chance...

 

He trusts me now pretty much, and I still go out with my friends etc...Now, we've been in this sort of "break" thing for the past week and tomorrow we're going to go for lunch and I know we'll be back together, he does too...He's out with his friends at a bar right now, and it's driving me NUTS. In all the time we've been dating, he's never done this and he just text me saying "as much as I wish I was with you right now, I think I really need this..." and I just said "I know you do, I agree 100%)...

 

Now, I know he needs it, and everyone needs that space...but what I feel inside is NOT normal.. I see my friends and their boyfriends, and they always do their own thing like it's nothing at all...which is the way it should be. Trust is everything in a relationship, and I KNOW that.

 

I can't seem to get myself to accept it...If I go for someone that's dependant and willing to give up his life for me..it's not a good position, and in all reality, I KNOW I DONT WANT THAT. I know some girls have trust issues with men because of past issues in relationships, but I can't say I have...I've actually had all 4 relationships with men that are ready for a relationship, that know what they want, and sometimes just want to hang out with the guys. That's what makes me wonder SO much...I mean, most girls wouldn't like it to be girls, but I have an issue with even the guys hanging out...I can't even think about them talking to girls...I'll drive myself insane. ](*,)

 

Can someone PLEASE help me figure myself out ;( I am secure with myself from what I know...I'm a nice, friendly, smart, pretty girl with a lot of great friends...I'm independent as well...just I have this problem where I can't seem to control it. I've been dealing with this feeling for about 6 years now, and it's just now that I'm thinking there really is a problem. How can I get myself to see that men need their men time, just as I need my girls time? Could it be that the 'guilty accuses'? I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend again. NEVER. I love him to death...he means so much to me it's crazy...So, since I don't have the mentality of ever hurting him, why do I still have this "jealousy"??

 

He has NO IDEA that I have this in me....to him, he thinks I'm so cool about it, that I want him to be with his friends, and that I'm just so cool about everything, but that's the vibe I give him, cause I don't want to lose him over this thing I have always had in me. He knows about how I was with my 1st ex, and I think it scared the h*LL out of him, but I told him I've matured and realized it's not the way for a relationship to be...which in all reality, I still think I should have it that way...as if I'm brainwashed from an early on

 

Any advice, thanks so much guys!

[registered]

Could it be that the 'guilty accuses'?

Yes I think so.

But that is your past - it does not count for anything now.

 

This guy has given you a second chance - must be a nice guy who likes you a lot.

Be secure in this.

He obviously values your relationship and wants to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

I have said this before on here, the bad aspects of the past are not good for anything other than learning from.

Learn from your mistakes.

Make sure you do everything you can to make the most of this guy who obviously likes you a lot.

If you can be confident in the fact that you will be loyal to this man then I think this will help to fix your insecurity.

 

His time alone or with mates is good for him. WIthout it he won't be happy - use this as a motivation to accept the fact that he is going to have to have some time to do his own thing.

 

I think it could be helpful to talk about this with your guy... be honest. If you tell him that you are insecure about it and that you regret your actions and don't want this to make you feel jealous then he will be understanding.

If he knows about your first boyfriend than this would show him that you are trying hard to make this relationship work out.

I am sure that he will be supportive of you.

The one thing you don't want to do if you tell him is use this to your advantage...like not asking him to go out less to make you feel better...you don't want to do this.

Tell him you do have insecurities but you want him to go out alone (force him if he resists, which he shouldn't...) - this is the only way to overcome them.

 

You've got a good guy here. It is going to take some work to keep the relationship happy. You will need to overcome this if you want to have a good relationship. You just need to let him do his own thing and value the time you have as a couple.

It is a hard thing to do , but I think it is the best way.

 

The only way to overcome this is to make yourself vulnerable and realise that you can cope.

Don't expect to overcome it overnight but you will overcome it. It will be a series of steps, with each one making it easier and easier.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my take on it:

 

You are testing your boyfriends. Ever boyfriend you have been with has lacked self-respect, so when you cheat on them - or push things too far - and they let you, you lose respect for them as well. And things come tumbling down.

 

What you are doing is normal in my opinion. You are testing the boundries of your relationship in search of a real man. A real man, with self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect would never allow you to act this way - and that is what you are so desperately seeking. You essentially need a father figure in your life who will not only lay down the standards he has for you, but also will not tolerate your testing and mis-behavior.

 

Unfortunately, finding a man like that is very hard to do. Most guys will just kiss up to you and forgive you. But that will not work for you, because you realize it means they are like children saying "Ok mom, whatever you want, I still love you" because it's desperate Desperate boys are "ugly" because they have no self.

 

So, in my opinion, you have tested all of your boyfriends so far and they have all failed. Their loss.

 

If you did that to me, or any of the guys I give advice to on my site, they would have dumped you. Plain and simple.

 

The most important traits for a woman to have, and to be a real woman, are Integrity, honesty, loyalty, trust, giving, and flexibility. Can you think of which one you are not following? Yeah, loyalty. While you can test men, when you go and kiss another man you essentially shot yourself right in the foot. This is like a house of cards - once you take one card out, the whole thing comes crashing down. So you have torn down your current relationship because you took it one step too far.

 

Next time, when you test your man, don't also throw yourself in the gutter doing it. This is not hard, you seem to only have one minor flaw - going too far - so just think about how to reel in your actions and have a little more self-control.

 

I think all women test all men all the time. It's a normal part of being sure he's still a man.

[Relationship Coach]

Kimmi,

First, I'm glad to see that you have grown out of your "I'll cheat before they do" stage. Very unhealthy for all. You were basically sabotaging your past relationships so you would be the cause of it's downfall or able to say to yourself, I already cheated so if he or when he does it wont hurt as bad. Essentially you were a fatalist. Your trust issues were not with your boyfriend but with yourself. You felt if you could cheat so could they. Everyone however does not hold the same standards as you, remember your infidelity was premeditated as a layer of security in it's own twisted way.

 

It's like getting a job at a store knowing you will eventually be fired for one thing or another, so you steal something from the store justifiable in your own mind as retribution for what hasn't happened yet and may not happen at all but just in case!!!! Sound about right?

 

Your guilt has gotten the better of you now and your confessions and remorse for kissing the guy is a cry out for help. You have found someone you really deep down don't want to lose, you have tested this relationship and been given a second chance. Don't see him as weak for staying with you, see him as strong and committed. This little break is more for you to realize what you could have lost. Fly straight and be honest and true to yourself and him. Best Wishes.